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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

Original poster

Empty nest syndrome - it's real.

235 replies

monkeyonthetable · 28/08/2020 10:44

Is anyone else feeling an intense, overwhelming empty-nest dread?

I know it's stupid but am shocked by how powerful it is. I feel sick and anxious, like there's a fist clenching my chest. Both my DC are leaving home at the same time. Of course I want them to start their adult lives but some part of me just wants to hug them and never stop.

I'm fretting that ASD DS2 will be overwhelmed and lonely and that real uni life won't live up to his very precise, planned, high expectations. I'm worried that DS1 will burn the candle at both ends and collapse (he's done this before - actually fainted from hard work and lack of sleep when leading an expedition in L6.)

And concerned that DH and I will slide into evening TV and silence. We had plans to do some long haul travel as soon as they left, to push ourselves out of the empty nest too but that's been shelved due to Covid.

Has anyone had it and got over it? Is anyone else surprised by how powerful and unexpected it is? Would love to chat to people who feel the same or had it and are through it.

OP posts:
NecklessMumster · 27/09/2020 18:17

Dropped mine off yesterday and feeling much worse than I expected, weirdly panicky and it feels like grief, just got to get through it

Original poster
monkeyonthetable · 27/09/2020 21:50

DS2 came back for a night last night (he's at a nearby uni.) I was SO happy to see him. Cooked all his favourite food and then he sat playing guitar all night. Today it is DH who is feeling all sad and missing him. I feel a lot better now as I know DS2 is happy. He's enjoying being there for now. Classes start tomorrow and he's a bit daunted about the level and amount of work. But he headed off happily.

Now I'm gearing up for DS1 to leave next week. It will feel very odd once he is gone.

OP posts:
Original poster
monkeyonthetable · 27/09/2020 22:14

@NecklessMumster - sorry you are feeling so discombobulated by it. It's a very weird thing. It's not just the loss of their presence in your every day life, it's the concern that they will thrive, the fear that they might not and also the weird feeling of 'who am I?' after all those years of being a mum.

OP posts:
NecklessMumster · 28/09/2020 10:55

Yes there's definitely an identity thing going on, also questioning what I do next, do we need to live in a family house etc etc

Notsoaccidentproneanymore · 29/09/2020 13:21

Dropped ds2 at Uni on Sun (ds1 left home at 18, but has always lived within a few miles of us).

The house feels really empty now. Like a lot of you I feel really mixed up (feel like crying, lump in chest etc). Was really looking forward to being child free for the first time in 2 decades, but its come as quite a shock how I feel.

I can rationalize it (20 years is a long time!), but I’m struggling. I rang him yesterday, but he didn’t answer and hasn’t got back to me.

I suppose with everything else this year it just feels ........

Original poster
monkeyonthetable · 29/09/2020 14:33

@NecklessMumster - we've promised DC we won't move for four years. I want them to feel welcome back during the holidays and to have their rooms ready for them on their return. Then a year's cushiuoning after they have finished their degrees, so that if they want a gap year (they'll have deserved one after covid stamped the fun out of leaving school and starting uni) they still have a familiar base. But we are on the search for a place to move to in four years' time. That's one project.

Ah @Notsoaccidentproneanymore - it is such a long time. Such a massive chunk of life, it seems impossible it will ever end. Still not dropped off DS1 yet. DS2 went 2 weeks ago but DS1 leaves this weekend. Not sure how I'll feel.

OP posts:
NecklessMumster · 29/09/2020 14:41

That's a good plan, to stay for 4 years . I think it's all part of the 'what is my life now' feeling. I had to take yesterday off work and not getting much done today either. I feel like I don't know what my role is anymore and annoyed to be such a cliche. I am mourning that part of my life, we keep talking about when they were little, it feels like grief. I suppose when they were still at home its easy to forget the passing of time. I feel such a knob being so upset but I really hate it.

Original poster
monkeyonthetable · 29/09/2020 14:55

Don't judge yourself @NecklessMumster. Look how long this thread is! It's normal and natural for us to feel this way. It's a massive life shift.

OP posts:
NecklessMumster · 29/09/2020 15:17

Yes. I'm going to read the thread again Smile

JonHammIsMyJamm · 29/09/2020 15:29

Hello all. I think I must be broken!

My last one went a week ago and I feel great Blush. We are very close and her adolescent years were filled with ill-health and worry that we wouldn’t ever get to this point, so maybe that’s it for me? I was a SAHM/carer for the worst years and so getting her through the day was pretty much my everything. Things have greatly improved now for her and I’m ecstatic that she was able to go, is settling in so well and is enjoying it (even in these strange times). I’m obviously worried that she’ll have a major wobble or her health will become an issue again but you know, we’ve learned to take the good stuff when it comes and be prepared but not let the ‘what ifs’ take over.

My house does feel a bit emptier though and it’s weird setting one less place at the table and not having to bawl at her to turn her music down. Flowers to all those struggling.

Original poster
monkeyonthetable · 29/09/2020 22:10

LOL @JonHammIsMyJamm. You're not broken, you're just ahead of us.
I'm currently feeling much much calmer and happier for now because DS2 settled better than we expected. But DS1 is off soon, so the nest is not entirely empty yet. I expect to feel very odd once it is.

OP posts:
ifancyagreencard · 30/09/2020 08:51

@monkeyonthetable

We've done the same thing with DD re moving. We're looking at shifting area quite radically in due course, but we're staying put until her studies are done so she can still come "home" to her old school, childhood and family friends.

Peridot1 · 30/09/2020 10:08

DS messaged yesterday to say he might come home this weekend. To see the dog!

He thinks they will get locked down at some stage so should come home now if he wants to.

Whilst I really miss him obviously I’ve surprised myself by not being that upset. I actually think they will all get sent home so maybe that’s why. Deep down I don’t think he’ll be there for long!

We are moving next month. Two and a half hours from where we are currently. DS very keen for the move. I did worry he would regret it as he had a good summer here with friends but he is still keen. He hates the town we are in.

NecklessMumster · 30/09/2020 20:14

Mine seem ok. I'm still having waves of sadness but is getting better

CatPerson99 · 15/10/2020 16:26

Is anyone else still finding this really hard? I was trying to be brave and get on with things (we are about to move house!) but I’ve had a bit of a bad week and actually cried on the poor lady doing my ‘cheer me up’ pedicure! I have three away, one in the Army and two at uni so it’s been a gradual process, but I have to say I’m struggling now my little girl is spreading her wings too!

TrembleLikeAFlower · 15/10/2020 23:29

Hello. I've been reading but haven't posted here before. Our one and only has just started at college and, until today, I'd surprised myself at how brave I'd managed to be. But now DC is self-isolating because a flatmate is a contact, and home and college town have been placed in Tier 2. It all now seems a Bit Too Much.

So virtual gin and a hand squeeze to anyone feeling in need.

AldiAisleofCrap · 15/10/2020 23:35

That’s why I spread all my children over many years. I will have had dependent children at home from 1998 to 2040. Forty two years, it will be a adjustment for sure.

MarchingFrogs · 16/10/2020 00:19

But now DC is self-isolating because a flatmate is a contact,

@TrembleLikeAFlower, has your DC actually been told to self isolate by the contact tracing people If? Because it's not what's in the published guidelines. Only the flatmate does, unless they (or anyone else in the flat, obviously) themselves develop symptoms.
www.gov.uk/government/publications/guidance-for-contacts-of-people-with-possible-or-confirmed-coronavirus-covid-19-infection-who-do-not-live-with-the-person/guidance-for-contacts-of-people-with-possible-or-confirmed-coronavirus-covid-19-infection-who-do-not-live-with-the-person

Your household does not need to self-isolate with you if you do not have symptoms ofCOVID-19, but they should take extra care to follow the guidance on social distancing, handwashing and respiratory hygiene....

Peridot1 · 16/10/2020 04:49

@CatPerson99 - I’m sorry you are still fining it hard. I suppose it’s to be expected. Good days and bad days.

I’m doing ok. Miss him obviously but he came home for a weekend and is hopefully coming home again next week.

He was a total cliche last time and brought his washing!

He had to have a Covid test last weekend as had been in contact with a few people who had tested positive so they all had to isolate in his flat. They were all negative.

@AldiAisleofCrap - that’s impressive! What is the age difference between the oldest and youngest?

TrembleLikeAFlower · 16/10/2020 13:55

Yes, apologies, in trying to be brief I wasn't being clear. One flatmate is a contact and another has now tested postive, hence the self-isolation.

AldiAisleofCrap · 16/10/2020 15:14

@Peridot1 I have 21 years between my eldest and youngest. Am kind of joking in that I didn’t spread them out so I would always have children at home but it’s it’s a nice bonus. I do think it will be very hard emotionally when they all grow up as I have been a mum since I was 20. Hopefully I will have grandchildren by then but am very conscious especially after reading threads on here, that my relationship with them is based on my children’s wishes and their future partners.
It’s shocking to read how some grandparents over step the boundaries by demanding babies sleep
over etc.

AldiAisleofCrap · 16/10/2020 15:16

@Peridot1 will be 23 after I have my last.

Peridot1 · 16/10/2020 15:31

@AldiAisleofCrap - it’s lovely that you’ll have children at home for so long. There is 15 years between me and my youngest sibling with two in the middle. I know my mum liked having us around.

I hear you about the grandchildren! I only have one DS so o o one chance to get it right! And he tells me he’s not having kids till he’s about 40 and I’ll probably be dead then! I was 37 having him so he may be right!

ladytramp · 21/10/2020 21:25

Can I join. My only son left to college a few weeks ago. He's had to self-isolate but is now fine and enjoying making friends and leading an independent life. I'm WFH, so is DH. I'm not doing too well. DS is a real friend and has always been a pleasure to be with. I miss the chats, the laughs, knowing about his life, etc. Tier 2 means we can't even see friends anymore. Sorry, this is my list of miseries!

anothernamereally · 22/10/2020 07:45

@ladytramp

Can I join. My only son left to college a few weeks ago. He's had to self-isolate but is now fine and enjoying making friends and leading an independent life. I'm WFH, so is DH. I'm not doing too well. DS is a real friend and has always been a pleasure to be with. I miss the chats, the laughs, knowing about his life, etc. Tier 2 means we can't even see friends anymore. Sorry, this is my list of miseries!
It does get better- I still miss my ds of course but I am less depressed and teary about it now a few weeks in Thanks