My son just told me he hates uni

[Tisforptarmigan]

My son went back to uni yesterday. Once he was on the train he sent me a text saying how he hates his course and is very unhappy.
He said he hates where he is (Bristol) and doesn't like going drinking, so is just in his room all the time on his own.
His course tutor (researcher not lecturer) is Chinese and he finds him hard to understand, when he asks for help he is just told to google stuff. He said a lot of the work is just online rather than actual lectures so is just in his room watching his laptop on his own a lot.
We have told him that we will support him whatever he decides to do e,g quit and come home but he says that he wants to finish the year. Does anyone have any idea of other options he could have. Could he transfer the year just done to another uni for example?
He is in a basement uni flat and there is only his flat on that level so he hasn't made many friends and is alone a lot.
Can he change his course tutor?

Make a list of all the people you / he needs to contact.

He / you can email his tutor, (especially to say that one lecturer's accent is so strong he can't understand him, can he be changed immediately? ) head of course / dept and also student services today. Check exactly what he needs to complete to get the credits for this year, ie any coursework, any lab work, any upcoming exams.

Think about support he might need, MH help, GP, even if it's too late to get anything from Bristol arranged for this year (eg counselling) , it needs to be arranged at new uni.

Email new unis, re transfer arrangements. Getting himself out of his Bristol house contract for next year : does he need you find a replacement? , and some accommodation arranged at new uni.

Loads to do, but all manageable.

This is a good plan, OP. Believing that you must carry on can be a sign of depression

Best wishes to you all

Good luck op hope everything works out for your son.

What about Bangor uni? Welsh unis have a reputation for being friendly. He could come home easily for weekends.
I teach at a small uni in South west London. It is very small but has one of the highest rates for student satisfaction. A student I teach transferred from Exeter (Law) to our local uni and she loves it. Everyone knows everyone. It is very safe, cosy and friendly.
I would look at Bangor or Aber unis

The absolute first thing you need to do @Tisforptarmigan is let your son know that he can come home (and quit) whenever he wants if he’s had enough. He needs to know there’s a safety net and that he can leave without judgement if he needs to

He said he's the only non Chinese person in his group so is finding it really hard. Agree that he is depressed and can't see a way out. He thinks the only option is to continue. We have tried to get him medical help in the past but he just won't engage.

We managed to get gp to do a home visit and he just barricaded himself in his bedroom and refused to utter a word to them. That was about 3 years ago but he has not improved since then.

It's heartbreaking

I didn’t like the university I was at and felt very down in the first year as it was far away from home. I finished the first year and I transferred my second year to another university close to home so it can be done. He just needs to contact the university he wants to transfer to.

I'd definitely look into switching universities. Sheffield would be a good option looking at his degree, and fantastic for climbing being on the edge of the peak district. I was at Sheffield for uni and there were lots of climbing groups around. Would be approx 2 hour train journey from your area so easy to jump on a train on Friday after uni and head back on Sunday.

Oh, OP, the MH side of things sounds heartbreaking as does being the only Home student in his group. I like Chinese students on the whole but I imagine they speak together in Mandarin and make no effort to include him. This was very poor planning within the School.

Gently, although gap years aren’t generally recommended in STEM, your DS needs to be in good shape mentally before beginning the next stage of his education. Hopefully that happens over the summer but only if he engages. He will feel much more like finding his tribe when his brain is in better shape, he will find it easier to understand academic material, etc. Everything will be less of a struggle. He really owes it to himself to investigate a Dx. Many of the best minds in STEM are under treatment!

Just to clarify something OP and others, your som's 'tutor' is probably the 'personal tutor' who deals with pastoral stuff and academic progress, but he will have several actual academic lecturers teaching him- lecturing, running seminars etc. He can talk to any of them- they will have drop in office hours. I'm very surprised to hear any course is mostly online- I don't know any uni teaching like that now. Could be he is just watching the recorded lectures meant for people who are ill? There must be inperson stuff he should be attending- but a lot of students are chronically absent. Best of luck to both of you.

I was wondering this too.

On the isolation front, If he leaves Bristol you will need to do research elsewhere, but has he tried this cub? https://www.bristolsu.org.uk/groups/bristol-climbing-and-mountaineering-ubmc-1970

Almost every university will have a climbing club. They will coordinate group transport, arrange trips and this one says it has sober socials.

vital that he feels he can come home and try something else next year though. A gap year would be good to have a year without exam pressure.

Poor lad it sounds miserable.
if he is happy to stick it out and pass the year at this point that is probably the best option and start looking into new courses either entering 2nd year or 1st year again next year.
I think a lot can depend on where you end up living and who with which is pot luck. We were worried about my niece who is very introverted but has ended up with a nice bunch of flatmates and is apparently thriving.

in the meantime it ought to be possible to change course tutor. Ultimately it may be that uni, at least living away for uni, is not for him.

https://www.theclimbingacademy.com/locations/the-church/ There are 2 climbing walls in St Werburghs which is very easily accessible from the city centre.

https://blocclimbing.co.uk/

The bit about his whole group as well as his tutor being foreign students from one country is piss poor - the Uni should be hauled over the coals about that when they already have a poor reputation for student mental health. No wonder he feels excluded. However it might mean it’s a possible fix if he could move to a different group with a new tutor?

Really feel for you OP. I have a DD who really struggled with lockdown and found it hard to get herself back. She also wouldn’t speak to anyone but eventually I persuaded her to have a one off appt with a private therapist. She then saw them regularly online and it helped massively with the negative thinking she was stuck in. I was lucky we could afford that as an option but it was worth every penny. She was going to uni but decided against it and is now on a stable career pathway and doing well. Two of her pals dropped out of uni and one went elsewhere and was really happy they moved. The other did an apprenticeship type course. It’s a good thing he’s talked to you but it took me ages to get my DD to recognise that talking to someone really skilled might help her mood more than me! We negotiated for months on her doing that one appt! But something clicked. Student support and various clubs/associations suggested by others also seem like a good shout.

Sod the course and get him home. My daughter hated her first year and dropped out. Had a year at home and then decided to go on a completely different course. Just finished her degree last year and loved it!

If this was one of mine they can come home. My children being happy it what means the most and there health

Main emphasis is that he can definitely come home with 100% support from you and family. Bristol does sadly have a reputation for poor MH support.

In my experience, if he asks to change his tutor he won't be listened to. The department will be fully aware of his tutor's limitations.
However, if he approaches student wellbeing and is able to enlist them in advocating for a change of tutor because his current one has contributed to/ ignored his current poor mental health , he will be successful. A few years back, sadly, there was a spate of student suicides at Bristol. The university pledged to focus more on student wellbeing. Remind them of that pledge.
He may need a letter from his GP outlining his history. In the meantime, bring him home.

He should be able to transfer, maybe he'd be happier closer to home.

He should contact students services asap for support and guidance, he's nearly done the year so may even be able to do exams from home to finish if his mental health is suffering. Then he probably could start in the second year elsewhere.

Has he already got accommodation sorted for next year?

How much of it is online? If it's basically all of it can be move back home and finish the year from there?

Of course finishing the year is not the priority here, but it might be an option?

He didn't talk to us at all over Easter.

This leapt out at me. Do you mean he did not talk about the course, or he did not talk at all?

His mental health problems need to be all that matters at the moment. Young male students are very vulnerable, and Bristol has a bad track record with this.

It is indeed piss poor, as another poster has said, that he has been placed in a group who are all from China - they could all be as nice as pie, but your son is going to feel himself to be on the sidelines. Making friends with individual foreign students is one thing, but being isolated in the group is quite another.

Students often worry about letting their parents down and he needs to know that this is simply not part of the equation - and he needs to continually hear that. It needs to be the first statement in any discussions.

I have worked with depressed teenagers - the boys keep it all inside and tragic outcomes can result. Sorry to be the voice of doom when you are already worried, but I do think his mental health needs to be the sole focus. Never mind other possible courses etc.

I also think there is another aspect to his alienation / depression. Being the only white boy amongst a completely Chinese / completely Asian group in Accountancy / IT / Engineering / Computing / Maths, is not unheard of, but can be very lonely.