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Original poster

Am I abandoning my children by going away?

577 replies

TravelBugMum · 28/10/2023 12:40

Hi. I have just resigned from my job of 20 years and finally have an opportunity to fulfil my desire to travel.
My children are both now settled in secondary school, years 7 & 8, ages 11 and 13.
I want to travel by myself for 2 months (9 weeks) as you can't take this amount of time off while you are working.
My husband of 14 years will be at home with the kids. But he is not happy & says I will be "psychologically damaging them for the rest of their lives if I go away for 9 weeks and abandoning them" . He is just about OK with 4 weeks away, but I don't feel this is long enough for Australia and New Zealand ( which he has no desire to visit.). We are working on a compromise...
What is the risk of me hurting my children by doing this?
i have talked to them both to explain why i want to go, but understand it is difficult for them to be honest with me. They dont want to upset me by telling me not to go.
Has any other mum done this?
Am I being " selfish and not a good mum" by wanting to go?
How can I reduce the risk of my children feeling abandoned ?
Please help.

OP posts:
Devilsmommy · 28/10/2023 12:51

I think 9 weeks is too much. Maybe 4 weeks is a better compromise

Comedycook · 28/10/2023 12:51

Actually is this a reverse? Is it your husband who actually wants to bugger off for two months?

WandaWonder · 28/10/2023 12:51

MamaGhina · 28/10/2023 12:44

psychologically damaging them for the rest of their lives if I go away for 9 weeks and abandoning them huge overreaction, he just doesn’t want to be left to do the parenting alone for 9 weeks.

I wouldn't want to be doing parenting alone for 9 weeks nor would my husband, and no anyone saying 'well single parents do it' it is not the same thing

mycatsanutter · 28/10/2023 12:51

Too long while the kids are that age , they will probably miss you and be upset

AgnesX · 28/10/2023 12:51

Ask your children how they feel.

Aria20 · 28/10/2023 12:51

Sorry but I could never go away and leave my children for that length of time unless I absolutely had to for a medical reason or something. Obviously going away for work is different but you are choosing to go to the other side of the world so yes I think it's selfish to effectively "check out" of family life for 9 weeks! As a parent I don't think you can just opt out of parenting and do what you want for that length of time.

Can't you all go for 2/3 weeks over Easter or 2 months in the summer? Or just wait until your children are adults and then you can go and do what you want as you won't have that responsibility?

Longma · 28/10/2023 12:52

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines. at the request of it's author.

TheShellBeach · 28/10/2023 12:52

Working away is not the same thing at all. I'm surprised anyone is saying this as a comparison.

Happygerbil · 28/10/2023 12:52

But working away is different. They are providing an income.

Go for 4 weeks and do the 2 month trip in 6 years when you're youngest is at uni

MigGirl · 28/10/2023 12:52

I think my DH wouldn't cope for 9 weeks with the kids and mine are 12&16.

I get you want to travel and now seems like a good time but you do have to consider everyone else, not just your kids but husband to. I would compromise on the length of travel.

I don't think you would damage them but they may feel slightly rejected. 9 weeks is still a long time for an 11 year old, 6 weeks school holidays feel really long at that age.

Mumaway · 28/10/2023 12:53

The way you have written your question makes me think it is you that believes you are abandoning and damaging your children. If you feel like that, it is going to affect your travels. If you are comfortable and it's genuinely your partner that has expressed those feelings, then you need to consider if you respect that opinion or if he's right to be concerned (even if his concerns are just about the hard job of solo parenting)
Is there any compromise where you all go away for 2 or 3 weeks and you stay on afterwards for a while??

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 28/10/2023 12:54

Are you having some sort of crisis? You seemed to have jacked your job in of 20 years and now want to go travelling? Are you ok? You don’t seem to be thinking straight.

sunshineandshowers40 · 28/10/2023 12:54

I wouldn't do this and would be unhappy if DH wanted to do this but if you are going to do it your DCs are probably at a good age. When would you be going?

PrimalOwl10 · 28/10/2023 12:55

So selfish who's funding this holiday? Your dh left alone to financially to support your dh whilst you go on a holiday for 9 weeks is a pisstake, it's not remotely comparable to working away and gaining an income for the benefit of the family

BoothsChristmasBook · 28/10/2023 12:57

Your youngest has done half a term at high school. Hardly "settled". When are you planning to go?

Your husband knows your kids and for pps saying, well my dad worked away. Yes, because he had to work. The psychological aspect is in having to leave vs wanting to leave.

If my husband decided he was fucking off for 9 weeks on a jolly after I'd expressed concerns that the children wouldn't cope well then I'm not sure I'd be able to look at him the same when he got back.

Whitewolf2 · 28/10/2023 12:58

I’d be so annoyed if my husband wanted to spend all this money and time away that I wasn’t included in, let alone the kids!

midnightblue12 · 28/10/2023 12:58

I think of my mum went travelling for 9 weeks at that age I would be very hurt and upset and anxious.
I wouldn't ever do it to my children.

Squirrelsbite · 28/10/2023 12:58

Put the boot on the other foot
How would you feel if it was your H who chucked his job just to piss off to Australia etc for 9 weeks ?

DisforDarkChocolate · 28/10/2023 12:59

Children who have parents who work away still grow into secure adults. One 9 week absence with contact via email, zoom etc is not going to harm anyone. I think your husband just doesn't fancy the extra work for 9 weeks.

Bendysnap · 28/10/2023 13:00

9 weeks is an extremely long time to leave your family for solo leisure reasons.

I had to leave my dc and dh for 3 weeks to attend to a dying family member abroad and it was massively disruptive and unsettling. 9 weeks - for travel - is unimaginable.

take a month now and then plan a longer trip in 6 years. Or spend 6 weeks travelling with your dc next summer holidays.

Speaking as a kiwi, you could get a good look in Nz over three weeks over Christmas.

Popetthetreehugger · 28/10/2023 13:00

For gods sake , go ! This is a chance that won’t come again , your DH is a wet lettuce . Your children will survive. Build a strong relationship with their dad. You will never go later as he isn’t up for it , so didn’t see point . If you were going for work , family would suck it up . You have earned a few weeks of putting your self first .

PeskyPotato · 28/10/2023 13:00

I've just got back from 6 day trip without my husband and kids, and the guilt was unreal!! I think going for 9 weeks is completely unreasonable and selfish and can't believe you could do it guilt free.

raindropbox · 28/10/2023 13:01

Very weird.
We live in this culture of you "can have it all babes" but you can't. You chose to be a parent which inevitably means your life isn't going to be fancy free until they've grown.
Personally I didn't have kids because I never felt the drive but also because I didn't want to give up certain freedoms. I think you have a real responsibility when you're a parent and actually your preferences do come second.
Apologies for the analogy but...I'd love to live in a city centre flat but am condemned to a ground floor place with a garden because of my cat! I guess some people would say "oh come on, it's your life, your Cat will adjust....".
But I just don't see it that way.

Nanny0gg · 28/10/2023 13:02

MrsJellybee · 28/10/2023 12:47

Not at 11 and 13.

Possibly 16 and 18.

After exams

Cadenza12 · 28/10/2023 13:02

Your husband is not supportive of the idea so it could potentially be damaging. To be honest, the greatest harm could be to your relationship which could have a lasting impact on the family.