DS in tears wanting to come home - so worried

[unistress]

I just don't know what to do for the best. He's at Oxford doing a humanity degree and in his first year. Home for Christmas full of how great it was - had positive feedback and couldn't wait to be back.

Since he got back he's said he doesn't like the new units he is doing and is struggling with the essays - it's one a week there, sometimes two. Last week he rang in the middle of the night the night before his essay was due saying he couldn't do it. However, he got it done, said feedback was 'fine' and was messaging excitedly about the optional modules for term 3 he's had to pick this week.

But tonight he rang again in a state. He has two essays due tomorrow - well, one was due this afternoon but is obviously late and the other was an extension from last week - so it's piling up. He says he has done loads of reading and he has a plan for both but they're 'shit,' and he can't write them. He started off saying he would do them overnight but then switched to saying he wanted to come home and he's dropping out. I have persuaded him to stay until the next holiday (4 weeks) as it seemed so sudden and rash. I told him to email the tutor, sleep tonight and see welfare tomorrow but after saying for a while he wanted to drop out he said he was going to do both overnight. I then offered to pick him up but he said no.

I'm so worried I've done the wrong thing and should have just collected him. It's 2 hours away. He says he is getting 4 hours sleep per night as that's the only way he can get all the reading done and it's not enough so he should drop out. He is prone to perfectionism and catastrophising but I don't know if this is more than that. I just don't know what to do.

Possibly the clients set rather less store on their DC enjoying their time at university than some of the rest of us do...?

Very possibly! How sad, though.

Mostly parents are concerned that their children haven't been culturally acclimatized to having whole days without a single contact hour and won't adjust easily. And tbh there are most definitely issues with loneliness and not knowing how to manage their time when contact hours are low.

Just in terms of the contact hours and loneliness, this does not seem to have been an issue for ds. He describes it 'like a giant 6th form,' with a common room, and halls where all main meals are eaten, as well as the occasional breakfast. He has said it is easy to meet people, including from higher years, and he has college parents and in-laws. As well as this, contact with older students has come through clubs - he's in two.

When I went to uni (25 years ago and not Oxbridge) I did English and had 6 contact hours per week. Much more than that and there wouldn't have been sufficient time for me to do all the reading,

College in-laws? 😁. Please, tell.

Such a bizarre place in many ways. DS seems to have college - just-about-any-familial-relationship- you-can-name, as well as being in a college-throuple, (husband and wife) so I assume he has a plethora of in-laws. I tried to ask how this came about at Christmas but he just sighed and said 'You college-propose.' I asked how you do that and he said, 'You just say, "do you want to get college-married?" of course.' It's obvious, really...

@unistress I agree that Oxbridge are somewhat unique in that the college system provides a scaffold that enables students to socialise and meet people even in low contact hour courses and the college family thing (albeit a little odd) is actually lovely- kind of glad it's endured. Additionally there is the rule that students basically have to live in college/ within a short distance unless there are exceptional circumstances, so there are basically no commuters. All this creates social cohesion.

Where I think low contact hours are becoming an issue at many Unis is that living costs and loans are understandably encouraging more students to stay local and commute, and that in turn encourages Unis to compress contact into a few days to facilitate it , and it becomes reinforcing. Suddenly everyone wants to do the group work over Zoom because they only come in on Tuesdays and Thursdays and societies become a bit thin because people just aren't always around.

I'm not sure if the parents focused on contact hours are focusing on them for the right reasons but I think it should be a factor, particularly for YP who don't necessarily have a lot of natural routes to making friends (like team sports or other "social" interests) or who by virtue of being international, need to live in halls.

ps I had a massive and totally unrequited crush on my college dad

Interesting. I have kids at uni but haven't heard of this. Going to ask them.
It sounds fun and an interesting place to be. Such relationships will really help the settling in and enjoying uni in the first year.

In secondary school (boarding), we had school mothers or school fathers, school siblings. They were for the purpose of supporting year 7s look after themselves... like sort of guides. If your school mother had more than one of you, then they were your school sister or brother. We didn't have in-laws. I am intrigued by how this works in uni.

Made me smile.
@unistress , your son sounds happy and social even with all the essay-related stress he is going through. Everything will work out.

The college parents thing is the same sort of idea as the boarding school one - each Fresher has at least one college parent who is basically a student from the year above who is expected to take them under their wing a bit. Sometimes there might be a subject parent and a more pastoral parent. I think it varies a bit from college to college how it’s done and what is expected of them. It can end up with college siblings (where parents are looking after more than one person), college husbands and wives (two parents, same student), college grandparents (parents of parents), or incestuous, as the logic gets stretched…

God, there’s a thought! I’m still in touch with my college child almost thirty years later, and with the ‘father’ of my college child, despite us all living on different continents.

OP the comment about humanities/ little contact time was a general one, in response to the idea that the first year of uni should be the least pressured. It can certainly throw some students, after the structure provided at school.

But your son sounds as though he's doing absolutely fine in the scheme of Oxford freshers, and it's great that he feels he can offload on you. Other than a few spiky hours around essay time I'd go so far as to say he sounds as though he's thriving.

I don't want to derail the thread, because it's a side point, but the claim that Oxbridge has fewer contact hours than other universities is quite odd, and not one I've ever heard before. Frankly I'd need to see evidence in order to be convinced of that.

I've heard a lot of complaints about Oxbridge over the decades, but insufficient contact hours isn't one of them!

As @SarahAndQuack said, not all types of contact hours are equal either. As is well-known, Oxbridge's tutorial system means that many contact hours take place in very small groups, with the tutor plus only one, two or three students. It's an expensive system to run, which is part of the reason student fees at Oxbridge don't actually cover the cost of teaching (the universities try to make up the shortfall in other ways, eg with expensive postgraduate degrees that attract international students).

Well, yes, it does seem odd to me to criticise Oxford or Cambridge for lack of contact hours or structure. It’s quite hard to get more structured and get more focused attention than that afforded by weekly reading lists, essays and tutorials. It’s the inability to hide from the structure and regularity of assessment, not the lack of contact hours and structure, that causes the essay crises, after all. There is an awful lot of attention paid to what the students are or are not doing for 8 weeks every term. If you want less structure, less regular direct and focused attention, and more anonymity, then it’s probably better to go elsewhere. It is definitely too intense for some. Also, the college system creates a sense of belonging and sociability for some, and claustrophobia for others.

Frankly I'd need to see evidence in order to be convinced of that

I asked for evidence, indirectly, but was told I would have to sign up as a client/ pay so I just thought well the evidence is going to be pretty thin anyway....

I’m late to this, but please don’t try to persuade him to come home or transfer.

The first year at Oxford is the hardest. By the second year they get into the swing of things.

When my DD was struggling she spoke to her personal tutor who was wonderful. Could he contact his personal tutor next week?