DD refusing to consider Oxbridge: are her reasons valid?

[ArtichokeDip]

DD is in year 12 at our local school. She has never related to the studious high achieving crowd at school. They are not the people she finds it easy to be friends with. She is quite a hedonist and enjoys parties, clubs, dancing, long nights out.

At GCSE she got exceptional grades for her school: 5x9, 4x8. Her passio is English Lit and she wants to study that at uni. Her A-level English teacher says she is already consistently working at A star level and that seems to be true for History and for RE too. This week the school asked her to join a new Oxbridge application prep group they are trailing . DD declined.

DD is convinced she won’t make friends at Oxbridge because she believes everyone will be very studious and there will be few people who enjoy nights out like she likes. She says there will be too much study and not enough fun. Are these valid reasons? How much is it worth pushing back and trying to change her mind? She currently only dreams of applying to big Northern city unis with busy night lives: Manchester, Leeds, Newcastle. All great places but is it crazy not to explore Oxbridge applications if you have a chance?

She must go to an open day to see where she might be studying - if she were to hit it off with a fellow future student that could sway her - these places have a vibe and she needs to visit.
DD 1 went to the uni that offered the best night life and DS preferred the one with the more laid back head of faculty and did well there

I went to Oxford. To put it bluntly I made friends easily but I honestly did NOT have anything in common with them. It was hard to relate to them but I hid it well. I still have several friends from uni but their ideas of fun were not on the same level as me.

I did my masters at a ‘normal’ uni and had a great time. I also had friends to hang out with for clubbing, on weekends and holidays because my friends from Oxford spent their holidays skiing or in work placements that their parents had set up for them.

My child is at Oxford at the moment and, yes, it's very intense, very hard work and you have to be ready for that. However, everyone there is in the same boat so working hard is the norm which makes it easier. It's only when she chats to friends at other places that she really gets or remembers how different her experience is.

Accommodation is guaranteed for the whole three years and students only pay for term time. That means they ultimately pay less overall than students at other Universities but the downside is they have to move out every term.
That is something to consider because it involves trips to collect them, take them back every term. Cambridge is the same. If you live far from the Uni that could be a real pain. But if contributing less to maintenance is a factor then Oxbridge is definitely cheaper.

My DD is loving it and has fully embraced the intense Oxford life but I can see it wouldn't be for everyone. She wanted to go there for her particular subject which is well thought of at Oxford.
However, I don't think Cambridge or Oxford are the best for all subjects though & their style of teaching is quite old fashioned.

Schools push bright kids down the Oxbridge route so be wary of that & let her make her own mind up.

True, but she is young, and obviously her mum wants to help guide her. I think that's OK.

I went to Oxford some 30 years ago and my DD is there now and I never personally recognise the descriptions of just how hard oxbridge students work that you read on here.
Over the last two weeks, from what I know about my DD's social life, she has been to two gigs in London, her favourite of the Oxford club nights, her least favourite of the Oxford club nights, a football match, two formal halls, a college bop (disco in the bar thing), and a 'crew date', which is a weird-sounding thing where you meet up with another group of people, e.g. people doing your subject from another college or another sports team or something, and drink a lot. So not wall-to-wall clubbing, but not spending her life in the library either.

I think (finances and practical considerations notwithstanding) it should be entirely a young person's choice where they go to university and if she feels that it is not for her and she'd be happier elsewhere, that's her choice to make at any stage of the process. It's really hard to sit back when you think your kids aren't making the best decisions or considering the options fully, but at this point I think we have to try!

I was pushed by my working class mum to go to Oxbridge. I'm so glad I didnt. I struggled enough to not feel out of place at Bristol! Oxbridge would have been awful!

If she doesn't want to go to either Oxford or Cambridge, you should respect her decision. My son had an interview at Oxford and it put him off at that point. He loved every moment of where he did end up going. Not going to Oxbridge hasn't done his career any harm at all.

I wish DS1 had not applied (he didn’t get in) - he always said he didn’t want to but got his head turned by school and he found the prep stressful on top of everything else he was doing.

Don’t you need all 9s to even think about Oxbridge?

Also (the process may have changed) I thought another problem is that it’s very obvious to the other universities that one has applied to Oxbridge (because one applies early) and it may hurt chances of acceptance from those other unis as well. In my day you couldn’t apply for as many either but that might have changed now.

It looks good on the school to have more applying to Oxbridge but don’t let them affect your daughters chances at the universities, which it sounds like she’d prefer anyway.

In my experience, I'd say your daughter is spot on. My eldest went to Cambridge and it's intense with little time for much outside fun in term time.
She did meet people who were there clearly to fulfill their patents' dreams and they were often a bit miserable.

For what it's worth, my youngest, seeing my older d's experience chose Durham for English lit - had a blast - there's something cheesily called the Durham difference, that speaks to this experience. Oddly Durham seems to have a posher cohort than Cambs - but she found her people anyway. She then went to Oxford for her Masters in English lit as she was always curious about the Oxford experience. She is very glad she did it that way round.

I'd say if your d loves lit and is bright, choosing the best course and vibe for her is most important.. If she still loves lit at the end, Oxbridge may still be on the cards.

Just another thought, if your ds school does not typically send kids to Oxbridge and they have this new programme, your d may be under a bit of pressure from the school to join it and push on this pathway? Just a guess...it's such a feather in an ordinary school's cap (it was for my ds school also) so if I may, I'd suggest relaxing a little on this and enjoy helping your clever d make the best choice for her.

Met a mum at a party recently her son graduated from Cambridge two years ago and is struggling to get a job as are many of his peers. So it’s not necessarily the golden ticket it once was.

@PinkElephants356 no, you don’t need all 9s. 8s and 9s are fine.

(A 9 is an A star and an 8 is a low A star/high A. Wales still has the letter system for GCSEs)

Ive known many people who went to oxbridge and did not enjoy the experience. Enough to know that being pushed into it does create a happy outcome.

Ultimately it's here choice, not yours.

She needs to go where SHE wants to go. Leave her to it, force her and she probably won't thrive there.

The only point I would make is she's making an assumption. Wouldn't it be better to go down the path, meet some people at open days then make a more informed decision?

Maybe in this particular situation that's a waste of time but as a general approach I don't think you should rule stuff out based on an idea in your head!

Many years ago my headmaster got very angry with me when I refused to consider Oxford or Cambridge (well Oxford mainly as he was an Oxford man himself).

7 years later I was in Cambridge for 3 years as a postdoc. I really didn't regret not going at 18. I wouldn't have fitted in at 18 and didn't fit in at 25, but was able able to cope with that when older.

Heads so far up their own backsides everything they see is framed by teeth.

My son graduated from there and is from a very remote ordinary comp. He made dozens of friends, mostly through college. Partied hard and got a good degree. The only thing is it is academically hard (he wrote twice as many essays as DD doing a similar course at a RG university). Plus the “job bonus” they were promised has not really materialised for his friends. He now works in the night time economy. You have to want the academic side, badly. Social side is just like anywhere else, but more intense as there are shorter terms.

Not wanting to go is in and of itself a good reason. The fetishisation of Oxbridge on this site is ridiculous

My husband went to Oxford and he had a ball. Literally, they have loads of them haha. The pressure isn’t for everybody, my son is being encouraged to apply but to be honest I don’t really think I would be massively up for it. Have you been to see if ? It’s very beautiful but it feels incredibly closed off in some ways and I know I would have hated it, it feels very claustrophobic.

She's 100% correct. My youngest recently visited a friend at Oxford she said thank goodness I didn't try and go there!

My impression from friends is work hard, party hard and that a lot of people have a lot of money there. After my visit, I was glad not to get an offer to be honest. It definitely wasnt my vibe in various ways.

My daughter is a current Oxford student; your daughter is right. There is a social life but it's more limited than at some other universities. For example, house parties are rare as the vast majority of students are living in university owned accommodation, with all the monitoring that entails. And noise violations are treated seriously!

I partied more at Oxford as a postgrad than I did at Manchester as an undergrad. Obviously the partying was less "cool" (college bops rather than big clubs) but it was more accessible and cheaper.

At Oxford I met way more people and a wider range of people through the college system, it was easier to try different sports and extracurriculars, and there was a work hard play hard vibe to the short terms. So it was a more social experience overall for me than Manchester had been.

I have twins who both went to Cambridge. They thoroughly enjoyed their time there. Terms are intense academically. But so is the fun. There are so many different activities on offer-sporting, dramatic, drinking. If there’s a club there’s an opportunity. Each college is different. Mine went to different colleges. And studied different subjects. Students should choose carefully. Subjects studied offer friendship opportunities outside of the chosen college. There’s lots of mixing. The college and tutorial system are very supportive. Socially there’s lots to do but academically it’s very intense. Mine loved it. One pursued a higher degree. Both went on to study for a career in law after their MA. They made lifelong friends and thoroughly enjoyed it all. Maybe not the exams!!

Similar position here. DD1 was encouraged to apply for Oxford and if I remember rightly attended some meetings at school for those applying for early entry.

She was never that keen. We went to an open day there and she did not like it at all. She is now in 3rd year at Edinburgh and couldn’t be happier.