Father not telling me about abroad trip

[Singleparent13]

some much needed advice please. I am a single parent to a 13 year old. Father lives about a 6 hour drive away and has our son once a month for the weekend and about half the holidays. The next trip is for the end of July and my son has just said his dad is taking him abroad. He’s never done this before. He’s not told me, or asked me. There’s a long line of lack of communication and disrespect, which o try to let go of. Am I wrong to feel this is disrespectful? It’s causing me anxiety as I don’t know what’s going on. I have no issue with him taking our son on holiday. My son has expressed that he’s unsure if he wants to go as doesn’t want to be in a different country to me, and says he’s scared of flying. I am happy to reassure him and make him understand it’s a positive experience. But all I can think is why the hell hasn’t his dad spoken to me about it, and why’s he left to so late, it makes me feel insecure about what else he wouldn’t tell me etc. Am I being unreasonable to feel annoyed /frustrated? Another issue is my sons passport has run out.

Yes

This.

I think @titchy’s message is perfect, it makes your ex responsible for the passport renewal and also points out ( in a non-aggressive manner) that he can’t just take your DS abroad without your permission.

Send this message and wait for the response. If he asks you to renew the passport, firmly state that you simply don’t have the money.

I'd do nothing, and wait for your EX to ask you for your DS passport. Give it to him, and let him do all the runaround and one day renewal when he realises it's expired.

I’m not sure there is much point being supportive to your son about flying etc but purposely not mentioning the expired passport & therefore knowing that there is going to be a scene at the airport. Your son will bear the brunt of that.

How would there be a scene at the airport. At some stage op's ex is going to need to ask for the passport. At this point she can tell him it's expired. If he leaves it too late to ask that's on him

@Starseeking I’ve got to admit that in this particular situation, I’d be strongly tempted to do that. 😈

But, would it cause her DS distress/would his Dad blame him for not mentioning the expired passport, for example?

I think giving the Dad a heads-up now could lessen her DS’s stress- unless her DS really don’t want to go and an expired passport would be the perfect excuse.

Would a parent really expect a 13 year old to know his passport has expired?

sounds like the dad hasn’t even thought about it.

given Waiting times it is probably too late now anyway - unless he is willing to pay to fast track the renewal. oP make sure you aren’t stuck with the bill and the admin to update the passport

Well he’s not going to be taking him if he hasn’t told you and his passport is expired is he. I’d probably wait for him to tell you last minute then act all surprised and tell him he has no passport

Logically no, @Stripedbag101 , but we don’t know what the Dad is like, he might have a nasty temper. In the OP’s shoes, I’d email @titchy’s message now.

It really doesn't make a difference. As your son has a passport I guess you have taken him abroad before, and i doubt that you asked for permission. I note, however, that your son's father just assumed passport would be valid rather than checking. Let him deal, not your circus.

I doubt the 13 year old DS would even know about what date his passport expires; I went to book my DC summer holiday and discovered their passports expired 3 weeks ago, and I was the one who set the passports up in the first place; I just forgot.

The relationship between OP and her EX sounds typical of the dynamic with men who like to control, and similar to my EXDP. Expecting a woman to organise him and continue wifework despite having split.

OP's EX hadn't even had the courtesy to:

• tell her about the holiday
• request her permission to go abroad
• ask for DS passport well in advance

If the EX approaches OP regarding the above, by all means she should provide it, but if I was the OP I really wouldn't be chasing down my EX about things he hasn't bothered to tell me about!

Tbh I think I would just ask your ex his plans, he may not have anything booked. I have seen teens picking up half conversations and getting the wrong end of the stick. Your ex might have just thought about going away and mentioned it to your ds in December but may have changed his mind.

If he has booked a holiday, I think you both need to put aside your dislike for each other, it will turn into tit for tat, him not telling you to annoy you, you not telling him about the passport, the only one who will loose out will be your ds.

Inform him the passport is out of date, tell him to collect the old one to arrange the new one.

Tell him that your ds is nervous, this is perfectly normal, tell your ex, no matter how you feel about each other, that it's important that he is on the same page in encouraging your ds and reassuring him.

If it were my child, I would probably do a little ruck sack bag with essentials, yes your ex can buy the bulk of the stuff needed, just something nice for your ds.

I would tell him about M the passport or tell ds to tell his dad. People don't think about passports all of the time. There is always a load of threads about it. He would hardly be the first person to not realise the passport is out of date!

Perhaps he has thought of it and has applied for one.

I wouldn't deliberately sabotage the holiday of my own son.

Obviously the OP shouldn't have to renew the boy's passport, but she should certainly tell the father it's run out. It would be horrible if the kid didn't get the holiday because of this.

He won't have applied for a new one as he needs to send the old one away as part of the application and OP has it.

He won't have applied for a new one as he needs to send the old one away as part of the application and OP has it.

You can report it lost.

If he has booked a holiday, I think you both need to put aside your dislike for each other, it will turn into tit for tat, him not telling you to annoy you, you not telling him about the passport, the only one who will loose out will be your ds.

That's how I see it, @Wendysfriend . Yes, her ex might be a controlling arsehole, but this is about her DS, not him.

Ha, yes this is a good way of looking at it, to be grateful he’s my ex! The advice is really helpful, thank you

Unfortunately he pays what he’s legally obliged to, ten percent of his earnings (I think that’s right) and works very little but is supported by wealthy family. Unfortunately them helping him buggers it up for me as he doesn’t have to work much and I’m not entitled to a cut of family handouts.

I never even thought of asking him to sort holiday clothes, brilliant idea, thank you!

He can’t apply for one without the old one or a birth certificate as far as I’m aware. Also he’s asked my son if he has a passport to which he told him yes!

Yes you are both right. It’s just really hard to think he would see the potential problems or not communicating this to me. And my son who isn’t sure if they are going abroad but ‘thinks so’

Ok so this is against the agreed contact?

in any event… non issue. Not a chance he will get his ass in gear and get a passport in time. Even if he applies tomorrow, it would still be risky

That’s what I thought! Thanks for confirming

No it’s not against agreed contact, he’s never taken him abroad before but is allowed. Trust me, he’ll get his arse in gear to sort this if it’s what he really wants.