DS in tears wanting to come home - so worried

[unistress]

I just don't know what to do for the best. He's at Oxford doing a humanity degree and in his first year. Home for Christmas full of how great it was - had positive feedback and couldn't wait to be back.

Since he got back he's said he doesn't like the new units he is doing and is struggling with the essays - it's one a week there, sometimes two. Last week he rang in the middle of the night the night before his essay was due saying he couldn't do it. However, he got it done, said feedback was 'fine' and was messaging excitedly about the optional modules for term 3 he's had to pick this week.

But tonight he rang again in a state. He has two essays due tomorrow - well, one was due this afternoon but is obviously late and the other was an extension from last week - so it's piling up. He says he has done loads of reading and he has a plan for both but they're 'shit,' and he can't write them. He started off saying he would do them overnight but then switched to saying he wanted to come home and he's dropping out. I have persuaded him to stay until the next holiday (4 weeks) as it seemed so sudden and rash. I told him to email the tutor, sleep tonight and see welfare tomorrow but after saying for a while he wanted to drop out he said he was going to do both overnight. I then offered to pick him up but he said no.

I'm so worried I've done the wrong thing and should have just collected him. It's 2 hours away. He says he is getting 4 hours sleep per night as that's the only way he can get all the reading done and it's not enough so he should drop out. He is prone to perfectionism and catastrophising but I don't know if this is more than that. I just don't know what to do.

If he has decided for now to stick with it, I wouldn't do or say anything to undermine that. He won't want any voice amplifying his distress and doubts about the course.

If he does decide to come home, you can be there for him, non-judgemental and supportive, of course. But that would be very different from nudging him towards a decision to give up that he might very well regret

Mid-term is a notoriously hard time. When I was there decades ago we had the term '5th week blues' for that horrible burnt-out despair. The very best thing would be if he could stick it out until the next vacation, pat himself on the back for that difficult achievement , and then think in a less pressured way about his future

Btw I think that sometimes male undergrads are more reluctant to ask for help than women undergrads. But he needs to move away from his 'all or nothing' mentality. Honestly, tutors are very accustomed to seeing clever, gifted students fall behind due to the intense work pace. If he's struggling, it doesn't mean he shouldn't be at Oxford. He needs to cut himself some slack. His tutors will help!

I've had two first years in tears in my office this week!

They're both fantastic students and just needed a handhold, plus the reassurance that it's OK not to meet every single deadline.

Thanks everyone so much - @openday I might show him that if I do go and see him. He's messaged a few times and is back in the library for some reason - he usually writes the essays in his room so I think is doing more research when really I think he should accept these essays aren't going to be the best he's written and he should get some sleep and start afresh on the next ones in a day or two. I've said I'll go and see him tomorrow after work, which is also after his tutorial but he says no. I daren't go sleep as I have a horrible feeling I'll get another middle of the night call tonight but if I do I will go down there I think.

Hiya. So here’s my pep talk, based on first hand experience…

He needs to loosen up. Submitting perfect weekly assignments is a sure fire way to getting overwhelmed and behind. Weekly essays don’t need to be perfect. Some can be better than others, there’s always another one next week. Just get it done and move on. (Obviously with attention paid differently to those which are actually assessed).

The best piece of advice I’ve ever been given is to accept that sometimes giving only 70-80% of myself on a piece of work is 1) all that’s necessary and 2) smart working.

Oxford humanities in first year is about consuming material at fast pace and being able to comment intelligently on them. It’s not about creating ground breaking work.

Many others will be feeling overwhelmed. Your son should consider sharpening his study skills to work smarter rather than work harder or longer.

And lastly - Oxford is hard. It’s meant to be. He will get through it - this is just the shit part of a learning curve.

Best of luck.

It's really difficult, I had similar with my DD. You don't know whether to tell them to tough it out, or wrap them in a blanket and bring them home. It sounds like he's not really ready to give up yet, just overwhelmed, it is a lot of work, but many students will be falling behind and really not bothered. If he's willing to stay encourage him too, maybe go up at the weekend and have a proper chat. And tell him to talk to his tutors and student welfare.

@unistress he's putting a lot of pressure on himself! I don't think you do need to go see him (unless he really wants you to). He just needs to realise that there are a lot of people in college available to help him, and that everything is going to be OK.

One good thing about Oxford is that there's no formal cumulative assessment. In other words, he can miss an essay and it won't have any effect on his final year mark. He just needs to stay on top of the material enough so that he can pass Prelims. Prelims are either 'pass' or 'distinction', but this honestly doesn't matter much either in the grand scheme of things. I've had students get a pass on Prelims (rather than a distinction) and then go on to get a First on their finals.

He should be kind to himself and just focus on surviving this difficult patch. He's lucky to have a mum as caring as you.

Students who get into Oxford tend to be very passionate and motivated about their studies, but honestly, perfection is not required at every stage of the game. He can relax and let himself 'fail' a bit. He will be fine!

I went to Cambridge.

this is so common it even has a name - essay crisis.

usually used in the following ways;

no I can’t come out clubbing tonight I have an essay crisis and need to write two essays overnight and I haven’t done any reading for them

totally a thing and most of the students if Oxford is anything like Cambridge when I was there will have at least one essay crisis per month.

of course, usually once you have written the bloody thing you are on top of the world, text all your mates that you smashed it and are on your way to a glittering career in academia and are full of confidence until the next essay crisis.

this is in no way a “collect this person from uni and put him on suicide watch” situation unless there are other things going on.

after a while he’ll get the hang of the process - you get told to write an essay on something you know nothing about at the start of the week, spend sometime speed reading a few books and then bullshit your way through it.

the essay doesn’t need to be good it just needs to be done (and ideally defensible in supervision but hey that’s a stretch objective!). And if he did a perfect essay what on earth would they talk about in the supervision?

You must prioritise your son , get to Oxford asap. Surely you can take a day off work and your youngest son can survive without you for a day !
Encourage him to contact his tutor in his college, most are good.

DD came home in Feb of her first year and never returned.

She went back to year 2 in September, even when she wasn't sure she could. She's thriving now. She's finally used to uni life.

Year 1 is hard. Hopefully they'll have got it by year 2.

I agree with those who have said it’s quite a normal thing. The novelty has worn off and he’s adjusting into the work, and he’s not in the flow of it yet and still in the mindset that every weekly essay needs to be his best work. I suspect once the first few are done, he talks to his peers and tutor etc, he’ll start to figure out what an appropriate amount of attention is to give them, but it sounds to me like it’s more of a knee-jerk response to being out of his comfort zone, and a test to his perfectionism, and not a ‘I really want to leave’ thing. He just is struggling with the adjustment.

Could you contact the welfare team and ask them just to keep an eye on him, not necessarily intervening as he may not want that, but so his own tutor is aware and they might be able to gently guide his thinking around the workload if he’s unwilling to approach them himself. But I would be encouraging him to talk to them himself in the first instance, even just via an email.

I would second this. My son wanted to drop out halfway through Uni. I persuaded him to stay and I regret it bitterly now . His mental health never recovered .

@Octavia64 💯.

OP, there's a lot of posters on here saying you absolutely need to collect him, go asap, etc etc. But honestly, what you’re describing is completely normal to the Oxbridge experience… It’s really really intense and in your original post you’ve already described how excited and happy he is when he’s not in essay crisis. As soon as he gets this submitted he’ll may be feeling great again. It’s part of the rollercoaster fun of being a highly wired clever clogs who likes learning and smashing pieces of work…

Your lad needs to come home. Tell him to get on the train first thing in the morning,

Poor chap, he sounds as if he's got into a horrible spiral of anxiety, emerging now and then to realise how great it can be being at uni. He needs a bit of support from the pastoral care person and/or his tutor and maybe some CBT to deal with his intense need to get a first. I hope he doesn't leave.

Op - from what you have said he sounds like my dd. We had a fair few midnight phone calls when she was in her first year. She too is a perfectionist and turns little things into a catastrophe.
He needs to tell someone at uni is struggling. He could probably do with a visits from mum too. Take him his favourite food. I wouldn’t be so rash to move university just yet. Dd eventually settled and everything was fine in the end.
Wishing you all the best. I totally get how stressful this is.

Sorry to hear this OP - it is very hard work and relentless in the first year

Does your ds have a college mum and or dad?

Gosh. So many people saying you need to go see him or he needs to come home.

I don't want to minimise his stress, but Oxford colleges and tutors are trained to deal with this kind of situation. We see it every year, year on year. We would never stop a student from accessing family help if they need it, but if he can be persuaded to access it, the college help is there! We see ourselves as the first port of call.

In that case why is there no attempt to change the system?

You know your child better than all the scaremongerers telling you to drop everything and go to him. Another first year Oxford parent here and yes it’s a brutal regime compared to other unis and it sounds like what your son is experiencing is both common and something all colleges can support him with. Definitely don’t encourage him to leave if this is his first blip. As others have said, he may feel totally differently by tomorrow when he’s either had some sleep or pulled an all nighter and completed the work!

He's messaged a few times and is back in the library for some reason - he usually writes the essays in his room so I think is doing more research....

You can always do more research. But at some point you have to call a halt and just write the damn essay because otherwise you'll never get anything done.

I did a Ph.D. Even at that level, there is always still more research to do, but you have to know when to stop.

I'm semi-retired now and research for pleasure, and there is still no end to it!

And I agree, he should contact his personal tutor, or whoever is the appropriate person, for guidance. Universities don't want students to drop out if a bit of support is all that's needed to get them over a rough patch.

Honestly I think everyone at Oxbridge was happier in the 90's when academics didn't have to pretend to have the slightest interest in undergrads and the feeling was mutual.

Joking aside, he just needs to write any old shit and turn it in. Don't let perfection be the enemy of getting stuff done and all that (v good lesson for life) . I doubt his supervisor will give it a second thought.

From: someone whose 1st year supervisor told her that her essay was the worst he'd ever read from a Cambridge student. I went on to get a 2:1 and lead a happy and productive life, so don't sweat it.

I'm not sure it's necessarily the system that's at fault. I have a DC at a non-Oxbridge uni and I've had to hold their hand through a number of crises.

Maybe the issue is not so much the system (though the workload is intense) as the perception on the part of students that if you're not producing stellar work all the time, you're not doing well. In fact the tutorial system is designed to let students experiment, without worrying too much about marks. However, given how hard students normally work to get into Oxbridge, it's hard for them to let go of the idea that they must be producing top work every single week. Their tutors are not expecting this of them, but they sometimes impose this expectation on themselves.

Hope that helps in terms of understanding the Oxbridge system.

Sounds very tough.
I reckon he’s putting too much pressure on himself, if he was fine at Christmas he probably can keep up it’s just a key pinch point right now. There’s no point stressing about a first IMO. A second class degree from Oxbridge is just fantastic.

he needs to have very honest chats with his tutors and probably a visit from you too. Is he alright there socially?

hopefully he works it out. I know lots who went to Oxbridge, dh included and having heard their stories it sounds crazy intense though only 8 weeks at a time. No way could I have coped. Dh got through it but def had some very stressful periods.

He should just go to his tute and say he hasn’t done it and why. Honestly, it’s not a big deal- the thing about weekly essays is they don’t actually count for anything. Yes it’s mildly embarrassing but I suspect the majority of students have it at some point (I had it many times).

Freaking out and planning to leave is completely disproportionate. It’s great that he can talk to you but you need to talk him down, not agree that it’s a catastrophe.