DS in tears wanting to come home - so worried

[unistress]

I just don't know what to do for the best. He's at Oxford doing a humanity degree and in his first year. Home for Christmas full of how great it was - had positive feedback and couldn't wait to be back.

Since he got back he's said he doesn't like the new units he is doing and is struggling with the essays - it's one a week there, sometimes two. Last week he rang in the middle of the night the night before his essay was due saying he couldn't do it. However, he got it done, said feedback was 'fine' and was messaging excitedly about the optional modules for term 3 he's had to pick this week.

But tonight he rang again in a state. He has two essays due tomorrow - well, one was due this afternoon but is obviously late and the other was an extension from last week - so it's piling up. He says he has done loads of reading and he has a plan for both but they're 'shit,' and he can't write them. He started off saying he would do them overnight but then switched to saying he wanted to come home and he's dropping out. I have persuaded him to stay until the next holiday (4 weeks) as it seemed so sudden and rash. I told him to email the tutor, sleep tonight and see welfare tomorrow but after saying for a while he wanted to drop out he said he was going to do both overnight. I then offered to pick him up but he said no.

I'm so worried I've done the wrong thing and should have just collected him. It's 2 hours away. He says he is getting 4 hours sleep per night as that's the only way he can get all the reading done and it's not enough so he should drop out. He is prone to perfectionism and catastrophising but I don't know if this is more than that. I just don't know what to do.

I'd have collected him before he put the phone down.

Two of mine have been through uni as well as several of their friends. It's really hard especially when they're away from home. I was lucky mine didn't stay in halls, they were at home so we could do the all nighters, the tears, the crises together. My friends kids who went into halls struggled, it's fine if everything is ok but it's the loneliest place in the world if their worried or up against a deadline.

The number of uni suicides in halls is terrifying.

Kids first, qualifications a distant second

It is ok and normal to struggle from time to time.
He has a new subject, new professor, different expectations. It is also ok and normal to ask for help. Is there any chance he can find a tutor for this subject, not so much for content, but studying techniques. A reading list doesn’t mean you have to read every single page of every single book.

Is there a study group? For big subjects, a study group will divide readings and share core content.
You don’t study uni the same way you studied at school. In attendance isn’t compulsory for some subjects and there is a paper due, it is ok to miss a class.

Also, it is ok to aim for a “ pass” grade for those nasty subjects everyone hates.

You know him much better than anybody else @unistress so if you think in the morning that you need to see him then for goodness sake do it. You need to make sure that he is asking for and (crucially) receiving support from the university. Yes first year is often hard and a time to develop new coping skills, but a few don’t and are in danger of falling through the safety net. Make sure that he has asked the right people for help if he needs it, and that they have responded.

Don’t fail your son by panicking with and for him.

Essay crisis = Normal. Useful, too, a good meltdown.

It should be his trigger to plan work better and learn to destress - no essay crisis is fun, but it should be part of a growth journey.

Ask for assistance.

And ask - do you want a life for DS where he learns and achieves and grows into happiness, or do you want a life for him sitting there crying. Me too.

A very few people don’t have the choice, DS does. Enable it and don’t add to his stress.

Absolutely this. How does it help if you either rush up there, or fetch him home, at the first sign of a bit of pressure? He's barely behind at all, he just needs to speak to his tutors and make a plan. If he's not willing to do so, then that's his choice and you have to accept that.

I actually think the Oxbridge approach is better than the experience my two had.

at Cambridge only the end of year exams count. You can submit no essays at all for the whole year and still come out with a first because you smashed the exams.

my dd went to Newcastke. She had work due every week - and it all counted towards her grade! It was a nightmare if anyone got I’ll because you couldn’t just email and say you were ill and not doing it, it do had to be done or you lost marks!
honestly compared to Cambridge the pressure was if anything more. She had so so many crises (and as a disabled student she had automatic extensions if needed - god only knows how the other students coped!)

Getting a degree from Oxford isn't all that its cracked up to be. My Son did an Astro Physics degree there, went on to do a Masters and Phd. He never struggled but some did....its extremely academic there (as you would imagine). A lot of his friends from there including himself are now unemployed. My daughter went elsewhere, but struggled and had to resit a year, her choice as she needed a break/gap.

That was one of my sons exactly. Anything other than a first was a failure for him in his eyes. He did get it along with an individual award but he drove himself so hard. Often he dictated his essay and if type. He's a kinesthetic learner and he learns best while he's moving and talking.

It was awful and horrible and there wasn't an answer because it was a first or nothing for him and a wasted 4 years in his head. I'm so glad he was living at home as I don't think he would have managed otherwise.

He's now in the top!% of earners just 4 years after graduating. I'm just glad he survived to be honest.

He is prone to perfectionism and catastrophising but I don't know if this is more than that. I just don't know what to do.

I worked at a uni for 7 years. If he's a perfectionist, who's now sleep deprived, distressed, struggling with insight, and frozen (can't write, doing even more reading), then I'd suggest he's in trouble.

As you probably know, you need to go an see him.

I'd agree with @openday and others that say what your son is feeling is normal. Everyone has essay crises several times a term. I certainly did as did both my DC - all Oxford. The question is how can we all learn to manage them and not let the perfect be the enemy of the good. For some that is harder than for others. If your DS can chat with his tutors that will help and all colleges have counsellors / pastoral support.

@unistress your son sounds like a lovely young man but is being hard on himself and it is normal to have wobbles.

Also it is worth remembering that degree class is based on finals where all exams are written under pressure (1hr per essay) and so are never perfect. Writing weekly essays that are good enough but not perfect under pressure is part of the training for this rather archaic means of assessment and the only university where the only marks that count are from 6-10 exams in the last ten days of Uni. Well at least in the humanities - some of the sciences have moved on even at Oxford!

Mostly I copped with the pressure but remember having a bit of a melt down a month before finals convinced I would only get a 2.2 (in the days when firsts were like hen's teeth) My tutor sent me home for the weekend to climb a few mountains. Worked and I headed back to Oxford and ended up with a v good 2.1.

So not always against going home for a break but only after seeking support first from staff in Oxford who can judge better than you can. Sleep deprivation does affect judgement.

My nephew initially struggled as an Oxbridge student. As others have said he found the intellectual challenge of not automatically being the one with all the answers very difficult. It got better as he made friendships and realised that others had the same doubts and anxieties. I think it is important to find activities removed from academic study , not only for friendships but as a release from thinking that everything is about intellect.

I hope your lad is able to get over this blip OP, it does sound as though he has got overwhelmed with work, but he could also be feeling tired, depressed and SAD by the grim weather and no sunshine, or unwell, or a combination of all of the above. I hope you get to the bottom of it.

I went to Oxford. It’s tough, it’s hard and I
never saw a high mark again.
After first year collections my college subject group all got marks in the teens!
He is there, he is perfectly capable but I think he needs to dial down his expectations. A first at Oxford is tough, very tough. Remember that all the students were the best in their class. It takes something else to be the best of the best. A 2:1 is still brilliant.
Essay-crisis, all nighters, ‘mare and shockers were common words from my Oxford days.
Look at the % of first on his subject. I am thinking it’s not high.

I don't know if he is only getting 4 hours sleep literally every night. He is doing things socially - in two clubs and told me yesterday was an all-day event for one of them which is partly why he's behind now. I just need to get through to him to try and change his mindset on things and stop pushing himself to such a ridiculous extent. I dreaded something like this happening and knew it was likely with him used to being the cleverest in the room having gone to a very average comp. I think we got lulled into a false sense of security when last term went so well and he had a notoriously tough tutor who he seemed to really gel with and got some great feedback from.

I'll see what he says tomorrow and consider going this week for a proper talk.

OP I didn't go to Oxford but I work with students who do. It is 5th week. That is notorious for feeling like this, halfway through the term, work piling up, pressure feels unrelenting at this point. Sometimes just telling people it is '5th week blues' - which is a known phenomenon - helps. A visit and a cuppa helps too, and yes definitely keep an eye on him. The academic office can help but I understand why students find it difficult to admit they are struggling.

I don't understand why you not there with him already.

I went to ‘the other place’ reading humanities, several decades ago. As @Octavia64 mentions, the essay load was high (2 per week) however in my college cohort often people didn’t complete all the essays. Your loss. Learning was very much self directed.

unless there are genuine concerns for safety, I’d also second urging him to stay. Oxbridge is 8 week terms. You can’t afford to be missing a weekend or weeks. What he could also
do is look to stay on longer over Easter to catch up a bit and settle himself. Also as others have said, he needs to shout out to his subject and personal tutors. Also, what about others on his course? Does he mix with them at all? Are they supportive and honest about their own essay crises? I was often amazed at how casual my peers were when it came to work.

If you don’t mind my asking, is your son first generation uni? I was and was a bit naive to be honest re: study tips, how to research
etc. Definitely ask for help. Hopefully this is just a blip. Maybe like the old song ‘Camp Granada’, the rain will stop and you can ‘kindly disregard this letter’.

I definitely remember feeling this way when I was at Cambridge and would echo posters that he can reach out. There was certainly plenty of support when I was there 20 years ago and I’m sure it’s not changed. I found my college nurse to be a wonderful source of support and also the chaplain (despite not being religious at all). I also agree with others about the benefit of hobbies/societies. I enjoyed my time much more once I threw myself into one of the drama societies and I found that the quality of my work improved as I got busier with other things. It’s also fine to skip things here and there. I didn’t write any essays for a month in my second year because I had a bad break up and none of my tutors were particularly bothered by the lack of work.

Actually tomorrow is the start of 4th week but all your points still stand 😂

Good advice.

The short Oxbridge terms are very hard on the students and the workload is ridiculous. It can really suck the joy out of the subject.

I would personally be concerned about 4 hours sleep a night. If he's doing that on a constant basis, that could be damaging physically and mentally. He might need some help in structuring his day so the stuff he does is useful or enjoyable, but not pointless (Says me on mumsnet whne I should be on my kindle in bed. Case in point)

PP advice about welfare check is also useful. You could also contact the college chaplain directly if you ever feel your son is in crisis. In a dire emergency: porter's lodge.

I don’t think this is the correct advice.
The young man is obviously ambitious.If his Mum persuades him to come home , what’s he going to think in a few weeks once he’s better?
Surely, there’s a good chance he will blame her for ruining his opportunity to gain a prestigious degree?

Ah! the fabled 5th week is coming. I used to send mine off each term with a week 5 box, full of goodies and beauty stuff.

Oxbridge: poisoned chalice.

Oh gosh @unistress if your DS is from a state school, then his achievement is all the more impressive.

In my experience (though there are always exceptions), students from independent schools often feel more comfortable contacting their tutors if they haven't managed to get an essay done. State school students are sometimes more reluctant. I'm sure your DS will flourish if he relaxes a bit and realises that the tutors really are on his side and want to help him get through. His excellent track record last term will stand him in good stead and make the tutors even more sympathetic (not that they wouldn't be sympathetic anyway).

It's good that he's doing extracurricular stuff, but it can be hard to get the balance right. His mental health is always the first priority.

I hope he wakes up feeling better tomorrow!

Agreed. I’m amazed that Oxford and Cambridge aren’t rethinking their brutal work load. Education is supposed to be enjoyable and stimulating, not make students feel suicidal. And for this they’re paying £9K/year?

My dd was rejected from Oxford 4 years ago. After initially being bitterly disappointed she had a fantastic time at Bristol (3 essays/term there) and felt relieved when she saw the workload of her Oxbridge peers. She had time for extra curruiculars, socialising and relaxing.

I know Oxbridge have to be different from other unis plus the terms are short and intense, but with the current mental health crisis among young people there must be a way of providing an outstanding education without the extreme stress.

I’m very familiar with the essay crisis but this sounds like a bit more than a standard essay crisis.

An essay crisis is “shit I’ve spent all week in bed/the bar/doomscrolling instead of working and now my essay is due tomorrow, better stay up all night”.

Your DS sounds like he’s in more of a perfectionist existential crisis where he isn’t just trying to cobble something together to hand in, like most students, instead he’s determined it has to be perfect. And his whole degree path and performance has to be perfect (even though only Finals count towards the degree class). That attitude is bluntly going to lead to burn out at some point.

He really does need to talk to someone who can explain to him that aiming for perfection every week isn’t needed or expected and less than perfection/a First isn’t a waste of time. I’m glad to hear the student resources are much better than they used to be (personal tutor etc) - I hope you can persuade him to see them.

Actually IME what tutors really like is an essay expressing a strong view which the student is willing to back up and argue about, rather than anything perfectly crafted.

I remember the few people there who were clearly aiming for a First - and they didn’t appear to enjoy their time there much tbh. Meanwhile most of us focused on our social lives and love lives and fitted work in around the edges (yes often the night before the deadline). Some of that lot still got a First, without really expecting it. It’s not a predictable thing.

God is it? Luckily my job does not depend on knowing which week it is 😂