Father not telling me about abroad trip

[Singleparent13]

some much needed advice please. I am a single parent to a 13 year old. Father lives about a 6 hour drive away and has our son once a month for the weekend and about half the holidays. The next trip is for the end of July and my son has just said his dad is taking him abroad. He’s never done this before. He’s not told me, or asked me. There’s a long line of lack of communication and disrespect, which o try to let go of. Am I wrong to feel this is disrespectful? It’s causing me anxiety as I don’t know what’s going on. I have no issue with him taking our son on holiday. My son has expressed that he’s unsure if he wants to go as doesn’t want to be in a different country to me, and says he’s scared of flying. I am happy to reassure him and make him understand it’s a positive experience. But all I can think is why the hell hasn’t his dad spoken to me about it, and why’s he left to so late, it makes me feel insecure about what else he wouldn’t tell me etc. Am I being unreasonable to feel annoyed /frustrated? Another issue is my sons passport has run out.

Standard response to requests for suncream, swimsuit, sunglasses, towels should be - I'm not taking him on holiday, you are, and all of these things are extra costs which making going on holiday expensive - I'm confident you can figure this out for you and ds.

I'd be tempted to email 'Ds is under the impression you are taking him abroad in July. I assume this is incorrect as you have not sought my permission which is a legal requirement, and not asked for his expired passport in order to arrange a new one. Please can you reassure ds that this is not the case as he is very nervous about the prospect of flying. Regards.'

Hmm if you don’t think there’s any risk he wouldn’t come back then you kind of Ave to let him go. But I wouldn’t mention his passport at all and if it’s expired and no time to renew it too bad!!

if he does get a new passport could you get your son to ask if he can carry his own so it comes bac k to yours?

if you look at the child maintenance calculator does he owe you only 40 a month or much more? Have you considered going through cms?

Legally he needs your agreement to take him abroad.

Seeing he is controlling and is refusing to communicate, I’d be tempted to just wait and see.
Let him find out about the passport being out if date. Let him sort out clothes etc…
I suspect the more passive and un reacting you are, the better it is.

Do you think his dad has applied fir a new passport for your ds though? Could well have done it on his side….

I’m not sure there is much point being supportive to your son about flying etc but purposely not mentioning the expired passport & therefore knowing that there is going to be a scene at the airport. Your son will bear the brunt of that.

the situation is not ideal, but it’s nice that your ex actually wants to take your son somewhere nice, even if he is financially neglectful.

I would email him, tell him what you understand and that the passport is expired & he will need to send you the £ this weekend if he wants you to renew it. Tell him that as the resident parent, you will be the one to renew it, not him, but he must transfer you the money first. He may need to countersign the form too, so you will have to send it next day delivery to him & then he will have to send it on - he has to transfer the money for postage too ( £5?).

Make sure your son doesn’t leave the passport with his father at the end of the trip.

After the trip you need to take the maintenance up with CMS.

I don't get this.

A holiday to Portugal should be a positive, confidence building experience for any child, particularly am anxious child with limited experience abroad like OPs.

Unless dad is unsafe why not ignore the adult issues (dad's a dick, maintenance is too low) and do whatever necessary to help the child benefit from a positive experience whether that be by saying heads up ex, DS needs his passport renewing or choosing to do it yourself.

Would probably take the wind out of his sails too that you're taking it in your stride and not getting wound up.

Not sure why it won’t let me reply to individual responses. I actually have no reason to not let him go, and I would have said yes. The issue is that he’s not told me and it’s already planned and booked ages ago (I think). And then I would have had time to get my son comfortable with the idea. His dad always blocks me when he has my son, so I’d want reassurance I can reach his dad every few days or so to know my son is ok. I just worry his game playing (if that’s what it is) can cause problems.

Does you ds not have a phone that he can contact you on?

For your son’s sake, I would be supportive and positive. You don’t have any of the admin to do (holiday shopping etc) except for the passport.

I would just tell your ex that DS doesn’t have any nice summer clothes but fits a 13 - 14 in H&M for when HE is shopping for the trip. Let him dress his own son (maybe just make sure DS has sunnies & a cool baseball cap for the sun, just in case!).

If dad sorts holliay abd oays passport that s great your ds gets a great experience
He is 13 not 3 so can take a mobile and call you in an emergency
Ler dad sort everything clothes bags etc
Give ds a. Pre paid card for emergency

Surely ds can text you or whats app pics and messages

Does he get to secondary school on his own ?

Look at videos of flying air ports planes going on holuday in a plane what to expect at airport
Most kids would be excited if a bit nervous
Reassure him millions of people fly each year

What happens if he goes and only then finds out about the passport? What happens if he stays home - do you need to arrange things for him? Would you be called upon to fetch him?

I would ask DS to message his father and explain he doesn’t have a passport in date - and not summer clothes / suncream etc and ask when they are going shopping?

Before any of this hand wringing I'd be getting in touch to find out whether he is actually booked or not, rather than taking an 'I think so' from a young teen as gospel.

I'm confused about the changing dates and matching flights thing though. If his Dad is 6 hours drive away presumably they could be flying from your most local airport, or his, or any in between?

Once it's confirmed as happening then you point out that his passport is expired and offer to do the renewal as soon as he transfers you the money to cover it.

This.

Legally he can't take ds out of the UK without your permission and you can refuse this (although if he took it to court he would likely be given permission).

If the passport is expired he's going to have to get hos skates on to get it renewed.

Six weeks is plenty of time to prep your son for the trip.
Call your ex. Or email if calling is always disastrous. Find out what’s happening. Tell him about the passport and that he needs to pay for a renewal (if holiday is happening). Grey rock all nonsense and stick to the important part.
Get your son some way of independently contacting you - basically a cellphone with some way of sending messages/calls that won’t cost a fortune. It will not be difficult. Make sure it’s foolproof and your ex can’t screw it up by messing with the setting and costing you something astronomical in roaming costs.
Ex is in charge of buying any summer necessities your son does not already own. Let your son do his own packing with you just overseeing/suggesting if anything is silly - eg. 2 jumpers is more than enough, 3 tshirts is not enough, you can’t take your playstation. Get him to communicate with his dad about what he does already have and what he might need specifically for the holiday eg, x pairs of shorts, lots of t-shirts. Swimming shorts, flip flops no longer fit.

Hi @Singleparent13, to reply to an individual, you need to click to "quote" option rather than the "reply" option. It's really counterintuitive.

Alternatively you can put @ and the posters username and it'll make it clearer who your responding to.

To answer your actual post, I'd just keep out of it. It'll be a good thing for your child to experience a holiday abroad, but I'd get your child to tell his Dad that he's not got a passport now, so it doesn't come as a massive panic later.

Could dad apply for a new one?

I'd message him- explain that the passport is currently out of date, so if there is a plan to take him, that the cost will be x amount. Does your son now want to go? Does he have a mobile? Could you get him a cheap one so you can stay in contact? Other option is to do nothing, and the holiday won't go ahead regardless of what dad has said if there is no passport. However it sounds like doing that. Even though you'd be more than fair to do so would cause ongoing arguments.

I'm not sure that him not informing you 6 weeks out is an issue, the lack of passport is! Inform his father that your son has told you about the holiday (at 13 it's quite acceptable for the child to be told things to pass on) and the passport has expired, say that his father should renew it and let you have the address to send the old one to.

“Before any of this hand wringing I'd be getting in touch to find out whether he is actually booked or not, rather than taking an 'I think so' from a young teen as gospel. “

This.

and don’t let your son get to the airport with an expired passport, the fall out isn’t worth it.

Yes he’s walked to and from school independently for a few years.

No, probably not in advance anyway, good point.

For a week

Maybe not, but he hasn’t told me!