DS in tears wanting to come home - so worried

[unistress]

I just don't know what to do for the best. He's at Oxford doing a humanity degree and in his first year. Home for Christmas full of how great it was - had positive feedback and couldn't wait to be back.

Since he got back he's said he doesn't like the new units he is doing and is struggling with the essays - it's one a week there, sometimes two. Last week he rang in the middle of the night the night before his essay was due saying he couldn't do it. However, he got it done, said feedback was 'fine' and was messaging excitedly about the optional modules for term 3 he's had to pick this week.

But tonight he rang again in a state. He has two essays due tomorrow - well, one was due this afternoon but is obviously late and the other was an extension from last week - so it's piling up. He says he has done loads of reading and he has a plan for both but they're 'shit,' and he can't write them. He started off saying he would do them overnight but then switched to saying he wanted to come home and he's dropping out. I have persuaded him to stay until the next holiday (4 weeks) as it seemed so sudden and rash. I told him to email the tutor, sleep tonight and see welfare tomorrow but after saying for a while he wanted to drop out he said he was going to do both overnight. I then offered to pick him up but he said no.

I'm so worried I've done the wrong thing and should have just collected him. It's 2 hours away. He says he is getting 4 hours sleep per night as that's the only way he can get all the reading done and it's not enough so he should drop out. He is prone to perfectionism and catastrophising but I don't know if this is more than that. I just don't know what to do.

I'm sure @openday is right ... but also, surely, at age 18 or 19, this is fairly normal anyway? A proportion of young adults will have a panic about being out in the big wide world whatever they're doing. I have worked with very bright Cambridge undergrads who panicked and I have also worked with young lads who had minimal qualifications and were doing apprenticeships, and a bit of a panic is totally normal.

I am not sure anyone ought to be bending over backwards to change 'the system' (aka, the adult world) entirely because of young adults have what sound like upsetting, but quite understandable, difficulties in the early stages.

I hope he's just fine, OP. You sound lovely and so does he.

I got myself into a complete freak out during my second term at Oxford, just before my first year mods. I went to one of my tutors (not a particularly sympathetic one, but the only one available at 9 p.m. because he lived on site) in a panic and he told me I was great, I would be fine, I should go to the bar and relax. I didn't actually go to the bar, but the reassurance was perfect.

I agree with previous posters who have said that missing one or two essays, or doing a (much) less than perfect job is not a problem at all. The important thing is keeping the line of communication open with the tutors. It is a tough, tough schedule and learning that "good enough" is good enough is often hard for perfectionists who have always been the best at school.

Only you can know whether you need to go to your son, OP, I don't think anyone on here should be making the call for you. But I would definitely talk to him about on-site sources of support, because they will understand exactly what he's going through and will have seen it all before. I hope he's OK.

I went to one of the very good RG uni's so not Oxford but still quite high pressure. My family pressured my to get a first and in my first essays of course I didn't and I crumbled because of it. I tried to leave but was encouraged to stay so I did, took the pressure off myself and just tried to make sure I came out with a degree. Which I did. I had a fairly miserable few years because I struggled socially there as well but I'd definitely try to talk to him more about that it's not a big deal whether he gets a first or not, he's done so well to get to Oxford. I didn't get a first, went on to do a masters and I'm in my chosen career. I definitely encourage him to speak to the student welfare, his tutors and try to make sure he's got outside of academic activities so he can socialise and get a bit more balance in. I also found coming home every other weekend helped a lot. There are also plenty of other uni's out there, and a first from Oxbridge is not everything in life. Uni can be a very lonely place, just try to make sure your son know's that he has your support.

Having had a DS drop out a few years ago from uni, not Oxford but he started to fall behind etc etc.
Practically, he needs to speak to his personal tutor /welfare in case he can miss these essays out and stop everything increasing in his mind
Get him to give permission for you to speak to his tutors, then you've got a full picture of what's happening and not just his stressed out version of what's happening, the tutors etc can't help if they don't know what's happening, he needs to talk or ask you to help him open up the conversation. If you can't go and see him in person, set up a virtual meeting with his tutor and yourself.
You only need to seriously consider withdrawing if things are worse than he's said (my ds hadn't given in any work from September - nearly Easter so the gulf was becoming too wide to recover)
Find out what he really wants to do and get the right support in place.

Great post – I don't have exp of Oxford but I do know a bit about how unis support struggling students and this is spot on.

Yes if he doesn't do a good essay the world will not end and in fact it won't affect his degree class in his first year. He can learn from it and move on. If he takes advantage of all that @openday mentions that will be helpful.

I was also struck by the four hours’ sleep a night. Yes Oxford is intense for the short terms, but that's over the top. Does he mean he is working all the rest of the time? So say 18 hours a day of seminars, lectures, reading and notetaking? No way does his course expect that. He needs to look at how he is working and work smarter. He is not supposed to read everything on the list. I am sure his PT will have advice as to how much time he should spend on reading for each essay. Four hours sleep a night is not sustainable so I am sure Ox does not ask this. I would also agree that it is totally feasible for you to go and see him (DS2 and his mocks will be fine without you) – but make sure he would be happy with seeing you and would view it as a positive.

All the best to him OP.

(edited for typos)

It’s fun.

when you are not actually experiencing an essay crisis.

more seriously, the Oxbridge experience is something else. Most people who go are the kind of people who are both natural sponges and love learning. Schools for these people are enjoyable places but quite slow placed.

I personally found a levels not challenging so I did a couple more at night school and sat the steps and a levels in anything I could find.

cambridge gave me free access to a shedload of intellectual resources that schools just do not have and also set a pace that bluntly was actually more appropriate for me, and most of the other people who were there.

if you are at Cambridge you can audit modules from other courses as well and I picked up some German and also some stats courses that were above and beyond my degree (economics).

but it’s completely normal to have the occasional crisis of confidence which is basically what an essay crisis is. In general (unless you’ve been ill of had other stuff going on) the essays are manageable. It’s just that you are used to turning out stuff that is basically perfect because you are used to the slow pace of school where you get (relative) ages to do it.

Make sure that you keep talking to him and that for most of the conversation you listen

Try and figure out if he actually only gets 4 hrs sleep or if that is exaggeration

if he is sleeping that little and feels like the pressure is getting to him, maybe he needs to take a few sick days to come and sleep at home as that is not sustainable

also make sure that every time he calls you tell him he did the right thing in calling you, and that if things are worse you will come and get him

(am a bit of an expert 😔 with both my kids dropping out of uni, one with very severe mental health issues fwiw, but both doing really well now in other fields… Uni is not for everyone and my super bright A star child was the one who really struggled and we had to let all that expectation that he put on himself go, let it all go) . Hope your boy is ok and keep talking to him every day xx

I agree with @openday and others — this is pretty much a rite of passage for Oxford first years. Tell him that, and everything else @openday says. I was literally walking round and round my college’s cloister praying for death in hysteria about an essay.

( still got a first. After I calmed the hell down.)

Aiming for a First is all well and good but a 2.1 from Oxford isn’t going to hold anyone back is it?I have a First, admittedly not from Oxford, and regret the hours in the library during the prime of my life. I could have coasted to a 2.1 and probably would have still ended up in the career I have.

I think the other people who mention things like essay- panic might be onto something

hope it is just that 😊🤞

I agree.

I studied at King's London and had friend at Oxford both of us reading chemistry. She had a few more essays but esp tough number of words to hit. EG We had a 2,000 word essay on broad topic she had 4,000 word essay on very narrow topic.

King's was/is an excellent uni, the course was tough but I would have hated to be at Oxford and honestly the uni you got your degree from is no longer hugely important - yes best to be from a traditional uni, but otherwise it's not important esp if, like me, you then went and did a research masters or, like some of my friends, a PhD.

Please help your DS. If he's like this in year one, he will be 100 x worse in year 2 and worse again in year 3.

It's no wonder Oxford and Cambridge issued master's degrees alongside bachelors up until the 80's. I always felt the student deserved the masters because of the research they had to do.

They do a lot to prevent students dropping out, he needs to speak to his tutor at least or to student support services. It's way too soon to pull him away from something he really wants to do.

Most ppl have stress tears when at uni over deadlines and workload. Absolutely normal. He needs to learn to work through it and to communicate with his tutor.

My son is in the 1st year at Oxford, also finding the essay writing tough, is considering switching. I wish you son well op xx

This!
My DD had very similar crises (also Cam not Oxford but similarly intense) and I was very worried that it was all too much for her and had been a mistake more than once.

DD had multiple essay deadline extensions and her first year marks had no bearing whatsoever on her final degree. She ended up with a starred first and Top Tripos in a humanities subject and now looks back on her crazy work hard/play hard time there as the best three years of her life. So your DS definitely does not need to worry that he has ruined his chances of a good final degree class.

One thing she found very important was to have an interest outside her academic work. It might seem impossible to fit in but most students do manage and it is so good for their mental health.

I used to visit once a term for lunch but visits home during term time were not really feasible. I hope he finds the support he needs to get through this difficult phase and enjoy his time at Oxford.

Can you remind him that the rather rigorous training he is experiencing is in how to complete work regardless of how ready he feels. He needs to limit his reading time, then plan his essays and write them. They don’t have to be masterpieces. They don’t count towards his final grade. He needs to think of them as more like a product on a conveyor belt in a factory. His job is to be the most efficient factory he can be, not to create the most high spec artisan product he can produce. If he can try this approach for the next few weeks then reflect on what he has gained and lost then he might surprise himself. His essays probably won’t receive lower grades. They might even improve. They will also stand him in good stead for writing well in an exam setting.

My DN had a bit of a breakdown at uni. Couldn't cope with the pressure so he dropped the subject he was struggling the most with. Would it be possible for him to do that?

It can't be underestimated how awful first year can be, I went from being top 10 in my year at A level to feeling like a very slow witted and dumb first year. It seemed like everyone was smarter than me and finding it much easier.

I had a "if I try hard enough I can achieve anything" attitude but had to learn to accept that I just wasn't getting it. Some modules were better than others.

He has my highest sympathy because we rarely talk about how hard university can be, and then even we do, young people get called snowflakes.

University was one of the toughest periods of my life, I'm glad I went and I did well enough but it was damn hard. It's not all parties and "mickey mouse degrees".

Ah sorry @unistress I took so long to write my post the thread updated hugely.

I see you say he said no to a visit. I would suggest you need to stick to that – but make it clear that you are happy to visit if needed.

I agree with others tbh about this is Oxford (and other unis too tbf). It is also as @onetrickrockingpony says about working smarter – there is an infinite amount of work you could do but in practical terms what do you need to do?

And actually that is a valuable life lesson. A slightly random eg:
Me making a ppt to teach my class about describing ppl in French. DS2 comes in – "You could find a much better picture of xxx celeb" – yes I could, but d'you know what? I have spent 20 mins on this and it will occupy 5 mins of my lesson, so while it could be better, as it stands it is fine.

Sometimes "this is good enough" is actually what you need.

This is exactly right. I wonder how many of the PPs have any idea about Oxford. It’s clearly ridiculous to suggest you must drop everything and fetch him. Oxford is full on, and as you say your DS is a perfectionist, which isn’t helping. If his college mother’s 2:1 in Mods makes her a hopeless underachiever, it’s obvious he’s being unrealistic.
Essays don’t need to be perfect. He certainly doesn’t need to read the whole reading list. He needs to work smarter, and sometimes that means handing in a half-arsed attempt at an essay. Please don’t take the more overdramatic PPs too seriously.

I think they still do give out the discretionary masters- at least they do at Cambridge. I was always torn about whether to use it because if you do it feels a bit fraudulent but if you don’t and someone knows the system they might assume you did something terrible after graduating which means it wasn’t awarded ( it’s conditional on you not committing any criminal acts etc)

This does sound totally normal for first year Oxbridge, and unfortunately you bear the brunt of the hysteria on the end of the phone. It takes a while for them to learn that you just don’t have time to turn in perfect essays every time, and sometimes good enough or below par is fine because that’s all that’s possible in the time available.

My DD graduated a few years ago and is working now. She was just saying last week that although it was such a slog at the time, it has set her up really well for work: she’s really good at prioritising and she doesn’t procrastinate!

It’s always hard to hear our children unhappy, but unless this despair continues for weeks, treat it as a blip that will pass and not a crisis. We all have times in life when we’ve taken on too much and have to learn to manage the stress and find a way out. Encourage him to be honest with his tutors and ask for support.

I dropped out of Oxford around this time 1st year. Stopped sleeping properly and functioning.
I wish we’d reached out for more help at the time, there’s more pastoral support and people struggling there than you assume at that age.
keep talking to him and encourage him to reach out to tutors. If it’s not for him don’t make that out to be horrifying but explore all the support first however that looks.

I agree with this, OP, I was exactly the same. I didn't go to Oxbridge, and I am aware that teaching methods there are very different to my RG unis, but I am someone who has done two masters degrees alongside a very punishing career in which objectively I have excelled. I got so obsessed with the idea that I needed to ace every single piece of work that I ended up in a state of total paralysis which generally broke about 14 hours before the essay was due at which point I made a gallon of strong coffee and wrote all night. I was also someone who often found herself in a massive deadline pile-up a lot of the time. And yes, I used to ring my mum and freak out down the phone to her all the time about essay stress and I would have sounded a lot like your son did to you. But I survived and being able to blurt it all out like that to my mum was part of the reason why I did. I think it is quite likely that he phoned you, splurged it all out in a massive cloud of terror and is now finding that actually he can write the essays after all.

Thirty plus years ago you just got told to pull yourself together and get on with it so that's what my mum (with very good intentions) said and that's what I did. I don't actually think this is really the answer - my perfectionism has caused me a lot of unnecessary angst and stress over the years, though you could argue it's helped me get where I am as well, to be fair. But I also don't think it's a choice between that and running away. There's a middle path, regardless of how these essays go or if he gets them in, that involves your son finding healthier ways to plan and work and being helped to let go of his perfectionism a bit so that he doesn't get himself to this point. That's where I'd point him if I were you.

Remind him that it’s fist year and a shit essay is better than no essay and dropping out. They don’t have to be perfect! He’s there to learn not to already be great at the subject.

He’s meant to make mistakes in his essays. He’s meant to get a few shit grades, that’s the whole point as it will make him grow BETTER. So he should submit crappy essays if that’s all he feels he can get done. No big deal.