My son just told me he hates uni

[Tisforptarmigan]

My son went back to uni yesterday. Once he was on the train he sent me a text saying how he hates his course and is very unhappy.
He said he hates where he is (Bristol) and doesn't like going drinking, so is just in his room all the time on his own.
His course tutor (researcher not lecturer) is Chinese and he finds him hard to understand, when he asks for help he is just told to google stuff. He said a lot of the work is just online rather than actual lectures so is just in his room watching his laptop on his own a lot.
We have told him that we will support him whatever he decides to do e,g quit and come home but he says that he wants to finish the year. Does anyone have any idea of other options he could have. Could he transfer the year just done to another uni for example?
He is in a basement uni flat and there is only his flat on that level so he hasn't made many friends and is alone a lot.
Can he change his course tutor?

If your DS is sensitive this may still have affected him. And he may be keeping quiet now in order not to add to his DF’s stress. Having sat on many Mitigating Circumstances panels I would not be so quick to dismiss the idea that the sad episode with your stepson is affecting the behaviour of DS now. That isn’t meant as a criticism! I think he was trying to protect you

HI OP I know the thread has moved on a bit but I would mention that although lectures are recorded and available online they are first held in person at Bristol with the online version becoming available afterwards. If he can be encouraged to venture out to attend the lectures in person he may find other students (non Chinese) with whom he could connect and may be able to study with for the remainder of term.

@user09876543
It's unusual for students to be able to switch to the second year of a degree course since degrees are not all taught to a common curriculum (in fact very few are). So whilst it's fairly common for kids to switch universities they generally have to start again in the first year.

My friends kid switched directly to the second year of the new uni. The new uni wasn't as competitive as Bristol though.
I think it's worth the OP keeping an open mind and not ruling things out too quickly. The OPs lad is clearly a bright lad so hopefully if he does want to switch Unis will be able to find something suitable.

Add me to the Bristol alumni who hated it - and this is decades on. I could go on about how awful it was and probably shouldn't. I knew of three suicides there during my three years. In the intervening 30 years of my life, I've known of one suicide. There was/is just something about Bristol - very apathetic, soul destroying, enervating, bland. Cliquey.
It obviously doesn't affect everyone in that way, but it is a non-starter for many.

I had the chance - one I made myself - to go to another uni after the first year there and bottled it. My self-confidence was shot and I thought, well, if I hate this one too, it's definitely all down to me. So I stayed there and saw it through, got my 2:1 but it was a dead degree, really.

I"d go home and feel alright, pull myself together you might say, be ready to go back and knock it for six. And someone else said, you get there and by the end of the day you want to curl up in a foetal position on your bed.

Oh, and back then it wasn't exactly competitive - none of the lecturers were horrible or high-pressure but generally you felt it made no difference whether you handed in an A essay or a C, it was like nothing really mattered. Though they'd be sure to post everyone's results on the noticeboard at the end of the year to make up for it, of course.

My friends daughter is at bristol and absolutely hates it. She's completely miserable there. She is sticking it out but is a changed person.

Hard to know what to advise. Maybe spend a year in a completely different location afterwards, if that can be arranged? Like Liverpool. (Easier said...) Thing is, one hesitates to throw yourself into anything after Bristol - the blandness sort of rubs off on you. At least maybe do a kind of inter-rail trip the summer after - is that a possibility Then again, I did that after my first year at Bristol with two mates and we had a falling out, largely because of the unhappiness I felt at the time, in retropect (though not entirely).

Has he joined the climbing (or mountaineering?) society? They might arrange transport to a climbing wall.

I think it’s quite easy for Bristol Uni students not to explore the city. A relative went there and barely left Clifton. But it’s a great city to get to know with several climbing centres/walls. This one doesn’t require public transport to reach (near the station, via bus or train from Clifton): https://flashpointbristol.com/

Also found this: https://www.thebmc.co.uk/ten-great-universities-for-climbers-and-walkers

I think he went to climbing society when he first got to Bristol. Threw himself into freshers etc. he just seems to withdraw and not speak to people or try to make friends, so people may be asking him to do things. He always says no and then they stop asking.

He seems to be withdrawing as the year progresses. His friend at home says that he never talks about his feelings with him. With is he just says he's fine when we ask him. He clearly is not.

He obviously has mental health issues. His friend told us that my son thinks we want to do things for him to make ourselves feel good, rather than because we want to make him happy. E.g. if we offer to buy him something or give him money always refuses. (Does he think he's not worth it?). If we ask him to come on holiday says no, buy him stuff, says no. Go with him to the doctors, says no. Always "no I'm fine"

@Tisforptarmigan

OP, if you were able to ask him directly whether, at heart, he would like to start again at a different university, what do you think he would say?

My worry for you at the moment is that he may suddenly decide that this is what he wants to do in the summer and may find that the move isn't possible.

Then what about asking him to talk with you and the GP as a favour to you? Perhaps you could show the GP this thread, or at least your posts, and then leave them tobtalk with DS in private?

There is quite a lot to unpack, OP. As you continue to add to the picture I begin to think that the first thing is to get a professional view of whether DS is ready to resume studies next year (at whatever level) or whether he would be better served by taking some time to regain his MH first. That is meant to sound positive: everything will be so much easier for him when he is feeling better. It truly makes no sense to begin another struggle before he does

Sounds like he's finding it overwhelming. And that he wants to communicate via text on this.

Maybe a year out would work well? He could work, possibly travel, find out what he really likes doing, and resume his studies afterwards. I know of someone who did this in similar circumstances a few years back. Worked, went travelling and then returned to uni after a year out. I think that person changed the course they were doing as well but went back to the same uni. Also Bristol, I think. They sound quite similar. Could be a benefit to take some time to think, work out who they are.

It reminds me of a story the comedian Bob Mortimer told in his memoirs of his time at a top-ranking uni, maybe Oxford or just in the bracket. First day, he came down to the dinner hall in his football colours shirt and just realised immediately he had nothing in common with his fellow students, he was from a completely different background. He said that he went to his room and didn't bother to socialise with anyone for the three years before making the grade as a solicitor. Now, that should have been the wrong thing to do, certainly for most people, but if you're in an awful place, going to talk to people where it's not going to work, may be folly, at least you preserve your self-image.

It does sound like your son needs to overturn his melancholy by having a cool think about what he would like to do - a range of options - and make it his own personal thing or crusade to make it happen. Give himself a choice of options, as much as he can, and make it feel like his life is his own as much as possible.

When making suggestions, perhaps say, okay you can do this, or that? Turn it into a choice where you can, so he can feel relatively empowered.

Just to update the uni residential service team paid him a visit today. I think that they told him we had raised concerns but he told them that all was ok and that he knew where to go should he need to access help.

This is clearly not true but at least he saw someone. They don't like to engage on our behalf - the request to change things has to come from him. Seems like there is only two weeks of teaching before exams so he close to the end of the year and think he will stick it out

Also found out that he had a girlfriend during the first terms who ended it with him during Xmas holidays.

Unfortunately she lives in his flat. No wonder he feels shit and is staying in his room

Don't know how to quote just name sorry.

Yes, I think we are a bit northern for Bristol folk!

The exgirlfriend thing might be a huge issue but one that will soon sort itself out.

Freethebeast. I know only a few more weeks. Can't be helping though

The quote button is below this post on the left.

Being northern doesn't much have anything to do with disliking Bristol - I'm from Surrey! Quite a lot of posh people there - might be a bit Saltburn, not that I've seen that film yet.
It was like that film Black Narcissus in which Deborah Kerr takes some nuns up in the Himlayan mountains and tries to set up a nunnery - they all go mad in that It's not that the place is evil or hostile exactly, more indifferent. All one's emotions become heightened, somehow, exaggerated, while there. Of course, some don't pick up on it at all. But seems to me that if something goes wrong at Bristol, it feels a darn sight worse than it would anywhere else. There's no natural immunity there.

Lots of northerners living in Bristol and loving it. Bristol uni has quite a public school reputation, but it feels fairly separate from the rest of the city. Or maybe it’s just that the city is big enough not to be dominated by students, whether there or UWE.

My daughter was pretty much the same - didn’t get the ‘uni experience’ vibe and was unhappy. She left and came home with our blessing after the start of her second year. She converted the year she had completed into a qualification ‘Certificate in XXX’ and got a three year apprenticeship in the same subject. Was much happier learning on the job and being paid - and is professionally no worse off now than if she had taken a degree.

My son did very well academically and got into a prestigious Russell Group uni. Very unhappy, self harming and mental health suffered. We brought him home after his flat mates contacts us worried about his mental health. After a few months at home he applied for a course that followed his interests/dreams rather than matched his academic ability. He lived at home and commuted to a local uni which had a reputation for good pastoral care/quality teaching rather than academic research etc. He graduated with a first class honours.

My third child went through uni in classic mode with no problems at all.

They are all different just find out what makes them happy and support them to reach THEIR goals - not what school, society, teachers etc of them. Good luck OP x

I thought being at a big red brick would be the best path for me but I hated it. my second go at uni at a post-92 uni was wonderful. New facilities, real support and students who didn’t take themselves so seriously. He could get a job with other young people whilst at home and learn to drive if he can’t, making more friends at home and working would help his confidence and cv. I wouldn’t bother with transferring just start fresh in first year at a smaller friendlier place.

My MH wasn’t as fragile as your sons, but my part time job got me through uni. I didn’t really make friends there as I wasn’t big into drinking, and I didn’t join any societies as I found my tribe at my part time job. It’s also where I met my now husband.

Uni was a means to an end for me, and seeing it that way helped. But his MH needs to come first.

Wellbeing/ResiLife do not have much to do with academic departments and there are now very few senior residents let alone wardens in the residences to keep an eye out for inhabitants. Counselling has to be accessed through Wellbeing rather than directly these days. Online triage is hated by all Bristol students but senior management have no inclination to change anything. Response is far quicker than it used to be but is still pretty slow. I know many students who hate halls and who flourish in later years in private accommodation.

Get him to contact the Senior Tutor in his department. They have oversight of all the tutors and might be able to help him change for next year. It's a bit late in the year now as teaching is nearly over but the ST should be able to offer direct support in the short term.

The engineering courses are huge and it would be hard to find your tribe if you don't go in. All lectures are live and labs certainly are and give the best opportunity for getting to know course mates.

Climbing walls are easy to get to and now the weather is warmer the Avon Gorge won't freeze fingers off.

All this said, if he wants to leave, support it. It's a massive waste of life and resource to do something that makes you miserable

@Tisforptarmigan as a Mum of a son who is 100%ADHD my advice is to get him home until September,get him professionally assessed.My son is now 28 went to Lancaster where the college system worked for him ..weirdly that kind of disguised his ND problem. Along with his grammar school. Am in the process of persuading him to be properly assessed. My son is super intelligent and is a consultant ecologist but is off to Australia in August to find himself 🤦‍♀️Such a lovable person but just muddled generally. His perfect day is cooking and watching sport with the dog beside him.He has great people skills but so bloody vulnerable. Wish I had the awareness of ND when he was a young boy…absolutely no one flagged it up to me.