Disappointed he didn't get a first.

[UserM6]

I know a 2:1 is fine but I'm sad he didn't come out with more from his time.
He didn't join any societies. Doesn't drink so never really went to the SU and largely stayed in in studying
He says he made friends on his course but no one he's talked about/been to visit/ go on holiday with etc.
Stayed in crap accommodation in his first year 2 and 3rd year lived with the one mate from bloody school. Had a girlfriend throughout (his first ) who he spent his weekends with. She's graduating in 2 years and going abroad next year

He doesn't even want a job in his degree but doesn't know what else to do.

I've stayed positive for him but it seems like a largely wasted time. I feel bad for thinking like this but he's my one and only 🙁.

Do you think maybe you're projecting your idea of what 'good experience at uni' looks like onto him?

You seem to think that working hard for academic success is a sacrifice and not enjoyable. You seem to think the other end of that is not being as academically successful but doing 'fun' things instead like drinking, going out, seeing friends a lot, travelling, multiple girlfriends.

Perhaps your sadness is misplaced. He's not you. Not everyone enjoys the same stuff. Do you know he would even have wanted to have a wild party animal experience? Some people really do value quiet, and alone time, and learning something they're really interested in. For some people that brings them the same level of happiness that perhaps going to the pub with a group of mates brings you.

He has a solid healthy relationship, which is a good thing. No I really wouldn't be sad about someone staying with the first person they had a relationship with, as long as it was a good relationship. For a lot of people, this would be the ideal scenario.

I feel perhaps you need to try to see him as separate to you, with his own path to follow. I think it's really common for people who are more extroverted to look at their children staying in reading a book or whatever and feeling real pity for them, but it's often misplaced and unnecessary. Maybe he feels pity for those who are so disinterested in their degrees that they don't find the actual studying enjoyable and instead would much prefer to be out partying.

It's great you want to support him, but make sure you're supporting him with the problems he has and not the problems you'd have if you were living his exact life.

Doesn’t it also depend on the uni and course he did? A 2:1 in law or medicine from a top 5 uni is obviously great whereas a 2:1 in a made up new subject from a polytechnic university is something he shouldn’t have wasted money on.

in any event, direct yourself to how your SON feels. If he’s happy, be happy. If he’s not happy, understand why and don’t project your own ambitions and hopes onto him.

Another person who met their husband when I was at uni! 17 years later, we’re married, have a child, wouldn’t change a thing. Yes, it might all end but that’s true of any relationship. Just be glad she’s lovely and he’s happy.

Try to remember your idea of success and happiness might look very different to your son’s. It might even feel uncomfortably different if you’ve prioritised the things he isn’t so fussed about. Other than potentially his grade, he might feel like he got the uni experience that suited him. If he’s an introvert, he may always have just one or two people in his life (partner/friends) that he feels truly comfortable with. And that’s okay. Lots of friends doesn’t mean you’re a happier person. Nor does being in a society (which, in my experience, were full of people I wouldn’t want to hang out with either!). And he’ll be working until he’s an OAP - if he didn’t need to work, he’s very lucky!

I’m sure as a hard working guy, he’s disappointed he didn’t get a first but that’s not going to define his whole life. Rather than agonise over missed opportunities, be excited with/for him. He has found someone he loves and he has at least one male friend - that’s great for his emotional wellbeing. Maybe he’ll head abroad with her and have an adventure (that’s what I did when I graduated and my now-husband did his year abroad). Maybe he’ll try something random and love it or maybe it’ll take a few years to pinpoint his dream career. If your son doesn’t know what he wants to do job wise, he has the freedom to try things that sound interesting. I feel this is, in some ways, better for young people rather than obsessing over a dream career that may be hard to get into or not what they imagined.

I think the qualities you’ve mentioned are enviable and you need to take a big breath and stop dwelling on your perception of his life. You’re adding so many layers based on your wants/needs/wishes. Check in with him if you’re worried but otherwise, unless he’s coming to you expressing anything explicitly, don’t ruminate about it. You’re wasting so much energy on someone else’s life. I know he’s your son and this is all because you really care but you’re adding issues to his life that he may not even think about. He got a great grade, he’s got a lovely gf - he’s doing okay!

Goodness... and blimey, and even more strongly worded... sodding hell, OP...😳😖

That poor boy will have worked his socks off to get a 2:1 - a 2:1! - and it makes you feel like he needed to try harder. I'd have given my left arm to get a 2:1, but at least with my pathetic 2:2 I had a mum who was kind, proud and happy for me.

Really, you need to protect him and his feelings and never say what you truly mean.

Yout boy deserves kind words of love and pride, not a kicking.

Jeeeez.

I got a 2.1 - shock! Horror!!

Met DH young and I was his first girlfriend. Shock! Horror!

Guess what, we have a lovely family and doing well. We didn’t marry for about 10 years, had lots of fun and bought a place. I have a fulfilling job, over 50k so not rich, not poor, get to travel for work.

I really hope this is a wind up.

Not everybody has the privilege to go to university and clearly not everybody gets a 2:1.

Getting a 1st is magical and obviously amazing, but it isn't everything and doesn't define his entire being. Being an undergraduate accounts for maybe 5% of his adult life and there is so much more he can achieve after that.

If he hasn't met new people and socialise, it's not too late.

Gosh you really are looking for stuff to worry about. This is his life he has done well..he will go into other things and go down different paths. Could have an amazing career and marriage. Just let go of the preconceived ideas you seem to have of success and support him to be his own person.

I didn’t go to uni for the social aspect. I lived at home and commuted in and didn’t do any of the nights out and stuff. That didn’t interest me. I went to get my degree, which I did.

Your son has done amazingly well! Not everyone goes to uni for a wild time.

FFS op - come on now.

I've got a first (and had a good time at Uni).
It's nice from an ego point of view.
But no-one cares, why should they? It's not like you start conversations saying "I've got a first".

Not everyone gets a 2:1. Most people get a 2:1 or 2:2, numbers of which are more or less evenly split. Much fewer people get a first, third or fail, although more firsts are doled out these days than used to be.

Is he happy? Is he looking forward to life after university? that is what matters

Hi OP. I can see that you feel he’s sacrificed a lot for his academic success and then, as he’s come out of it with a 2:1, you feel those sacrifices didn’t pay off and may not have been worthwhile.

I think it’s worth remembering that the transferable skills we learn at uni come from our studying, not our grade. Yes, he doesn’t have the label of a first class degree. But he’ll have so many more skills from having made the effort, than if he’d not bothered and only scraped the 2:1. He’ll have developed the ability to really concentrate, to persist, to absorb and analyse huge amounts of information, to reach conclusions on nuanced information, etc. Those are the skills that will serve him well in working life long after you and he have forgotten his degree class.

What a super depressing thread OP. He's done bloody well. Loads of people don't like uni at all / drop out.

You do know your parenting is "part of the issue"!!! ... there is no issue! He's fine ... he is doing life HIS way, not yours!

I also think that, given he has a girlfriend you can describe as a 'gorgeous person', it is very odd that you're so keen for him to leave that behind and sow his wild oats. A healthy relationship is not something to be so dismissive of.

Things could be much worse if he was with someone who wasn't such a gorgeous person. We're talking about potentially a future daughter in law and mother to your grandchildren. If my son met a girl who was so lovely and who I got along well with and I could see myself being close to, I'd secretly be desperately hoping they stay together.

OP, I mean this kindly, but I think you need to make your own life more interesting to you, and spend less time worrying about his life and his choices.

Just checked his course 84% get a 2:1 or First. So yes clearly most actually do.

And first ever girlfriend. Not first “serious” girlfriend. Who will be going abroad for a year come August. Given his minimal friendship circle, I am worried.

I haven’t anything about it aside from jokingly “I’m coming to visit” because it’s a beautiful bit of the world. Because what can I say?

I don't think you sound negative, or critical- just anxious- and I 100% hear you. You know your son pretty well and I think leading with the degree is actually not stating your main concern at all. You want your son to be a success, but in terms you can relate to. I feel much the same about my own son who graduated last year and has a good job, but he's lonely- no really deep social connections. I so desperately want to "fix this, but I don't see how I can. It's a very hackneyed phrase but as a parent you are only as happy as your unhappiest child.

God what a load of over exaggerated post. The problem with these threads is it just takes the first person to reply having a dig at the poster, then the rest of you become a sheep and want to follow in putting another parent down.

The Poster is sad for her son getting a 2.1 when she fees he deserved better. There is absolutely nothing wrong with feeling sad for your child when things don’t go their way.

Everyone does not get a 2:1.
At least, they didn’t when I was at Uni. Most people got 2:2.
My DS has been with his one and only gf for 5 years (he’s 21). They’re very happy.
My best friend from school met her husband at 14, they’ve just celebrated 40 yes together.
Your son is fine.

@UserM6 I know a boy who went to university, stayed with his first ever, secondary school girlfriend, had a small friendship group and got a 2.1. at the time of graduating he was working in a shop, but he got into his chosen career six months or so after.

I was the girlfriend. We got married, are still together 20 years later, have three beautiful kids. My husband is very successful by anyone's standards.

Please stop worrying. He'll find his way - and if he doesn't, you worrying won't help.

There's so much pressure on young people to have the greatest time of their lives at uni. My eldest is there now, and is constantly measuring her experience against what she thinks it should be like.

Sounds like you've also fallen for the hype, OP. So your son could have had a better time, but he could also have had a worst time? So he didnt get a first, but he also didnt get a 2:2 or a 3rd. The stuff about his gf suggests you are in a really negative spiral with this, and you must address that.

BTW, my youngest has just achieved straight Us for all her GCSE mocks. Care to swap?! We have to support our children on their own paths, not expect them to fulfil our dreams.

Specifically what are you worried about?

Again I totally accept my parenting will be part of the issue. I still want him to be happy and I worry he won't. It is as some have pointed out a long game so I will stay optimistic that he will get the life he wants and deserves.

You had particular hopes for this part of your son's life - maybe not even articulated fully until you started this thread - and it hasn't turned out exactly as expected. That's parenting in a nutshell.

It seems as though you worrying - about him, about whether you've done a good job, about the future - is the real problem here.

So when can you stop worrying? The definitive point where you say "It's all brilliant now, nothing more to worry about" is never going to come. It's up to you to manage that - to stay in the present, appreciate the good things, hang on to hope through the bad stuff. Finishing university can be an uncomfortable moment, facing uncertainty for the first time in a while (ever?) about what happens next, so acknowledge that. It's all part of parenting.