DS in tears wanting to come home - so worried

[unistress]

I just don't know what to do for the best. He's at Oxford doing a humanity degree and in his first year. Home for Christmas full of how great it was - had positive feedback and couldn't wait to be back.

Since he got back he's said he doesn't like the new units he is doing and is struggling with the essays - it's one a week there, sometimes two. Last week he rang in the middle of the night the night before his essay was due saying he couldn't do it. However, he got it done, said feedback was 'fine' and was messaging excitedly about the optional modules for term 3 he's had to pick this week.

But tonight he rang again in a state. He has two essays due tomorrow - well, one was due this afternoon but is obviously late and the other was an extension from last week - so it's piling up. He says he has done loads of reading and he has a plan for both but they're 'shit,' and he can't write them. He started off saying he would do them overnight but then switched to saying he wanted to come home and he's dropping out. I have persuaded him to stay until the next holiday (4 weeks) as it seemed so sudden and rash. I told him to email the tutor, sleep tonight and see welfare tomorrow but after saying for a while he wanted to drop out he said he was going to do both overnight. I then offered to pick him up but he said no.

I'm so worried I've done the wrong thing and should have just collected him. It's 2 hours away. He says he is getting 4 hours sleep per night as that's the only way he can get all the reading done and it's not enough so he should drop out. He is prone to perfectionism and catastrophising but I don't know if this is more than that. I just don't know what to do.

Is there a pastoral person in the college?. A family member is one in an Oxford college she assists students in this situation all the time.

I think he needs to come home. Oxford is notorious for being a pressure cooker. It isn’t the uni for many A* across the board bright, high potential students because of this teaching method.

He will have had a lot of thoughts and attempts to call you before going through with calling you. In other words, what is sudden to you likely has been festering under the surface for months.

Bring him home. He has time to look to transfer to a different Uni that is just as good education wise without using the pressure cooker method of education.

i would suggest a weekend at home before the break if he wants to. Sometimes they just need familiar surroundings and their family. My daughter regularly says she’s going to drop out and I say well let’s talk about it and not make any rash decisions. And generally after a bit of TLC she’s willing to see it through.

I agree with @SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice - this will have been building for a while, and the really great thing is that he's still able to vocalise his feelings. I'd get him home and give him a chance to reset and have a chance to think without this huge pressure pushing down on him - either he'll decide that he was just having a bit of a moment and it isn't so bad, or he'll decide that there are other roads he can take that will bring him much happiness.

I don't think it has been building up for months - he was definitely loving it at Christmas and I am always his sounding board/emotional punchbag etc and would know if he was faking. So that's why I'm not sure him leaving at this point is the right thing. I have told him to speak to someone but he won't - says he knows what they will say, there's no point etc. It makes me feel so helpless. A weekend at home would be good - but he can't really unless he arranges it formally I don't think as the workload is relentless and his essays are due on Sunday afternoons.

Lots of first years at Oxford have been ‘streaks ahead’ of their peers throughout their school years and find themselves ‘mid pack’ when they arrive in Oxford. It’s takes some adjustment to realise that they can be mid pack and still be doing well. Give him a chance to work through this, it’s just about turning in their assignments and getting feedback.

if you swoop in and remove him he won’t get that experience.

DSS really struggled until he suddenly had a girl friend, went into enjoy his time there and came out with an entirely credible 2:1.

hold fast and give him a chance. If he still hates it by the summer then maybe it’s not for him. Good luck

DD graduated in humanities 2 years ago. This sounds horribly familiar. Your DS will have just had his collections, probably got his results back, and possibly feels that he's the only one not coping. Many others will be feeling just the same, but not not have had the courage to say anything.

DD didn't know what she didn't know. It took a number of sessions with her college welfare fellow to help her to learn how to manage the work load & how to write. She had to get some books from Blackwells on study skills too.

LMH runs some study support courses, along with the University welfare service. Please try to encourage your DS to get help.

it’s so difficult to know what to do in these kind of situations. But I think you need to make it clear to him that his mental health is more important than any uni course and that if he does decide to drop out you will support him all the way . And that you wouldn’t think any less of him. He will be very concerned about letting you down.

I agree that you don’t want him to give up if it’s just a temporary blip. And to encourage him to address things with his tutor . But you also need to give him”permission” to stop if it’s not suiting him .
Both my ds gave up on their first uni courses. It felt like a disaster to both them and me at the time. But they both returned to different courses - a bit more mature and after more serious consideration of what they really wanted to do. Both got great graduate jobs and are now happy and successful.

DD also managed to get a couple of "byes" for her essays as the constant deadlines were relentless. Her tutors allowed her to submit a plan for 1 or 2 weeks each term for discussion rather than a full blown essay to be ripped apart.

Thanks all. He is obsessed with the idea of getting a first, though I have told him til I am blue in the face not to get ahead of himself, it doesn't matter etc etc. I can't tell now whether he completely can't do the essays or just thinks they're not good enough - even if they're fine. He told me he looked at his 'college mother's' essay for the same unit last year but she hadn't included the skill he is trying to include based on last week's feedback and got a 2:1 last year so it was of no use.

I just wish he would agree to speak to someone but he is adamant there's no point. I have absolutely told him he can leave but I said doing it in a heightened, sleep-deprived state never having asked for help was not the best way and to wait for the holiday, but part of me just wants to get in the car now.

Go up meet him for a lunch. I'd never leave my son struggling. My friends son committed suicide in similar circumstances. Go. You've nothing to loose.

Just get in the car now if you can, and go and see a tutor with him tomorrow. I’d be surprised if they weren’t supportive, and they should have the experience to help work out if there is a fundamental mismatch between your DS and the course, or if this is just a blip. Good luck!

I can't easily go there - it's 2 hours away and I have work. More importantly, I have ds2 who is doing A level mocks. I have heard from ex-mil that ex (boys' dad) has been taken into hospital today - she had few details and I'm waiting to hear exactly what has happened. but basically, I can't leave ds2 and just be gone all day and I doubt anyone would see us if we just turned up? Or would they? god, I don't know what to do.

Why can't you leave ds2 for the day? He must be 17 or 18 years old? If you leave at 9, you could be there at 11, stay a couple of hours, leave at 1pm, home by 3?

Not going is a risk not worth taking. Even if there's no-one available to see you both, at least he'll have seen you and that might calm him.

I agree with this. Don’t put prestige before his mental health. He doesn’t sound suited to it, and that is absolutely not the end of the world.

Sorry to hear about their dad.

I would suggest you take a look at the college website. They will list the names of the welfare team so you can signpost him to pastoral or academic welfare teams, or at least have the names to hand.

In terms of stats, it's ridiculously hard to get a first in humanities at Oxford. Nobody in DD's cohort of 10 got one and he's a long, long way from his finals at this stage. His collections mean nothing and he only needs to pass his prelims, as they don't count towards his finals. Itsounds as though he has very high expectations of himself and his perfectionism is problematic.

I'm confused as to why you can't leave DS2 for a few hours. I'd go there. See DS1. Have a chat. Maybe chat to Welfare. See how the land lies. A 2 hour drive is nothing. My son was a 7 hour drive away.

Obviously you're worried about him, but if all is as he's told you he's not in danger. His uni won't speak to you anyway, so you can only work through him.

If you want him to feel it is ok for him to perhaps rethink then you need to be calm and empower him to think things through in his own way. Don't persuade him, try to listen instead.

Make a plan to visit him as soon as you can - when can you go to him and when can he come to you?

Could you plan to go and take him out for lunch next weekend? The thought of that might pick him up a bit.

I used to teach at Cambridge and was a DoS for a short while, and it is quite similar to Oxford in terms of the pressure, and I would say he isn't unusual in feeling as if the rug has been pulled from under him and he's worried.

It would be better if he could bring himself to ask for some support, for sure. But honestly, he will be fine if he misses the odd essay or does the odd essay that is sketchy or poor quality. He is putting too much pressure on himself.

Getting four hours sleep and thinking it's because he has to do the reading is a real problem. He needs proper sleep much more than he needs to read everything on the reading list. Does he understand that doing all the reading isn't usually mandatory? Has he talked to his tutor about structuring his reading?

I don’t know how it works but could you call his college and ask for a welfare check

Tell him he can drop out as soon as he’s found somewhere to transfer to that will take him for a course he wants to do in a location he wants to be in… if he knows coming home and lazing about on the sofa isn’t an option, he might suddenly just get on with it.

The essay writing is relentless at Oxford, twice as much as other unis. Is it worth him looking at transferring?

It is a very intense place to be (I went there). The pace is relentless but luckily only for 8 weeks at a time.

Ask him to speak to the college for support and he really won't be the only one. I got loads of free counselling to help me. The starting point for my course was so far ahead of my a levels it was overwhelming.

He really needs to speak to the college and soon as the anxiety will keep building until he can break the cycle.

I agree with pp saying try and get your son to contact the welfare team either at the college or uni.

I nearly quit my degree in the 1st year at Easter and Iooking back it would have been daft to do that without actually speaking to someone at the uni about the situation. I was at a RG uni, not oxford, but its easy to get things out of proportion. I did continue with it and was managed - somewhat by a squeak- to get a 2i .

Oxford uni tutor here. As other posters have said, it's not unusual to feel snowed under like this in your first year.

The key is communicating with tutors. He should email his tutors and let them know that he has two essays with the same deadline and he's struggling. It's perfectly fine to produce an essay plan for one tutorial (rather than a full essay) or even to miss one essay.

He shouldn't catastrophise; the pace of work is intense and it's easy to fall behind!

He should have a personal tutor. He should email them and just be honest about what's happening. They can liaise with his other tutors in order to help him.

Most (all?) colleges now have study skills tutors, who can help him with his essays; that might be a useful port of call as well.

All colleges have a welfare or wellbeing team he can get in touch with as well. Again, he can email his tutors and say he's having a tricky week, but is in touch with the welfare/wellbeing team. They won't bat an eyelid.

I can't emphasise enough how common this is for Oxford first years! He should be reassured in the knowledge that struggling to finish the odd essay won't have any impact on whether or not he ends up with a first!

The important thing is that he shouldn't try to handle all this on his own. He needs to make his tutors / personal tutor / college welfare team aware.

Oxford has great support for undergrads, but sometimes they're too shy or embarrassed to access it.