Disappointed he didn't get a first.

[UserM6]

I know a 2:1 is fine but I'm sad he didn't come out with more from his time.
He didn't join any societies. Doesn't drink so never really went to the SU and largely stayed in in studying
He says he made friends on his course but no one he's talked about/been to visit/ go on holiday with etc.
Stayed in crap accommodation in his first year 2 and 3rd year lived with the one mate from bloody school. Had a girlfriend throughout (his first ) who he spent his weekends with. She's graduating in 2 years and going abroad next year

He doesn't even want a job in his degree but doesn't know what else to do.

I've stayed positive for him but it seems like a largely wasted time. I feel bad for thinking like this but he's my one and only 🙁.

You know you can reply to specific posts, right? Otherwise no one has a clue what you're talking about.

I had a shit time, have no friends from uni I’m still in touch with, got a 2.1, don’t do anything to do with my degree.
I married a lovely man, have wonderful DC, fantastic group of friends and make much better money than I would if I had pursued something related to my degree. Uni isn’t this amazing experience for everyone - and ultimately, it’s three years of your life. In the words of Elsa, let it gooooo and hopefully your lad will find his place in the world now.

Whatever you believe makes a good experience is just that. Your son is not you.
Just because you wanted him to join clubs, have loads of mates, live with new people that’s not him, that’s your dream.

36% on average go to Uni and of that approx 46% get a 2:1
So ( and I’m just doing an approx head count here based on most recent figures )

Your son OP is one of the 16% of all 18yr olds who both go on to Uni and get a 2:1
Id say it’s time to celebrate and allow your son to run his own social life.

You sound like the mother who inspired the Alanis Morissette song 'Perfect'
Do you always turn positives into negatives? Do you ever feel happy or do you focus on what's missing rather than all that you have? Honestly I think you should find a therapist to talk to.

Sorry but you need a good kick in the arse. Well done to your son. Please God he won't pick up on your unfounded disappointment.

@UserM6 From someone who received a first- a first is absolutely meaningless and does nothing to affect job prospects.

@DoubleShotEspresso how awful! I really feel for you, do you still speak to her?!

And yet your post is disappointment that he didn’t get a first.

So if he had got a first, you wouldn’t have been bothered about the lack of friends and lack of experience?

Poor kid. Your focus is all wrong.

Son met first girlfriend, first week at university. Six months in first COVID lockdown came home. Second year second COVID lockdown stayed at university with girlfriend. They both got a 2:1 with honours. Now been together six years.

My DH thinks he should have had fun, different girlfriends, COVID decided otherwise. They seem happy enough when they visit.

The amount of students I teach who believe that only a first will do or otherwise it is all pointless has grown massively over the years. Firsts are not meant to be for everyone, they are meant to be an exception not an expectation. Classifications need to be changed root and brach as they have become devalued due to these mad expectations and universities being judged on how many they hand out.Your son has done very well, he's got a degree and a respectable 2:1 which is a great result. You need to have a word with yourself.

I think really this is down to how you’re framing it in your own mind, OP. Because you’re aware he didn’t do a whole bunch of social stuff or partying and you’re a bit worried about what that means, if he’d got a First, you would have said to yourself ‘oh but he worked really hard and came out with a First’…but you can’t do that now.

Bluntly, as many others have said on this thread, you do need to get over yourself a bit. My eldest is off to uni in the autumn and he’s his own person - whatever this means for academic grades, relationships or social life. I’ve got mates who dropped out of uni. One had a drug problem, another developed awful mental health problems and was sectioned - situations where the parents truly did have something to be ‘sad’ about. As long as my kids are broadly happy, I’ll be happy.

and finally, in all my years since university, I don’t think ANYONE has ever asked me what grade I got on my degree!

He has a very good degree qualification and maybe he doesn't mind that he doesn't socialize a huge amount. Duh...

My parents were each other's first relationship and were married for 57 years after three years of dating until my dad died last year and my son is marrying his first proper boyfriend next year so not a worry really. Your son could play the field and marry a horrible bitch!

The thread has moved on by now but:

I wouldn't worry if he'd had a brilliant time but clearly it was very much "ok"

Seriously? What the fuck is wrong with being OK? There are millions of people who would give anything for things to be OK. Don't make perfect the enemy of good.

I get it. You want it to be the defining experience of their young lives. You want them to join the societies and make the most of everything.

Our eldest did the bare minimum in terms of study at uni. Did his diss in 2 weeks flat of pulling all nighters at the library. Got a good 2:1, could easily have got a first if he’d tried. But he had the time of his life. Didn’t join a single club or society, but made incredible friends (and partied very hard), some of whom he now lives with in London. Got a great grad job, had his master’s sponsored.

Next one, also did little work. Slightly more than his brother. Also got a 2:1. Also had the best time ever. Also seemed to party rather than make any worthwhile contribution. Now has a grad job in a completely unrelated field. But he wouldn’t have got the job without a degree.

I’m just pleased they enjoyed it. They both have friends that dropped out or found it stressful.

In my profession, we ask for a 2:1 as a minimum entry requirement. So don’t regret that he has this. Be proud of him.

This
You really need to reframe your thought process OP for the sake of your son.
Your disappointment is palpable which is hugely detrimental to your son's wellbeing OP

And by the way I got a 2:2 and managed gainful employment ever since. It's not a death sentence.

I’m actually dumbfounded that your son is clearly doing very well in life, but you’re worried about him.

Makes no sense to me, what so ever.

See this is the thing. There is this view. Firstly, I went to uni waaaay back in the day when a half of cider in the union bar was 24p. I drank a lot, met lots of people, went to parties, didn’t do much work (hence the 2;2). But even though I met some people who became friends, I never had a "big group" of friends. And tho most of them came to my wedding 12 years later, I have barely seen most of them since. Is that on me? partly. We are all a bit far-flung.

I think the idea that uni is where you make a huge group of best friends for life is mistaken. Yes, for some, for sure; for others, their good group of friends may come later, perhaps if they have children and meet a gang of other parents, or take up a hobby later in life. Or it may never happen. Not everyone wants a big gang of mates. Also I do think it is harder today to get together with a gang of mates – so many things are online. And yet there is this pressure to have a Insta full of wacky pix of you and your mates.

Yes it’s sad if people are alone and have no friends and wish they did. But not making loads of friends at uni does not mean you will always be lonely. In any case some people prefer to have just a few good mates.

ETA: aargh sorry to keep saying "gang of mates" about 53 times!

The question is - is he happy ?

i havent read all your updates but his experience sounds exactly like mine. I didn’t enjoy uni that much socially but I got a high 2:1. I was glad to leave. I did come out with a husband though so there’s that! I don’t know why you are worried about his girlfriend. 30 years later I’m still with my DH!

no one cares whether you got a 1st or a 2:1. After about 5 years no one even asks what degree I got.

He’ll be fine- new beginnings and new opportunities

Ps one the most successful friends of mine got a 3rd!

he probably has some idea that he is a disappointment. i'd honestly work on what thatt is about for you .. maybe you are disappointed in all the things you might have done in your own life but havent'? many people go to uni and don't do drink, drugs and rock and roll. its still an important experience and transition and learning for young people.
hope you can work through what it is that's got to you about his life as that doesn't sound like a place that's good for you or him. not sure i'm wording it welll, but sending best wishes as i know it's a transition time for parents too - time to let go and see what they become and how they fare .. with all you gave them. he sounds like he's doing ok at a very difficult time in the world.

One might wonder why he doesn’t feel confident to make friends and join societies 🧐

its always better to presme could of done better but for me on the flip side it was surviving that was the main focus

Congrats to your son, a 2.1 degree is great! He’s worked hard and earned it. He has developed a huge amount of skills from the degree process.
I just wanted to offer a couple of points to consider. I don’t think as many students at uni today enjoy it in quite the same way as a few decades ago. It seems to be far more competitive with lots of self comparison, imposter syndrome, parental pressure and social media distraction. A lot of focus on the grade and worry about uni costs, job prospects and general cost of living going forward. A lot less drinking, but lots of studying late and not sleeping, all contributing to high anxiety and stress. Your DS to me sounds like he’s done really well. Got a great degree, maintained a friendship and developed his relationship with his girlfriend. Living in a dive is often part of the student experience!
A degree doesn’t mean you necessarily know your next step. It’s ok to pause and try different things til he works it out. In fact it’s probably more healthy to actually think carefully about what he wants to do rather than take the obvious next step and potentially get locked into something that isn’t really for him. I understand the worry but the aim is for him to be well and developing skills and knowledge and it looks like he’s doing all of that.

From someone who has never been good enough for my parents, even my First class degree, please do not give him an inkling that you feel this way about his grade. Low self esteem stays with you and it will affect how he sees himself for the rest of his life.

The 2:1 is excellent; he sounds level headed, stable and now he has a fabulous degree. Be a proud mum, he’s done so well.

Perhaps you should return to university and try and get a First ? Just a thought.