How many university open day visits did you do with your DC?

[Icedlatteplease]

DD is quite keen on one university in a small city she has visited and loved. Its decent (if not exceptional) for her course and convenient but not too close travel from home (both driving and train). In many ways it works very very well from my perspective. It's a totally sensible, safe-ish academically choice.

She's agreed to visit a couple of others but a little under sufferance. Everything is compared to her preferred choice and her A level campus (which again was a slightly quirky unexpected choice necessitated by circumstances but that is working very well for DD). A lot are dismissed by DD at the online investigation stage.

But I am worried about how much I should be allowing her to self restrict, or for that matter restricting her myself.

The family situation mentioned below means I have carer responsibilities that severly limit my ability to travel, money is limited and i have injuries all of which make travelling to university open days challenging, especially if you can't get there and back easily in a day. I don't really have the emotional, physical or mental reserves to go charging across the country looking at all the unis for her course. The situation will most likely complicate her travelling to and from whatever uni she goes to amd how much i can help.

Compounding the decision is that we really have no idea what her grades might look like.

We as a family had the time from hell through her GCSEs, most people were incredulous DD was still sitting them at all. She had very little actual study in the 3 months prior to the exam but she wanted to stay in correct year with her peers. The fact that she took them was a miracle, the fact she passed any deeply admirable

(The family situation is ongoing and may unexpectedly hit crisis at pretty much any point but hopefully the impact on DD education wise is somewhat mitigated now. But it's still very stressful )

DD underachieved on one important subject she is hoping to rectify this year and averagely on everything else. Would lead to the expectation of CCC. However Initial A level assessments peg her as having the capacity to hit at least 2 B and at least one of those potentially an A (on a good day if nothing else goes wrong between now and then). Not that that surprises me hugely, she's bright. But that makes a reasonable estimate of her grade anything between a CCC and an ABB. She hasn't lot the same level of hobbies enhancements as many with that grade due to covid, the family situation and her own physical challenges

I don’t know whether to encourage her to look at a more challenging uni (which are all bar one much further away for her course) or whether that is just entirely unrealistic and will just hit her confidence if she is turned down or misses the grades. I'd hate to feel I limited DD's opportunities (any more than they alreafy are) before she'd already begun.

But I do know that given DD a stubborn whotsit🫣😁, there's a definite value to letting her go her own way about things. Especially when her way definitely has its own merits.

So how many visits did you do with your DC? Any words of advice?

We did/have done 5-8 with each. We have done some in year 12 and some in year 13 in general. With DS2 , year 12, we have done Newcastle (DD there, so as part of visiting DD) , Leeds and Edinburgh so far and have another 3-4 to go, (eg Lancaster as a Campus uni). An important thing to establish first I think is size of location, city uni or outside city campus etc. With DD she didn't like UEA at all and that made her decide she wanted to be in a City. She found Manchester centre too large and York and Lincoln too small, liked Liverpool and Newcastle the most. She settled on Newcastle, which she loves! Also look at course content and if it's possible to do a work experience year/year abroad if your young person wants to do one. You need to book early for reasonably priced travel and accommodation and careful planning eg we did a couple of Friday/Saturday combinations of Unis near each other with both DS1 and DD,

I don't recall seeing any young people on their own without parents in tow BTW.

It isn’t unusual, there are always some, although definitely not the norm these days.

At York people seemed to bring entire families along with them.

Again, not the norm it it does occasionally happen. I have had a whole extended family turn up, including one set of grandparents. I think there were twelve people in total.

I think you might be exaggerating this memory a little in your head. That’s over 5 hours each way, it’s not really possible to do it and attend an open day in the middle in one day!

Arguing over whether parents should attend open days is a bit like sticking your finger in a hole in a dam and saying your solution is the best when the water is already coming over the top.

DD has had an awful lot of having to do things differently/independently. It's nice to do what I can. However it is good to think solo trips are possible if needed.

She's not keen on going with friends as she really wants to focus on what she can get out of the day without distractions or taking into account anyone else's needs.

You are right @Icedlatteplease. It ounds like your DD is pretty independent and has her head screwed on. I hope she is successful wherever she ends up.

Where did the "s" go?
It sounds

None. Dd picked on basis of course content only

Wowsers!! You've added some very sensible questions to my list.

I've got to say my overriding question is is this somewhere you feel you can be comfortable being in.

Dd's is busy looking at the course content and employability. (Yy to whoever asked, she definitely wants to do a year in industry)

@ClangingBell perfectly possible. DD and I met a girl at an open day recently who had come up from Cornwall for the day. Her train ticket was over £100 she couldn't afford a hotel too.

I too have encouraged my dd to go to a couple of open days independently. I think far too many kids theses days (I'm looking at my dc's friends here in particular) are totally lacking in independence. if they can't even go to an open day alone it's not really setting them up to live independently in the near future.

Thank you. She has her moments but I think overall she's on the right track.

Good to hear, @Icedlatteplease. Of the Open Days I did attend, there were definitely a reasonable number of unaccompanied DC. If your DD feels comfortable about that, and has a bit of plan in mind, then it can work well.

Do not rule out the option of trips to certain 'farther flung' locations outside Open Days, at least for the summer term/summer of Y12. The days are longer, weather nicer - all of which would allow for a more civilised very early start from your location for a long-distance rail day trip, even if it means your DD does not get there until lunchtime. There is a lot you can gain from visiting a location even if an Open Day is not running.

Equally attending an Open Day mostly in the early afternoon can be OK if you focus your time; the teaching staff are often still around to explain things that might otherwise have been presented in any formal morning talks. One of my DC was looking at options a long way away and adopted that approach. Armed with a 16-17 railcard, they managed to do it on a budget and felt it was time well spent.

As you say, there is no right or wrong approach to Open Days; it is simply that the option of solo attendance is most certainly a viable one in the right circumstances.

We stayed overnight at a few open days because of the logistics. It made no sense to drive to Nottingham, back to Yorkshire then back down the M1 to Leicester the next day, so we drove to Leicester after Nottingham and was at the open day there for an early start.

I think travelling on public transport where you can is a good idea to give the student an idea on how easy it is to get home. Our trip to Bristol was blighted by engineering works resulting in being diverted to Wales. Our return trip only went as far as Birmingham, and we were told that Cross Country do this all the time.

DD didn't like Bristol anyway and said that she couldn't be bothered with having train cancellations every time she came home. She has an easy train journey now between Newcastle and Wakefield instead.

Thanks to covid ds went to no in person open days, he attended virtual ones for just two of his choices. He then went to an offer holder day at his first choice to see what it was like.....after he had accepted 🤦‍♀️

He is half way through first year and enjoying it, so thankfully it seems to have all worked out!

I haven't been to any open days with my Y13 DC but they have been to four without me. For one of them, they caught a train to stay with family friends for the night before and one of the adults went with them to parts of the open day. That worked well in terms of giving DC the confidence to navigate what happens at an open day so they were quite happy to do the remaining ones alone. I have said to DC that I'd be interested in going to the offer holder days for their favourite two but that I'd be quite happy wandering around and attending the specific parent talks etc. rather than doing anything to cramp their style.

It may be helpful to know that some universities offer travel bursaries to cover the cost of travel to open days. Some have eligibility criteria but
Essex, Hull and Salford don't and in the case of Salford, a blanket amount is given to those who live outside of Greater Manchester so it may be possible that if you were to book a train/coach far enough in advance, both your DD's train fare and some of yours may be covered.

Interestingly, I was only one of two parents who didn't attend the offer holder's day with DD. There was a separate talk for parents but having already sat through the subject talk and a talk about student finance I felt I wasn't needed, so I dropped DD off at the door and met her when she had finished.

There are no more cancellations on Great Western than any other railway. Northern services are usually considered the worst and slowest. If Dc don’t come home much, it doesn’t matter if there are a few cancellations. Offer day parent talks are just the same as open day parent talks from what I listened to

DD has travelled from Bodmin Parkway back to London. It’s unbelievably slow. 4 hours plus. Then going out to another city makes an open day impossible for most unless it’s en route of a quick change. Really difficult for a 10 am start.

I feel validated now. Thank you @TizerorFizz.
DD did several open days in the autumn of 2018 when we had no Saturday trains at all from where we live from August bank holiday until Christmas (Northern Rail train strikes). It was a real PITA as I then had to take her and pick her up from work, and the closer we got to Christmas the later the pick ups got.

I did around 8 with DD but this was mainly because she really didn't know what she wanted to do at the time. She went to a few on her own too as quite a few other A level students were doing. DD then went on her own by train to some of the interviews that were required for the course she took.

She always said she was really glad I came with her on the open days as I picked up and remembered stuff she didn't and asked a few questions she hadn't thought of. ( She has ADHD and was quite impulsive in her decisions so I was able to be a bit more rational and give her all the pros and cons of each place.)

@TizerorFizz

I have never understood why 17 year olds have visited a perfectly great university and city and then say they hate it. “Hate” is so childish. It’s just not for them.

I think you're reading to much into the word hate.

It can simply be... they just don't like it.

They cannot possibly know everything about a university or city within a few hours there

But they can have seen enough, to decide they don't like it and don't want to go to that university.

People have different considerations when it come to universities. For my children, being ethnic minorities, the ethnic diversity of the city and university population was important. It was very easy to see that in a matter of hours.

It would be pretty easy to look that up on the internet. Unfortunately it would also mean discounting some of the best universities in the country who are doing their best to welcome everyone. I always find it a great shame when people feel they don’t fit in, for any reason. Going to university is to meet people like you who like your subject. It’s not necessarily to reaffirm who you are and stay in your bubble.

I also think when an adult uses the word “hate”, because their DC said it, the adult should tone down the sentiment if it wasn’t meant. If it really is “my DD could not see herself there” then say that. I find it quite difficult to understand such language about any uni and city that’s very popular with thousands of students. My DD did a quick whizz around a northern university as we have relatives nearby. She could not see herself there but out of politeness to our relatives, she would never have said she hated it. It’s their home city. She just said the course wasn’t quite what she wanted which was true.

My DC place a lot of importance of the “vibe”.

They did when choosing secondary schools, too.

I think what they’re looking at is the people - the students, the other people looking round, the diversity - both from an ethnicity perspective but also a class one [opens can of worms].

I’ve asked them about this before and tried to drill down what they’re looking for, but they articulate it differently each time. It’s connected to how comfortable they feel and whether they fit in and can see themselves there.

You can’t get that from a website, got to visit.

My DS picked a university and refused to look at others. He was very happy with his choice and really enjoyed the experience.

My DD would have looked at more but they were not happening during covid (she is in her second year). We visited the city that was her first choice on paper and walked around the outside of the university. She is equally happy with her selection.

So my DC only visited one uni each. Both very happy and settled.

You can’t get that from a website, got to visit.

I agree. DD thought she would love Bristol but she didn't like it at all. She has joint problems and didn't realise that Bristol was so hilly. She also found the place too big and overwhelming. The same with Manchester.

She also didn't realise how isolated a campus university would feel until we visited a couple.

We visited a potential uni for DS last year and dragged DD along. I secretly thought it’d be perfect for her but she loathed it! She used “hate”, “loathe” etc in her language along with “good God no way would I go there in a million years” and “ugh awful” and many other unrepeatables. Still uses the same language now.

It’s often good to visit as much to work out what they don’t want as what they do. DD whilst saying she wants campus, doesn’t want a uni in the sticks. She also wants a culturally diverse mix of students.

@Lizziet64 We must be a similar age. Back in 1979 I don't even remember there being open days - just interviews. I went to 2 interviews but not the others as it was too far. Absolutely unheard of to have parents go too. I'm also really interested to know just when this changed. Looks like the trend stated early 80s and accelerated fast. I imagine the fees changing in the 90s and move to parents as paying customers really sealed it.

Last term - we took dd to 5. I quite enjoyed it. At one, space was tight and kids were asked to choose one parent to view the space with them.

The whole intensive parenting thing is just astonishing for those of us old enough to remember the 70s. How on earth did we survive? I suppose only 10% went to uni in those days. Expectations of living accommodation among both students and young adults are also way higher than we had.