Cost of stepdaughter going to uni will stop my son being able to do the same

[Exhaustedbird1]

Just after some views on this please as not sure where to stand my ground and how to make this fair.

For context so no drip feed : Married, have one DS and one DSD. DSD is one year older than DS.
DSD came into my life 5 years ago, I dont have any involvement in raising her (DH has her weekends at his PIL house as we have a tiny house and no space apart from a sofa bed (my house when we met and we cant buy bigger as DH still paying for his exW house until DSD turns 18, live an 1.5 hours away so she gets bored at ours and can't see friends / do hobbies over the weekends if she was at ours so it just works best).

DSD has her heart set on going to uni - I fully support her in her decision as I want her to live her life and follow her dreams. DSD mum says she can't afford to assist with funding DSD at uni (she is low income through choice, works 16 hours a week to get full benefits (those who'll comment how do you know; she proudly told me and said she couldnt imagine having work full time like I do) as DH still pays for half the house and some of the bills under the divorce agreement until DSD turns 18). Our joint income whilst not huge means that me and my DH are likely to have to fund quite a lot of her uni costs. I dont begrudge her this as I love her and want her to succeed in life but here's the kicker....
My son also has his heart set on uni and is a smart kid and needs a degree for what he wants to do in a career. By myself and my DH funding my DSD through uni means there's no way we can afford for my son to go.
To not drip feed, my DS's dad died when he was very young so no financial input from that direction.
My DSD will go to uni, her heart is set and both her parents and I want her to go but where does this leave my DS? I cant save up enough to cover his costs from my income and it just seems so unfair his life choices will be limited by me funding a child who is not biologically mine. I want the best for them both.
How do I make this fair?

There is no such thing as a maintenance grant.

DSD will get a maintenance loan based on the household income where she resides. She lives with her mother and based on the minimal info about her mum's income it seems she would get the full maintenance loan.

The DS would get a maintenance loan based on the income of the household he lives in OP and her DH so possibly not full maintenance loan.

OP - get these figures and show your DH. you Need to budget to help them both but potentially DSD will be getting more maintenance loan than you DS anyway.

Both kids should also get part time and holiday work now to help support themselves at uni.

One or both could also consider a gap year to work and save too
DO NOT let DS give up on his hopes of going just so DSD can. They both should be able to go with proper budgeting.

Even if you earned a million pounds the government gives full loans for uni fees for every uk student wanting to go plus a loan of at least £4k towards living expenses each year.

I'd put all my effort into finding them a good apprenticeship. A trade is worth more than a degree these days.

Absolutely this. They will both have student loans, likely will also need to work, and then you must provide any additional support equally.

Op's child won't get a bursary and minimum loan doesn't even cover accommodation costs.

This!

DSD will be able to get full student loan as her mum earns under the maximum earning limit.

Your son if you both work full time won't. Therefore, you should focus on your son's fees He will still get the basic amount that covers tuition cost but not the living costs part.

I'm currently studying towards my second degree so have a bit of knowledge on student finance.

Go to the website to see what DSD can claim.

The 'in my day' posts are largely irrelevant unless the poster is recently graduated. Student accommodation in my uni city is now 6 times the price I paid, by general inflation it should only be 2.5 times. Also part time work is much more difficult to access as more students want it and there are far more barriers for employers now.

Yes, a lot of posters are very ignorant about student costs and chances of a job nowadays.

I paid £160/ month in my final year for a lovely house in the city centre, 5 mins from my university - that’s a tiny amount compared to what we are going to have to pay in the near future. Part time jobs are also as rare as hen’s teeth for school kids, let alone students. It’s not looking great.

All the parents I know are paying thousands to support dc at uni. Accommodation costs are so high.
A child living in a household earning just over £60,000 gets min loan £4900 if living away outside London.
Student accommodation typically costs £7000 or £8000 plus in halls yr 1. Yr 2 and 3 they are often in private rental and a 52 week contract. Some cities outside London rent is £9/10,000. Deposit will be due as soon as reserves yr2 house often Autumn term yr1.
If yp are managing to work enough hours to be earning £8000 plus a year then all credit to them but it’s not the norm.
My dc worked all sixth form pt and in summers but has struggled to get a pt job at uni. Applied for multiple uni jobs and local jobs in city. Her flatmate is same. Her other flatmate works a few hours in a bar. Only one earning ok is a localish and able to commute back to his sixth form job to work a few night shifts a week.
The whole uni set up isn’t conducive to working several days a week. She has lectures and tutorials daily, they monitor tutorial attendance. The timetable also shifts each semester, she won’t know her Jan - May uni hours until January.
Some uni courses a very high contact hours or recommend no term time working.
Some unis (usually ex polys) are condensed days to give yp more chance to work but this isn’t the norm.

I have three sons. I made it clear that they had to go to university at different times so I could 'spread' cost, that they all had to work before and during university to afford it. They did that.
They have all paid for their own global travel, time at college and university.

For me the difference in blood relative and step child is less of an issue, we all know that blended families are complex.

10000% agree with this. It’s YOUR HOME. Husband doesn’t get to pay nothing for living expenses whilst funding his daughter for uni, then get the violins out and sad face if she doesn’t go, then expect YOUR son to stack shelves in Asda on the night shift whilst his daughter is swanning around happy as Larry at uni.

I think not.

i would also see a family lawyer and get your house in a trust for your son. Because YOUR home, should go to YOUR son, and not have your stepdaughter start throwing her weight around that she wants a slice of the pie, aided and abetted by her dad.

your dead husband and his family would be turning in their graves.

Both kids will just need to get jobs. DSD loan etc will be based on the mums income. Your DS based on your household income.

her mum will need to get a job too

In Wales all students get the same, it just varies how much is grant and how much is loan depending on household income. Not sure in England

Yes Wales is a much more generous system and a yp can survive without parental support. I did ask Op to clarify where she was based.

I really don’t think some people appreciate how different maintenance loan amounts in England are depending on household income.
This is a good example from last year.
My dd and a friend at her sixth form went to same uni, same halls of residence.
My dd gets min loan. £4900. She chose cheapest halls (shared bathroom) and her accommodation was nearly £7000 a year. So she (we) had over £2000 to find to pay the rent plus she needed money to live on.
Her friend lived with his low earning mum. His maintenance loan was over £10,000 and the uni gave those on max loan £3000 bursary so he had over £6000 a year to live on.
The OP’s son will be in position of my daughter and her dsd in position of her friend. They are starting from very different points.

The only parent who has to contribute is the one the student lives with, it’s all done on Househols income of the household that the student lives with.

I don't think that means only the parent the student lives with should contribute!

I don't think universities usually give 3,000 bursarys to everyone on max loans.

No, but it is common to give some automatic bursary. These Uni's are random, just the first places which came to mind. Some offer lower amounts to those earning over the minimum. But the amounts below are available automatically to students whose resident parent/s earn the lowest amounts, no other criteria need to be met (first generation, disability, refugee, etc, usually there will be additional funding available for specific groups).
Cambridge £3500
Durham £2700
Bristol £2500
Birmingham £2000
Southampton £2000
Oxford Brookes £1250
Loughborough £1000
Cardiff £500
Liverpool John Moores £500

You need to sit your DH down and start a conversation with the words, ‘We have two children to put through uni and we need to explore options to make that happen’.

No of course not all but some universities give extra bursaries to those on max loan, this was a specific example from uni my dd is at.

@Pikachu150 A dc on a max loan is often better off as there are bursaries and this can be ascertained before dc applies. Sometimes it’s results dependent. However the parent might not need to contribute anything. When on anything less than max loan, a parent is expected to contribute and a bursary is unlikely. So these students can be worse off if parents won’t make the contribution. So the DS in this case will cost parent money and it’s household money that matters. So live in partner has his money considered but he doesn’t for his own DD.

Student finance is a very blunt tool. Obviously in some cases the students on max loan absolutely need the max loan and bursary as parents can’t pay anything. But some have a parent they don’t live with who is willing and able to contribute too.
Lots on this thread saying if Op gives son money he should give exactly same to his daughter even if she’s on max loan.

I know how it works as two DC are students and I work in a university. The majority of universities are cash strapped at the moment and not many are offering bursaries.

From what you have said your dsd will get full funding as they will look at her mothers income. When at uni she will have to get a job, all students do. This money helps but their food and nights out. My dd just started this September. She started applying for jobs before leaving for uni, as she wanted something near to avoid travel costs. Also your partner will no longer be paying child support etc so you will have that extra. Don't worry it will all work out