Cost of stepdaughter going to uni will stop my son being able to do the same

[Exhaustedbird1]

Just after some views on this please as not sure where to stand my ground and how to make this fair.

For context so no drip feed : Married, have one DS and one DSD. DSD is one year older than DS.
DSD came into my life 5 years ago, I dont have any involvement in raising her (DH has her weekends at his PIL house as we have a tiny house and no space apart from a sofa bed (my house when we met and we cant buy bigger as DH still paying for his exW house until DSD turns 18, live an 1.5 hours away so she gets bored at ours and can't see friends / do hobbies over the weekends if she was at ours so it just works best).

DSD has her heart set on going to uni - I fully support her in her decision as I want her to live her life and follow her dreams. DSD mum says she can't afford to assist with funding DSD at uni (she is low income through choice, works 16 hours a week to get full benefits (those who'll comment how do you know; she proudly told me and said she couldnt imagine having work full time like I do) as DH still pays for half the house and some of the bills under the divorce agreement until DSD turns 18). Our joint income whilst not huge means that me and my DH are likely to have to fund quite a lot of her uni costs. I dont begrudge her this as I love her and want her to succeed in life but here's the kicker....
My son also has his heart set on uni and is a smart kid and needs a degree for what he wants to do in a career. By myself and my DH funding my DSD through uni means there's no way we can afford for my son to go.
To not drip feed, my DS's dad died when he was very young so no financial input from that direction.
My DSD will go to uni, her heart is set and both her parents and I want her to go but where does this leave my DS? I cant save up enough to cover his costs from my income and it just seems so unfair his life choices will be limited by me funding a child who is not biologically mine. I want the best for them both.
How do I make this fair?

Really don’t understand the posters saying both children should be treated the same.

DSD is not OP’s daughter. She has her own mum.

sh will get help because it is based on her main residence. My daughter went to university and got a grant and a couple of bursaries.
I was on a low income and had to send tax return information to confirm it. I did my best to either buy food for her or send her money for food once a month. And she worked through university.
Hope that helps

Prioritise your one and only child, who has only one living parent and deserves for you to put him first. Your DH and his ex wife are doing what they need to do for their DD, you do what you need to do for your DS. He’s your son and you are the only person who is truly in his corner (although you don’t sound as if you are in his corner as you genuinely seem to be considering contributing to another child’s uni expenses at the detriment of your own child). Please put your son first.

she is low income through choice, works 16 hours a week to get full benefits

I am not sure who I hate more, people that do this or a system that allows it.

You fund your child, your husband funds his and the children get student loans to make up the difference.

Problem with this is it sounds like he’s the high earner.
So step daughter won’t need much if any top up from him as she’s on £11,000.
Son will need £6000 a year top up as he lives in high earning household with mum and her new husband. Op says she’s ft but low earner. If she’s only on min wage paying £6000 out of her net each year may not be realistic. Until her husband moved in her son would have got full or nearly full loan not requiring a top up from her so she may not have anticipated this.

I was going to say they same as the comment below. She will get a grant as her main residence is low income. There will be a helpline to answer all these questions. Start looking into it asap.
Your son will also be able to government funded , but will probably have to pay his loan back. Look at the possibilities of a Uni near home to which he can commute to save on living costs which also have to be repaid.

None of the repayments start until he is earning above a certain amount and is a percentage of his wage . Hope this helps. We have had 3 children through Uni and apart from possible top up to living loans and filling their fridges and freezers once a term it hasn't cost us much. Be warned the financial forms to fill in are long.....

You talk about grants. It's not grants anymore, it's student loans, which are paid back over 30 years once they've graduated and got a job

They both go to Uni, they both apply for loans. Admittedly I would pour more into my own DS as DSD has two parents your son has you and SD.

not easy and I am sure realistically you will both support both children, good luck.

Are we being stupid here? You don’t need to fund either of their uni experiences busarys and loans and even working part time will suffice for them to get through their own uni life. You don’t need to fund a thing it’s beyond me that you think they can’t go without you.

This @Exhaustedbird1 my friend’s kids both got supermarket jobs during 6th form holidays, they were able to get shifts while at Uni too. Many people can’t afford to fund their kids, my parents wouldn’t have been able to either.

Do they calculate the loan on parental income / spouse of the parent?

I wonder when they started that.

This was my understanding. There is no expectation for a parent to fund university.

I never understand these threads because when i went to uni we all worked about three part time jobs and got student loans for the rest. Parents might have helped out here and there but not much. I think this is pretty common?

There is though. Students loans are based on parental income. If parents earn over a certain amount DC will not get a full loan.

Why can’t they both take maintenance loan and get a part time job? Ours did.

It’s silly. Due to my earnings (not that high, but a bit into the 40% tax bracket) my child could only get a maintenance loan of just over 4 grand. That covered half the years costs of halls…..

Personally I would be applying for a variation to the Order. Your DSD isn’t able to be accommodated at your residence and has to stay at your In Laws for the time she is supposed to be with her Dad.

now she is older, her Mother should be looking at increasing her work hours to share the cost of raising the child. Does she have a partner?

you can bet your bottom pound or dollar that DSD’s mother won’t be agreeing to the property being sold in 2 years and potentially will encourage the daughter into further study so that financial support is in-going from your DH.

She won’t go willingly, so don’t count on being financially free in 2 years… (sadly). And I mentioned this from seeing it elsewhere..

OP do your research re whether uni will be worth it for your DC.
In my recent experience uni can be a bit of a rip off. Sad as it is, will a degree really lead to his dream job? 2 of my DC gott their degrees through the apprenticeship route. Got paid whilst they learned and no fees to pay back at all. Afterwards they were given jobs in their companies.
Most job roles have apprenticeship routes (probably excluding medicine, vet medicine and dentistry).
My third child went through the degree and master's route and although they earn well they are paying back a student loan at £300 a month.

A does not follow B though. The more income the student's household has (and it is household not parents - Non-resident parents are not assessed -Step-parents and cohabiting boyfriends/girlfriends of the resident parent are included in the assessment) the less loan the student get but there are no rules or laws that create any obligation for the parents to provide any funds. If a parent chooses not to, there is nothing anyone can do about it. The threshold household income at which a student stops getting maximum loan is ridiculously low - a lot of households simply cannot afford to make up the difference as they are barely breaking even as it is.

Uni students staying at home defeats much of the point IMO. I would stay in the smaller property at this stage personally.

Your DSD will get the bigger loan, unless she moves in with you as you are considering, then it should be based on your (joint) income or it will be committing fraud.

Either work out how to support them equally for the next few years or split it so that DH supports his DD and you support your DS, which would also be fair.

Loans and part-time work and then give them both what you can afford.

It’s always been the case that household income is assessed, even when it was the old grant system

Just figure out what you can afford to fund each month and split it equally between the kids. They will need to work if they want more money.

There is a lot of useful advice but also widespread misunderstanding on this thread about student finance. Students cannot just 'take out full loans'. The amount you qualify for as a loan is determined by the income of the parent/parents/step-parent you live with. A household income of approx £62000 means you will only get the minimum loan. Cost of student accommodation bears no relation to that of 30 or 40 years ago. Current student loan terms are such that someone on a full loan who works as a teacher is projected to pay back over twice the amount they borrow due to interest and the now 40 year term.