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Original poster

Am I abandoning my children by going away?

577 replies

TravelBugMum · 28/10/2023 12:40

Hi. I have just resigned from my job of 20 years and finally have an opportunity to fulfil my desire to travel.
My children are both now settled in secondary school, years 7 & 8, ages 11 and 13.
I want to travel by myself for 2 months (9 weeks) as you can't take this amount of time off while you are working.
My husband of 14 years will be at home with the kids. But he is not happy & says I will be "psychologically damaging them for the rest of their lives if I go away for 9 weeks and abandoning them" . He is just about OK with 4 weeks away, but I don't feel this is long enough for Australia and New Zealand ( which he has no desire to visit.). We are working on a compromise...
What is the risk of me hurting my children by doing this?
i have talked to them both to explain why i want to go, but understand it is difficult for them to be honest with me. They dont want to upset me by telling me not to go.
Has any other mum done this?
Am I being " selfish and not a good mum" by wanting to go?
How can I reduce the risk of my children feeling abandoned ?
Please help.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 28/10/2023 13:02

A few qns.

Are you looking at travelling to places where you'd be contactable? So can phone home good night every other night or so, or being off the beaten track and not reachable for a week at a time?

How does the current parenting load currently fall? Can one parent actually meet all the reqs or are there times you're both actively parenting but apart (so ones at Domino Lessons whilst the other does the Chess Club Cheerleaders run?). What will the kids need to not do because you're not there?

Are they currently coming home to an empty house and will this increase?

Why did you resign and what are the financial implications?

Given you've resigned and not been made redundant what's the financial implications on your household budget?

How much of family money or personal money do you think this will cost and what are the implications of this?

MrsSkylerWhite · 28/10/2023 13:02

Popetthetreehugger · Today 13:00

For gods sake , go ! This is a chance that won’t come again , your DH is a wet lettuce . Your children will survive. Build a strong relationship with their dad. You will never go later as he isn’t up for it , so didn’t see point . If you were going for work , family would suck it up . You have earned a few weeks of putting your self first”

So you’d be telling OP that she was a wet lettuce if her husband wanted to do the same and she was unhappy about it? Honestly?
Supremely selfish thing for anyone to do with kids of those ages.

MariaVT65 · 28/10/2023 13:02

Not something I would even consider at all tbh.

My dad used to work abroad for his business was away 2 weeks at a time max and we really missed him.

As others have said, I would be furious if my DH wanted to do this. You have responsibilities at home. 11 and 13 is still young.

Hbh17 · 28/10/2023 13:02

Not selfish at all, and everyone will be fine. Think of the stories you will be able to tell them. And you are modelling independent travel and a spirit if adventure - they are wonderful gifts to give your children.

Malarandras · 28/10/2023 13:03

I’m desperate to travel and do all sorts of things so I understand the sentiment. But I choose to have children, they didn’t ask to be born. So I would never countenance leaving them to travel for that amount of time. I will travel with them when they are older, I am really looking forward to that actually. But to leave behind when they are so young I do think that is selfish. And I think the comparisons to military parents are disingenuous, it is not the same thing.

shivermetimbers77 · 28/10/2023 13:04

No I wouldn’t do this at that age. Whether it is psychologically damaging depends on the relationship and how secure your children feel. My dad worked away for long periods when I was that age and although I did accept it it definitely introduced an element of distance into our relationship and had an impact on my subsequent relationships with men. But I always pretty sensitive anyway.. Any reason you can’t wait until they have gone to uni? Or all go together in the summer? Or do a few long weekends away in your own in Europe to scratch the itch?

Nanny0gg · 28/10/2023 13:04

How about the cost? All that money on one member of the family?

MrsSkylerWhite · 28/10/2023 13:04

Hbh17 · Today 13:02
**
Not selfish at all, and everyone will be fine. Think of the stories you will be able to tell them. And you are modelling independent travel and a spirit if adventure - they are wonderful gifts to give your children”

No. Taking them with you would be wonderful.

gamerchick · 28/10/2023 13:04

It doesn't matter what we think OP. It's what your kids and husband thinks. Is your marriage strong enough to survive it if he's not happy?

Nanny0gg · 28/10/2023 13:05

Hbh17 · 28/10/2023 13:02

Not selfish at all, and everyone will be fine. Think of the stories you will be able to tell them. And you are modelling independent travel and a spirit if adventure - they are wonderful gifts to give your children.

I'm not sure they'll be that bothered about the 'stories'

WeighDownOnMe · 28/10/2023 13:05

Hbh17 · 28/10/2023 13:02

Not selfish at all, and everyone will be fine. Think of the stories you will be able to tell them. And you are modelling independent travel and a spirit if adventure - they are wonderful gifts to give your children.

Yeah what a gift - kids, look at all the photographs of amazing things I did without you.

Awesome.

Original poster
TravelBugMum · 28/10/2023 13:05

Thanks to everyone. Yes too selfish. I will think again when the children are older.

OP posts:
saraclara · 28/10/2023 13:05

I waited until my kids were older (post- A level but at home), and had three separate 3-4 week trips on my own. If I'm honest, it turned out that one of them hated me going because she was anxious about me (I backpacked and it was in the days when constant connectivity wasn't aavailable, certainly in the places I traveled to). But I didn't know how she felt at the time.

Greenyinabottle · 28/10/2023 13:06

Comedycook · 28/10/2023 12:51

Actually is this a reverse? Is it your husband who actually wants to bugger off for two months?

Was thinking the same thing

OneCup · 28/10/2023 13:06

My mother used to leave for 3 months stint due to work and I wasn't left scarred. I was well looked after by my dad and grandmother and understood why my mother had to go and I knew she would come back.
I think going away on holiday is a bit different though. Perhaps I would have been more affected had it been the case.
Why not take your kids with you over the summer holidays?

BoothsChristmasBook · 28/10/2023 13:07

"Not selfish at all, and everyone will be fine."

In what way is it not selfish? Her husband certainly thinks it is. The husband who might just decide that he doesn't feel the same after she ignored his concerns and fucked off anyway. Everyone will be fine will they after the inevitable divorce? Ok.

No fucking way would my husband be coming back home. Might as well keep travelling the outback tbh

penpep · 28/10/2023 13:07

What!! Selfish. Plan a family vacation like a normal mom would.

crumblingschools · 28/10/2023 13:08

Wouldn’t your DC want to come with you? Can’t imagine going off for a nine week jolly by myself and wouldn’t be impressed if DH suggested he wanted to do that

All2Well · 28/10/2023 13:08

You've got 7 years until the youngest is an adult and the rest of your life to travel.

Why opt out of parenting now?

Notamum12345577 · 28/10/2023 13:08

TravelBugMum · 28/10/2023 12:40

Hi. I have just resigned from my job of 20 years and finally have an opportunity to fulfil my desire to travel.
My children are both now settled in secondary school, years 7 & 8, ages 11 and 13.
I want to travel by myself for 2 months (9 weeks) as you can't take this amount of time off while you are working.
My husband of 14 years will be at home with the kids. But he is not happy & says I will be "psychologically damaging them for the rest of their lives if I go away for 9 weeks and abandoning them" . He is just about OK with 4 weeks away, but I don't feel this is long enough for Australia and New Zealand ( which he has no desire to visit.). We are working on a compromise...
What is the risk of me hurting my children by doing this?
i have talked to them both to explain why i want to go, but understand it is difficult for them to be honest with me. They dont want to upset me by telling me not to go.
Has any other mum done this?
Am I being " selfish and not a good mum" by wanting to go?
How can I reduce the risk of my children feeling abandoned ?
Please help.

I would guess your children would miss you a lot, but they would survive! But it’s a bit unfair to leave your family for 9 weeks, how would you like it if your husband did it (unless he was in the army or something where he has to!)?

1stworldissues · 28/10/2023 13:08

Maybe compromise?

4 weeks to do aus and nz? Then at another time go somewhere else

I guess my question would be why you don't want to travel with you kids?

Youcancallmeirrelevant · 28/10/2023 13:11

Why can't OP be a little bit selfish? Genuine question. Just because you become a parent doesn't mean you stop being you. Plenty of parents (dads) work away lots throughout the year.

OP, i don't see an issue. As long as kids will be well cared for, its so much easier to keep in touch with messaging and viedo calls. Anf easier for you to go away for a slightly longer period than dipping in and out

Notamum12345577 · 28/10/2023 13:11

Hbh17 · 28/10/2023 13:02

Not selfish at all, and everyone will be fine. Think of the stories you will be able to tell them. And you are modelling independent travel and a spirit if adventure - they are wonderful gifts to give your children.

Have you got kids and a husband/partner? Would you say not selfish at all if he wanted to go off for 9 weeks?

Echobelly · 28/10/2023 13:12

Maybe ask the kids.

Personally all the people saying this is selfish and terrible are being overly harsh. It certainly wouldn't harm the kids, but I think 4 weeks would be better and less likely to raise eyebrows. I could understand longer if say, you had a sibling or a parent on the other side of the world you hadn't spent much time with, but if it's just for enjoyment 9 weeks is perhaps on the indulgent side

TomatoSandwiches · 28/10/2023 13:12

I think it sounds amazing, perhaps 6-7 weeks would be more reasonable but I think this age is better than nearer the exam years tbh.
They are old enough that they don't need constant supervision, I don't think it's selfish at all so long as you agree to do the same for your husband at some point.

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