My son just told me he hates uni

[Tisforptarmigan]

My son went back to uni yesterday. Once he was on the train he sent me a text saying how he hates his course and is very unhappy.
He said he hates where he is (Bristol) and doesn't like going drinking, so is just in his room all the time on his own.
His course tutor (researcher not lecturer) is Chinese and he finds him hard to understand, when he asks for help he is just told to google stuff. He said a lot of the work is just online rather than actual lectures so is just in his room watching his laptop on his own a lot.
We have told him that we will support him whatever he decides to do e,g quit and come home but he says that he wants to finish the year. Does anyone have any idea of other options he could have. Could he transfer the year just done to another uni for example?
He is in a basement uni flat and there is only his flat on that level so he hasn't made many friends and is alone a lot.
Can he change his course tutor?

YES to transferring. Make him aware there are MANY ways to solve this problem - and slogging through it alone is at the bottom of the list. It is so positive that he is talking to you. And pretty courageous that he forced himself to get on that train; I expect the dread must be almost crippling.

Bristol is four hours away … can you take a few days off work and go there yourself, i I might have some cheap guest accommodation if you call and explain you are going. It might seem a helicopter parent thing to do at this age but he has called you for help and he is young and vulnerable and he needs his support network. Needs his mum.

This is a MH first aid crisis right now. Once he’s over it, then you can talk about solutions. Btw I think some of the suggestions are fab - I also did ballroom dancing and some team sports and free Italian classes and all sorts and uni life definitely doesn’t have to be boozy. There are loads and loads of non-drinking folks at uni!

Sorry that should have read the UNIVERSITY might have some cheap accom for you to go and visit, worth calling them and explainning situation so they can actually help!

Maybe a smaller campus based uni would suit him more? I think Bristol is a large uni and you do have to be self motivated to find your people. I’ve heard great things about Lancaster and Sheffield. He can apply for halls as sort of a first year, why not?

It would depend on the uni and the course. My dd is 2nd year and is in halls, most unis have private halls which they can stay in during year 1-3/4. Maybe a uni closer to home would be more suitable? My dd is at uni in Bath and travels to Bristol and Cardiff, she’s not a drinker but likes live music so goes to gigs with friends, most of her friends don’t drink, I think more and more students are t total. He may have the same issue what ever uni he goes too unless he can find other things to do that doesn’t involve going drinking? It’s more about finding the right circle of friends.

If much of what he is doing is online could he finish the year from home? My son is in his third year on an almost 100% face to face course. He recently had a bad leg break and we worked out that he could do that. I would get him home, finishing his work and getting on the climbing wall.

Hi, OP -

Academic here. I am so sorry this is happening. Sadly it isn’t that uncommon. I will give my thoughts on several strands if your message.

I think it is positive that DS wants to finish the year, if only because this is a medium term goal to keep him going. I would definitely encourage that.

I don’t like to see academics on Research Track used as Personal Tutors and this example shows why. They are usually temporary, not invested in the school, have little to no experience of student life, and as the job title suggests, heavily prioritise research. They don’t have the time or experience to do the PT job right. (That the PT has a heavy Chinese accent is something I would expect a student to cope with, but it is not the crux of this problem)

In my (strong Russell Group) School DS could request a change of PT for personal reasons but this would need to be done delicately. The context below would help

DS really needs to engage with Student Support Services. He also needs to figure out whether he has a clinical Dx. If he does, working with the Office for Students with Disabilities (whatever it may be called) is important. The accommodations they can arrange do no more than level the playing field. It is stupid not to make use of them. An officer from OSD can also advocate for registered students with Mitigating Circumstances Panels and there is a reasonable chance your DS might be finding this helpful

Students engaging with their School Student Support Officer and with DSO are often prioritised for experienced and caring PTs. If DS engages this way, he can then request a ‘more experienced’ PT without slagging off this one.

I agree with all the PPs that students who don’t drink find the ones who do particularly visible. They need to work harder to find their people, but they can do it! A reasonable percentage of UGs are now teetotal.

As @AlwaysFreezing says, a transfer depends on good co-ordination between the organisation of degree programmes and may tacitly require a 2.1 in Y1 also. I think the latter is a big ask for a student in distress.
Furthermore if there is any doubt about the depth of DS’ Y1 knowledge, re-starting will be much more academically sound. Student Finance allows this, and it is much easier to arrange. Everyone understands that you sometimes make the wrong choice. You do need to be able to discuss what went wrong and what steps you have taken to prevent a recurrence.

Best wishes to your DS

There are at least two climbing centres that are easily accessible by bus (even walkable) from the Centre, if that would help his MH

You say it may help next year if he takes his car…. Does that mean he already has a car but has been told first years can’t get a parking space on site? If that is the case, consider speaking to parking about special circumstances. We did for our son, they were so lovely and accommodating. I’m sure with your son’s mental health condition they would understand he may suddenly need to leave campus and get home?

I changed uni after year 1. If he is able to get through until the end then this is definitely an option. His health comes first so if necessary just tell him to come home and you can make a plan moving forward. I hope he is okay.

I live right near a uni and many local young people go to it because they don’t want to move a long way from home. Some live at home and some live in student accommodation but are able to go home whenever they like. That might suit your son better? My son did go a to a uni 5 hours away and could never come home but it was right for him. There are many students who don’t drink, so I agree about looking for clubs etc.

Could he transfer to Sheffield? There is a massive climbing community there. They seem to arrive as students and never leave.

Would a more local university be an option? Is his course quite a niche one? I am surprised many of his lectures are online. I know many universities record lectures now but they are usually available in person too. DS has one online lecture a week, the rest are in person.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-bristol-45624695

https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/students-suicides-universities-mental-health-parents-b2358094.html

Bristol Uni in particular have had experience of students struggling. They more than others would respond to you and your son, I would think.

My DD hated her uni in the pandemic and transferred to one closer to home. She lost a year but it was worth it, as she is now coming out with a first.

Poetry and wine. thank you so much. This is so helpful I will send this info to my son and encourage him to take action as you have outlined.

You need to explore a bit more with him. Is he struggling with the content of his course? He might find the way it is taught the issue rather than the subject itself - so try for the same subject in a different university. He may hate the subject now but thinks a different subject would still appeal. He may have decided residential university is not for him but be interested in the Open University, Or he may wish to quit university entirely and look for a job or a degree apprenticeship.

I've known a couple of friends whose children quit their first course. Both went to other universities, graduated and are working now.

Let him know it's not unusual, but good to see out the year if he can while exploring different social activities. Offer to help look into other options for next year once you know which options interest him.

Where roughly are you based. What other unis, what other courses is he interested in? Has he contacted them? They'll be and to advise or how easy it is to transfer.

Mental health is absolutely the top priority - if he has been suicidal in the past then that is a massive red flag. It is boys who are most at risk here.

His accommodation sounds depressing in itself, and a course that is mainly self-directed online is not good at all. And costing him a fortune!

I think your role is to tell him that you are there for him whatever he decides, that nothing else matters except his well-being, that jacking it in (if that is what he wants) is 100% OK. If he wants to stick it out then he needs to be nudged in the direction of the support services at Bristol - look them up and make sure he has all the info he needs.

Students need to speak up about failings in their courses - a tutor who is incomprehensible is useless - but in order to do that you need to feel confident and well, which your son is not at present.

I would prioritise his mental health and suggest he jacks it in for now, comes home and regroups.

My sons both hated living away from home. They completed their first year, and even though they could've transferred to the second year at the local university, decided to repeat their years again. They both graduated with first class honours.

We live in north wales close to Chester. My daughter lives in Manchester and is lovely and would help if he went there.

I think he loves the practical side and labs but not much of that at the moment. He is doing an engineering degree

It’s awful not enjoying my uni. One of my friends got depression the first year.
I had some very strange people in my halls and I was ready to leave (especially when the nicest girl there left!) but then my best friend of 20 years moved in. I think I would have quit otherwise. I wanted to be back at home, or atleast with my friends. Luckily I enjoyed my course and the people on that were more my tribe so to speak. So second year was much better as we didn’t live in halls anymore! So I really feel for your son. The first year is almost done so that’s good he wants to complete it!

The summer term is often a short one - they do some new work but are then into revising and sitting exams. How long does he need to actually be on site at Bristol? Can he do the minimum and then come home to revise, just popping back for exams? (or is lab work a problem, needs to be on site for that?)

Definitely try to get better from student support. Meanwhile, is there another source of support (halls and/or Student Union rather than tutor) that can help.

I think the best plan - if he can do it - is to finish Year 1 and then transfer elsewhere for Years 2 & 3. Obviously getting a good grade for Year 1 will help with this.
If not, draw a line and start again (maybe a degree apprenticeship?)

I know that Russell Group are sold as 'the best' but the non-RG often have better student support. (this is a generalisation, check specific details)

Bristol and cars do not go well together.

What has he arranged about accommodation for next year?

Thanks, OP.

I see you are focused on the NW. It does sound like DS should investigate Manchester but perhaps also Sheffield and Lancaster which are reasonably close to DD and to you.

Manchester has the reputation of being the most alcohol-fuelled of the three, and is in the city centre cheek by jowl with one of the UK’s most, um, vibrant club scenes. Sheffield and Lancaster are smaller, with better reputations for student support, and in hill country. As PP said, Sheffield is famous for the climbing also.

Sheffield is tops for engineering and of course Manchester is excellent. People don’t realise that Lancaster has come on by leaps and bounds in the last few years. IMO Lancaster and Glasgow are now the hidden gems of British HE (I have no allegiance to either).

( A little while back I was saying that about Bath but then its cover was blown by the Times.)

He has a house arranged for next year with people from his course.

He originally applied to (and was accepted for) York and Lancaster as well as Bristol l and they might be a better fit for him.