Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

Original poster

Misery at Exeter

423 replies

ExeterWoes · 19/09/2023 19:29

Looking for perspectives really. And I've namechanged as I had a very identifying thread back in the day...

My daughter was thrilled to get A's at A level and get her firm choice of Exeter uni. She's been wanting to go for years and when we visited on offers day she was really excited at the thought of going there. We went to all her offer uni open days and Exeter won her heart (offers were from Sheffield, UEA, Sussex and York as well as Exeter). She worked really hard because she was so focussed on getting her offer grades.

I took her there on Saturday, she moved in to her room in her chosen halls - great room, great view, everything she was hoping for. Flatmates seemed a bit unfriendly but we wrote it off as nerves.

She has just called me in tears and is hating it. She feels like it really isn't the place for her. She's been out with people, she's talked to loads of societies, she just totally feels like a fish out of water. For the record she is quite alternative looking - short hair, piercings, a few (small) tattoos, dresses in baggy tees, combats and sweatshirts. She feels she really doesn't fit in and is not feeling very welcomed by either her flatmates or any of the societies she's been interested in. She's also gay and very open about it which she feels has made her an outlier in her apartment. She's not sporty and never has been so meeting friends that way isn't an option.

She has already spoken to UEA which was her second favourite and they will take her for her chosen course but she has to make the decision by tomorrow midday... which is very soon. Also there's no accommodation left on campus, only in Norwich centre which feels like it could be another mistake if she's away from everyone else. I'm not so worried about UEA itself - I loved it there on the offer visit and I remember saying to her that it felt like a fantastic place to go. I also think she may actually be happier there... just a feeling though, I have no real proof of this.

My son, who is just about to start second year at Sheffield Uni, thinks she should give it another week/two weeks and then drop out and take a year out rather than make a hurried decision to go to UEA. He had a gap year and loved it, loved applying with grades in hand but then he did his A'levels in 2021 and loads of them had a gap year just to have a bit of normal life after covid lockdown times. He also landed himself an ace job in the industry he wanted to work in eventually so it wasn't a hardship for him. He also said he always thought Exeter was a weird choice for her.

She's quite fragile - has had history of self harm and depression and the last thing I want for her is to be unhappy. But equally, I don't want her to rush into something she may regret. Neither my husband or myself went to uni - we are so proud of her but we have no real experience in this.

It's so far away from us too - I can't just get in the car and go to her.

OP posts:
GodessOfThunder · 25/09/2023 12:16

curaçao · 25/09/2023 10:22

I have to disagree with this decision.i nean to give up after 2 days does not bode well.

Or you could say it bodes extremely well for making bold decisions

Orange67 · 25/09/2023 15:24

Well, I would say giving up on your "dream" 2 days in is pretty bold.

Fickle.

Hotsaucegal · 25/09/2023 15:34

Can we refrain from being to critical she’s 18 ffs and OP has described her as fragile. I agree I would have encouraged her to stick it out a little longer but she’s made her choice and we should respect that without resorting to name calling.

Marmalade71 · 25/09/2023 15:43

Agreed @Hotsaucegal it's quite possible to think this was a hasty decision, made without the full facts, but to also not denigrate the OP's DD or the uni she's chosen

Em2ds1dd · 25/09/2023 17:01

Or the uni she’s withdrawn from

GodessOfThunder · 25/09/2023 17:24

Orange67 · 25/09/2023 15:24

Well, I would say giving up on your "dream" 2 days in is pretty bold.

Fickle.

She’d already gone off Exeter before she got there.

Have you never reversed a major life decision?

If not, loosen up and live a little ;)

GodessOfThunder · 25/09/2023 17:26

Hotsaucegal · 25/09/2023 15:34

Can we refrain from being to critical she’s 18 ffs and OP has described her as fragile. I agree I would have encouraged her to stick it out a little longer but she’s made her choice and we should respect that without resorting to name calling.

Exactly!

I suspect the critics are a mix of: bods with kids at Exeter, bods who went to Exeter, bods who are very conventional in seeking “prestige” as deemed so by others and judgmental misery guts.

StartupRepair · 25/09/2023 22:13

OP your daughter will remember this as you being on her side. It will all be OK.

DorkingMum · 25/09/2023 23:13

GodessOfThunder · 25/09/2023 17:26

Exactly!

I suspect the critics are a mix of: bods with kids at Exeter, bods who went to Exeter, bods who are very conventional in seeking “prestige” as deemed so by others and judgmental misery guts.

Edited
Show quote history

@GodessOfThunder Is there any chance you could take your relentless Exeter-bashing elsewhere?

The OP started her post with Looking for perspectives really and that’s what people have provided. Some people support her DD’s decision and others clearly think it was made too hastily. If the OP just wanted to rant, or a shoulder to cry on then she should have made it clearer.

As someone pointed out, this isn’t really about Exeter, it’s about a fragile young student making a sudden U-turn away from her previous ‘dream’, based on two days of freshers week and heavily influenced by friends. It could just as easily be Durham, or Birmingham, or Leeds, or Cardiff or wherever. The issues and reactions would likely be the same.

The discussion is irrelevant now anyway as the DD has moved. I hope it works out for her at UEA.

curaçao · 25/09/2023 23:57

GodessOfThunder · 25/09/2023 12:16

Or you could say it bodes extremely well for making bold decisions

Show quote history

Or cowardly decisions many would say!

NewspaperTaxis · 26/09/2023 00:11

It's quite funny, this thread, it reminds me of one where a Mum complained about her son getting a good job and then being fired for messing up, it went to several pages like this and you had to wonder about the poor sod who might have read it, because as with most Mumsnet threads, some were sympathetic and others totally put the boot in!
For many pages, I thought it would be nice for the OP to show this to her daughter because a lot of it is very constructive and helpful - but then natural order resumes and a few emerge to put the boot in! All the same, it's a brilliant thread worth parents showing to any kid thinking about uni, esp a prestigious one. It's really hard to envisage how it might be because, frankly, at school you never get the chance to even meet posh people of the kind often at the top universities, that's just one reason.
Another mad reason is that until I went to uni, I never ever met any students nor ever went to a campus or anything except for a purpose-led visit to check it out. And since I left uni, I have never ever met any students or visited a uni to speak of, the whole thing is quite secluded and set apart from society in a way I tend to find quite sinister.
It's almost a bit like the care homes you may have to put your parents in, in later life, you just don't know what you or they are getting in to, and many protect their reputation at all costs.

GodessOfThunder · 26/09/2023 07:33

curaçao · 25/09/2023 23:57

Or cowardly decisions many would say!

Show quote history

i once went to the airport with a ticket for one destination I’d been dreaming of visiting for ages. I very nearly boarded the plane. But for the previous week or so I had had some nagging doubts about whether it was the right place to go on holiday. At the check in desk I walked away, then bought a ticket (at more expense) to another destination departing the next day. The trip was brilliant - it changed my life.

Was I a “coward”?

fortyfifty · 26/09/2023 08:14

It does seem a bit odd that some posters are being excessively negative about the OPs dd's decision. Why so invested?

Did anyone get to university and dins the reality of it matches their ideas or expectations about it? Even if you loved it, did it play out exactly as you'd thought it would?

AboutRound · 26/09/2023 08:26

fortyfifty · 26/09/2023 08:14

It does seem a bit odd that some posters are being excessively negative about the OPs dd's decision. Why so invested?

Did anyone get to university and dins the reality of it matches their ideas or expectations about it? Even if you loved it, did it play out exactly as you'd thought it would?

I think it’s probably the ones that are invested in Exeter (most likely have DC there or with offers) that are being weird about it.

People are rarely able to be objective when their DC are concerned and usually come at something in terms of their own experience IME.

DorkingMum · 26/09/2023 08:54

fortyfifty · 26/09/2023 08:14

It does seem a bit odd that some posters are being excessively negative about the OPs dd's decision. Why so invested?

Did anyone get to university and dins the reality of it matches their ideas or expectations about it? Even if you loved it, did it play out exactly as you'd thought it would?

It seems to me that the posters criticising the DD’s decision have (rightly) focused on two key elements - the ridiculously short period of time she tried life at the uni, and the influence of her friends who have convinced her to join them at her former second choice Uni instead.

The OP admits that she and her DH have no experience of uni which is why she was interested in getting perspectives. However it seems that anything other than applause and support for the DD is deemed excessively negative?

FWIW, both of mine would probably have left their first choice uni in the first few days given half a chance - it’s a bizarre and unsettling experience for most. I certainly had tearful phone calls for the first few days.Thankfully they didn’t have friends urging them to move elsewhere and they got stuck in and 2-3 weeks were loving it.

So yeah, actually I think this was a bit of a crap decision all round OP. Sorry.

Piggywaspushed · 26/09/2023 08:59

It's been made now and there really is no point in banging on about it.

Marmalade71 · 26/09/2023 09:02

Unless I'm mistaken we've not heard from OP since they did the changeover at the weekend. Hope it went well @ExeterWoes and that your DD is now happy and ready for the next step

Boulezvous · 26/09/2023 09:18

I think there is quite a bit of snobbery about universities and some people are very invested in the red brick status and rankings. I’m not sure it is a good indicator of how happy you’ll be. But I did talk to both my DC a lot about what to expect when you go to uni as I was all too aware that idealising what a brilliant time you will have might not live up to reality - especially at the beginning.

My DD was very snobby about going to a campus university - why would I want to go and live in a field outside a town - she was really taken with city campuses with the energy of city life at. her doorstep. DS needed a softer landing and enthusiastically went to a campus university. Both had some tough times at points.

in my day switching was much less common and I think I would never have thought it was an option - you just got on with it. My parents lived through the war and were very make do and mend.. But then I do recall my boyfriend was at Exeter for a year and then switched to come to Nottingham where I met him!

Lampzade · 26/09/2023 12:53

DorkingMum · 26/09/2023 08:54

It seems to me that the posters criticising the DD’s decision have (rightly) focused on two key elements - the ridiculously short period of time she tried life at the uni, and the influence of her friends who have convinced her to join them at her former second choice Uni instead.

The OP admits that she and her DH have no experience of uni which is why she was interested in getting perspectives. However it seems that anything other than applause and support for the DD is deemed excessively negative?

FWIW, both of mine would probably have left their first choice uni in the first few days given half a chance - it’s a bizarre and unsettling experience for most. I certainly had tearful phone calls for the first few days.Thankfully they didn’t have friends urging them to move elsewhere and they got stuck in and 2-3 weeks were loving it.

So yeah, actually I think this was a bit of a crap decision all round OP. Sorry.

Show quote history

Absolutely
I just thought that two or three days wasn’t long enough to decide whether she wanted to remain at Exeter, she hadn’t even started lectures.
The university ranking was not the issue for me at all. I would have said the same thing if she had been at UEA and wanted to go to Exeter.
Op’s dd has made her decision so I wish her the best

Original poster
ExeterWoes · 26/09/2023 19:25

I haven't read any replies since Friday evening as the weekend was quite busy and intense and the past two days at work have been crazy. So apologies if I update and have missed something that someone thought essential to read.

Well...] I drove the many, many hours to pick her up and she seemed ok as we moved things out but then broke down when we drove away in the car. She was a bit broken. I agreed not to question, she relaxed a bit so we drove for about an hour, stopped to have a pasty and a coffee and she explained.

It was more than not fitting in an I will actually be taking some things further. If she had stayed she would have had to move halls.. and if she had been more robust that may have been a possibility. Anyway, she's not, so that wasn't an option. She was also more unhappy than she thought she'd be at being so far away from home. We did the mammoth drive and let Rylan and Liza entertain us on the journey. I actually stayed on campus that night in their guest lodge and - aside from being noisy as there was a big club night on - it was as we remembered. Love the location and the feel. We wandered about, met up with her friends, it was really chilled and welcoming. Well the club night wasn't chilled but while she partied, I slept with earplugs! We moved her into the new place and it's pretty nice - she's thrilled that it is in the centre of Norwich and that her room is new, bigger than any we'd seen previously and on the quiet side of the building.

It was the right thing for her to do. And she maintains she's going to be a "superstar geography student." As one poster said, she will feel she needs to prove she was right! Better that she is happy, her mental health is protected as much as it could be and she actually enjoys her degree and time there. I like how she's only a couple of hours away and Norwich is a great place to visit.

Two days in, I've just called for an update and she seems settled and excited to have started the course. I've arranged to see her in a few weeks time and she was already thinking of places for us to go in the city.

Thank fuck I don't have anywhere to drive to this week though. Can highly recommend support socks for such mammoth trips and I least I finally mastered the cruise control.

OP posts:
MrsMatilda · 26/09/2023 20:35

Thanks for the update, what an epic journey in every sense of the word.
It's exciting to hear that your dd feels settled and has a lovely room but she probably needs an eye keeping on her due to her existing fragilities and the unexpected turn of events. After all this excitement she might be vulnerable to feeling low once things have settled and are a bit more normal. But hopefully she will love the course make new friends and enjoy time with old ones. It might not harm to reassure her that it may take a bit of time for it all to fall into place. Wishing you and your dd well.

kevinknowsimmiserabletho · 26/09/2023 20:42

ExeterWoes · 26/09/2023 19:25

I haven't read any replies since Friday evening as the weekend was quite busy and intense and the past two days at work have been crazy. So apologies if I update and have missed something that someone thought essential to read.

Well...] I drove the many, many hours to pick her up and she seemed ok as we moved things out but then broke down when we drove away in the car. She was a bit broken. I agreed not to question, she relaxed a bit so we drove for about an hour, stopped to have a pasty and a coffee and she explained.

It was more than not fitting in an I will actually be taking some things further. If she had stayed she would have had to move halls.. and if she had been more robust that may have been a possibility. Anyway, she's not, so that wasn't an option. She was also more unhappy than she thought she'd be at being so far away from home. We did the mammoth drive and let Rylan and Liza entertain us on the journey. I actually stayed on campus that night in their guest lodge and - aside from being noisy as there was a big club night on - it was as we remembered. Love the location and the feel. We wandered about, met up with her friends, it was really chilled and welcoming. Well the club night wasn't chilled but while she partied, I slept with earplugs! We moved her into the new place and it's pretty nice - she's thrilled that it is in the centre of Norwich and that her room is new, bigger than any we'd seen previously and on the quiet side of the building.

It was the right thing for her to do. And she maintains she's going to be a "superstar geography student." As one poster said, she will feel she needs to prove she was right! Better that she is happy, her mental health is protected as much as it could be and she actually enjoys her degree and time there. I like how she's only a couple of hours away and Norwich is a great place to visit.

Two days in, I've just called for an update and she seems settled and excited to have started the course. I've arranged to see her in a few weeks time and she was already thinking of places for us to go in the city.

Thank fuck I don't have anywhere to drive to this week though. Can highly recommend support socks for such mammoth trips and I least I finally mastered the cruise control.

Been following this for a long time. I'm so pleased she is happier, well done for being such a brilliant support. I wish I'd had a Mum like you at that age xx

ForeverbyJudyBlume · 26/09/2023 20:50

I’m so pleased!

A great friend of mine dropped out of Leeds way back in ancient times because it wasn’t working for her, went on to get a first at another university then do a MA in the US. These things happen.

Jng1 · 26/09/2023 21:50

Thanks for the update OP. Glad your DD is feeling a bit happier. Wishing you both all the best - hope it continues to go well for her. x

cassiatwenty · 26/09/2023 22:12

OP thank you for making an effort to update us, and I'm so pleased that DD has settling in well.

And it's good to know your DD avoided UAE and is settling in well in Norwich. It seems way more chill and happy 1st impressions are positive ☺️