Cost of stepdaughter going to uni will stop my son being able to do the same

[Exhaustedbird1]

Just after some views on this please as not sure where to stand my ground and how to make this fair.

For context so no drip feed : Married, have one DS and one DSD. DSD is one year older than DS.
DSD came into my life 5 years ago, I dont have any involvement in raising her (DH has her weekends at his PIL house as we have a tiny house and no space apart from a sofa bed (my house when we met and we cant buy bigger as DH still paying for his exW house until DSD turns 18, live an 1.5 hours away so she gets bored at ours and can't see friends / do hobbies over the weekends if she was at ours so it just works best).

DSD has her heart set on going to uni - I fully support her in her decision as I want her to live her life and follow her dreams. DSD mum says she can't afford to assist with funding DSD at uni (she is low income through choice, works 16 hours a week to get full benefits (those who'll comment how do you know; she proudly told me and said she couldnt imagine having work full time like I do) as DH still pays for half the house and some of the bills under the divorce agreement until DSD turns 18). Our joint income whilst not huge means that me and my DH are likely to have to fund quite a lot of her uni costs. I dont begrudge her this as I love her and want her to succeed in life but here's the kicker....
My son also has his heart set on uni and is a smart kid and needs a degree for what he wants to do in a career. By myself and my DH funding my DSD through uni means there's no way we can afford for my son to go.
To not drip feed, my DS's dad died when he was very young so no financial input from that direction.
My DSD will go to uni, her heart is set and both her parents and I want her to go but where does this leave my DS? I cant save up enough to cover his costs from my income and it just seems so unfair his life choices will be limited by me funding a child who is not biologically mine. I want the best for them both.
How do I make this fair?

It’s based on household income. If your parents are still living together it’s based on both parents income meaning most yp from parents still together don’t get full loan as household income will over £25,000.
If parents are no longer together it’s based on parent they live with plus the parent’s partner if they have one.

If you are in the forty per cent tax bracket your earnings are decent and you are expected to pay more towards the cost of your child studying. This is nothing new. It's always been this way

The problem is that the cost of student accommodation has rocketed

My brother went to uni in 1996 and he paid 500 pounds for the entire year

These days some students are paying a grand a month for student accommodation. I lived at home for one of my degrees and one of my post grads -and for my first post grad it was funded and so was my accommodation

It's getting much harder for students these days - which is a terrible shame

If they do that the girl is at least £6000 a year better off, I don’t see how that’s fair at all.

There definitely is an expectation of parental contribution. Martin Lewis ran a campaign about 5 yrs ago and govt updated it as a result to make the expected parental contribution clearer. If parents won’t or can’t pay they can’t be forced to but it’s clear on paperwork now.

This sucks.
It’s also only fair.
There must be an equitable way that both kids can go to university.
I’m in the US and student loans absolutely crush people, sometimes forever.
President Biden released people from them.
President Trump reinstated them.
For a brief while, people thought they wouldn’t have debt for the rest of their lives.
President Trump made sure they would.
Donald Trump’s father, Fred Trump Sr., paid his way through university - Donald never knew student debt. In fact, Fred bailed Donald out a number of times.

So are loans calculated on expected parental contribution even if the parent is not contributing?

So if a parent elects not to fund their child’s choice to go to uni then that’s just tough luck for that student?

That seems absolutely batshit to me.

Yes - but I was under the impression that stopped with the increase in fees. So that there was no expectation for a parent to be funding a child’s university education.

My son is at university and in his 3rd year. He gets part of the maintenance loan but works part time in Morrisons at weekends. I haven’t had to give him a penny! My daughter should, hopefully, be starting next year. I know it depends on location and contact time on the course - my son is at Newcastle, which will be a lot cheaper than places in the south. Also, the course is 20 hours a week contact time so he usually gets a day off (for study) during the week.

If you need to give them both money, give them 50% each.

It’s why it’s a batshit system. Especially basing it on household income (that certainly was not my case when I applied to uni (athough my mom
and step-dad were not married then.) I was asked for both my parents income and had to also declare my step-dad has not adopted me.

Yes correct.
If parent refuses to give financial info to student finance the yp gets minimum loan £4900 a year in England. Student accommodation alone is usually £7/8000 plus.
If parent provides financial info but can’t or won’t pay their contribution then yp has to make do on the loan they receive. eg single mum nurse or teacher is classed as a high earner and her son or daughter won’t receive full loan. If she hasn’t got the cash to top them up to max loan then it’s tough luck.
How much yp can borrow is entirely dependent on household income of where they live. Income of parent they don’t live with is irrelevant.

Everyone gets min loan.
If parent won’t or can’t top them up to max loan options are
Move in with the other parent if that parent is lower earning to get more loan (my daughter’s friend did this to get max loan - had never lived with her dad before)
Have a gap year and work ft and save.

Try and get a well paid steady pt job at uni to work and study - my dc’s flatmate works nights in McDonalds it pays well but is obviously going to uni on no sleep some days.
Wait until older to go - over 25 parents income is irrelevant or if you’ve been working and self sufficient for 3 years. There’s other exemptions too like if student has got a child of their own or been totally estranged from both parents for over 3 years or an orphan.

". . . we have a tiny house and no space apart from a sofa bed (my house when we met and we cant buy bigger as DH still paying for his exW house until DSD turns 18)"

He is living in YOUR house. Is it yours outright? Do you pay the rent? Mortgage? Lease? Does he pay rent/mortgage/lease? Is it still in your name? Are you letting him slide by, him not paying for his lodging, or does he pay for it? Are you underwriting his payments for child support by absorbing more household costs?

"Our joint income whilst not huge means that me and my DH are likely to have to fund quite a lot of her uni costs."

I suspect you are too generous and you are (rightfully) worried this will impact your son. It absolutely will unless you stand up.

You do not have to fund ANY of his daughter's uni costs. Pay attention; everything your husband earns and you earn in that marriage are joint assets, meaning both of you own them 50/50 unless you have a different agreement. Absent an agreement, it does not matter how much more he makes than you because you are married.

"I cant save up enough to cover his costs from my income and it just seems so unfair his life choices will be limited by me funding a child who is not biologically mine."

What do you mean from "your income?" WHAT? You have a joint income. Unless you don't? Is there an agreement to that effect?

It reads like he is not paying enough for his share of the household expenses. Makes him pay immediately. He does not get to send his daughter to college on your back. On your son's future. You two are 50/50. His daughter going to uni has zero bearing on his household obligations once she ages out of child support unless there is a court order.

If you own your home outright, he still has to pay the costs to live there, otherwise, you are (way) overpaying. Your son deserves that money. No wonder he can afford college for his daughter.

He cannot just give away as much marital money as it takes for his daughter to go to college. You are married, so it's 50/50. Relative income difference is not at work here unless you have a written agreement otherwise.

The money he was paying for his daughter's support all returns to the marriage. He wants to do this, he can, but not at the expense of your marital assets which are 50 percent. He can spend his own money from his 50% portion of marital assets after the joint household obligations have been met.

You should absolutely get advice from a family law specialist if you are co-mingling funds, and assuming his and your incomes are joint to the marriage.

If you want to send your son to uni then get to your feet; stand up for what is yours by right of marriage.

Most students work and save for months before uni and also work during uni and in the holidays.

Apply for all the grants and government help that you can, for both of them.

You don't have to spend a penny of your money on DSD's uni.
Your son will be able to go - particularly if he works for a year after school and while studying.
At least he has a mother with a great work ethic and who owns her own home.

He has fine examples. A DSS who values learning and a DSF who also supports education.
It will work out.

Remember students get high loans now. She should have enough to pay for herself with help like she may need items to cook and a new duvet and set. Sorry if this has been mentioned, I’m exhausted (look at the time of the post, been wrapping). I paid for everything myself at uni when you got lower loans, I graduated in 2004 with honours. Your DIL needs to take a year out if you cannot afford to send them both. If she complains, she can fund herself. She’s 18 and it’s time her reaction to financial news is taken into account and if necessary penalised.

Remember students get high loans now

Hmm...

https://blog.moneysavingexpert.com/2025/09/five-student-need-to-knows/

And it's worth noting this situation has got worse for two reasons...
a) The maximum living loan available has not kept up with inflation in recent years (something I wrote to the last Tory and current Labour Chancellors about to try to get change on – so far I’ve failed).

b) The family income threshold at which English maintenance loans start to get reduced has been flat at £25,000/yr since the 2008/2009 academic year. Yet in that time we have had 64% (CPI) inflation. So much so now £25,000 isn't far from minimum wage for one earner, but this is a FAMILY income assessment. It means far far fewer students get the full living loan.

As much as you clearly care - not your child - not your problem. You do not sacrifice your child's future for your DSD. Strikes me your husband doesn't have much input with DSD other than financially - and as the other's have said any funding and bursary's are calculated on main household which is not yours. You are NOT responsible for this child.

Your husband should be supporting you in this.

I appreciate that you want to help and, again like others have said, if this is an issue then yes, both children take a gap year, they work, they fund themselves with perhaps a small amount of support from all of you (including her mother!)!

I assume that DSD is almost 18 and will be by the time she reaches university - which will mean the financial scales will be balanced quite differently. That money can be invested or shared more equally.

Moreover, please don't be taking responsibility because you are a higher earner, for a child that you rarely see and don't have maternal attachments to over your own child. That would be unforgivable and I think you already know this!

Your step child should get funded for uni. Seeing the step daughter lives with her mam.. Plus what your husband pays out don't leave much for your house hold. When it comes to your son to go uni, they take into account what you've got coming in and believe me he also will get funded. They'll get enough to cover for uni fees and enough to cover for shared flat with other kids. You can earn more than you think..ours went to uni and we filled in this form in line to apply for the money to go to our kids and they went uni all 3 of them. I wish your kids look into their new life.

Please can everyone stop saying “not your child not your problem” while failing to see that the amount her DS will be able to borrow will be based on the household income, it will assume that the OP’s DH will pay towards her DS as they live in the same house. So if the OP DH commits his money towards supporting his DD and can not help her DS, and the OP can’t afford to cover that herself, her DS will not be able to borrow the money.

so the OP needs to get involved and discuss this now before financial decisions are made that tie up all of her DHs spare money helping his DD meaning there’s no money for DS. And if her DH won’t view both children as needing support from him, then he needs to leave so the OPs DS will be treated as a child of a single parent household.

As the OPs StepDaughter is a year older, it’s definitely worth having the conversations now before she gets a certain level of support for first year that can’t be matched on later years or th OP agrees to move to a bigger house they can’t afford and support both children.

"They'll get enough to cover for uni fees and enough to cover for shared flat with other kids".
Well, the DS will qualify for a loan for tuition, as does everyone.
He will not get enough to cover accommodation, it sounds like they will get the minimum loan which is almost £5000. As OP is a higher rate tax payer it is unlikely that the joint household income is less than £62000, therefore minimum loan applies.

Prioritise
your
own
son.

I wouldn’t be selling up or moving or doing anything at all. I’d focus on getting your son into university and that’s it.

If you turn yourself inside out and move house and let your stepdaughter move in with you, she might not even qualify for any grants
or loans if she is living with her dad?

Stay where you are, concentrate on your son and put your foot down hard if your husband is expecting you to subsidise his daughters education. Don’t do it and expect it to all work out. It won’t. You have been made a fool
of, and used and promises have been made that were not kept. You need to back your son at all costs.

All the children use their student loans and get a job to support them while there like most other students.
Why do you think it will cost you money?

Does he not pay maintenance? As surely that money goes to his dd and helps at uni?
And... can't they sell the home at age 18?

I worked all through uni ( twice). I had no help from any other sources and maxed out on loans.

Exactly this and why is DSDs mum just ignoring the situation as though it's nothing to do with her.