My son just told me he hates uni

[Tisforptarmigan]

My son went back to uni yesterday. Once he was on the train he sent me a text saying how he hates his course and is very unhappy.
He said he hates where he is (Bristol) and doesn't like going drinking, so is just in his room all the time on his own.
His course tutor (researcher not lecturer) is Chinese and he finds him hard to understand, when he asks for help he is just told to google stuff. He said a lot of the work is just online rather than actual lectures so is just in his room watching his laptop on his own a lot.
We have told him that we will support him whatever he decides to do e,g quit and come home but he says that he wants to finish the year. Does anyone have any idea of other options he could have. Could he transfer the year just done to another uni for example?
He is in a basement uni flat and there is only his flat on that level so he hasn't made many friends and is alone a lot.
Can he change his course tutor?

I do think his mental health needs to be the sole focus. Never mind other possible courses etc.

This^
Honestly OP nothing else really matters at the moment. Changing unis, courses etc is all academic as he won't be able to take this forward and engage with education unless his mental health improves.

This is an excellent point, OP. Most of us like to help, during office hours at least

He didn't talk to us at all about anything. Stayed in his room apart from meals and went climbing.

I thought he was unhappy here. Didn't mention anything about uni. It was only when he got on the train that he sent a text outlining what was happening. Said that he hated uni and lot and it was nothing like he expected it to be. Spends all day alone and does not like his course. He said he always appears sad because he is, and is a sad and anxious person.

Absolutely floored me as we had no idea he was so unhappy with everything

Go and see him or send him a train ticket to come home next weekend to talk

We talked to him at length on the phone when he got back and it all came tumbling out.

We all told him to come home if he wanted and that if it got too much we would come and pick him up any time day or night.

Said that he wanted to finish the year.

Can you find out when his last day is that he has to be there
Also does his timetable allow him to come home for say 2/3 days a week til then. Hopefully it’s literally just 8 more weeks to go

What you told your DS sounds exactly right. Poor thing. If he can get through to the end of the year he might well feel better about himself than if he doesn't, going forward. But the critical thing is to emphasize that he can come home at any stage at all, and then you'll make a plan or let him make a plan. I wouldn't have that much faith in uni services - it sound too serious and too advanced for that. You're almost certainly his key support at the moment. It's good that he messaged and he spoke.

Go to him @Tisforptarmigan - spend some time with him in uni town.

I don't think you can deal with this at arms length. You need to be there.

They won't tell you anything he says without his permission but they will listen to your concerns and make checks on him 💐

Really good that he's talking to you now. Hopefully you can support him through to finish this year which is only a matter of weeks and then he can continue his degree somewhere which treats students better.

I agree with the poster who said it's really piss poor administration that he's been placed completely with Chinese students. That's going to be tough for most people and will make him feel on the outside from the get go. And as I and others have said, Bristol has a poor track record with student well being; I also know from my former colleague who works there in an administrative role that it can be a toxic atmosphere for staff too. Sadly the university seems more focussed on other things than wellbeing and giving undergrads a positive and rewarding experience.

But not all universities are the same. He could find a completely different experience elsewhere. He seems to have decided he wants to move so hopefully he'll come through this difficult period and be able to move forward somewhere else

Be mindful that a lot of unis and uni courses have changed a lot over the last few years. One of my DC loved his course and stayed on in the same department to do his PhD. He said the difference between his experience as an undergrad compared to what new undergrads were experiencing was chalk and cheese. The course numbers had doubled and the teaching staff reduced massively. While he had plenty of access to staff and facilities new students wouldn't. The course still gets highly rated as the ratings are based on historical info not current.

Is there any way you could go down every weekend to see him through to the end of the year? My parents did that for me when I was struggling a bit in the last year at uni. They were nearer so they came just for a day and we had a day trip to somewhere nearby and I really enjoyed it.

Also, could you persuade him/help him to find a time once a week when he can go climbing? Can he look at a timetable and set aside the time to get on the bus and go to the climbing hall? I really think that would absolutely lift his mood. I'm very outdoorsy and I get very depressed very quickly if I do not manage to fit in an outdoor activity once a week to the extent that I have now made that my number one priority. It is the first thing I plan in each week (has to fit around work obviously) and since I've been doing that for the last 3 months it really has made a difference and everything else seems easier.

Overseas students bring in lots of dosh. The decisions made by universities ae skewed by this.

It is great to have a student body that is mixed with guests from all over the world - but the balance on your son's course is all wrong.

Does he want to do the same course elsewhere, or a completely different subject?

Sorry he's having such a rough time.

Does he have an admin lead he could talk to?

I managed the pg admin team in my dept for many years, and got quite a lot of students coming to me, I think because they knew I wasn't judging them academically as such, and we could talk things through and I'd signpost to disability services etc but also with their permission contact academics, so it was a stepping stone that seemed less stressful for them. Maybe worth considering.

The more I read your posts the more concerned I am . Obviously don’t know your circumstances but any chance you can get on a train and book into B&B close to uni for a few nights so you can really gage how he is ?
The fact he didn’t speak all over Easter and then messaged you once on the train really does alarm me.
Am so sorry this is happening and as a Mum I really understand because we had same problems with two of my children whilst at Uni. The only way I could fathom how they were was to have them in front of me .

I’ve not the entire thread, just all of OPs comments. What does he want to do after uni and is there maybe an alternative path to get there via apprenticeships? Plenty in the engineering space around but will obviously depend on what he wants to do.

Ahh, poor lad. Do bear in mind that he very much might feel that he SHOULD have a plan. Kids that are on this academic treadmill all the way through school, and pushed towards uni after A-levels have been kept moving forwards all the time, busy busy, aiming for this "grand plan" of adult life, and it can be scary when suddenly the "grand plan" seems to have gone wrong.

When you're feeling really lost, sometimes you just don't know what you actually really deep down want to do, but feel like you should be doing something so you grasp at the first sensible-sounding thing that comes into your head, or that others (who you think know better than you) suggest to you. Your DS might be justifying finishing the year to himself because "it's only x amount of weeks" etc etc. But maybe in his gut he's decided that engineering isn't for him, he doesn't think, but now he's stuck because he doesn't know what ELSE he'd like to do and is totally floundering and panicking about the future.

Been there, done that. It's a horrible feeling, just feeling lost like that, and seeing all your friends moving forward with their plans seemingly without a care in the world. I remember feeling quiet and withdrawn when I visited home too, as I just didn't know how to tell my parents I wanted out. I felt ashamed, and lost. The very worst thing that you can do is try to get him to make firm plans at this point. It's ok for him to not know what the hell to do for the best and to take time out to think about it, NOW if he needs to, without any pressure at all.

The only thing that he really needs to hear now when he's feeling like that is that he has the option to drop out at any time, even today, and that you are TOTALLY ok with that. He could go and see the all the counselling people and tutors that he wants but if he's really already decided in his gut that he absolutely doesn't want to be there, you need reassurance that he's not just going to feel forced by well-meaning advice to get through this last term, because if he is feeling as low as he sounds, the pressure of getting through, with exams etc, feeling lonely etc, having to make decisions and plans to transfer on top of that, might just be too much for him.

The path through life isn't straight. Remind him of this. People take wrong turns, long way rounds, end up going backwards sometimes, some people get lucky and find a short cut, but everybody always find their way in the end.

You see, this is the type of question that could feel like pressure to him at the moment if he's feeling so low. He simply might not know what he wants to do at this point. In his head he may feel like everything's just gone tits up. He doesn't NEED to know what he wants to do after uni just now if he's feeling so lost and down. When he's feeling better he can start to have a proper think about things and get his head round solid future plans, but I'm with the PP just now who said they'd be worried and going down there to be with him.

I didn’t mean to suggest to sort this with him right now / pose the question right now, I just wanted to say there are alternatives when it’s time to think about the next steps. And that not going to uni doesn’t mean a dead-end, even though more and more kids these days seem to feel it’s what needs to be done. And I’m saying that as someone who’s dropped out of uni herself.

That's really promising. He's opened up and is talking. It's worth finding out dates and if he needs to be there or can come home/alternate.

If he decides not to go back, they'll fill his room so that's one less worry.

One of my kids had really bad insomnia at uni for a while. It was so bad that he was hallucinating. (No drugs or alcohol involved at all) He had friends at uni and thought the course was right but there was clearly something very wrong. We just wanted to help in any way we could and when I suggested he could pack everything up he was adamant that he didn't want to and that the only thing keeping him going was the routine of uni. He said he felt he might implode if he stopped going to lectures.

My point is that staying on the course might be the best thing for your son from the point of view that he is doing 'something' . He might be too scared of what might happen if he stops. The thought of sitting at home with nothing to do or the thought of having to sort something else out might be too much for him,
It's the same with his refusal, so far, to talk or to engage with help. He literally might not feel able to.

Fortunately with my son he was able to talk with me about it and he did get proper help. I'm not sure what caused him to get better but slowly he did. I wished I could have swooped him as soon as I was aware how ill he was but he had to work it out for himself. It went on for about six months. If you met he now you would have no idea. He is a happy, energetic man with a great job and a great social life. Even though I felt completely hopeless while he was going through it he says that I was helpful just by being there and listening to him.

I found that group absolutely horrific. I left if, rejoins and left it again. Obviously there are some useful points but overall I found it very negative and full of micromanaging parents who couldn’t leave their child alone for 2 minutes and were still going into their bedrooms 3 years later to cry and moan that they have no purpose in life now their child is away with

@Tisforptarmigan

I've just read through your posts and hope that I haven't missed anything out.

Which subject is he studying and in which year is he at the moment?

I think that I would advise doing things in a certain order at this point.

As he is feeling rough at the moment, I would make Student Counselling the first port of call, so that you and he know that there is going to be someone he can talk to face to face quite soon.

https://www.bristol.ac.uk/students/support/wellbeing/request-support/services/counselling/

It might be that the support of a good counsellor at Bristol will allow him to make a few small changes which will mean that staying in Bristol will be a more palatable prospect than it might seem to him at the moment.

If after talking things through with the counsellor, he feels that he really can't stay on at Bristol, I would be inclined to suggest getting the details of the Admissions Tutor for the equivalent course at another university; in this particular case, I am wondering whether one slightly closer to home would be the better fit and so I was thinking either Birmingham or Liverpool for him in the first instance. It will depend on there being a suitable course and on the Admissions Tutor agreeing to accept him.

I hope that you won't mind my asking this, but has the possibility that he may be on the autism spectrum ever been discussed with you? I'm wondering whether a discussion along those lines with someone appropriate would be helpful to both of you.

In the first instance, though, I would advise that he sees Counselling as soon as he can; they may be able to see him this week.

If he chooses to transfer then I'd recommend he looks at campus unis - Lancaster and york spring to mind. Then you are surrounded by other students.