Devastated DD - awful reference

[AnonymousStudentParent]

My undergraduate DD recently asked her Personal Tutor, by email, whether he could be her referee for a summer school (prestigious, with a generous scholarship scheme). She attached a link to the website of the summer school and underscored the information relating to the reference. She didn't hear back from her Personal Tutor immediately but after about 3 weeks he emailed briefly saying he'd already submitted the reference (she had anticipated him getting back to her for clarification on a couple of things she had done that she had mentioned in the email that he didn't know about). Yesterday she had a quick beginning of term meeting with him when he outlined to her the devastating terms of the reference, basically saying she was too young and under qualified for the summer school but a nice hardworking person if they wanted to take a chance on her.

My DD is neither too young nor under qualified for the summer school - quite the contrary, she's very amply qualified (though mostly outside the scope of her degree). It's in an area she is extremely knowledgeable about and she has properly researched the summer school. She spent several days in the Christmas holidays writing the extensive application.

She was too flabbergasted to react (and her time with the PT was up) on the spot. Needless to say, this isn't good for her self-confidence. Any advice to how she goes back to the PT and asks him whether he can spend a few minutes looking at the website and her application and rethink his hasty judgement? The deadline for submission of the application isn't for another couple of weeks.

So you think you have a more unbiased view of your daughter’s abilities than the academics at her university?

It's not an accusation. Facts, remember?

I'm not comparing. They create the grades, not me - I'm merely a witness to them.

So if you don’t have the facts, then why bring it up? You are basically speculating that your DD’s PT is sabotaging her application in favour of another student.

Thank you. DD is our last child - the others all graduated years ago and are out the other side, independently earning megabucks ;). So I think we did an ok job shepherding them through the educational minefield to independence.

That’s right, you are only a witness. Your daughter has no obligation to share them with you either.

No I'm not. You should probably revise your reading comprehension skills.

Do you consider education to be purely vocational, and success to be measured by salary?

It wouldn't cross her mind not to, just as it wouldn't have crossed her older siblings' minds not to share grades with parents and siblings. Family WhatsApps with grades are a big thing.

Just because someone works in academia, doesn't mean they're necessarily competent.

I have come across some horrors in my time! I recall my first postgrad, there was this awful woman! I had moved countries when I started (was picking up on year 2 of 3) and was jobhunting. She referred to me in front of all the group that I was "the token unemployed"!!! As it turned out, I actually wasn't, and I wasn't unemployed for long either. She told my friend of now over 30 odd years, publicly, that she would be "better suited to distance learning"!!

On the other hand, during my MSc, I had the most supportive tutor, who kept regularly in touch and met with me monthly when I was writing up my dissertation. It's the luck of the draw sometimes!

Well, you did bring it up, upthread. I’m not making it up.

That’s right. No profession has a monopoly on competence.

There are horrors in all sorts of professions, aren’t there?

I think earning one's own living in order to maintain one's lifestyle is independence (not success) and I think education serves many purposes, one of which is preparing for a career.

Why? Why are the marks so relevant to your kids? Isn’t it more important what they learned? Do they compete with each other with marks?

@AnonymousStudentParent

Which year is she in, OP?

I'm trying to gauge whether the situation is about someone in her first year or someone almost about to graduate.

Can you say roughly which area of academia this is in? I'm asking because I would hesitate to offer any observations if it's a sciences degree, my areas of knowledge being Modern Languages and Law.

It does sound to me as though your daughter has a very promising future; I know that she might be frustrated by this current situation, but it will all come good in the end.

Ok, I was just curious then about the mention of megabucks and why that was relevant. Is making big money relevant to you and your family? Is that why there is so much emphasis on competition?

She spent some time today actually finalising the application which was one of those deeply frustrating ones where you can't access all the questions until you have completed the previous pages in full, including attaching documents. And then you get to the final page and the instructions are quite different to the ones on the general page. Grrrr. We'll talk about the reference again when everything else is finalised - getting on with the stuff she can actually control is helpful at this point.

It was a joke (hint: there was a wink). Like I said, reading comprehension skills.

She's in second year. I don't want to go into any details about the area of study because I don't want to risk identifying anyone.

You sound very reasoned and that you know what you are doing.

I'm on my 'last child at uni' too. One is loving their career of choice and doing really well, second has recently finished a masters abroad and is hopefully going to have a career in a difficult industry and the youngest is now in touching distance of finals!

We have always been pretty realistic about their capabilities and supported them in every way possible.

This DD sounds on track to follow your other children. You must be very proud of them, as I am of mine.

A wink can also be smugness.

They like sharing successes and they are extremely supportive of one another. Marks are part and parcel of education, not its goal.

Do they share what they have learned or what they are reading?

I wouldn’t reply to that poster further OP. You’re just being goaded now.

Sounds a right pain!