Cost of stepdaughter going to uni will stop my son being able to do the same

[Exhaustedbird1]

Just after some views on this please as not sure where to stand my ground and how to make this fair.

For context so no drip feed : Married, have one DS and one DSD. DSD is one year older than DS.
DSD came into my life 5 years ago, I dont have any involvement in raising her (DH has her weekends at his PIL house as we have a tiny house and no space apart from a sofa bed (my house when we met and we cant buy bigger as DH still paying for his exW house until DSD turns 18, live an 1.5 hours away so she gets bored at ours and can't see friends / do hobbies over the weekends if she was at ours so it just works best).

DSD has her heart set on going to uni - I fully support her in her decision as I want her to live her life and follow her dreams. DSD mum says she can't afford to assist with funding DSD at uni (she is low income through choice, works 16 hours a week to get full benefits (those who'll comment how do you know; she proudly told me and said she couldnt imagine having work full time like I do) as DH still pays for half the house and some of the bills under the divorce agreement until DSD turns 18). Our joint income whilst not huge means that me and my DH are likely to have to fund quite a lot of her uni costs. I dont begrudge her this as I love her and want her to succeed in life but here's the kicker....
My son also has his heart set on uni and is a smart kid and needs a degree for what he wants to do in a career. By myself and my DH funding my DSD through uni means there's no way we can afford for my son to go.
To not drip feed, my DS's dad died when he was very young so no financial input from that direction.
My DSD will go to uni, her heart is set and both her parents and I want her to go but where does this leave my DS? I cant save up enough to cover his costs from my income and it just seems so unfair his life choices will be limited by me funding a child who is not biologically mine. I want the best for them both.
How do I make this fair?

It is not the case that students get enough of a maintenance loan to cover living away from home. Some students struggle massively these days because the cost of living in student accommodation can be extortionate

That's why so many students have to work even if they get a maintenance loan

He will still get the basic amount that covers tuition cost but not the living costs part.

The OP has said nothing to indicate that the situation re her DS's eligibility for loans will be anything out of the ordinary, so yes, he will be entitled to a maintenance loan, the basic non-means tested element, currently about £4900, then any extra according to the income of the household where he is resident, that is, the combined taxable income of the OP and his stepfather. From what the OP has indicated re her tax position, with her DH also in employment the likelihood is that her DS will only be entitled to the non-means tested part, but he will get that. (Like everyone else, I am assuming that the OP is in England).

Re the DSD, if the arrangement is literally that funding from her biological father will stop on her 18th birthday, I really do hope that she doesn't turn 18 until after she sits her A levels.

@Roobarbtwo if students choose a cheaper city for university and cheaper accommodation they can just about manage on the full loan. It’s not impossible if they get a bursary as well. They don’t all work and some universities say no to this. There are vacations and students do need to consider if a gap year will help if they work in this period. The richest universities have considerable funds for student support so choosing wisely really matters and forget the swanky en suite rooms. Go basic and the money is just about going to last.

Agree. Most students work most of the long summer holidays before going to Uni and over summer once a student. As well as giving them some paid employment experience to put on CV’s it helps them gain valuable transferrable skills, keeps them busy, helps them build up a pot of money, helps them understand the value of money and helps prevent too much ‘bed rotting’.

I'm not disputing what you are saying but in some areas a basic studio flat is around 1k a month. The only restrictions to work as far as I'm aware are for overseas students who are limited in the hours they can do and possibly PhD students.

It is expensive being a student - that's why I did my last degree with the Ou. It was fully funded with a part time fee grant - I'm in Scotland. Wales and NI have similar funding support for people with a household income of less than 25k

Many young people are choosing to study with the ou for that reason. It gives them more time to work around it

Some students are finding it hard to get paid work just now - although that will depend on where you live and how many jobs are avaliable.

I didn't work during my first degree - apart from one paid placement - wasn't that I didn't try and find work but in those days it was easier not to because accommodation wasn't so expensive

I’m sorry but having had two children going to uni this year I really think you are catastrophising. You say dsd is 2 years off being 18. Unless she’s a child genius she’s not just about to start uni - kids the age of your dsd and ds have a lot of hurdles to jump through / experiences of change before uni is a certainty. They have to get the predicted grades they need in the correct t subject choices, they have to apply and be accepted into unis, they have to get the right grades needed for entry … and at any point in time in this process they might change their minds about uni / take a gap year - apply for an apprenticeship which pays for their uni degree .

if your kids choices are limited due to finances, which lots of kids budgets are, they make choices based on this. Gap years working to save up funds, part time work while studying, living at home to save costs, choosing unis with lower cost of living costs

you best bet is to head to the uni Mumsnet pages and work out how much uni might cost for each child

@Roobarbtwo Oxford certainly restricts working and probably Cambridge. Short terms and high workload. Vets and medics possibly too.

What student undergrad has a studio flat? Total luxury. They have a room with a shared bathroom (yes, the horror!) in a hall in y1 and a shared flat or house from then on. London might be £1000 a month but elsewhere that’s totally avoidable. If dc avoid luxuries like an en suite and a very expensive area, they can survive but if they want more, then need to save up for it if parents cannot help out.

I do agree some jobs are in short supply but students who do nothing are less likely to get a job after graduating so effort really is needed.

8 week terms at Oxford. I used to stay up for longer then go home and work in Sainsbury’s or applied for paid internships. I managed to save enough to travel as well as have enough to live on. They only have control over your working for half a year.

Glasgow and Edinburgh are around 1k a month for a studio flat. There are lots of companies who rent out student housing. Not just in those cities but all over the UK. Some people don't have much choice to enter into a contract like this - uni accommodation isn't guaranteed for every first year student and some cities have a shortage of private rented flats for the number of students looking for them

Even a room in a private rented flat can be 700 or 800 pounds. That might include bills but that's pretty standard prices these days

The cheapest uni halls in the UK are around 79 pounds a week but that's sharing a room. The average is around 120-200 pounds a week.

I actually would separate from my DH if my relationship was going to prevent my child from going to uni whilst we as a family supported his.

You also need to check length of tenancy. Lots of uni halls are only 40 weeks. Affiliated and private halls can be 51 weeks which bumps up costs.
Weekly cost varies massively by university. Cheapest uni owned were £165 a week at my dc’s uni. Look very carefully one uni we visited advertised rooms from only £x, when you dug into small print there were a handful of rooms for care leavers at that price. You don’t always get what you asked for. My DD’s friend got allocated some at £10,000 a year despite picking cheaper ones.

It's not really "totally avoidable" to spend much less than £200 a week on student housing nowadays. Not all universities have their own halls and private ones are ensuite anyway. Even university halls are becoming very expensive.

@Roobarbtwo Sorry I addressed that above post to the wrong poster.

No worries

I'm way older than your son OP and I have my own home. But as I said previously a lot of young people are choosing to study with the open university because they can study from home and work around it

I just graduated with a degree in criminology and sociology and it was hard work - but it's possibly something you could look into - and the ou don't require students to have previous qualifications

They also allow people under 18 to study with them - it's not the norm but some young people do it

It used to be based on the parent, not household. I.e. a stepparent has no financial obligation to a stepchild (so the DH is not taken into account for the DSS). But, this may have changed in more recent times.

https://researchbriefings.files.parliament.uk/documents/SN00916/SN00916.pdf

House of Commons library report from earlier this month. Data and facts rather than anecdotes from the past. Not that the latter aren’t interesting.

It has changed and funding is based on the household income where the child normally lives.

@Roobarbtwo What student rents a whole flat though? My DDs rented rooms in flats and shared kitchens and bathrooms. A studio flat is self contained snd obviously more expensive. You don’t need to spend £12,000 a year on a flat as a student in Glasgow. Edinburgh is expensive but there are cheaper options.

It's not a whole flat. It's a studio with a bed and a desk. A shower. Bills and WiFi included and a shared kitchen and living room. Studio flats are around 200 pounds a week in Glasgow and Edinburgh. Some will be dearer and some slightly cheaper but in the main they are provided by companies who specialise in student living

You're not actually describing a studio flat there, though, if the kitchen is shared, but an en suite room? This is a common arrangement in many halls of residence, studio flats less so in university owned / managed halls. An actual studio flat would have cooking facilities within the same space for use by the individual tenant only (whether or not there was also a communal 'living room' space available).

That's what the companies who offer them call them

Shame that you didn’t find a man who wasn’t already married with a house and family. He obviously feels guilty for dumping them. You seem to think you can take her husband, house and now her daughter in the larger house the selling of the previous one will allow. You were obviously around as you didn’t agree to the divorce settlement that allowed her to keep her daughter and house till she was 18.
So he moved in with you and your son who he has been helping to also support ever since. And now you plan for her to live with you in the larger house that the selling of the previous family home will allow. Well then it will be your family’s income that will be judged for a loan if that is where she lives. Sounds like her mother might not have a home or a daughter living with her if you have your way after she is 18. You can’t have it all your own way.