My son failed his university degree

[SHMumindespair]

I feel at a loss. Could I have done more? I was supposed and looking forward to a university graduation when my son sends a message that he will.jot tet a degree. He filed too many times. 4vyears. £70000 debt and no degree. Future ruined. I am.just at a loss and just crying, feeling a mix of anger, disappointment, responsibility.... I could go on but feel like a failure myself as a mother.

This!

Please take a deep breath and have your son try to get to the bottom of what happened. It could be depression, addiction (including gaming addiction), complete loss of confidence, anxiety/ panic disorder, unsuspected ADHD, Facing into the final year can be very hard for some young adults because they panic at the thought of the transition that lies ahead into the world of interviews, potential rejection, work and adulthood.

Then get your practical boots on and see what his options are. He does have options.

I thought that employed people only paid their student loan back, if they earned over a certain amount per month / year ?
However, I believe that the timescales were increased recently.

Did he enjoy his university years ?

They do. It used to be around £27K pa (and over.)
And if it's not been repaid after a certain number of years, it's written off.
So, a lot of people with a degree never repay any or some of it.

Why did he fail? Failed a course he can retake or even an entire year? Soem type of cross misconduct? Did fuckall for 3-4 years? Has some other helath related issues that was unable to do his work? Some of these are fixable and some are not. Somw cam be negotiated with the uni and some arr a lost cause. University is quite hard to fail if he has shown up to mandatory lectures and returned his assignments.

Have a sit down and talk with him and see what it is about and have a talk about his options.

Take a deep breath. It’s an academic qualification, it’s not for everyone. He is young and healthy and has a happy future ahead of him. Just speak to him and let him come home to regroup before figuring out his next step.

Why everything has to be around you OP?
You are this, you feel that.

Be an adult parent and support your son as obviously you pushed him into field 100% not suitable for him instead of recognizing your own childs capabilities.

That’s unfair. The OP may have had nothing to do with his choice

Than why is she:
"I was supposed and looking forward to a university graduation"
and
"Future ruined. I am.just at a loss and just crying, feeling a mix of anger, disappointment, responsibility"

If it was his choice, and she did all she could to point him towards more suitable career surelly she would not be so dramatic over this as she would knew she did her best

That is true. I believe the income level is now something like £27,500 pa after which they begin to pay some of the loan back.

It is deducted from salary at source along with other taxes and in many cases it is interest only. So most students will never repay any of it and it can keep accruing to some extent too if interest rates rise and get added to it. It is generally written off in the person's late fifties or at retirement age.

It's a mad, crazy system, but it's what we have and young people are steered into it when they are no more than school leavers.

There's at least one poster on here (not you @MultipleCarrierBags ) who appeared to blame the OP's DS for racking up his student debt when in reality he probably had little choice.

People also have talked about how students should take on paid jobs to finance themselves. My DD is a newly graduated Oxbridge student and the uni rules were that if caught doing paid employment for other employers during term time she would have been evicted from her course. So she could only fit in a few shifts at her job during holidays, which wasn't anywhere near enough to finance her properly considering that she was also obliged to stay in their own halls of residence during term time and pay them £2,500 for the privilege. That was £2,500 three times a year. Minimum. Somehow she also had to eat after that, and although we helped as much as we could, we are not wealthy and she struggled.

People do love to expound sometimes about something they know nothing about.

I didn't say living expenses of £20K a year. I wrote living expenses loan of £9750 a year. Totally feasible... DS is currently paying £850 a month / £10,000 for a room in a house share, then working all holidays to pay for his day to day living expenses of food, travel, phone etc. I don't think people realise how expensive University is until their child is 16/17. Its very different now to a generation ago.

She's allowed to feel shaken and sad. We are allowed to have expectations on behalf of our children and feel emotional when they don't work out as planned. We are not islands. Maybe she has come on here to express entirely valid distress to strangers so she can put on a brave face for her son.

I despair of people who think no parent is ever allowed to have an emotional response to their child other than: how can I serve you? We are equally complex and fallible human beings. Not Stepford Wives or saints.

I don't actually believe that this has come as a shock to your son. My guess is he's had plenty of warnings abd has ignored them. All educational instututions are very much against students failing.
Let him stand on his own two feet now financially.

A friend's son dropped out after I think three years that included resitting the first year.
He has held responsible full time jobs since leaving uni, started a professional career after about two years, now mid twenties and bought a house with his long term girlfriend last year.
He was obviously disappointed at the time, but realised it wasn't for him - seems very happy with his life now, and far more mature than other friends children (and work colleagues) of a similar age.

Tbh I don't have sympathy for anyone who creates drama around childs failure at education without giving a slightest concern how said child feels and having any questions if she needed to guide him better in career.

The whole post is just OPs pitty party for herself. Ick.

Sorry OP that must be so disappointing, but your son will be feeling all sorts of emotions too. I promise you it is not his future ruined. Take a few days to digest the news. Then think about next steps. He has to lead it. But are there options for resist? Repeat of year 3? As PP suggested, using credits for something else? He might have failed overall but he still will have learnt something at that higher level. And I know family who failed their degree and they are in a very successful role now. Please support him and try not to show too much of your disappointment, I’m sure he feels this enough himself.

It's a shame and you don't have to be happy about it, but his future isn't ruined.

I stayed in the first course I choose, and passed everything first go. Many of my peers didn't, either changed courses several times, failing, dropping out etc. At the time it seemed like a big deal - a whole year wasted! Etc. Now we're in our 30s/40s a year back then seems like nothing. And those people are all doing better than me career and money wise. I actually wish I dropped out and tried a few different things.

I think schools are far too focussed on pushing kids into the university route.
Leading those who have the required exam passes almost felt like a given- I have had two children navigate these years.
Of my son's cohort, 12 or so of his friends started university, and by the end of 4 years 50% of them had dropped out at various stages.
My DD did graduate, and has worked for a couple of years in the sector she was qualified to do- but she became increasingly disillusioned with her work environment ( pediatric intensive care nurse),
Low pay, crazy long shifts, staff shortages, staff morale were just some of the reasons she decided to quit.
Yes she enjoyed the university environment, and I know there are lots of adulting lessons, but also too there are benefits for apprenticeships, gap years, delaying until our young people can come to know themselves a little better.

My DD is now 24, self employed in a different area, has several clients and earning twice as much as she did nursing.

OP I know you and your DS will be feeling all sorts of emotions and upsets right now, but there are still many options ahead.
Life can be a crooked path, potholes along the way, but can teach us resilience and widen our view.

I think it’s natural to feel sad and disappointed- it is an expensive error and a big time commitment which has been apparently wasted.

All those saying he’ll be fine… well yes he’ll be fine. But let’s not dismiss the OPs genuine disappointment and worry for the future.

That’s disappointing for him and you OP. The feeling is only temporary though and he’ll get a new plan in soon. I remember this struggle.

If he stayed at it for 4 years, he must have really wanted it but wasn’t able, OR, was avoiding reality spending his time doing something else .

You’re both going to need to find that out so that he can learn from this.

How far along did get? Second year? He might be able to get a diploma and he should definitively get his head around how many credits he has achieved. IF he ever wants to go back to a degree, he can use the credits towards a degree, maybe even start in second year, so he does’t have to start from scratch.

I suggest have a conversation with him and discuss alternate pathways like apprenticeships

First of all, you have not failed as a mother. It is HIM who failed his course. There was nothing that you could have done. Sometimes you have to let go, they have their own mind. It is not a reflection of your parenting.

He only pays small percentage of his earning for his student loan once he earns over a threshold, then it will be written off after 30 years or at 65. Don't over pay unless there is a better reason.

Yes. My late husband’s child failed, got a job and then did their degree through the OU.

The last wage that I heard of was in 6…then they got a promotion.

@Meadowwild no matter the situation if you post on Mumsnet about a parenting disappointment or other issue, as night follows day someone will come along to tell you it’s your fault, you mismanaged it or you are wrong to be feeling the way you do.

I think you misunderstand the difference between tuition fees and living expenses.

Current tuition fees to UK students are £9,250 per year
Halls fees at DD's university in her first year are now just over £7,000 for 40 weeks, and this is one of the universities that has cheaper accommodation than most universities. This would leave just over £4,000 a year for the student to buy food and toiletries, wash clothes and go out. Many students have jobs to top up their loans.

*6 figures

Somehow deleted a word.