My son just told me he hates uni

[Tisforptarmigan]

My son went back to uni yesterday. Once he was on the train he sent me a text saying how he hates his course and is very unhappy.
He said he hates where he is (Bristol) and doesn't like going drinking, so is just in his room all the time on his own.
His course tutor (researcher not lecturer) is Chinese and he finds him hard to understand, when he asks for help he is just told to google stuff. He said a lot of the work is just online rather than actual lectures so is just in his room watching his laptop on his own a lot.
We have told him that we will support him whatever he decides to do e,g quit and come home but he says that he wants to finish the year. Does anyone have any idea of other options he could have. Could he transfer the year just done to another uni for example?
He is in a basement uni flat and there is only his flat on that level so he hasn't made many friends and is alone a lot.
Can he change his course tutor?

If he finishes the course and gets the ucas points could he then transfer to a course through the OU? He can then be at home, have online learning, have a job and be near his friends and family.

Maybe he could even transfer the ucas points to a degree apprenticeship his field?

I am sorry to read your son is having such a tough time and I understand why you are concerned about his welfare.

Could you arrange to visit him and go with him to his course tutor?

He may be an adult but it sounds to me like he is reaching out to you to see what you think (hence the text rather than face to face)

Based on his history (of harming himself and trying to take his life) please act on what he is saying but ensure you do this with his involvement.

Reassure him you are happy to support him whatever he wants and take seriously what he says (no judgement regardless how you feel)

He needs solid support and soon, my thoughts are with you it sounds very stressful for you and he seems isolated and very unhappy

Forgot to add, by talking to the uni with him you may be able to agree a support plan for him 😊

Is there anyway he can do the labs online?

My son did an engineering degree, when covid hit everything went online. He came home and pretty much finished his degree without going into another physical lab. Everything seems to be computerised now.

I know what you mean about overseas students. DS said he was the only white boy on his masters, everyone else was from India or China. That’s where the money is.

Thanks for your comments. Just got back home so only just read them. They are really helping me. I am going to contact him and try to get more info from him.

There possibly is some ND behaviour which he has been able to hide so never brought up by teachers etc but possibly something which has not been diagnosed and is making matters worse. When he first got to uni he threw himself into things and joined societies but doesn't seem to have been able to sustain all the socialising.

So far he has only come home for holidays at Xmas and Easter but I'm going to try and encourage him to come back for long weekends to give him a break.

@Tisforptarmigan

OP, do you know which career is most likely to interest him after Uni?

I am asking so that I don't suggest courses which won't lead in the direction he is looking in.

Hello@Tisforptarmigan tried to post earlier but poor signal.
Dd was an eng student at Bristol a few years ago and v involved in support services. Some if this may still be useful;
she suggests-
his accommodation if it is uni owned should have a support team via the hub to support students,
his faculty/ department should have a senior tutor/ head of year with a more pastoral role, worth talking to re academic support and changing tutors.
Bristol futures within the uni are a good signposting service to advise students and can give guidance
the university medical/ health service can help re counselling etc.
Hope this helps- so hard when he is so far away, but these issues are common, and the university will be familiar and has resources to help.

I don't know what he would like to do now. I will try to find out more from him. He likes the practical side and problem solving and creative aspects of engineering. He enjoyed mechanical maths and physics at a level which is why he chose engineering.

Thanks that is really useful. I'm finding mumsnet invaluable today.

What a lot of lovely people you are trying to help. Xxx

Ask him to also speak to the disability team tomorrow if he can.
They should be able to signpost him for additional support (mentors, study tutors), many, many students in Bristol have this support and it has made a huge difference.
As has been pointed out Bristol has had a huge problem with their mental health support (lots more than is made public) but I know they are now trying so much harder and support isn't taking a stupid amount of time like it used to.
Also try to make a counselling appointment asap, however counselling sessions are very limited and the specialist mentors students can have access to tend to be fully qualified counsellors/ therapist with many years experience, to pick up the early warnings (hopefully).

This 100%

Good luck op- it is really tough when they are so far away.

Our son hated uni and came home after six months. He just hadn’t settled or made any good friends. I think the fact he was in an abusive relationship didn’t help, as the lad was constantly trying to control what he did and who he spent time with. To be honest I was relieved to have him home where we could support him. He got a job very quickly and thankfully split up with his bastard of a boyfriend.

You're clearly being very supportive to your son and hopefully he’ll make a decision soon about where he wants to be. 🌷

My ds did engineering at uni originally and by Xmas time he texted me to say that he hated the course and couldn’t face continuing on. He spoke to his tutor who said it was better to get out quickly - before you failed exams - so that it was clear you had left through choice and not because you couldn’t cope with the course.
He reapplied - did accountancy - and has a great job and lifestyle now.
He was away from home for engineering but went to his home city for accountancy . I think this suited his personality more. He says the extra years maturity by the time he was sitting his finals also helped.
Things can work out. But your sons mental health is the most important thing now. If he’s really struggling he can let go- and it can all still work out

I know three kids who have hated Bristol. It’s a common destination university for my dcs school but I think it is the one I’ve heard the most negatives about.

Id pull him out straight away and let him apply to Lancaster or York. Collegiate campus universities sound like they will suit him far better.

my eldest is at Lancaster and loves it. All first years are in a college on campus. They then have around 1500 places for second and third years on campus too. It’s a fabulous university. There is a big new sports complex with great climbing facilities all on campus.

@Tisforptarmigan

How are things today, OP?

Has he been able to make an appointment with one of the Counsellors?

I mentioned Birmingham as a potential University for him, should it become clear that he doesn't want to stay with his current course.

I didn't go to Birmingham myself as a student, but I have been to the campus for events and I really liked it there.

I see that some of the students there are involved in designing racing cars. That might be something which interests your son.

https://www.ubracing.co.uk/

https://www.birmingham.ac.uk/schools/engineering/courses/undergraduate

One of the reasons I have suggested Birmingham is that it's that little bit closer to home.

Having said that, the ideal will be if he is somewhere where he can find his feet under his own steam; the perfect situation will be one where you are in touch with him and see him now and then but are in a position to observe him developing independence and confidence in a context which supports him in doing exactly that.

Agree . My son was at Lancaster and it really suited his personality. We now realise that he is ND he is in his 20s and there is more awareness. Other son’s girlfriend was at Bristol and she was ok but she acknowledges that it is a very competitive environment and drugs was a huge problem.

Hi. He hasn't been in touch for a while but I've managed to speak to some friends about him. Best friend thinks that I'm he has adhd (obviously not an expert) and said that he is asked to lots of social events at home but does not go to many. I think the problem is with him as much as the uni. He will not seek out or maintain friendships.

He probably is ND but have no diagnosis

We have been speaking to the university to get them to check on him and speak to him about changing personal tutor. They were initially reluctant saying that he was an adult and that there was nothing they could do. My husband told them that his son died in November and he wasn't about to lose another son they have agreed to mobilise someone to try to help

I think when students are struggling city/non campus universities can be an incredibly lonely and difficult environment.

Unless he wants to stay at Bristol I don't see any benefit in him staying since he is highly unlikely to be able to switch to another university and go into year 2. He's going to be better off leaving and applying now to start again as a fresher at a campus uni closer to home in September.

Good start, OP.

What’s this about the death of a brother or step brother in Nov? Surely that could be affecting DS?

Do,you actually know this or are you just guessing? I know someone who switched from Bristol to another uni very late in the first year. It was about 3 years ago.

Should have said. Step brother died from drug overdose. He was an addict and we had not seen him for many years so were not close. I don't think my son remembers meeting him so not adding to his struggles.

We feel we could have done more and don't want to make the same mistake

It's unusual for students to be able to switch to the second year of a degree course since degrees are not all taught to a common curriculum (in fact very few are). So whilst it's fairly common for kids to switch universities they generally have to start again in the first year.

This was my son's experience too. Most of his friends were considering leaving until they all met at the board games society, and now they are all supporting each other and thriving.

There are lots of societies at most unis, and it should be possible to find a group of people he gets along with, but he needs to go out and find them. Changing tutor will almost certainly help too.