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Original poster

Father not telling me about abroad trip

197 replies

Singleparent13 · 11/06/2023 10:38

some much needed advice please. I am a single parent to a 13 year old. Father lives about a 6 hour drive away and has our son once a month for the weekend and about half the holidays. The next trip is for the end of July and my son has just said his dad is taking him abroad. He’s never done this before. He’s not told me, or asked me. There’s a long line of lack of communication and disrespect, which o try to let go of. Am I wrong to feel this is disrespectful? It’s causing me anxiety as I don’t know what’s going on. I have no issue with him taking our son on holiday. My son has expressed that he’s unsure if he wants to go as doesn’t want to be in a different country to me, and says he’s scared of flying. I am happy to reassure him and make him understand it’s a positive experience. But all I can think is why the hell hasn’t his dad spoken to me about it, and why’s he left to so late, it makes me feel insecure about what else he wouldn’t tell me etc. Am I being unreasonable to feel annoyed /frustrated? Another issue is my sons passport has run out.

OP posts:
Original poster
Singleparent13 · 11/06/2023 15:52

Rightiothen13 · 11/06/2023 15:39

The £40 a week… through CMS?

No private agreement
its ten percent of what he earns which is the legal requirement?

OP posts:
Rightiothen13 · 11/06/2023 15:52

So what are you going to do?

tell the ex about the passport?
be encouraging and excited for your son?

or….?

Original poster
Singleparent13 · 11/06/2023 15:52

Rightiothen13 · 11/06/2023 15:37

So the week he’s booked… was actually agreed contact?

Show quote history

Yes it’s is the time he’s scheduled to have him

OP posts:
Rightiothen13 · 11/06/2023 15:55

Why not just give me a heads up.

because that’s not ever been his style in years of separate parenting. So was not going to change for this.

Rightiothen13 · 11/06/2023 15:57

and says he’s scared of flying.

but you say going abroad with you is “not a big deal to him” 😐

Original poster
Singleparent13 · 11/06/2023 15:59

Rightiothen13 · 11/06/2023 15:57

and says he’s scared of flying.

but you say going abroad with you is “not a big deal to him” 😐

So the flying thing I think is irrelevant, he flew with me a few years ago but has since seen something that put him off (castaway that he saw a trailer for!!) I don’t think it’s about the flying but he’s just a bit anxious, nothing that can’t be reassured though.

OP posts:
EggInANest · 11/06/2023 16:03

A 13 yo can’t be expected to know whether his passport is in date or not.

I would send a businesslike message: “Ds has said you are possibly planning a holiday abroad in July. Just to let you know that his passport has expired, so let me know what you need in order to get it renewed asap. Also please give me the details of country and accommodation so that I can give you the letter of my consent that you will need in order to take him out of the country”

EggInANest · 11/06/2023 16:03

P.S which ensures he will tell you where he us taking him.

Rightiothen13 · 11/06/2023 16:03

Rightiothen13 · 11/06/2023 15:52

So what are you going to do?

tell the ex about the passport?
be encouraging and excited for your son?

or….?

?

please consider that your DS is very likely downplaying bis excitement to you . The poor boy has parents that despise one another, that will play heavily on his mind when he’s telling you about abroad plans

Rightiothen13 · 11/06/2023 16:05

Op you have to deal with the passport ie tell the ex or your boy is going to be so disappointed.

Original poster
Singleparent13 · 11/06/2023 16:08

It’s really helpful to get feedback. I think i should have added that my son has never lived with his dad and me as we separated before the birth, and he’s never lived with his dad separately. When he sees his dad for the weekend once a month it’s in an Airbnb or camping/van in summer. He only went to his dads house for the first time in his life last year. I don’t think he is overly anxious, but it’s a new thing for him and a step to be in a different country to me (that’s what he said that he didn’t want to be in a different country to me) But I think even since Christmas he’s matured a lot. I think the flying thing was just an excuse for needing a bit of reassurance about going. And that’s the problem, because I don’t know 100% what’s going on I can’t communicate about it with clarity. I guess I feel let down and annoyed but that’s my issue that I need to put one side. I would love for my ex to tell me this trip is happening and check how we both feel. It’s not even in question IF he goes abroad, as legally he’s entitled to and I want my son to have the opportunity. I’m not upset about him going at all (just the same as if he goes abroad with school next year, that’s a fun opportunity) it’s just I haven’t been asked or spoken to about to about it at all. And it feels like a game that I’m trying to detach from. And I worry what else he wouldn’t communicate.

OP posts:
ConfessionsOfAMumDramaQueen · 11/06/2023 16:08

I mean, he hasn't asked you so it's all irrelevant. I'd wait until he asks.

Then say you're happy for him to go however he's left it a bit late considering the passport has run out, but you're happy to send him the old one if he wants to pay for an express service to try get a new one in time. I'd also be saying he doesn't have any holiday clothes etc as you aren't going away so he'll also have to source and sort all that. Do nothing for the holiday.

He'll probably kick off but then you give him a shrug and tell him he shouldn't be planning a trip only X time in advance and that the first thing you'd do before booking an abroad trip is check passport validity. If he says son said he has one, you tell him first of all not to trust the word of a 13 yo, and that he does have a passport, it's just expired.

Rightiothen13 · 11/06/2023 16:09

Ok so doggedly avoid my question re the passport 🤷‍♀️

Rightiothen13 · 11/06/2023 16:09

Your boy is going to be very disappointed at this rate

ConfessionsOfAMumDramaQueen · 11/06/2023 16:11

And I should say keep calm and grey rock any abusive messages. Stock message of

'well that wouldn't have happened had you consulted me about the trip earlier'
'Well that could have been sorted had you given me more notice'
'Had you told me about the trip I would have been able to tell you about X problem sooner'

Original poster
Singleparent13 · 11/06/2023 16:13

Rightiothen13 · 11/06/2023 16:03

?

please consider that your DS is very likely downplaying bis excitement to you . The poor boy has parents that despise one another, that will play heavily on his mind when he’s telling you about abroad plans

Show quote history

haven’t said I despise my ex at all, and I hope he doesn’t despise me! Maybe he does, but that’s extreme. For me I distance myself for self preservation.

not sure why he’d downplay excitement? I’m not upset and wouldn’t be upset about him going away, he’s been going away with his dad since he was 3 without me and I have a rich social life, hobbies, job, and it’s the only time I het to myself. I’ve learnt to accept it after all these years. The issue isn’t about him going abroad at all.

OP posts:
Honeychickpea · 11/06/2023 16:14

Gymmum82 · 11/06/2023 15:10

Well he’s not going to be taking him if he hasn’t told you and his passport is expired is he. I’d probably wait for him to tell you last minute then act all surprised and tell him he has no passport

While that might give the mum some nasty satisfacion, it's very unlikely to make her son happy.

Original poster
Singleparent13 · 11/06/2023 16:18

Rightiothen13 · 11/06/2023 15:50

So how come his passport has expired andYou can’t afford to renew if you go abroad a lot?

Show quote history

Where did I say I go abroad a lot?! Twice I’m 13 years 😀

OP posts:
Rightiothen13 · 11/06/2023 16:19

So you’re not going to tell him about the passport

and you and his father don’t actually despise one another

andYou can’t fathom why your son might downplay his excitement knowing that his parents have no positive relationship whatsoever between them

ok then. I’ll bow out

Rightiothen13 · 11/06/2023 16:19

Singleparent13 · 11/06/2023 16:18

Where did I say I go abroad a lot?! Twice I’m 13 years 😀

Show quote history

You said going abroad with you was “not big deal for him”

Rightiothen13 · 11/06/2023 16:20

Ok so you’re “not upset”

but you are annoyed /frustrated?

Original poster
Singleparent13 · 11/06/2023 16:24

Rightiothen13 · 11/06/2023 16:19

So you’re not going to tell him about the passport

and you and his father don’t actually despise one another

andYou can’t fathom why your son might downplay his excitement knowing that his parents have no positive relationship whatsoever between them

ok then. I’ll bow out

I’m not not going to not tell him, I haven’t said that, I was merely asking for advice actually, on how to respond or not respond and it’s been very helpful to hear people’s thoughts.

I’ve worked extremely hard over the years to not project any feelings about my ex onto my son. We also had quite a short relationship when I was young and didn’t understand what I deserved and was worthy of. I am extremely grateful his dad sees him and loves him. It’s not without challenges but I don't ever talk badly of his father in front of him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Singleparent13 · 11/06/2023 16:26

ConfessionsOfAMumDramaQueen · 11/06/2023 16:11

And I should say keep calm and grey rock any abusive messages. Stock message of

'well that wouldn't have happened had you consulted me about the trip earlier'
'Well that could have been sorted had you given me more notice'
'Had you told me about the trip I would have been able to tell you about X problem sooner'

Helpful, thank you 😃

OP posts:
ConfessionsOfAMumDramaQueen · 11/06/2023 16:27

I don't get why people are saying its on OP to tell him about the passport? He hasn't even told her he plans to take him away. He might not be, her son doesn't even sound sure! She has no need to try read his mind and figure out what he may or may not be planning.

She isn't his partner. She doesn't need to do the 'wife work' to make sure his trip isn't a disaster. OP does not need to put herself out running around and getting herself into debt sorting out an emergency passport renewal, getting any bits he needs etc.

People use 'do it for the child' way too much. His dad should be doing it for him. Lack of planning and communication on dads end does not constitute an emergency on OPs.

If she wants to she can be extra nice and send him a message saying son mentioned they might be going away so to let her know if he needs his old passport sending so he can sort out an express renewal, what size clothes he is for holiday clothes and to remind him e.g. son burns easily so he'll need to pack plenty of factor 50. She definitely doesn't 'need to' though. But that opens it up to him turning around and having a go at OP saying its her job to do X,Y,Z which it isn't. And she definitely shouldn't be shelling out for it when she doesn't have the money 'for her son', especially when his dad barely contributes.

Rightiothen13 · 11/06/2023 16:35

Because ultimately the person who’s going to suffer if the passport situation isn’t dealt with… is this 13 year old boy

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