Father not telling me about abroad trip

[Singleparent13]

some much needed advice please. I am a single parent to a 13 year old. Father lives about a 6 hour drive away and has our son once a month for the weekend and about half the holidays. The next trip is for the end of July and my son has just said his dad is taking him abroad. He’s never done this before. He’s not told me, or asked me. There’s a long line of lack of communication and disrespect, which o try to let go of. Am I wrong to feel this is disrespectful? It’s causing me anxiety as I don’t know what’s going on. I have no issue with him taking our son on holiday. My son has expressed that he’s unsure if he wants to go as doesn’t want to be in a different country to me, and says he’s scared of flying. I am happy to reassure him and make him understand it’s a positive experience. But all I can think is why the hell hasn’t his dad spoken to me about it, and why’s he left to so late, it makes me feel insecure about what else he wouldn’t tell me etc. Am I being unreasonable to feel annoyed /frustrated? Another issue is my sons passport has run out.

Would you tell him if you’d planned to go away and it didn’t interfere with contact?

Abroad just for the weekend?

Has he left it “so late”

it’s more than 6 weeks away

Is the dad from the U.K.?

Another issue is my sons passport has run out.

well there we go. It’s not going to happen

I think he should have mentioned it to you but now it’s booked don’t think of your own feelings and instead think of it as a lovely opportunity for your DC. You don’t want your anxiety to rub off on your DC.

Well it will all be scuppered by the passport being invalid.

I would approach his dad saying your son told you about it, and did he realise the passport was out of date and he needs to apply. Pass the work on to him if he’s taking him away

I don’t think he can do it without your permission

Yes he should have mentioned it to you, especially since he'll need his passport which presumably he does not have.

That aside though, your DS sounds quite anxious for a 13 year old.

Well in the sense that he’s still not told me, I’m not sure if he will tell me until when the trip arrives.

Good point, no I wouldn’t but I’m the prime carer with whom the child lives. But maybe that doesn’t make a difference?

For a week as he’s only got him a week at a time in the summer.

But the trip isn’t going to happen without a passport is it?

so either apply yourself on fast track to see if you can get it on time or inform his dad but it is unfair of you to not mention this

Its unfair of the father not to mention the trip especially if it relies on the passport being valid.

It's not up to her to facilitate the passport renewal if he hasn't even told her he's intending to go abroad

Of course, she doesn't have to mention it. He hasn't even told her he's taking the child abroad.

Do you know which country he's taking him to?

Your ex is an idiot.
If he goes abroad without your permission he risks being stopped and turned away by immigration. It might well be fine, but it is a risk and it can and does happen to parents traveling with their children but without the other parent every year.
Is there any possibility your ex has applied for a different country’s passport for your child ( for example is he is eligible through his father for citizenship is another country). If that is the case, I would be worried. If there’s no possibility of that, then he is doubly idiotic for not checking whether your son’s passport has enough time remaining.

Portugal I think

End of July should be enough time to renew his passport, I was told yesterday it's taking 3-6 weeks, and that's when applying from abroad. But who has control of the passport?

But I'd be cautious about letting a father with significant family ties in a foreign country take the child to that country.

I think you may need to give written consent, but I don't know how/if it is checked, for example at passport control.

Why should she sort out and pay for ds's passport? I agree it would have been nice to be informed but presumably you already know he's a dick and legally, what he does with his son in his time is his business.

I'd casually mention to son he'll need to tell his dad to renew his passport but beyond that, be upbeat and positive about the trip with ds and be quietly thankful he's your ex.

(Obviously all advice goes out the window if you have legitimate concerns about him not returning ds and staying in home country or similar)

Just to add some more info
it was in December last year my son mentioned his dad wanted to take him to portugal sometime. And he said he wasn’t sure if he wanted to go. I think the fact that it was a new idea and a new thing, he just wanted reassurance, he been on a plane before I just think he had a little moment of wanting reassurance. My ex asked to change the dates of contact by one day in the summer and I realised it fits with the flight schedule to portugal (we live somewhere where there’s only one or two flights there a week). So the other day I said to my son ‘is your dad taking you to Portugal at all then?’ He said ‘I think so’
my ex doesn’t really talk to me since I put clear boundaries in place with him. We make arrangements via email and no other contact.

While I'm normally ALL about making sure the father does his share of the mental load and life admin, there's no way I would want an ex having control of my child's passport, especially if he's a dick. Too many opportunities to control what YOU do with your child in the future and too much anxiety.

So I think you should renew the passport yourself, but also take control of this and text the ex. Shame to deny your child a holiday over hearsay and anxiety.

Thanks for everyone’s input it very helpful. I’ve never posted here before. I’m not sure if my individual replies are showing up.

I’ve got no concerns about him not bringing him back at all, and his father is a uk citizen.

I guess it’s all part of a bigger part of it being about a history of control, which is something I need to let go of really. I’m the sense of there’s been lots of things that have happened which have been upsetting and disrespectful. I guess I need to approach this in a way which is emotionally mature.

I’m not taking him abroad, I can’t actually afford to renew the passport at the moment. His dad gives me £40 a week.

£40 a week! If he can afford a holiday, he can afford to pay more than that

Your ex hasn't thought this through has he.

If you think it would be good for your ds to have a good holiday I.e. it's a poolside break and your ds loves the water vs a tour of football grounds when he hates sport. Then I'd tacitly support by making sure ex had information, i.e. ds will need a passport (as its out of date).

On previous behaviour, id be tempted to not bother to ask him what ds will need clothes and toiletries wise, he can buy on site if need be.