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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

Original poster

Misery at Exeter

423 replies

ExeterWoes · 19/09/2023 19:29

Looking for perspectives really. And I've namechanged as I had a very identifying thread back in the day...

My daughter was thrilled to get A's at A level and get her firm choice of Exeter uni. She's been wanting to go for years and when we visited on offers day she was really excited at the thought of going there. We went to all her offer uni open days and Exeter won her heart (offers were from Sheffield, UEA, Sussex and York as well as Exeter). She worked really hard because she was so focussed on getting her offer grades.

I took her there on Saturday, she moved in to her room in her chosen halls - great room, great view, everything she was hoping for. Flatmates seemed a bit unfriendly but we wrote it off as nerves.

She has just called me in tears and is hating it. She feels like it really isn't the place for her. She's been out with people, she's talked to loads of societies, she just totally feels like a fish out of water. For the record she is quite alternative looking - short hair, piercings, a few (small) tattoos, dresses in baggy tees, combats and sweatshirts. She feels she really doesn't fit in and is not feeling very welcomed by either her flatmates or any of the societies she's been interested in. She's also gay and very open about it which she feels has made her an outlier in her apartment. She's not sporty and never has been so meeting friends that way isn't an option.

She has already spoken to UEA which was her second favourite and they will take her for her chosen course but she has to make the decision by tomorrow midday... which is very soon. Also there's no accommodation left on campus, only in Norwich centre which feels like it could be another mistake if she's away from everyone else. I'm not so worried about UEA itself - I loved it there on the offer visit and I remember saying to her that it felt like a fantastic place to go. I also think she may actually be happier there... just a feeling though, I have no real proof of this.

My son, who is just about to start second year at Sheffield Uni, thinks she should give it another week/two weeks and then drop out and take a year out rather than make a hurried decision to go to UEA. He had a gap year and loved it, loved applying with grades in hand but then he did his A'levels in 2021 and loads of them had a gap year just to have a bit of normal life after covid lockdown times. He also landed himself an ace job in the industry he wanted to work in eventually so it wasn't a hardship for him. He also said he always thought Exeter was a weird choice for her.

She's quite fragile - has had history of self harm and depression and the last thing I want for her is to be unhappy. But equally, I don't want her to rush into something she may regret. Neither my husband or myself went to uni - we are so proud of her but we have no real experience in this.

It's so far away from us too - I can't just get in the car and go to her.

OP posts:
Vandhana1986 · 21/09/2023 19:59

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

OVienna · 21/09/2023 20:22

The bit that would have me raging is the idea she may have been egged on by people who didn't get the grades for Exeter and pushed the UEA idea. I woukd struggle to maintain neutrality and not losey patience. Courage, OP. If she doesn't like UEA...she still has good A levels which will always mean she has options. Thinking of you.

Xenia · 21/09/2023 21:25

So she has now switched to UAE. My son's friend went there and is now (almost) an accountant - last exam this year after 3 years working with the firm where he went after UAE.

Teenage girls can be an utter nightmare (all those raging hormones); but the fact she has moved and she chose to change and it is not as if she has gone to a bottom of the league university probably means she will feel good about it and make the best of it so all will be well.

zozueme · 22/09/2023 06:51

I know it's just a typo but I love the idea she moved to UAE rather than UEA 😁

Piggywaspushed · 22/09/2023 06:52

Not sure it is.

BreatheAndFocus · 22/09/2023 07:33

OVienna · 21/09/2023 20:22

The bit that would have me raging is the idea she may have been egged on by people who didn't get the grades for Exeter and pushed the UEA idea. I woukd struggle to maintain neutrality and not losey patience. Courage, OP. If she doesn't like UEA...she still has good A levels which will always mean she has options. Thinking of you.

Exactly what I thought. It really seems like this is a mix of peer pressure and immaturity. She’d have been better deferring entry for a year so she could mature and gain some independence.

50lessfat · 22/09/2023 08:26

Your daughter has made her decision respect it and move on. I have made it clear to my DS (just turned 18 in August and started Uni September) that he is the driving force in his life now and he has to live with the consequences of his decisions. Of course we will be on hand to support him but he has to take full responsibility for the direction his life goes in from now on. He is on a 5 or 6 year (if he intercalates) medical degree so that is 2 or 3 more years accommodation support he’s getting off us anyway!

Ididivfama · 22/09/2023 08:51

What happened? Would be a bit sad if she went to a less good uni after feeling unsure for a few days. Do a decent term and switch if needed.

Ididivfama · 22/09/2023 08:51

I hope she’s not the sort to tell you off in a few years as you didn’t convince her to stay!

Ididivfama · 22/09/2023 08:52

BreatheAndFocus · 22/09/2023 07:33

Exactly what I thought. It really seems like this is a mix of peer pressure and immaturity. She’d have been better deferring entry for a year so she could mature and gain some independence.

Show quote history

Yeah it’s a bit sad

SandyThumb · 22/09/2023 09:21

It’s a shame, but it sounds like the OP’s DD had convinced herself (egged on by her friends) that Exeter wasn’t right for her, so it probably would have been a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Of course she’ll be ‘fine’ at UEA but it’s really not comparable - something like 50th in league table for Geography rather than Exeter’s top ten position? I think Geography at UEA was still being offered in Clearing too - no wonder they were delighted to take her!

Of course it’s impossible to know in the future how differently your life might have turned out if you’d chosen a different path - you just have to go for it and make the best of it. The irony of following her friends is that by Christmas she’ll probably have ditched them in favour of new friends anyway!

Peregrina · 22/09/2023 09:21

Why is this all a bit sad? It's not as though she has dropped out of the best university in the world for Geography to go to somewhere which only required a couple of Ds at A level.

AboutRound · 22/09/2023 09:24

SandyThumb · 22/09/2023 09:21

It’s a shame, but it sounds like the OP’s DD had convinced herself (egged on by her friends) that Exeter wasn’t right for her, so it probably would have been a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Of course she’ll be ‘fine’ at UEA but it’s really not comparable - something like 50th in league table for Geography rather than Exeter’s top ten position? I think Geography at UEA was still being offered in Clearing too - no wonder they were delighted to take her!

Of course it’s impossible to know in the future how differently your life might have turned out if you’d chosen a different path - you just have to go for it and make the best of it. The irony of following her friends is that by Christmas she’ll probably have ditched them in favour of new friends anyway!

Lol Exeter dropped its grades all over the shop massively in clearing this year, Geography included!!!

Jng1 · 22/09/2023 09:26

Ididivfama · 22/09/2023 08:51

I hope she’s not the sort to tell you off in a few years as you didn’t convince her to stay!

Yup! My DS tried to do this over Gold Duke of Edinburgh Award - complained about the group, the timetable etc etc so I told him it was his decision and he didn’t have to do it if he didn’t want to.
When all his friends went off to Buckingham Palace to get their award he suggested I should have tried harder to convince him to keep doing it as I’d ‘known’ that he was just having a wobble!!
He got short shrift from me!

Jng1 · 22/09/2023 09:32

Peregrina · 22/09/2023 09:21

Why is this all a bit sad? It's not as though she has dropped out of the best university in the world for Geography to go to somewhere which only required a couple of Ds at A level.

It’s sad because it sounds like a rushed, badly thought-out decision, heavily influenced by peer pressure!

But it’s done, so there’s not really any point chewing over it - time for the DD to buckle down and prove it was a good decision.

GodessOfThunder · 22/09/2023 09:35

Jng1 · 22/09/2023 09:32

It’s sad because it sounds like a rushed, badly thought-out decision, heavily influenced by peer pressure!

But it’s done, so there’s not really any point chewing over it - time for the DD to buckle down and prove it was a good decision.

Show quote history

Why is it “badly thought out”?

I know Exeter is fetishised by the more well to do on MN, but it’s not all that.

Jng1 · 22/09/2023 10:24

GodessOfThunder · 22/09/2023 09:35

Why is it “badly thought out”?

I know Exeter is fetishised by the more well to do on MN, but it’s not all that.

Show quote history

‘Badly thought out’ because:

  • the DD spent a lot of time & effort researching the course/visiting etc
  • worked hard to achieve her goal
  • had knee-jerk reaction to the stress of the first few days of Freshers which everyone knows is hell on earth and unrepresentative of the rest of your time at uni
  • she’s let herself be influenced by friends who didn’t get the grades to join them at her second choice Uni
  • thrown in the towel after THREE days!!
it’s not about Exeter, per se, I’d say exactly the same thing about dumping any decent first choice uni on the basis of meeting a few people you didn’t gel with, and running away to be with your school friends. She didn’t even start the course!

But as the OP says her DD is somewhat fragile, so it may be for the best.

boys3 · 22/09/2023 11:19

something like 50th

seriously @SandyThumb all the league tables are openly published.

I think perhaps you may have mis-typed and meant something like 25th. CUG and Sunday Times subject tables. Absolutely Exeter ranks higher 8th and 10th although the various metric scores vary again and any could be used to promote differing narratives.

unless of course you meant the Graun, although as that has Exeter at 31st for Geog presumably not. In that case you’d presumably be advocating Chester, Huddersfield, Gloucestershire, to name but three of the thirty higher ranked unis, as far better alternatives to Exeter.

The DC has made a decision. Although I may have mixed views on it the overriding one is that I hope it works out well for her.

Highdaysandholidays1 · 22/09/2023 11:24

One reason to not care too much about league tables is because by the time you have applied and gone to uni and finished, it's four years later and all the ranking have completely changed anyway (apart from perhaps the top two or three for your subject)!

I deal with a lot of students seeking jobs (responsible for this in my dep't) and I can assure you the most important determinant these days is what else they do- do they do internships, work on the social media campaign for a cause, do relevant and interesting volunteering in relation to their proposed job. Showing initiative, employability skills, all this is what most employers are looking for (unless it's for a very specific career path with a prerequisite in a particular subject, and even then they prefer the people with relevant work experience/volunteering/workshops/get up and go ones).

I think your dd will have a fab time, and perhaps more importantly will take ownership of this choice and make it work (just to prove to you it was the right one!) I would go full on for encouragement now and not look back.

OVienna · 22/09/2023 13:01

BreatheAndFocus · 22/09/2023 07:33

Exactly what I thought. It really seems like this is a mix of peer pressure and immaturity. She’d have been better deferring entry for a year so she could mature and gain some independence.

Show quote history

I agree about the immaturity and I am sure what is going through the OP's mind is what @Jng1 said in her post.

To be that committed to an option and yet to pull out so quickly would give me pause about moving on to another option without a period of reflection to understand more about what was going on for the DD.

All of this must be hard for the OP to read but it's not too late to slow the whole process down and start again, if need be.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 22/09/2023 13:27

I have to say there's no way I'd have signed a new lease for ds after not even starting his course yet. He'd have been back home and working for a year and starting over not making a rush decision based on what seems like peer pressure. I hope it works out ok OP.

Exeter has been fantastic for us, ds did brilliantly there - normal state school. He met lots of extremely wealthy people who he's very good friends with but I think if anything it's shown him people are all the same and you shouldn't judge anyone for having loads of money just as you shouldn't be judged for being 'financially challenged' 😉

It'll probably be a blessing OP as Exeter rents are a fortune ,it's so nice not to be paying that any more!

fluffiphlox · 22/09/2023 13:47

Many, many years ago I left a university after a full year. I worked for a year and saved before I went to my next university. This young woman is lucky to have an indulgent (and financially robust) mum.

Nextlifestage · 22/09/2023 16:12

UEA is massively on the up though, for those saying it's a "lesser" uni. I can imagine it being similar to Lancaster was a few years ago - people didn't think of it as a great uni but now it's very sought after and has developed it's own prestige. UEA is definitely on a similar trajectory.

Mirabai · 22/09/2023 16:22

UEA is nothing like Lancaster - not that there’s anything wrong with the latter It’s a highly respected, well established uni, with the best, most prestigious creative writing MA course in the country.

TrailJacket · 22/09/2023 16:36

OP if/when you daughter has teens in the future, she will realise what you did for her. Despite being unsure about her decision, you supported her and helped her find housing. Only then may she truly realise what a great mum she has!

i hope it all works out for her. If nothing else, she is a quick decision-maker. I have a dithering teen so I quite envy you!