How many university open day visits did you do with your DC?

[Icedlatteplease]

DD is quite keen on one university in a small city she has visited and loved. Its decent (if not exceptional) for her course and convenient but not too close travel from home (both driving and train). In many ways it works very very well from my perspective. It's a totally sensible, safe-ish academically choice.

She's agreed to visit a couple of others but a little under sufferance. Everything is compared to her preferred choice and her A level campus (which again was a slightly quirky unexpected choice necessitated by circumstances but that is working very well for DD). A lot are dismissed by DD at the online investigation stage.

But I am worried about how much I should be allowing her to self restrict, or for that matter restricting her myself.

The family situation mentioned below means I have carer responsibilities that severly limit my ability to travel, money is limited and i have injuries all of which make travelling to university open days challenging, especially if you can't get there and back easily in a day. I don't really have the emotional, physical or mental reserves to go charging across the country looking at all the unis for her course. The situation will most likely complicate her travelling to and from whatever uni she goes to amd how much i can help.

Compounding the decision is that we really have no idea what her grades might look like.

We as a family had the time from hell through her GCSEs, most people were incredulous DD was still sitting them at all. She had very little actual study in the 3 months prior to the exam but she wanted to stay in correct year with her peers. The fact that she took them was a miracle, the fact she passed any deeply admirable

(The family situation is ongoing and may unexpectedly hit crisis at pretty much any point but hopefully the impact on DD education wise is somewhat mitigated now. But it's still very stressful )

DD underachieved on one important subject she is hoping to rectify this year and averagely on everything else. Would lead to the expectation of CCC. However Initial A level assessments peg her as having the capacity to hit at least 2 B and at least one of those potentially an A (on a good day if nothing else goes wrong between now and then). Not that that surprises me hugely, she's bright. But that makes a reasonable estimate of her grade anything between a CCC and an ABB. She hasn't lot the same level of hobbies enhancements as many with that grade due to covid, the family situation and her own physical challenges

I don’t know whether to encourage her to look at a more challenging uni (which are all bar one much further away for her course) or whether that is just entirely unrealistic and will just hit her confidence if she is turned down or misses the grades. I'd hate to feel I limited DD's opportunities (any more than they alreafy are) before she'd already begun.

But I do know that given DD a stubborn whotsit🫣😁, there's a definite value to letting her go her own way about things. Especially when her way definitely has its own merits.

So how many visits did you do with your DC? Any words of advice?

I think parents became more involved when they were expected to shell out a fortune to help their DCs through uni.

It's important to actually visit the uni/campus, rather than just looking online. DD ended up at a uni that she had previously dismissed. She reluctantly went to visit it and fell in love with the uni, campus and city. So much so that she's still living there post graduation.

A lot happens between the time when you start visiting universities and the time they actually go. I would actually advise you start visiting in the autumn of Year 12 as they all tend to be on the same days and it can be a rush, especially if early entry might be a possibility.

My ds didn't even realise that university was a possibility for him until I took him to an open day. It opened his eyes. He matured a lot between that first visit and eventually going off. I accompanied him to the open day but h went alone to his audition/interview

I went to all of them alone.

That used to be the norm. However, it certainly isn’t now. As a result, open days have evolved to actively engage parents too.

To be honest Open Days wern't really the thing in my day. You had in person interviews and Offer Holder Days so visits were after you had applied.

Mine were not 18 when we went to open days. One was 16 and the other was 17. Summer born and our open days were in summer term. They were not 18 until they started university. However we don’t live in a city and it was a big effort to use public transport everywhere. We did when sensible. We dovetailed visits and stayed overnight to do this. That’s why we cut down visits to small numbers! However DDS pretty much knew what they wanted so a couple of visits were for comparison.

I think universities have had to accept parents but why do parents need to be included in subject talks. Also if DC need to ask something, write it down so they do ask. I think most prospective students I know would ask if they needed to. If they could. We saw lecturers swamped by over invested parents and students just walking away. Many parents don’t seem alive to the other students that might want to ask something. Oxford suffered from this. Some unbearable parents on display.

Well they are going to be alone and fending for themselves at University from 18. If they can't attend a university open day alone what the hell is going to happen when they actually go?

@BoganKiwi DD was 16 and very unconfident when we started looking at universities as she has a summer birthday.
We are also rural with poor public transport so we drove to most open days as a lot of them meant three trains and a bus making it not doable in a day.

You must live in an area with good public transport. We don't.

I think parents became more involved when they were expected to shell out a fortune to help their DCs through uni.

Hasn’t that always been the case? It was in my time, and my father’s.

There’s a lot of “back in my day”.

it’s changed SO much. Not least the debt students take on - £27k for tuition fees alone plus c £10k a year living expenses. So average cost to student is nearly £60k.

it wasn’t anything like this when parents on here were at uni.

There are also many many more courses available than there were 20-30 years ago. Unis are big businesses and 18 yr olds in the main are best navigating choices that cost £60k with at least a little adult input.

IMO.

No

It has changed a lot. And also more and more are going to university and whereas when I applied I was very restricted with regard to the areas I felt able to go to (everywhere I applied was within 90 mins of home) young people are quite rightly encouraged to find the place and the course that is right for them.

@RampantIvy my parents didn't have a car. I had to get a bus and the Metro to Newcastle then travel on an intercity train. The furthest I went was Oxford involving a change and tube across London. All done in a day. Also at age 17.

I was pretty shy at that age but wanted it enough to do it. Oxford wasn't for the faint hearted anyway and it certainly made me 'woman up' to get there.

Well they are going to be alone and fending for themselves at University from 18. If they can't attend a university open day alone what the hell is going to happen when they actually go?

Who knows, but they seem to manage perfectly well.

No

OK, when did it change? Late 70s/early 80 s my parents were contributing the equivalent of £9k a year to my living expenses.

I went because my daughter asked me too.

It was on a Saturday. All the students had parents with them. Though, as I said before the students went off with staff several times during the day.

You relationship with your parents is not everyone else’s. You may have got a better feel for it alone. My dd wanted my input. She knows I will give her advice then support the choice she makes. My dd felt entirely able to get a sense of wether she would be happy there, with me there.

She also understands as an adult, I have more life experience than her. As an example, There was a few choices of halls. She wanted me to see them incase I thought of a pro or con she didn’t. The final decision of accommodation was down to her though, I supported her choice. She often asks advice before making a decision for herself. Sometimes it’s me, or her grandad. Sometimes friends.

People have different relationships with their parents, than you had with yours. Dd is now at Uni and thriving. She loves it. We had no problems with a lack of independence. No regret from her. No struggle with living away from home.

Agree. I had my tuition fees paid and a full grant given my parents were both unemployed at the time. The grant didn't go anywhere near my living costs so I had to work full time between 18 and 19 to be able to save enough for first year and then had two part time jobs while I was at uni.

Given the extortionate costs, Uni now seems to be the place where only the middle classes with over invested parents go. Diversity of thought and resilience is seriously lacking

As a result at my work place we are now trying to cut our grad intake in half and bringing in capable A level students who don't have the opportunity to go to university and developing them on the job and paying for their quals further down the line. They have proven themselves to be more capable, more resilient, less entitled, more loyal and far more able to apply humanistic and critical thinking capabilities than the grads are who seem to have a meltdown as soon as something challenging is thrown their way or, alternatively, they don't the work is 'interesting enough'.

Blimey. Judgemental much? Although you do see this hysterical snobbery about current university students on Mumsnet now and again. Luckily it doesn't seem to actually exist in reality.

We visited all uni dc were interested in 4 with me 2 with friends. Have a look at national express coaches. They go to most uni towns and are pretty cheap or try a two travelling together train card and use with advance tickets. This can really bring the cost of travelling down. Most unis on open days have shuttles going from stations to the uni as well. Bring munch with you. Actual visits really helped dc to decide which uni they were interested in. Make sure your dd looks at where 2nd year+ accommodation is located and if possible have a wander around local area.

We started uni visits during year 12, most prospective students had parents in tow or were in groups with friends.

4 with my daughter because she asked me to.
My son didn’t want us to go with him, so we didn’t

DD did not go to any due to covid (well she did some online ones but did not find they added much to what she read online or knew from her school).

She did attend offer holder days and that was worthwhile. DH and I went with her to one, but only because it was a city we had not been to and were interested to visit. We did not attend any talks, just had a nice wander round the city and lunch. She met up with a friend and went round with her. The rest she just went to with friends.

I dont think for her it was a big problem not to have attended open days in advance of applying, although she would have liked to. She was focussed on the higher ranking russell group (and similar) universities. She narrowed down to about 8 based on which sounded best for her subject and it was then about the social side and vibe. She got lots of feedback from people in the year or two above, so had a good idea about where might suit. She chose her top 4 pretty easily, and it was then between 2 for final choice so open days might have helped with that . She got 4 offers and went to 3 open days - she ruled one out because it was the one she was least excited about getting an offer from, and the grade requirement was the same as one of her preferred ones so would not have made sense as reserve. She liked the other 3 at offer holders day. One was the obvious reserve as it had lowest offer. It was harder to chose between the other two as she really liked them both. I suspect in the end it turned on the weather on the day!

She is very happy at her choice. She has friends at the other option and has visited for a weekend. She also thinks she would have liked it there.

I think it is harder when there is such uncertainty in what grades they might end up with, so you need to look at a wider range of universities and hedge your bets more. I would say it is worth in her case visiting at least 3. Definitely worth visiting her preferred one just in case she does not like the vibe in reality, and a couple more to open her eyes to other options.

DD does know 3 people who have dropped out and are reapplying, so it is not necessarily the case that there are no bad choices. Generally, it has been a case of not liking their subject, but none have applied to the same university again for their new subject so there was definitely an element of not really liking the place. sometimes that can be as simple as not gelling with flatmates and then not really trying to make a go of it, e.g. by switching accomodation, because they don't like their subject anyway.

I had to get a bus and the Metro to Newcastle then travel on an intercity train. The furthest I went was Oxford involving a change and tube across London. All done in a day. Also at age 17.

Bully for you. @BoganKiwi You must have had more confidence at 17 than my daughter did. Not all teenagers are the same. Some are more confident and independent than others. Some are more emotionally mature than others. Some (most?) actually want their parents to come to open days with them. A lot of parents want to go to open days with their DC. What is wrong with that?

I don't recall seeing any young people on their own without parents in tow BTW. At York people seemed to bring entire families along with them.

Sneering at unconfident teenagers is not a nice character trait, so get that chip off your shoulder.

I get very irritated with the “Well, I did it so why can’t everyone else?” and “in my day” rhetoric spouted on here. Everyone is different and everyone has different personal circumstances and transport/lack of transport options.

Also, with widening participation there are a lot more young people applying for university who would never have gone "back in the day". There is more support for neurodiverse students, students with mental health problems and students with disabilities now, and I doubt that these young people would be doing open days on their own.

When DD went to university after a gap year (working and volunteering) she was more than capable of looking after herself and living away from home, and is now a very independent young lady.

I didn't accompany my DC to any open days- they went by themselves. Given your circumstances, do you really need to go with them?

If she happy with her choice
Just advise she should include a second best as insurance
No reason to visit 10 if she already chosen, she should maybe visit two others to include as options on ucas
Visited loads with oldest as she wasnt sure and much fewer 3 with younger dd

Does not make it a bad choice it was the right choice at the time with info available
But sometimes they need to experience it
ChaNging course or uni is not unusual and does not mean your choice was bad