I'm feeling like uni just isn't an option for our children. It's made me very sad.

[F0XCUBs]

In tears this morning. We have two bright children. One would go to uni next year. But we can't afford it. We are middle income rather than very low or high. They would get a loan but it wouldn't cover all the rent at most unis.
DH says they have to go to local uni or do an apprenticeship and that is that. DD would really like to go to a new place from where we live.
Yes I know we should have prepared for this for years, I'm sorry I really didn't know we were expected to contribute £300-500 per month! We didn't go to uni. Between us we earn about £50.000. But don't have spare money left over.
I know they could get jobs but dd1 has applied for twelve jobs in our town and not got one. She is autistic and lacks social skills so I don't think we can rely on her getting one. Especially if there are thousands of other kids applying for the same part time jobs.
How do people afford it?! It seems so unfair that we can't give them the opportunity
When DS wants to go we definitely can't afford two lots of that money

Sorry OP you are playing the victim card too much on here and literally doing nothing proactive to help your DD.

You have been given sound advice on here and signposted to good websites and experts who could help.

NOW GO AND DO SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE and stop catastrophising

Sorry that’s all fair, I wasn’t trying to be an arse but I did re-read my post and appreciate it comes across like that.

the only reason I explained all that is just because as you havnt done all the research (and you are correct not everybody is aware), then there are other options out there (like PP have outlined).

but the crux is rather than your DD being upset, is to sit down and have a look at costs (there are some cheaper halls out there or a flat/house share), have a realistic look at options closer to home. And/or really let DD have a think about taking a year out. My DD wouldn’t do it but I really wanted her too as not only can she work and earn her own money, taking a year out gives you a chance to really decide if Uni is the right path, whilst learning valuable ‘real world skills’.

It's tricky isn't it? I was looking at student rents in London (we live in London, DD wants to go to a London uni, but I was hoping to move away...) and the cost is atrocious. In addition to fees and equipment and travel costs and, of course, socialising it's going to be tough for her, even with a part-time job, to make ends meet. It looks like she might remain living with me (or her dad) until she completes her studies.

This doesn't help OP but difficult decisions will have to be made.

"I know people will say I'm wrong but I do think some kids are at a massive advantage when applying because their parents know the system and can research effectively without getting overwhelmed. Or they just aren't a loser who has messed up their life lol"

You are 100% correct in what you say OP. This is the reason pretty much ALL unis have widening participation/ widening access schemes, many of which offer some (limited) bursaries. An example:
https://www.manchester.ac.uk/discover/social-responsibility/social-inclusion/widening-participation/

Please, please look into these - it's not too late, despite what some posters are saying above.

You are absolutely right.

I am going to be productive now. We'll probably tomorrow morning. Thank you so much for all this helpful information. Absolutely brilliant help.

I misread the thread title. I did not realise this is a pity party.

Shame for all the posters who spent time trying to help you and your dd.

All the best.

Yes, widening participation schemes are much better now than when I went to university 30 years ago (first generation to go to university, from a one parent family on benefits, there was nothing like contextual offers etc available to me).

It is hard if you don't understand how university works yourself, there's a world of difference between the support I can give my DC and the support I got (purely because my mum had no idea what was expected).

You are being very hard on yourself Op. Your dc’s school or college will have spent time explaining things. My dc has had an hour a week uni research/life choices type lesson since yr 12. It’s your dc who wants to go so onus is on her to look into it.
Lots of unis do programmes or contextual offers for ‘first’ generation uni.
Theres nothing wrong with saying 2024 isn’t happening let’s get a plan for 2025.

I told her she couldn't do anything like Philosophy or English because …

Now that you’re moving forward, @F0XCUBs, I really, really hope this was a joke? This is not the 19th century. Every child is allowed a free choice of subject - parents who attempt to suppress this freedom are generally reviled as controlling, and can expect to see very little of their adult child once they start university. Which isn’t to say parents shouldn’t offer advice! But informed advice is best, and the final choice has to be the student’s, dependent only on their grades and offers.

Some unis do have cheaper rent - DD went to Cardiff where it was £350 a month still a lot of money but not nearly as much as some places - these days I would also seriously consider apprenticeships

There are loans and support in place. You can speak to the uni about extra help. Lots of children with very little family help go to uni, so there is always a way.

I wouldn't be thrilled if either of my children told me they wanted to study those subjects either as they generally aren't the way to a decent graduate salary for most people. Times have unfortunately moved on and there is no place now for the average student to go to university to study for the pleasure of studying's sake. It would be nice if we could all do that, I agree. But it's clear the graduate market is saturated and it's obvious that young people need to be really thinking hard about graduate prospects of the course they want to do. So many are naiive about this because universities have done great things with marketing as they need bums on seats.

I always think back to the BT advert with Maureen Lipman "but you've got an Ology!"

It would be best to sit your young person down and explain about the importance of looking at things like graduate outcomes. Yes, going to university can be a chance to grow up, mature and discover new opportunities. But let's face it, at the end of it, the important thing is that they need to be able to get a job that pays more than the type of job they could have got straight from A-levels. Because generally, if they find themselves not able to progress in a decent-paying career with the degree they got, they are often stuffed in terms of getting another student loan further along for a career in a completely different area which demands a degree.

I think people are being too harsh to the OP.

Those of us who went to university know how the system works. For those who didn’t it can be very daunting. And those parents often rely on their kids researching for themselves or being supported by school. If your child has special needs and/or the school isn’t helpful then I can see how overwhelming it must seem.

If higher education has never been part of your ‘world’ then it can seem so unfamiliar and impossible.

Like people on this thread not realising how Oxbridge is a relative bargain compared to some places like Bristol and Edinburgh for example.

OP, posting here has been the first step in your daughter’s journey to university. Well done.

Lists are useful. I don’t know if you use spreadsheets much, but just jotting down the key features of several places eg rent, travel costs, entry requirements will be useful.

Unfortunately all aspects of life are competitive. As your daughter has seen from her job search. So she needs to understand that a little to play the game properly.

You can do this. There has been some great advice here. But it needs to be a joint effort with your daughter and hopefully husband. And badger the school for advice!

Good luck.

DD might be able to get a job on campus if off campus isn't working out. I'm sure they'd be a lot more accepting of someone ND working as a student ambassador (I've definitely noticed a couple with low eye contact on our visits) or in the student bar for example.

And the problem for some young people is that often their advisors in 6th form or college have minimal time to go through other options for their bright students and uni applications are often the easiest way for them to get a bright student ticked off the "post-18 destination" list. Plus the school or college can boast about their outcomes of course.

It's not super easy to get a job at McDonald's - people always say it as if you just have to walk in there.

But op there must be other possibilities - waiting staff are usually needed or bar work (is she 18 yet?).

Dh and I thought the same OP, I thought that is what student loans were for, we had NO idea parents were expected to contribute so much.

@F0XCUBs are you sure you have done your sums correctly? Sorry I don't mean that to appear rude but my DH and I earn about 45k and both my dc went to uni and we certainly didn't need to top up the loan by £300 a month . Have you taken into consideration that with a dependant the loan is more . So when your dd applies for the loan you put on the application that you have another child which means you get more money .

My son has autism and he only lasted a year at university got into lots of issues because of his lack of social skills so if as you say she has poor eye contact.university Is not the best option for her at all - maybe she could something online from home like open university. I think you need to lower your expectations of her getting a paid job too as it might be to stressful for her. She could try volunteering like in a charity shop the staff there are used to helping people who lack social skills

Why would you have to pay so much? If it's for accommodation then going locally is the best option.

When I went to uni, my parent sat me down and said that between them they could support me £150 per month towards living away. I also worked part time and got a loan. I knew this money was a real stretch for them so I made the decision to stay home. I travelled by train to my local city and loved my uni experience. I made great friends and stayed over a lot.

It's not ideal but it's a definite good option that means your children get degrees.

I also work at a college that does specialist degrees and we provide so many experiences student wouldn't get at larger uni's!

The gov calculator is saying Op should contribute £300 a month. (Household Income £50,000 living away from home not London)

Obviously some parents can’t or won’t but that’s expected contribution.

I can see why Op was shocked as many assume same loans are available to all.

My Ds has Autism. And Dyslexia. So, very bright, but ... I have no money (I'm on income support). Our closest city is Edinburgh. There are 3 Uni's there but it's hugely expensive to rent. Part time work & study during term time will be too much So it's commute or pick somewhere much cheaper ...

Oxbridge costs no more than any other uni

I don't think the money is the main issue here - op says daughter has autism and is struggling with social skills and communication. Honestly it doesn't matter how many degrees you get you won't get a job or keep a job with poor social skills.it will not be good for her mental health to over estimate what she is capable of, I would look at Btech foundation courses or business IT programming apprenticeships locally at FE college or local businesses. Then she can stay at home, it will be a huge expenditure of money for you to send her away to university and she could end up very lonely in a flat share which will not be good for her mental health - parents of teens with autism have to manage their expectations regarding what their child is capable of socially not academically.

Oxford and Cambridge are often cheapest live away option due to reasonable prices of accommodation and ability to live in all 3 years and super short terms.