DS in tears wanting to come home - so worried

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I just don't know what to do for the best. He's at Oxford doing a humanity degree and in his first year. Home for Christmas full of how great it was - had positive feedback and couldn't wait to be back.

Since he got back he's said he doesn't like the new units he is doing and is struggling with the essays - it's one a week there, sometimes two. Last week he rang in the middle of the night the night before his essay was due saying he couldn't do it. However, he got it done, said feedback was 'fine' and was messaging excitedly about the optional modules for term 3 he's had to pick this week.

But tonight he rang again in a state. He has two essays due tomorrow - well, one was due this afternoon but is obviously late and the other was an extension from last week - so it's piling up. He says he has done loads of reading and he has a plan for both but they're 'shit,' and he can't write them. He started off saying he would do them overnight but then switched to saying he wanted to come home and he's dropping out. I have persuaded him to stay until the next holiday (4 weeks) as it seemed so sudden and rash. I told him to email the tutor, sleep tonight and see welfare tomorrow but after saying for a while he wanted to drop out he said he was going to do both overnight. I then offered to pick him up but he said no.

I'm so worried I've done the wrong thing and should have just collected him. It's 2 hours away. He says he is getting 4 hours sleep per night as that's the only way he can get all the reading done and it's not enough so he should drop out. He is prone to perfectionism and catastrophising but I don't know if this is more than that. I just don't know what to do.

I really feel for you

I have dealt with the serious mental ill health of young adult children.

My advice to you, without reservation, is to go to be with your son. I really hope things settle down for him and that he regains his strength.

All the impediments to you going to be with him are nothing really.

Well I got a call at 1:30 am from my very distressed son (at a different uni) the day before I was due to present in front of 90 professionals and I set off driving two hours immediately. I got home at 7:15 am with my son; my colleague did the presentation on her own and completely understood as she had done an Oxford overnight run in her daughter's first year. I kept him home for 48 hours, fed him, loved him, let him sleep, gave him a pep talk, helped him compose an email to his lecturer, and took him back. That was the turning point for him; he graduated with a first.

Maybe I was an overdramatic pp but my brother in law almost lost his nephew in similar circumstances when he attempted to take his own life. My kids come first. If my son really needs me, I am there.

I have every sympathy for him. Essay crisis is horrible, as it looms over everything. Once you pull your finger out and actually stop reading and start writing, it’s absolutely fine, and you have a real sense of satisfaction once you’ve pulled it off.

This may be an odd question, but does he actually understand the purpose of the essay? It’s a framework for learning about whatever the subject is at hand. It is also an education in critically analysing sources and selecting pertinent data to make your argument. The end product becomes the structure around which the tutorial is wrapped.

They are not meant to be perfect.

There are endless resources out there, and the skill is knowing when to stop researching and start doing. You have to learn to manage your time and to be pragmatic. These are useful skills for the future. Most of the time, you think you have nothing before you start writing, and then you find the writing process isn’t so painful after all, and you’ve actually produced something that’s actually not bad at the end.

As a lot of PP have said, they don’t actually count for anything, but when you’re used to being top of the class, a beta plus can really sting!

I was a medic, which I think made things easier than for my humanities friends, because we had so much time that was scheduled for labs/dissections/lectures as well as tutes and a couple of essays per week. If you wanted to do extra-curricular stuff and get a bit of socialisation in, you had to be pragmatic about how long you spent on each individual essay. I always knew that e.g. I’d have to do one essay on Tuesday and one on Thursday or they wouldn’t get done, so I had to bosh them out on that day with whatever data I had gathered at that point. It’s a bit like having homework at school. There’s a lot of it and you just have to get it done.

If you’re doing an arts/humanities subject, there’s a lot less scheduled activity, so you’re sitting with each essay for longer. It makes it easier to go down multiple rabbit holes until you either get overwhelmed by the amount of data you have already amassed, or you realise that there is more you could gather from the penumbra of what you already have. So it’s easier to get paralysed and into essay crisis. It’s also easier to procrastinate when you have more time. He’d have had a structured existence at school, and suddenly he’s having to manage his own time really well. Much better, in fact, than most people in normal jobs.

I also think this point of Hilary Term is the worst. It’s dark and dreary and it’s always raining. There’s nothing really important or exciting that you are aiming towards. Also, in the first year, it’s the time when you’re looking at everyone around you and thinking that everybody else has their shit together, and you don’t.

He will get through this, and he will be set up better for the rest of his working life about it. ‘Good enough is good enough” is a really important lesson for perfectionists in particular.

I would say that now is not the time to make rash decisions about dropping out. You can’t be too glib, and you do need to be mindful as there are some that sadly do succumb to pressure. However, a crisis in confidence at this point of the first year is terribly common, and most people stumble, but get over it. Seeing a face from home is helpful when you’re feeling this way. I can’t judge whether this is just acute stress or something more. Speak to him in the morning and make an judgement as to whether you do need to see him imminently or whether it can wait until the weekend. Encourage him to reach out for support at college. Make sure he knows that you have no expectations of him. Take any potential source of internal pressure about failing his parents that he may have built up away from him.

If it brings you any comfort, here’s something from my own experience:

Because the timetable of medic/extra-curriculars/social life forced me to be pragmatic, I had the uneasy nagging dread of the impending deadline, but I never had the paralysis of full blown essay crisis. However, I really had it in the Hilary Term of my 3rd year about my research dissertation. I wasn’t getting results out, no matter what I was doing. I remember, having gone home for the weekend, lying in my childhood bed crying, sweating, shaking and tachycardia, thinking that I really had nothing to write about, and that I was out of time and ideas. I thought that that was it. There was no way to compensate with the exam topics. I thought I was at risk of not even getting a 2:1! There was no way out and I was ruined! On top of that, I couldn’t tell anyone about it. How could I tell my parents that I was about to be a massive failure? They were so proud of me. I was the first in my family to go to Oxford. So I had to bottle it inside and just push through. I never told anyone about it at the time, not even my closest friends.

I had lost all insight and sense of perspective. Of course it was fine. I did have sufficient data and I did turn in a good dissertation in the end.

I thought I was at rock bottom and my life was ruined. However, I got through it, and I remember my pre-clinical as some of the best days of my life.

If that sort of student ignores sensible advice, they will neither survive university, nor the world of paid work outside it. Everyone needs to learn when perfectionism is useful and when it’s a barrier to learning. An essay that is not part of the degree result is just the gateway to a discussion with the tutor, not actually an end in itself. Perfection before you’ve even had your discussion is not expected.

Agree. I had twins in different colleges and studying different subjects at Cambridge. One would ring in utter despair. We were anxious at home. Her sister would say she was fine when she’d bumped into her, after the essay was submitted. They were both like this. Different in their second year.

I had at least one of these crisis moments every term during my Humanities degree at Oxford. First year is especially tough as you go from being the cleverest in the room to someone distinctly average. It's also a huge learning curve as you go from writing as a 'test' like coursework to writing as part of the learning process - you can't treat it as a final product to be endlessly touched up. Your tutor will tear it apart anyway!

It sounds like he's unlearning some ingrained habits and perfectionism - this will be painful but if he gets through it and learns to cultivate a growth mindset/more realistic expectations, it might be the making of him. Some of the habits that served him well at A Level may not help here - it's a really different paradigm.

As PP have said, only you know whether you need to go and see him or have him home for a bit. My mum used to send me coffee shop gift cards so I could get a coffee and muffin on the way home from a tutorial - is there anything you could send as a lift? Definitely get him to find support in welfare and study skills as well. Wishing him all the best!

I really don’t feel there is great support, I’ve been surprised by how little support there is, perhaps that support varies between colleges. Of course some tutors are more supportive and kind than others.
OP the reading lists for humanities, depending on his subject, can be huge. When there are two essays in a week with a massive reading list for each essay, everyone is stressed, getting little sleep. It can be hard at times to find solace in friendships because everyone else is highly stressed too.
I was shocked at quite how brutal it is tbh, I do think the intensity is a bit pointless when there are all these brilliant young people terrified of falling behind when they get ill, getting totally burnt out. I think for your ds talking to people and giving it a bit more time might be the thing to do, but there are options for taking some time out if necessary.
I hope he is just having a normal wobble, and will feel better about it all as he adjusts through this year.

Interesting that the fetch him brigade have mostly not had Oxford experience are those who have are saying it will be ok.
Anyone I know applying to Oxbridge I always ask the same questions. Do you like the course, have you seen what will be asked of you, or are you applying because it’s Oxbridge? How will you cope not being the best, and being average, and being properly challenged, work wise and by your tutor? Because there will be the dark wet Feb day when it all seems like greek and impossible.

This. After working in higher education for 20 years the only advice I wish I was allowed to give to parents, who see their kids are struggling badly is to jump in their fucking car and go to see them before they get worse or do something stupid.

Pretty much sounds exactly like my time at uni. He'll either get there, somehow, or he'll completely burn out and become ill. I don't think you should have collected him. He likely is just one of those last minute types that procrastinated until it's impossible to put it off anymore. I ended up pulling a lot of all-nighters to get essays done at uni. It actually seemed to be the norm for most students. We had far too much to do. Was awful. Some degrees are far more demanding than others.

Agree, go and see him, you’ve had some great advice from people who know the system and the pressure. These kind of worries are not unusual amongst Oxford students; he is not different nor is he unsuited just by feeling this way. He may well need to get some support and ease the pressure off him but he should not be encouraged to leave without reaching out and seeking help through all the welfare and other channels. I’m sure your son with mocks can cope and hope you can juggle work somehow even if you leave early. 2 hours is not far and it might help him seek the help he needs.

Go and see him, help him get support.

Good luck.

It's not a bad thing to advise him to wait and not make a rash decision in an emotional state as you have done. You've not said to him he can't drop out if that's the right thing to do - just to pause before deciding, as you can't make good decisions in the midst of essay crises. I agree with those who say go and see him, that's a compromise between leaving him to it and rushing over to whisk him home. He won't be able to just leave other things in adult life that are hard and he can't get absolutely perfect. Maybe if you go see him you might be able to help him make the first step towards seeking some help and tackling the perfectionism that's driving this.

If he gets some support and stays but still hates it and he's not suited, then he gave it a fair chance and he can look at other things. An Oxford degree isn't the be all and end all.

I'd pop down to take him to lunch. Seeing you may settle him. Remind him first year essays just need a pass. The marks don't contribute to final grades. No one does all the reading. If they put 20 reading articles tell him to pick 5 different sounding ones and include those. He is putting toouch pressure on himself. He's he joined any clubs or societies? If he hasn't get to sign up to a few. He needs to make friends to realise no one reads everything and no one is expecting perfect essays. He has the whole year to improve.

It’s really, really hard. Any adult who fancies trying it out pick two huge topics and read 5 books on each of them (while being told to read 15-20) and then write a decent essay on them both all within 7 days. I was in the 4 hours sleep club many times esp first year, often less. I’ve seen dawn more often then than ever in my life.

You’ve had great advice here about the support available but I would just add that a trip home for the weekend is very doable at 2 hours away. He can write or do his reading on the train down and work from home. Alternatively offer to come up at the weekend, some of the colleges have cheap accommodation for visiting families, worth asking. Sounds like he needs a hug and a square meal and to see someone from outside the college. It’s easy to feel that every essay is a huge deal as it’s such an enclosed environment.

I think you should show this to your son.

My son studied a science subject at Oxford, and when he asked for help because be was getting overwhelmed, the answer came back " unless you are putting in at least 16 hours a day you are not trying."
I think the support people glibly suggest , often just doesn't really exist in practice.
I would be trying to calm your dc down and empower him to cope with this situation and turn it round, rather than running away from it. It is hard as a mother though!!

This is a difficult one OP. I went to Oxford and while I got through it, I don’t think I emerged unscathed. I was very different to your son, not so conscientious by any means. My friend who had been head girl at her school and was very keen to complete everything perfectly did drop out and did really well elsewhere.

Maybe things have changed a lot, but in my experience, at least of a non science subject, you have to let a lot go. You cannot do all the reading. It is not possible or advisable to attempt all of it, and one of the key skills you develop is bluffing. Sorry, but this is true. Many of us used to joke that this is why employers would like Oxford graduates, because in so many jobs you have to sound informed and confident when actually you are flying by the seat of your pants. You cannot attempt to make every essay good, you have to hand in some ‘fillers’.

It is a hard adjustment because while I had loved my subject at A level, the very thing I had found most rewarding was in depth study and real understanding of a topic, and I actually found Oxford denied me that. It was better later on in the course when I was able to choose a specialist topic, but at least at first you are asked to cover so much ground that you have to accept a much more shallow performance that feels quite fake.

Also generally, no tutor will tell you if you are doing well. They may tell you if you aren’t, otherwise they will leave you to get on with it. Often your time is almost completely unstructured and the scope to go wrong with self care and organisation is vast.

It is normal to have essay crises and be powering through the night fairly regularly I think. Normal also to have doubts and panics, but what worries me is your son’s work ethic. Depending on how your son copes, it may not be worth it. You can emerge with a first, that’s all well and good, but then what? I have seen it first hand and learned the hard way myself, that grades aside the people who are set for success and financial reward are the ones who emerge with their health intact, not the ones who get the top degrees. There are people who can do both, I wasn’t one of them and it sounds like your son may not be.

I think you should encourage him to talk to any sympathetic and approachable college staff, and other students especially in senior years. Maybe he will get a ‘reality check’ on what is feasible. It’s a marathon, not a sprint. He can’t always be at his best. Also make sure that he knows he can come home whenever he needs to, and that other options exist. This may be teething troubles, but monitor very closely and be ready to accept things quickly if it is more than that.

I am encouraged to hear this kind of support is, or should be, available. It was a very different picture when I was there.

I'm a uni lecturer, and basically all this. For whatever reason, male students (in fact, males generally) find it difficult to ask for help but as this poster highlights, many other students will be in the same boat and the ones who are mature and responsible enough to ask for help will be the ones most likely to get a first.

I went to Oxford myself, but it's changed considerably since then. In my day you could do bugger-all for three years and then graduate. Later my own son (different uni, different country) became very mentally ill and dropped out halfway through his degree. He needed a lot of time to rebuild himself, but ten years on he has a different degree from a different uni and has just qualified for CELTA.

For what it's worth, your boy should probably talk to his college and see if he can take a couple of years off and then return. Some kind of mental health diagnosis would probably help with this request. He doesn't have to go back, ever, but at least it would keep the option open for a while.

Agreed! It is really pretty normal to feel this way at this point in the course. And there are tonnes of people around to help your DS. The welfare/ counselling team alone is enormous (as it has to be when pressure is this intense). Your DS needs to speak to someone at Oxford about how he is feeling. I suspect he won't really take reassurance from you anyway so going home etc wouldn't help. He needs to hear someone in the system tell him how normal this is, that he'll be ok and make the great points PPs have about perfectionism. His tutor, deal, college etc would do this and can give him specific pointers.

If he won't talk to anyone like that, would he talk to his friends or college mother etc about this? They'll be in similar positions and might reassure him.

There will be some one, a counsellor or similar in the uni / college. This is the time most first years find hard.

They have been home for Xmas, have seen family and friends, gone back and the weather is terrible. You have had just enough time for your house / flatmates to become annoying.

Be supportive but get him to try the options available to him.

I'm so grateful for these supportive posts. I haven't heard from him through the night so I hope he has either powered through or gone to sleep. I suspect it won't be the latter. He did message and say he had emailed the tutor of one of the essays and he asked me what to put in an email to the welfare team, so I'm hoping he will contact them. I take on board everything people have said about essay crises, but I do think there is an issue with perfectionism that needs attention. He can't go on with 4 hours sleep a night, so if that's not an exaggeration I do think I need to intervene somehow. One thing he said last week was he can't afford any more poor essays as that's all they have to revise from, but from what Oxbridge graduates and tutors here are saying that's not true so I need to sit down properly and go through things with him. I wish it was like school where you could ask for a meeting with the teacher and sit with them together!

When I did my degree I remember our finals were taken home and we had something like 2 or 3 days to do them. It was the worst couple of days of my life - up all night and constantly starting then picking another essay and starting again. I phoned my mum and my recently ex-boyfriend to tell them I wasn't doing it before I finally did them a few hours before the deadline. That was bad enough and it seems ds is in a situation like that every week - not enough time to make the essays as good/well-researched as he'd like, but enough time to allow for procrastination and doubt to overwhelm him.

Just as a bit of practical advice, both from my own time at university and from DCs time, the only way to approach it is to consider it to be a job. You start at 'work time' , take a break for coffee /lunch whatever and finish at home time. Just as you would if working. It's boring, but I noticed that people who did that coped better than those who didn't.