Disappointed he didn't get a first.

[UserM6]

I know a 2:1 is fine but I'm sad he didn't come out with more from his time.
He didn't join any societies. Doesn't drink so never really went to the SU and largely stayed in in studying
He says he made friends on his course but no one he's talked about/been to visit/ go on holiday with etc.
Stayed in crap accommodation in his first year 2 and 3rd year lived with the one mate from bloody school. Had a girlfriend throughout (his first ) who he spent his weekends with. She's graduating in 2 years and going abroad next year

He doesn't even want a job in his degree but doesn't know what else to do.

I've stayed positive for him but it seems like a largely wasted time. I feel bad for thinking like this but he's my one and only 🙁.

I just posted about maybe asking my 19 year old son to leave my home. I totally understand why you might be disappointed that he didn’t live a little more and I really don’t understand why you’re being bashed this much as it doesn’t sound like you’ve openly been disappointed but try and remember all the skills he will have learnt being away from home, they’ll make him a better person, husband and Dad etc so try not to worry. A 2:1 is pretty good as well and most employers will be impressed x

Oh my god of course it’s fine to marry your first and only! You need to change your attitude and stop projecting onto your wonderful son.

As someone else said, what class of degree did you achieve at university?

I think you're projecting your own feelings about what uni should be onto him somewhat. Not everyone wants the kind of experience you describe. Also, his personality is just who he is. It's not shaped by you as much as you think. My two children have quite different personalities. Only my eldest has been to uni so far, his experience was very sociable, lots of friends, met his girlfriend, far too many drunken antics (which I worried about when he described them to me). Still keeps in touch with a lot of people.
My youngest is applying this year. But he doesn't like big groups or parties, he doesn't like drinking and seems perfectly happy staying at home most of the time. He's actually looking forward to uni though. If your son went to lots of parties and got drunk all the time he might have hated his experience. Because people are different.
He's done really well and has a lovely girlfriend, who makes him happy. That's the main thing.

What did you get on YOUR degree? What do you now do for work?

So, he:

Went to university when he's likely quite introverted

Found his first love

Has a really good friend he has shared this with

Got a good degree

University is another stepping off point, career wise. He would have built valuable skills both academically and personally. It sounds like he has created a solid foundation for the rest of his life.

Can't you see how amazing this is?

I think you are projecting OP. You DS maybe had exactly the uni experience he wanted. He sounds a level headed young chap, who anyone bar you would be thrilled to have as a DC.
His grade was good and it is such a shame you just can't be proud and happy for him. I think it is you who has the problem not your DS.
Can you imagine how he would feel if he read this?

I had friends at uni but they weren’t friends I socialised with outside of uni.
I had a boyfriend throughout uni- knew him from school, I was his first girlfriend.
I was over the moon to graduate with a 2:1 honours degree.
I also decided during my studies that I didn’t want to continue with this career path when I finished uni.

Now I am happily married to the same boyfriend, have beautiful children and a lovely home. I work in a different career and really enjoy what I do. I have a group of friends I can meet up with and rely on.

Sometimes uni isn’t the same experience for everyone but it doesn’t mean it was a wasted experience. I think you need to be more positive that he went and did what he wanted to do at the time, he’s still so young and has plenty of opportunities and time to travel but most importantly meet a group of friends that works for him and brings him out of his shell.

I married my first and only we were happy together for 37 years until he died.

I mean the horror.....he doesn't drink and stayed in studying......next stop hell!

Oi, not everyone gets a 2:1...I got a third (with honours too...!)

So I graduated 6 years ago. I only have one friend I’m still in touch with from then and I didn’t meet them through uni (they’re older than me and met in hydrotherapy, she was recently a bridesmaid at my wedding) 😂 quality not quantity!

I graduated with a 2:2. I also had some horrid living situations. But I learnt what I’m passionate about and what I’m not, I learnt how to be a good friend and the types of people I don’t want as friends, I learnt to take care of myself and how to be a good flatmate. I learnt way beyond what the course taught me. I am disabled - this progressed at uni. I didn’t do holidays with friends and my social life was okay but often I couldn’t drink or stay out long due to my health. I still learnt loads about myself and about life, just in a different way! im sure your son has too, it’s a shame you’re not more proud of him simply for managing to graduate and take care of himself for the first time in his life.

As a side note, I had a few non-serious teen romances before meeting my husband (who hadn’t had any relationships prior to me) at 16. We stayed together through uni and got married just after our 12th anniversary last year. We have 0 regrets.

But how do you know he didn’t have a good time? I don’t still speak to any of my friends from University. My secondary school group was and still is much closer and that’s the same for most of us. It’s normal for Uni friendships to fade as most people move away and it’s harder to stay in touch.

He has a long term friend he gets on well enough to have lived with, a girlfriend and he got a 2.1.

WTAF do you want from him?

Just because you don’t know he was out at all night ragers doesn’t mean he isn’t going to do well in life. You sound like you’re only interested in how the 2.1 makes you look. I feel sorry for him. Where’s his Dad in all this?

I’d be so proud if my sons were like this! She even said she would be ok if he had a better uni experience but got worse grades, it’s truly baffling!

Would you rather he have flunked out? Slept about? Got addicted to drugs?

Are you for real? I know so many who married their first boyfriend and are very happily married. Stop being so narrow minded and only seeing the glass as half full. Your perspective is seriously warped.

Hi OP,

I really think you need to adjust your perspective. A 2:1 is amazing and if he has a steady girlfriend who is nice and a good friend from school then that is a brilliant life.

Have you considered getting some therapy? I think that he sounds fine, but maybe you are struggling a bit?

You seem to be looking for trouble anywhere you can winkle it out.

He has a "gorgeous person" for a girlfriend and you are worrying away at it like a terrier and looking for something negative. For what it's worth of my 3 AC, 2 met their spouses when they were 16 and17 and they were their first relationships. Both couples weathered the university separations and both are now happily married with young children of their own.

I cannot believe that you are looking for problems like a misery-seeking missile. It is quite incredible.

Your son is his own man and has done it all his own way - good for him.

I am not being funny, but are you quite well. This sort of inability to find good in anything is a symptom of depression. I am not saying this is what you have, but it is certainly rather concerning that you cannot see what you are doing here.

I really do think you have to do some serious thinking about how you are feeling because it is illogical and damaging, both to you and to him.

And if you'd had a child who couldn't or didn't want to get a degree?

Poor kid😔

Many kill themselves - i think you exaggerate offensively to make fuck knows what point. Students have always killed themselves at university as well as in the general population.

University should be about expanding minds, new experiences, learning to be independent. I can totally understand why a decent parent, such as OP, would be worried about their DC. Their DC doesn't seem to have gained much from the experience. I have a similar college-educated child who is still totally dependent on parents. Its awful and not due to effort on my part to encourage independence. I've told mine tonight I am away for one night later this month and they are responsible for the pets that evening. Their response, what is in [for food]? I've replied 2 full Freezers , one full fridge and two full cupboards, what more do you need? I've taught them how to cook 5 basic meals, they refuse to practice or cook for the family. Luckily(?) We dont live in an area with takeaways so thats not become a default option.

5 years ago my eldest two DSs graduated, and with worse results than they wanted. They were very disappointed, but I felt so relieved and proud, particularly given my eldest DS had a disability. I told them, " if you don't want to celebrate, I do. I am going to sing and have a lovely time." They cheered up. My eldest DS was worried for a while that as he hadn't passed a module , he might end up without a degree, but it was sorted. I was so stressed about it and thought this was our biggest problem. Half a year later we lost our dear boy. I had to rethink some values and attitudes.

Jesus wept.

Everyone definitely does not get a 2:1

You really need to reassess how you feel. You are spoiling this fantastic achievement. Be very proud not disappointed.

I think that you need to stop think your son will do what expected and respect he is own person.

Hes doing well in life so far, be proud

With a mother who is never satisfied. His self esteem is probably on the floor.

poor lad. The graduate recruitment market is dire at the moment. So maybe paint a smile on and pretend you find him amazing

This is really sad… I feel sorry for him.

You keep saying you want him to be happy.. but unless I’m missing something, you haven’t actually said that this isn’t the case? It’s just about how you feel. You haven’t actually said how he feels about it at all.
Maybe consider that he is happy with this, and that’s all that matters