Misery at Exeter

[ExeterWoes]

Looking for perspectives really. And I've namechanged as I had a very identifying thread back in the day...

My daughter was thrilled to get A's at A level and get her firm choice of Exeter uni. She's been wanting to go for years and when we visited on offers day she was really excited at the thought of going there. We went to all her offer uni open days and Exeter won her heart (offers were from Sheffield, UEA, Sussex and York as well as Exeter). She worked really hard because she was so focussed on getting her offer grades.

I took her there on Saturday, she moved in to her room in her chosen halls - great room, great view, everything she was hoping for. Flatmates seemed a bit unfriendly but we wrote it off as nerves.

She has just called me in tears and is hating it. She feels like it really isn't the place for her. She's been out with people, she's talked to loads of societies, she just totally feels like a fish out of water. For the record she is quite alternative looking - short hair, piercings, a few (small) tattoos, dresses in baggy tees, combats and sweatshirts. She feels she really doesn't fit in and is not feeling very welcomed by either her flatmates or any of the societies she's been interested in. She's also gay and very open about it which she feels has made her an outlier in her apartment. She's not sporty and never has been so meeting friends that way isn't an option.

She has already spoken to UEA which was her second favourite and they will take her for her chosen course but she has to make the decision by tomorrow midday... which is very soon. Also there's no accommodation left on campus, only in Norwich centre which feels like it could be another mistake if she's away from everyone else. I'm not so worried about UEA itself - I loved it there on the offer visit and I remember saying to her that it felt like a fantastic place to go. I also think she may actually be happier there... just a feeling though, I have no real proof of this.

My son, who is just about to start second year at Sheffield Uni, thinks she should give it another week/two weeks and then drop out and take a year out rather than make a hurried decision to go to UEA. He had a gap year and loved it, loved applying with grades in hand but then he did his A'levels in 2021 and loads of them had a gap year just to have a bit of normal life after covid lockdown times. He also landed himself an ace job in the industry he wanted to work in eventually so it wasn't a hardship for him. He also said he always thought Exeter was a weird choice for her.

She's quite fragile - has had history of self harm and depression and the last thing I want for her is to be unhappy. But equally, I don't want her to rush into something she may regret. Neither my husband or myself went to uni - we are so proud of her but we have no real experience in this.

It's so far away from us too - I can't just get in the car and go to her.

Not exactly that but not far off tbh

That's just a ridiculous statement. I can only assume lots on this thread don't know what UEA/UAE (!) is and think it's a post 92 institution (nowt wrong with that but we all know how some MNers view those...)

UEA is an original plate glass of the Warwick/York / Lancaster era. It's very well established and highly regarded in many field especially Creative Writing/ things like speech therapy/psychology and the social sciences.

It's ABB for geography at UEA - a long long way off DD.

Tbh, unless oxbridge and a select few that are very prestigious for certain subjects e.g. Imperial for STEM or LSE for economics. Providing in that it places in the top 30 employers view it much of a muchness and are more bothered about degree classification than institution. If DD is happy at UEA she is likely to do better and a 1st from UEA is far more impressive than 2:1 at Exeter.

Yes some of these comments are ridiculous. As I said up thread I thought OP's DD should have stuck it out for longer and I don't like the thought that she's made the decision for possibly the wrong reasons and essentially let a class inferiority complex scare her off, but bloody hell, it's UEA, not <insert random ex IHE which might be great for some things but not geography> 🙄

I've got a daughter at Lancaster and another just started UEA. Both are great unis - lots going on, supportive, friendly - and the courses are excellent, reflected in the high offers both my girls had to meet. I compare this to the Uni of Bristol - high prestige, Russell group, one of the homes of Oxbridge rejects - where a comparable course was just ok and the pastoral care ain't great.

Ha! we lived in the UAE for two years many moons ago. She would NOT be going to uni there!

Wow

Did that make you feel good? Did it? On an overwhelmingly supportive thread there is always some absolute arsehole and I thought it was Xenia.

One of my friend's children is going to uni in a UAE country! They have remote campuses connected to UK universities as well as their own universities so UK/British nationals can go there.

After talking more to her and to other (much) younger work colleagues if Exeter fits for you it will fit. It just wasn't right for my daughter. It will be right for very many other young people.

Norwich is much more like a city version of the small town we live in and as I said way back at the beginning, I do think it will suit her better in the end. Just a feeling. She isn't sporty, preppy or posh. She's tattooed, pierced, mixed race, gay loves guitars, gigs and art - UEA could just be a much better fit - it certainly seems so from lots of comments on here from people who have loved it there and from a couple of friends of mine who went there, albeit many years ago. We may be middle class (although I'm from a working class bg and would have been considered so had I not moved into the wanky industry I work in.. I've spent my life "passing.") but we're also quite arty and alternative and maybe that's a factor. Who knows? Maybe this thread has given other parents something to think about. She's passionate about her subject and will get a good degree I reckon. Anyway, I have been looking for things to do in Norwich and because it is closer to home, I'm going to take her for a splendid afternoon tea at the Assembly House and a mooch about the lanes and market before she comes home for Christmas. There's always a silver lining.

This really resonated. Thank you for sharing. Now the dust has settled, I think she has done the right thing for her. I'm sorry your daughter went through such a tough time and this was absolutely something I wanted to avoid, especially with someone so fragile sometimes.

I wish your daughter well for the future. Paris is an incredible city. Back in the pre Brexit days my daughter was interested in studying there as my dad is now French and my parents have lived in France for 18 years. That was before she abandoned the language at GCSE though...

oh god no... she is very independent and has a very strong sense of self. She owns this decision.

Hi @ExeterWoes i get what you’re saying and I appreciate that you recognise Exeter can be a good fit for many students.

As such I rather wish you had titled this thread something less judgemental maybe “Fresher DD unhappy at uni”, rather than Exeter Misery.

I agree that firm what you’ve said about your DD Exeter isn’t the best fit, perhaps Bristol, Birmingham or another, large city would also have suited. Hopefully UEA will be a good fit. But Exeter Misery? From an op called Exeter Woes? Rather sweeping statements there and unfair on the thousands of students who are happy at Exeter.

I hope that prospective students/parents are not put off by your DDs very short experience, and I genuinely wish your DD well, ultimately we all work better in an environment that suits us.

It’s called “Misery at Exeter” which is a good description of the DD’s feelings. Read before telling the OP off!

Jesus.. let's just write her off now. People can be ok and indeed thrive without a prestigious uni behind them

I grew up on a sink estate in Edinburgh, my mum had me when she was 16, I scraped into an academy (when that meant anything in Scotland) and got a really decent base education. Moved to London, went to a below standard comp which only started a sixth form the year I went into it. The school had zero idea how to get us to uni. Despite the fact our A level teacher went off piste and taught us the wrong Shakespeare for an entire term, I got an A in English and didn't do too badly in my other three A levels. Still didn't get to uni. I'm very well regarded in my industry, have worked al over the world, and have done well due to sheer graft, being very creative and not letting things like class, where I went to uni and my lack of contacts get in the way.

My daughter is forged in steel... she's going to be ok. She may not eventually work for an investment bank or the big four or be headhunted by masters of industry but she has an eye on politics and the environment and I believe that she has the drive and ambition that she needs for whatever she wants to do. Exeter wasn't it. We were dazzled by the prestige but in the end it wasn't right for her. My son (thankfully before the start of the bloody term) turned down a place at a more 'prestigious' uni to go to Sheffield last year. I have no doubt he'll be fine too.

It was called Exeter Misery because my daughter WAS miserable. Utterly so.

It wasn't called "every student at Exeter is miserable" because that clearly isn't the case. And I wasn't attempting to speak for every student, just the one. Who was miserable. But hopefully won't be after a mammoth drive tomorrow.

Mind you I might be miserable because I'm actually doing the driving. But that would just be me. And not every parent who drives to and from Exeter 😚

I'd love to know that's she's made the right choice and settles in well

I thinks it's great she trusted her instinct and was at least able to go elsewhere

I'm sure it'll work out for her

I've done similar moves based on my instincts and they tend to work out for the best

When you know you know

You're great for supporting her OP because that's also very important

In fact the one bloody time I thought I'd stick something out instead of leaving and trusting my instincts it really bit me on the arse and ruined my life for a quite a while and it really needn't have

Wishing her lots of luck.
Young adults have to make their own decisions and she knows what’s best for her.
It’s a great uni and she’ll be very employable.

Sadly Mumsnet has a fair number of conservative (small c and big c) snobs who regard certain universities as “prestigious”more to do with their popularity among the privately educated than anything else.

Sheffield (and UEA) are great Unis. Their relatively low % of the privately schooled says to me their student body is likely naturally smarter as more of their students got their without as many parental £££ being thrown at them.

Your DD decided (ok, later than was ideally convenient) not to buy into the bullshit. More power to her.

She’ll be grand. Good luck in her new Uni and I hope the drive is not too painful!

Hope she enjoys UEA OP. I was unhappy at my first Uni and dropped out for my second choice, and I barely ever think about that time.

OP you sound like an awesome mum. I was one saying she could give it longer, but now that the decision is made the only important thing is how she frames this story to herself. If she goes to UEA thinking it the best decision she could have made, she will see all the positives and make it into a great experience. Your attitude sounds great and will be massively helpful in that.

FWIW I am an organizational psychologist and have worked in hiring at all levels across industries, including the banks, big 4, etc. etc. Very few set the same store by Oxbridge et al that they used to, partly because the value of other things (grades, extracurricular, attitude, etc.) are better understood now and partly because there is a much greater onus on employers to demonstrate parity across different socioeconomic groups, etc., so have to avoid over emphasis on this. The experience she has is more important than a few notches on the league table.

Your dd sounds like a young woman who knows her mind, even if she is being influenced by her peers for now. It is impressive that she worked so hard and was accepted to Exeter and UEA and geography is a phantasmic subject to read.

Would you be happy to share if your dd did some interesting extra curricular activities that helped her boost her applications?

fantastic