Disappointed he didn't get a first.

[UserM6]

I know a 2:1 is fine but I'm sad he didn't come out with more from his time.
He didn't join any societies. Doesn't drink so never really went to the SU and largely stayed in in studying
He says he made friends on his course but no one he's talked about/been to visit/ go on holiday with etc.
Stayed in crap accommodation in his first year 2 and 3rd year lived with the one mate from bloody school. Had a girlfriend throughout (his first ) who he spent his weekends with. She's graduating in 2 years and going abroad next year

He doesn't even want a job in his degree but doesn't know what else to do.

I've stayed positive for him but it seems like a largely wasted time. I feel bad for thinking like this but he's my one and only 🙁.

You’ve stayed positive for him?
I’d hate to see you when you’re being negative!

@Lostworlds ok that is actually reassuring.

I think all of the comments have been helpful. Although I note many people recalling their own or kids experience have said they got a 2:1 and also said all the other things they got out of uni( friends, holidays, met their partners) or that they had a poor experience but got a first. Which was my point really.

Again I totally accept my parenting will be part of the issue. I still want him to be happy and I worry he won't. It is as some have pointed out a long game so I will stay optimistic that he will get the life he wants and deserves.

Has he said he was unhappy there? Maybe he feels his experience was what he expected. You are measuring it by your expectations. With respect it’s not about you.

@UserM6as someone who done a vocational course (advanced diploma and topped up to degree when qualifying as a nurse and got a shock horror 2:2) didn’t get the long uni holidays (had 8 weeks per year) while doing uni work and working full time on placement. I didn’t get the uni experience you are envisioning.
I also married my first boyfriend who I had been with since I was 14. Now we’re 36 and very happy, both got decent jobs (both related to our degrees), had a mortgage for 12 years, got a beautiful daughter.

He’s finished uni and got a 2:1 and that’s fantastic. He’s got a girlfriend who he is content with. He seems to be content! What’s the matter with that?

If I was your daughter would you be
disappointed/ashamed of me?
I’m glad we have parents who are proud of us.

I understand how you fell op if that’s any comfort but everyone else is right: your son is doing very well and you should make sure he thinks you are proud of him.

The general consensus when I was at Uni was a 2:1 was preferable to a First for many reasons.

You should be really happy for him but it sounds like you don't like him much.

This. I know if someone who died by suicide at uni. I know others who became very mentally ill. Some dropped out. Others got into drink and drugs. Be proud of your son.

Oh and I got a shit degree and had a shit time, seriously, it could be worse.

It may not have been his time. My life is lovely now, still quiet, still with the same bloke, done really well for myself but my degree didn't shape me. A more supportive DM would have been helpful tho, for me and probably for him too.

You really don't need to be. Nor does he. A 2.1 is perfectly respectable. It's a good degree. Loads of people get a 2.1 and it doesn't hold them back at all. Even if he wanted to get into academia he could progress to an MA/MSc with a 2.1.

Try not to worry too much about him having had a quiet time at uni. People develop at different ages and stages. You'd have felt a lot worse, with far more cause, if he'd been out partying and got a 3rd, or dropped out, or taken loads of drugs, or worked so hard to get a first that he had a breakdown. I know parents and young adults who all these things have happened to, and they are far harder to come back from that a quiet time and a good but not stellar result!

I'd suggest he allows himself a fun summer - a bit of adventure. Maybe he could get a seasonal job, do some OLD, save up to go on holiday - if no one from uni is close, he could join a 20s singles holiday or an under 30s adventure holiday or sign up to learn windsurfing or similar somewhere new to him.

He has his whole life to make friends, find love, decide what career he wants. What he's just done is get a very good degree and come out of uni unscathed. He and you should celebrate that and be very very proud.

Edited to say - sorry I misread post about girlfriend and didn't realise he was still with her - another massively positive thing if they are happy. Please ignore suggestions of OLD!

A degree is just a stepping stone into a graduate programme. No one will care when he's in a job. He got a 2:1? That's great.

Omg he's done really well and you're disappointed. You need to take a look at yourself.

Just to say me and my husband met at uni, first year and are each others one and only...

I think you’re getting a hard time here OP.
We all have feelings that we’re not especially proud of. So long as you are quite sure you are NOT letting on to him that you feel this way, there is no harm in you verbalising your disappointment on an anonymous forum. It’s all very well saying “ah but it could be worse, he could have got a 3rd/ crashed out of uni/ killed himself” but I’m sure you’re well aware of his comparative success . It’s just not what you wanted him to get out of his time there.

however life doesn’t go to plan and we can’t live vicariously through them (which I am sure is harder advice to follow with an only child. But you really must.) He is your boy and he is a great one from how you describe him. You can’t change the past so I think you need to deal with your disappointment and move on. Be very careful if offering guidance on next steps that you give support and not control. He’s an adult now.
I mean this kindly, but I would consider some therapy where you can talk in a safe space about your feelings around parenting a young adult and letting go of expectations.

Your parenting right now impacts on his happiness. Stop navel-gazing about the past and bemoaning his future.

You need to find some perspective and insight into your negativity about him and your lack of trust in him to create a life he wants, whatever you might think of it.

Listen to the posters who don't agree with you or fit your narrative. And count your fucking blessings.

That is a truly enormous achievement. Addiction recovery is one of the hardest things imaginable.

My sibling is now almost two years down the road. It's been a long one, and the fear of relapse is never far away. But he looks 15 years younger and I feel for the first time in years I have my brother back.

I'm prouder of him for that than I was of myself when I got my doctorate. My life didn't depend upon passing that viva. His - when he made the decision to follow medical advice and break his addiction - did.

Jesus H Christ OP. You have manged in one post to take me back 30 odd years.
Within minutes of receiving my university offer my Mum was on the phone to her friend whining “well it’s only just a university, it’s an old poly you know, but she’s pleased with herself”.
Then when I got a 2:1, again on the phone to the same friend…”she scraped a 2:1, if she’d only applied herself she’d have got a first”.

Get over yourself OP seriously!

For God's sake OP. University isn't a shallow, middle class finishing school where everyone parties hard, drinks themselves stupid and meets their spouse.

For most people it is about developing as a person, moving away from their parents expectations, it's about the learning, and understanding themselves which it sounds as though your ds has done.

Congratulate him on his success and let him sort himself out. He's a grown up.

@UserM6 you know when a newly engaged woman is talking about her wedding non-stop and eventually someone needs to point out that nobody cares about her wedding as much as she does? It’s the same with kids. A very small percentage of adult children will revolutionise the world. Sure, there will be someone’s kid who is a doctor that finds a cure to cancer and is also an Olympic gold medal holder but most of us are not getting that. You’re going to get a very average adult who goes to work, pays the bills, has relationships and maybe they end. The success is in having a well-rounded, adult child who is generally a good person. And that is absolutely fine. More than fine actually.

Your son sounds like my husband. I’m his first and only girlfriend. I’m currently planning what to do for our tenth wedding anniversary. He didn’t get a job in his degree area because the pay was low, hours were unsocial and there were no jobs in that area when we graduated. I stayed in my degree area and earn half of what he does. He’s got a good job, he’s polite. He’s generally what people hope their children grow up to be. Oh, except he got a 2.2 instead of a 2.1 or a first but it’s had absolutely no bearing on his life whatsoever.

Have you spoken to him about how he feels about his grads and his uni experience?

I see nothing there to be disappointed about. The only thing I could think of that would make you feel that way would be that you were trying to relive your own youth through him. I think you maybe were disappointed with your 2:1 and wanted your DC to have a first so you could celebrate and brag about it.

I got a 2:1, and I remember my dad saying "well, it's not a first, but it's not too bad". This was from a man who hated anything academic and left school as soon as he could. Talk about damning with faint praise. A 2:1 is a very respectable result and represents hard work. And just because the OP thinks her son was doing nothing socially during his time there doesn't mean he was...

You do know you can read ALL my posts right?

You are an incredibly negative person. How miserable.

Poor lad.
If she was clearly the right one for them i would be more than happy if one of my 2 sons married their 1st girlfriend.
You should read back what you have written you come across as someone quite bitter, i truly hope your son doesn't get the slightest whiff of what you think about him.

“Everyone gets a 2:1? No they don’t, or at least in my day they didn’t. And what’s wrong with marrying the first serious girlfriend? I feel so incredibly sorry for your son with such a critical, negative mother. I’m sure you’re not really like this so give yourself a shake and pull your socks up