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Original poster

Father not telling me about abroad trip

197 replies

Singleparent13 · 11/06/2023 10:38

some much needed advice please. I am a single parent to a 13 year old. Father lives about a 6 hour drive away and has our son once a month for the weekend and about half the holidays. The next trip is for the end of July and my son has just said his dad is taking him abroad. He’s never done this before. He’s not told me, or asked me. There’s a long line of lack of communication and disrespect, which o try to let go of. Am I wrong to feel this is disrespectful? It’s causing me anxiety as I don’t know what’s going on. I have no issue with him taking our son on holiday. My son has expressed that he’s unsure if he wants to go as doesn’t want to be in a different country to me, and says he’s scared of flying. I am happy to reassure him and make him understand it’s a positive experience. But all I can think is why the hell hasn’t his dad spoken to me about it, and why’s he left to so late, it makes me feel insecure about what else he wouldn’t tell me etc. Am I being unreasonable to feel annoyed /frustrated? Another issue is my sons passport has run out.

OP posts:
LadyBird1973 · 11/06/2023 20:37

I wouldn't be happy letting my child go abroad with some half arsed prat who doesn't even pay proper child support. Your son has only been in his dad's house in the last year! So no, I wouldn't trust him with my child in another country - he hasn't had the courtesy to ask you or even considered that he needs your consent or covered off the practicality of checking the passport! I'd tell DS that he isn't going and I wouldn't lift a finger to assist.

I don't think it's that hard to renew a child's passport even if it's already expired. The fact that he's already had one means all the identification checks have been done. He could do it online in 10 minutes

MagicBullet · 11/06/2023 20:40

Carryonkeepinggoing · 11/06/2023 16:43

It takes 10 minutes and 11 pounds to legally order a UK birth certificate of anyone you like.
A more relevant question would be is ex named as father on the birth certificate. From OP’s scenario so far, I assume he is, but if he isn’t then he’s even more of an idiot than I first assumed.

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On a legal pov I’m not sure where the ex would stand if he isn’t in the birth certificate. Would he need a paper from the OP stating he can take the child abroad?

LadyBird1973 · 11/06/2023 20:43

I'm assuming he is on the birth certificate but if not he has no automatic legal rights. He could get them if he went to court but he certainly couldn't just take the child abroad.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 11/06/2023 20:48

I'd just work on this being something you don't actually know. If he hasn't told you, or asked you to check the passport, then just sit back and wait.

If and when he asks, you can say "a holiday? How nice. When?" Then you can confirm passport details. He can also be responsible for sorting all the holiday clothes too.

Original poster
Singleparent13 · 11/06/2023 21:06

LadyBird1973 · 11/06/2023 20:37

I wouldn't be happy letting my child go abroad with some half arsed prat who doesn't even pay proper child support. Your son has only been in his dad's house in the last year! So no, I wouldn't trust him with my child in another country - he hasn't had the courtesy to ask you or even considered that he needs your consent or covered off the practicality of checking the passport! I'd tell DS that he isn't going and I wouldn't lift a finger to assist.

I don't think it's that hard to renew a child's passport even if it's already expired. The fact that he's already had one means all the identification checks have been done. He could do it online in 10 minutes

Thank you. Interesting to hear your point of view. It takes up to ten weeks for a passport, even to just renew, or one week if you do the express service and go to a passport office but they don’t always have appointments as it’s so busy. I checked all this!

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 11/06/2023 21:07

Honestly it's not your problem to worry about. If and when he requests it, send it or tell him the expiry date. It's his own fault, as he has failed to communicate this with you.

Original poster
Singleparent13 · 11/06/2023 21:13

LadyBird1973 · 11/06/2023 20:43

I'm assuming he is on the birth certificate but if not he has no automatic legal rights. He could get them if he went to court but he certainly couldn't just take the child abroad.

Yes he’s on the birth certificate
he would have taken me to court to get on this

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 12/06/2023 00:24

Singleparent13 · 11/06/2023 21:13

Yes he’s on the birth certificate
he would have taken me to court to get on this

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Couldn’t give a shit about paying for his child. But would fight for the right to be legally recognised as a deadbeat dad.

Itsanotherhreatday · 12/06/2023 02:30

I'd tell DS that he isn't going and I wouldn't lift a finger to assist.

Dont tell your son this, this make you look the bad guy and his father will twist this as parent alienation.
As far as you’re aware there is not holiday. Just a few maybes?

Maybe your son doesn’t want to go, knows his passport has expired and is keeping quiet in the Hoe he doesn’t have to go?

Honeychickpea · 12/06/2023 08:17

MagicBullet · 11/06/2023 20:40

On a legal pov I’m not sure where the ex would stand if he isn’t in the birth certificate. Would he need a paper from the OP stating he can take the child abroad?

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It appears that the OP took her son abroad without any papers from his father so my guess guess would be no.

Original poster
Singleparent13 · 12/06/2023 09:22

Itsanotherhreatday · 12/06/2023 02:30

I'd tell DS that he isn't going and I wouldn't lift a finger to assist.

Dont tell your son this, this make you look the bad guy and his father will twist this as parent alienation.
As far as you’re aware there is not holiday. Just a few maybes?

Maybe your son doesn’t want to go, knows his passport has expired and is keeping quiet in the Hoe he doesn’t have to go?

Yes I was thinking exactly this, I get the sense he doesn’t really want to do which is why he’s not talked about it at all unless I’ve asked (which I did once)

OP posts:
Passionfruitroulade · 12/06/2023 15:40

I agree that your DS is hardly likely to be sharing his excitement with you OP about the holiday.

But a teen boy, long summer holidays ahead of him going back and forth 12 hour round journey between his parents and abroad twice in his life, the last time years ago… I reckon he will be super excited but being a sensitive son to his single mum who has a very difficult relationship with his father

Passionfruitroulade · 12/06/2023 15:41

Have you had cause to be concerned about the care your son receives when he’s with his father on the other side of the country?

Temporaryname158 · 12/06/2023 19:12

Have you informed his father about the passport yet? As days are passing and if appointments aren’t frequent it is reducing your sons chances of the holiday

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 13/06/2023 11:44

As your son hasn’t been abroad much it will be a good experience for him. I would work on finding out the details, being upfront on the passport so it can be sorted and work on getting your son feeling excited and confident about going. If you are involved with preparing your son then you will feel more in control. Definitely tell the dad that he needs to pay for passport and clothing etc though.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 13/06/2023 13:15

Temporaryname158 · 12/06/2023 19:12

Have you informed his father about the passport yet? As days are passing and if appointments aren’t frequent it is reducing your sons chances of the holiday

Why should she? The man hasn't even told her he wants to take their child abroad. It's for him to ask and find out.

CurlewKate · 13/06/2023 13:25

"Why should she? The man hasn't even told her he wants to take their child abroad. It's for him to ask and find out."

Obviously she shouldn't have to. But personally, I would do it so the boy gets his holiday.

Honeychickpea · 13/06/2023 13:33

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 13/06/2023 13:15

Why should she? The man hasn't even told her he wants to take their child abroad. It's for him to ask and find out.

Show quote history

Whether or not she should inform the boy's father depends on which is more important to her - one upping the dad or the boy having a nice holiday abroad.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 13/06/2023 13:51

Her son has already said he doesn't want to go!

Honeychickpea · 13/06/2023 14:12

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 13/06/2023 13:51

Her son has already said he doesn't want to go!

No, he said he was unsure about wanting to go because of anxiety regarding flying and being in a different country than OP. Both of which are pretty easy to overcome.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 13/06/2023 14:16

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 13/06/2023 13:51

Her son has already said he doesn't want to go!

most children want to go on holiday (I do understand some don’t) so it would be good to understand why he doesn’t want to go to see if he genuinely wouldn’t enjoy it or if there is something holding him back that can be overcome. If he’s going to enjoy the holiday why should he miss out.

CurlewKate · 13/06/2023 15:10

He's said he's not sure about going. That's not the same as his mother deciding that, in order to score points off his father (however justified) has made it impossible for him to go if he wants to.

Honeychickpea · 13/06/2023 18:53

OP, have you discussed the reasons for your son's anxiety about being in a different country from you? It might be quite easy to reassure him if you know what is worrying him.

HandsupSue · 16/06/2023 07:50

I’m guessing you’ve kept quiet and not told your ex about the passport

meanwhile your ds tells his friends he’s going on holiday for a week and no doubt by get excited, particularly as this will be the third time in his life he’s been abroad.

HandsupSue · 16/06/2023 07:52

CurlewKate · 13/06/2023 15:10

He's said he's not sure about going. That's not the same as his mother deciding that, in order to score points off his father (however justified) has made it impossible for him to go if he wants to.

He knows things are very tense between his parents
he’s no doubt been stuck in the middle many a time
you really think he’s going to convey his excitement to his mother, knowing she can’t afford one