Disappointed he didn't get a first.

[UserM6]

I know a 2:1 is fine but I'm sad he didn't come out with more from his time.
He didn't join any societies. Doesn't drink so never really went to the SU and largely stayed in in studying
He says he made friends on his course but no one he's talked about/been to visit/ go on holiday with etc.
Stayed in crap accommodation in his first year 2 and 3rd year lived with the one mate from bloody school. Had a girlfriend throughout (his first ) who he spent his weekends with. She's graduating in 2 years and going abroad next year

He doesn't even want a job in his degree but doesn't know what else to do.

I've stayed positive for him but it seems like a largely wasted time. I feel bad for thinking like this but he's my one and only 🙁.

This is a success. Celebrate it.

God what a load of over exaggerated post. The problem with these threads is it just takes the first person to reply having a dig at the poster, then the rest of you become a sheep and want to follow in putting another parent down

How about posters saying what they actually think to be the case?

You don't say anything. It isn't your life, it is your sons. He is not you and how he chooses to live his life is up to him.

My university experience wasn't what I thought it would be. I was desperate to move away from my parents, I picked a degree in a subject I thought would please my family and finally earn me praise. Only I realised I hated it and was so far out of my depth, I switched courses at the end of 1st year and started again, panicked picked a course again that I thought would win me approval....and was miserable. I had no friends, I had a part-time job to make ends meet as I got zero financial support from my parents.

I spent most of my time with my boyfriend who I'd met on my first week because I am an introvert, I tried the partying and hated it, I am not a social person. I dropped out of university entirely and took up a full-time position where I'd worked part-time.

My mother told me I was a disappointment that I didn't finish university and it has alway stuck with me...jokes on her because that part-time job turned into a career where I became successful and earned more money than I ever would have in either degree I hoped for and that was the moment my need to seek her approval vanished. Oh and that boyfriend I met in my first week, we've been together nearly 20 years and is now my DH.

Leave your son alone. The fact he doesn't want to work in that subject is very telling. Let him live his own life without judgment from you.

Meh, I had a fairly ho-hum college life and am not in touch with a single college friend from those days. But I have friends from so many other times in my life and am far from a loner. What I got out of my degree was a high 2.1 degree which I leveraged into the life I have now, great summers working and having fun and a great ability to read widely, synthesise and critically evaluate material. Life is long with many facets, college is presented in popular culture as this 'time of your life' period - it certainly is for some and good luck to them. But if it isn't there isn't necessarily anything wrong with a person.

She a very beautiful 20 year old girl who will be studying at an Italian Uni for a year.

I know we all go through heartbreak but if they did split up, he really has no support network at all. Men and boys have pretty rubbish mental health.

Getting a 2:1 is good though. You're making it sound like a failure when it's not!

I think appreciate what you have. If he’d never had a girlfriend you’d be upset about that, but now you’re upset because she’s his first. If he hadn’t gone to uni or got a 2:2, you’d be upset about that but now you’re upset because he got a 2:1.

There’s always the next thing to be sad about

Absolutely this!

Also for what it’s worth, on my degree the people with 2:1s actually ended up with better careers than most of those who got firsts.

We're awaiting results for my elder DS and I will be disappointed if he doesn't get a first. But disappointed for him,* not in *him, because he has worked so bloody hard and I'd like to see his efforts bear fruit. I'll certainly be making a big fuss of him if he gets a 2:1 though as it's a very creditable result.
He's not hugely enjoyed his wider University experience though. He's very shy and hasn't exactly thrown himself into student life or warmed to living in a big city. I can't help feeling a bit sad about that as it's a big contrast to my own student experience as well as that of my DH and our younger son who has really embraced everything his University and city have to offer. I think DS2 made more friends in his first 3 weeks at University than DS1 did in his 3 years. But the thing is, they're different people, with different interests and personalities. I would like DS1 to have enjoyed his student years a bit more, but I'm proud he stepped outside his comfort zone and at least tried a different lifestyle. I know he has enjoyed his actual studies, but a lot of the other things that are typically viewed as indicative of a good student experience really are of no interest to him. If he'd gone to another University or stayed at home and done a degree apprenticeship I doubt things would have been any different. He'd still have worked hard and continued with his largely solitary hobbies and had a small group of friends. That's who he is.
I do have some sympathy with how you're feeling OP but we can't make our children into something they are not and have to accept that our idea of happiness/success is not necessarily their's. My elder son is never going to be the charming extrovert that is his little brother but he has his own talents and many positive attributes. My boys have had very different student experiences to date but I would never think either was "a waste". They've got different strengths and will have gained different things from their time as students.

I get it. Perhaps life for him hasn’t turned out the way you imagined or hoped and you’re disappointed for him rather than with him. He hasn’t experienced any other life so may be more co tented than you think. Just continue to be a supportive mum and guiding him to take opportunities or be there when and if the s*it hits the fan. Perhaps he’ll find his tribe at work or do further studying or travelling.

@UserM6 One of my DC aimed for a 1st and was disappointed they didn't get one. Like your DC they chose to do fewer societies to do more academic work. They worked so hard but were at a Uni where over 80% of the degree result was based on one week of exams in the last year. They had had A levels cancelled due to Covid and so the finals was their first public closed book exams since GCSEs 6 years before. In 2 of these exams they lost track of time and only answered 2 of the 3 essays . After lots of tears they pretty much over night developed a better strategy and the other exams went well. So to have got a high 2.1 was an amazing achievement. I am so proud of them.

It took DC quite a while to come to terms with the result even though neither myself or DH ever suggested they should be targeting a first and were delighted with their 2.1. They had had lots of pressure from one tutor. Another lovely tutor we chatted to at graduation said DC's result is in no way a barrier to further research and they would be delighted to write a reference.

Within 2 months of graduation DC got a great job on the basis of their dissertation field work and other voluntary work. Yes a 1st would have been the cherry on the cake for DC but the cake is very fine without a cherry. And now the rawness has faded for DC and they have more perspective. And DC a year on is thriving despite not having the time of their life at uni - if remaining somewhat over conscientious!

30 years ago when I was at Uni many fewer got first maybe <10% - now it is more like 30-40% so the feeling of failure is perhaps higher for those bright high achieving students. Do remember that still means 60-70% students don't get firsts. All these are in the main good well intentioned young people who will live kind purposeful lives over the next 60-70 years, Uni is only a blip. For some it is life defining socially or academically - for many many others it is other experiences that are more significant.

Good luck to you and your son - and I wish him well in his next stage. He will have learnt so much at Uni whatever career he chooses

There's 20 and 18 years between my first two and the youngest. The first two had a lively time at university to say the least. They worked and played hard. As did their friends. The youngest a different generation really are really quite boring.

At secondary they were pretty compliant, they didn't really have girlfriends but played sport. His best friend started dating at 14 ten years later they're still together, went to the same university. Both got jobs in London. Another friend has bought a house with his long term partner at 23. They've two dogs and enjoy camping.

Husband said this generation are really boring. They've never really lived. Been daft. They eat healthily, drink sensibly. Work hard.

OP I understand where you're coming from, my eldest is a loner too, with hit and miss academic performance. You're not ungenerous for worrying.

Isn't the most important thing now choosing a career? I've lost contact with many uni friends bur made goid friends during earky years onbthe job.

And yes, do celebrate his degree.

Maybe you are not aware of what he got up to?!

Wow. Sounds like my wonderful son who I am extremely proud of. Not everyone goes to university to get drunk and stoned. You can do that at home. I hope he moves out soon and makes a life away from your judgmental ways.

Uni life just isn't for some people, and that's ok so long as he is happy in what he is doing. Help him to find his people, even if only 1/2. Does he have any interests he might be able to utilise to meet people? Poetry, drama, art, history, gaming? There are groups and workshops that might help him to meet people he clicks with.

Some people are old souls and dont want to do the whole young person thing of going out drinking etc.
Try not to worry @UserM6 easier said than done, I know, but trust that he will find a life that works for him

I don’t mean to be rude, but maybe he had to work that hard just in order to get the 2:1? Or he might have just missed the cut off for a 1st despite his hard work, unfortunately someone has to.

He’s learnt to cope in a new social environment away from home, living semi- independently, plus had the challenge of the different type of independent learning needed to get a degree (which learning style can be very different from A Level depending on subject). So he might have also been expending a lot of mental effort/stress on those things as well as the pure “academic work” as such - but they are all things that will stand him in good stead in life.

Would you have been happier if he’d had a more active social life but only got a 2:2? Imo too many people idealise what they think of as “the University Experience” and it sounds a bit like you do too. I understand both you and he are upset that he didn’t get a 1st after he felt he really put in the effort, but it doesn’t at all mean that his time and effort at University has been wasted.

Poor poor kid.

Tell him I’m really proud of him.

I think they are the COVID generation. Daresay there will be studies down the years detailing what difference it made to their formative years academically and socially. I felt desperately sorry for my son and friends who were locked away for so long.

He isn't you. You may have done it all very differently but he did it the way that suited him and he has decades of life ahead of him, 3 years at uni is hardly the be all and end all of existence.

This.

Wow. A first is really very very hard to get. He got a 2:1 which is excellent and means he can do anything he want, including postgraduate study. How can you feel he hasn't done well? Just not drinking and not having a crazy time doesn't mean he would get a first. And, as you say, he's not super crazed about his subject if he doesn't want to work in that field. He's done GREAT. Firsts are relatively RARE.

I really feel you need to work on yourself not to let even 1% of this feeling transfer to him((

Is he disappointed?

My son is younger than yours but is a bit of a loner, struggled to make strong friendships during secondary school after having a hugely supportive friendship group during primary.
At one point had help with cahms.
He has just left school but spent the majority of his time on his own, eating on his own, lunchtimes in the library, no interest in the prom, not getting involved with anything outside of school.
He went in, kept his head down and got on with his work.
On his last day 5 children signed his shirt, the rest of the signatures were his teachers.

These last few years my heart has broken for him until I went to a parenting support group and aired my concerns, a parent asked me if he was ok with how his school life turned out or was it just a problem for me?

It occurred to me that I was probably projecting all that time and it was a ‘me’ problem!
After a big chat with him it turned out he was happier on his own, he likes his own company, he doesn’t want to hang out in town messing about and prefers being at home. At school he liked to study quietly and wore headphones to keep others out.

Its just the way he is and I wonder if your son is similar?

I mean this kindly but is he bothered at what he has ‘missed out’ on or is it just you?

I hear you @UserM6! It’s such a shame to think all that debt / money spent on an OK education, may well only lead to an OK job. I know of friends kids with Masters qualifications who can only get jobs in retail -that’s a real waste!

I think uni experience is massively over hyped - lots of the teaching seems to be rubbish or non existent - focussing on student led learning.

My DC said social life was very difficult if you didn’t do the drinking and clubbing scene in the first year.

Hope he finds his path, and you can help him in any way he needs. He’s lucky to have a mum who cares x

Next time, start your gripe by stating who 'he' is.

Men and boys have pretty rubbish mental health.

Something of a generalisation.

I do feel very sorry for your son that you are so disappointed in him.