DS in tears wanting to come home - so worried

[unistress]

I just don't know what to do for the best. He's at Oxford doing a humanity degree and in his first year. Home for Christmas full of how great it was - had positive feedback and couldn't wait to be back.

Since he got back he's said he doesn't like the new units he is doing and is struggling with the essays - it's one a week there, sometimes two. Last week he rang in the middle of the night the night before his essay was due saying he couldn't do it. However, he got it done, said feedback was 'fine' and was messaging excitedly about the optional modules for term 3 he's had to pick this week.

But tonight he rang again in a state. He has two essays due tomorrow - well, one was due this afternoon but is obviously late and the other was an extension from last week - so it's piling up. He says he has done loads of reading and he has a plan for both but they're 'shit,' and he can't write them. He started off saying he would do them overnight but then switched to saying he wanted to come home and he's dropping out. I have persuaded him to stay until the next holiday (4 weeks) as it seemed so sudden and rash. I told him to email the tutor, sleep tonight and see welfare tomorrow but after saying for a while he wanted to drop out he said he was going to do both overnight. I then offered to pick him up but he said no.

I'm so worried I've done the wrong thing and should have just collected him. It's 2 hours away. He says he is getting 4 hours sleep per night as that's the only way he can get all the reading done and it's not enough so he should drop out. He is prone to perfectionism and catastrophising but I don't know if this is more than that. I just don't know what to do.

Essay crises where you stay up until the wee hours with a large bottle of coke and packet of biscuits were quite common in my day. Also, it’s worth noting essays for tutes don’t actually matter. One of my friends wrote a 400 word essay on the back of an old letter when I was there. It feels like he needs a couple of days at home to get some perspective and pick up some resilience tips.

I wasn’t at Oxford but I was having the best time until I saw my parents in December not long before Christmas. After that I was miserable for the rest of the term and most of the following one. I was homesick and was working two jobs plus doing all my uni work. It was cold and dark and miserable with no Christmas excitement and the next lot of holidays seemed miles away. The novelty of chiosing what to eat and cooking had worn off and I just wanted to be looked after and cosseted. This was 22 years ago and I still remember the feelings viscerally - it was horrible! I’m so glad I stuck it out though. As the weather picked up again so did my spirits to the point where I didn’t go home for the first part of Easter.

This. If it’s taking him afes to read books he needs to lesrn the skill of speed reading. After 3 yrs History at Oxford I coukdn’t read a book(novel) properly as I just filleted it for the core plot in an hour.

It's really not that brutal, though. It's just different. As others have said, at some universities you face the pressure of knowing that almost every assignment will count towards your final grade. Some people hate that. I remember when I went from teaching at Cambridge to teaching at a Russell Group, students who were diligent and intelligent were much more rusty on essay skills, because they simply didn't write as many essays. It's like a muscle - you get used to using it.

It is tough when you're at the stage the OP's son is at, and you've only just started, and you are not quite sure how to find the balance between reading enough, and planning enough, and getting the bloody thing handed in on time. But then, most people learn. And some of that learning process involves deciding not to be too perfectionist.

(Btw, Oxford and Cambridge patently do think hard about assessments and work loads and mental health; you must be spectacularly innocent if you think they don't.)

Just to add, while I wasn't as driven as your son, in terms of being determined to get a uni first, I went to Cambridge from a comp, having never met anyone as clever as me - all As at every subject, 12 GCSEs and 4 A levels (this was before A* existed!) - and it was a HUGE shock to the system. Suddenly I struggled a bit - not helped by not being told I'd picked modules in my Natural Sciences degree that I wouldn't be able to do, due to not doing physics A level - and the equivalent of doing 2 or 3 essays a week (in science terms), plus 44 hours of lectures (9-5 M-F and Sat mornings), was immense. I had a decent social life, but had nights when I was in the library the entire night, whereas my mates in other good RG unis were having a very different experience.
I wasn't crying into my pillow every night, but decided to leave at Christmas as I thought this wasn't what I wanted out of my uni experience. Had the rest of the year as a gap year, went to work in Canada for six months with BUNAC, and went to Leeds Uni to do my Chemistry degree the following September.
I have never regretted it - am now 52 - BUT from what you've said about your son, he might, as leaving in while in an emotional state is a bit different. He also sounds more driven than me tbh....however, what I would say is never over estimate the jump between always being the cleverest person, to being one of the pack.
Having said that, uni tutors/pastoral care nowadays is all aimed at keeping students there and thinking about their mental health. Maybe your son is applying logic to the situation and thinking that whatever they say, he will still have the essays to do, so how does anything change. Also clever people are often not very good at asking for help!!
Sorry, I probably haven't helped much...I really feel for him and you though. Thinking of both of you x

I think this post would be more helpful without the last couple of lines. We don’t really need to know how much your son earns.

Wot the hell is streaks ahead?

I would say to him: "What do you want me to do? Do you want me to encourage you to stay and help you, or encourage you to come home and help you? Either way, I'll help you. I don't care about Oxford, I don't care about your degree. I care about you."

Deep down he knows whether he really wants to be there but it's just too hard without some support, or that the really wants to come home but it's hard to be sure when it took so much to get there.

Take the pressure of expectation of (his perceived expectation of him, not necessarily your expectation of him) and help him to realise that Oxford is just another uni, this is just another course, and there are so many ways to skin a cat.

If he’s back in the library doing more reading, he’s lost perspective. He’s not actually supposed to read everything on the reading list and if he’s already struggling to write an essay, he really doesn’t need to muddy the water with yet more information and other people’s opinions, he needs to formulate his own perspective, however inadequate he may currently feel that is likely to be. So what if his tutor doesn’t agree with his argument, or tells him it’s not the best work he’s seen him do? He’ll probably learn more from his mistakes than from his triumphs, in any event. The whole point of a tutorial is having something to talk about and he will already have done enough reading for that.

Remind him that the point of having lots of essays is they don’t all have to be good, but they will allow him to hone his skills over time, and none of the essays he is currently writing will have any bearing on his final degree result. Suggest he get the essays out of the way and, if worried about the depth of his understanding, he can revisit the reading at a later date when he no longer has to produce an essay from it and instead has the luxury of time to think about what he is learning without that time and performance pressure.

Mostly, Oxford students do rapidly peel themselves off the walls after their essay crisis is over. If he can’t, he does need some kind of reset and to talk to his tutors.

Managing the research and writing of essays to a strict deadline, usually more than one at a time, is probably the single most important thing I learned at Oxford — and overcoming disabling perfectionism is part of that.

As is stepping away from studying to do other things too.

Oxbridge is brutal. Was at Cambridge doing similar course. But he sounds like he might be a perfectionist. Unfortunately many of us were churning out imperfect essays because of time. I hope someone can help him. Worst case scenario come home for a few weeks to think. Definitely don’t drop out in haste.

Btw, Oxford and Cambridge patently do think hard about assessments and work loads and mental health; you must be spectacularly innocent if you think they don't.)

@SarahAndQuack yes I’m sure they do. And I get the point about essay writing skills, but are weekly essays (or worse two/week) necessary to hone those skills? The fact that these essays don’t ‘count’ is spectacularly missing the point; these are very clever, driven students, many of whom put themselves under immense pressure (eg the OP’s ds) who WILL feel that they have to perform their best on each essay written. Any soothing sentiments that they don’t really matter are likely to be ignored if you’re that sort of student.

@unistress I noticed a lot of top grade students struggled at uni as they are perfectionists - one of the skills to learn particularly at uni is time management and that hitting the deadline is more important than being perfect.

My sister used to phone my mum and have a meltdown all the time saying she couldn't possibly do it and she was going to fail. She actually got a first...

Like some of PPs it sounds like your son could do with some time out (weekend at home) then speaking to support at uni. No doubt he will have worked so hard to get there but seems like more of a case of the standards he holds himself to and the management conflict.

This is a really good point. I also experienced a bit of a post Xmas slump in my first year but I got through it due to the excitement of a new boyfriend.
My friend from home ended up quitting just after Easter. If you can get him to try to focus on going through til the summer break he can make a proper decision with all the info about what a year at Oxford takes and transfer straight into Y2 at a Russell Group uni presuming he’s passed the year (even if with a poor mark)

Can he just come for a weekend to visit?
being in loving and supportive environment even for a weekend after high pressure place can help him recharge

I should go to bed, but here's just one positive story: one of my first years last year struggled a fair bit. Went home (to the North) multiple times during term rather than staying in college and doing his essays, because he was feeling so lonely and anxious. I was a bit concerned. The senior tutor and the college wellbeing team were aware of the situation, and we were all monitoring things and trying to support him.

This year (2nd year) his work is consistently first-class (it was good in first year, but patchier). Before the Christmas break I asked him about his Christmas plans, and he sighed and said, 'I wish I didn't have to go home for Christmas! My life and my friends are all in Oxford! It's good to see my family, but home is such a bore!'

I kept a straight face, but inwardly I felt gleeful: he has adjusted so well, he's gone from not wanting to be in Oxford in first year to not wanting to leave Oxford in 2nd year. I do love my job sometimes.

I went to Oxford, and my heart goes out to him! The terms are so short and intense, and full of extreme highs and lows - so it makes sense he was so positive at Christmas. What he’s experiencing sounds totally normal to me, and you’ve given him great advice. The welfare team, his tutor, and the Dean will all want to support him. Particularly in recent years, Oxford has had a real focus on student mental health.

I can’t work out which ‘week’ it will be at the moment, but the term ‘5th Week blues’ is used for a reason! The essays are a grind, but he’ll do it. The middle of the night ‘essay crisis’ is honestly something most students experience weekly. I remember calling my mum in tears a couple of times during my first year, too. I got through it.

It sounds frustrating that he has such a singular focus on getting a 1st, though. Remind him that his grade at the end of first year won’t affect his final degree grade, anyway: he just needs to pass.

Sending him a big hug and lots of luck. Remind him of all the lovely things he has to look forward to in the summer term! (The balls, the punting, the croquet, Eights Week…summer in Oxford is a dream! Ah, to be a nineteen year old getting ready for an Oxford ball again…!).

Also I can see that he’s a perfectionist with extra high expectations of himself, oh boy.

try telling him what others posters have told above, that first year he is learning a skill of balancing amount of writing /research with timing, and that handing something on time is a separate skill (done better than perfect). Maybe it will help him reframe his goal and set himself a new challenge, to learn his skill to find this balance

My point is that they suit some people.

And for many Oxbridge students (me included; lots of my students included), it is absolutely the point that they don't count. Lots of people don't want to feel they are being assessed towards their degree from day one.

As others have said, part of what you need to learn in life is when to step away from the task and accept it is as good as it's going to be. And another part of what you need to learn is working out how to streamline your whole process so you don't get bogged down in one area and never get to the end.

It's totally normal to get upset and stressed about these things while you're learning.

Poor kid!

He needs to learn to triage his work, and read strategically - not for mastery and completeness.

Draft an essay plan, then write it up.

Some tutors have a maximum word/page limit - the essays are meant to be short.

He can absolutely do this. RG degrees aren't necessarily easier or more enjoyable; and a 2.1 from Oxford is excellent.

I thought Oxford was one to one tutoring. Why is that pressure cooking? It's one of the best methods of teaching, indeed the tutorial method (which I went through many years ago, no not Oxford) works well in focussing students on what they are doing.
OP's son sounds overwhelmed so should probably come home and then contact the counselling service.

I was at Cambridge decades ago but remember this point in the second term of the first year being a particular low point - and then seeing it replicated in the year below and then again the year below that.
All of the novelty has worn off, it’s still dark & wet, it seems like a long time since term started and yet forever until it ends and, critically, you appear to have a great group of friends but they’re still all new friends so you’re not entirely sure where you stand, are probably madly in love with one of them but it’s someone else who fancies you and there’s no one you really want to admit to about how much you’re struggling and then there’s the fact they’re all the same age, going through the same essay crisis, same crisis of confidence and might well be having a romantic crisis too. Plus, at Oxford, there are mods which seem to be a unique form of torture and still, 30 years later, bring my best friend from school out in a cold sweat simply by mentioning them!
How can you help your DS? If he is going to be up all night, can you order him a Deliveroo? Or transfer a bit of extra cash to his bank account to take himself out for breakfast in the morning? Suggest he reaches out to one of the people @opendayhas listed or ask if he would like you to. Arrange your diary so that you can meet up with him for lunch or something one day this week. Depending on where you or he live, perhaps meet him half way and get him out of the bubble. Or do you have any friends or relatives who live near by who he could meet for a coffee and just a conversation with someone who isn’t also 19 and in the same situation?
And then it will be time for a longer term plan which will involve accepting that he is unlikely to get a first but that that doesn’t matter and that there will be a lot of essays between now & finals, some of which will be better than others.

I'd also worry about my anxious child in Oxbridge (she's still Y13 and I can't imagine her actually leaving home yet), but is this usual now, for kids to call home with every low point/stressor? It sounds like your son is having a v difficult time and I really do sympathise, please believe me. I just never imagined that my life at uni was a concern for my parents once I was there. Not at that academic micro level anyway (yes, I'd call and beg for money periodically).

I'm dreading her going now if that's how it's going to be.

And it must be exhausting for you, but he's an adult and surely needs to be and to talk to his tutors without his parents present? If I'm missing something about ND or anxiety, I apologise.

My nephew got a first in a humanities subject at Oxford. However, he really wasn't impressed with it, particularly the teaching methods, and despite pressure to stay there he went on to do an MA at Edinburgh which he enjoyed much more, both academically and socially. People are right, the teaching methods at Oxford aren't for everyone and there is no shame at all in acknowledging it.

It wasn't when I applied. I sat in on one at Oriel for an open day when I was looking at unis and it was 3 to 1. I knew I wouldn't cope with essay after essay and sometimes being the worst in the room so I didn't apply in the end and went to Durham which was a mixture of large lectures, 10ish or so in a tutorial and 1 to 1 oral lessons.