Empty nest syndrome - it's real.

[monkeyonthetable]

Is anyone else feeling an intense, overwhelming empty-nest dread?

I know it's stupid but am shocked by how powerful it is. I feel sick and anxious, like there's a fist clenching my chest. Both my DC are leaving home at the same time. Of course I want them to start their adult lives but some part of me just wants to hug them and never stop.

I'm fretting that ASD DS2 will be overwhelmed and lonely and that real uni life won't live up to his very precise, planned, high expectations. I'm worried that DS1 will burn the candle at both ends and collapse (he's done this before - actually fainted from hard work and lack of sleep when leading an expedition in L6.)

And concerned that DH and I will slide into evening TV and silence. We had plans to do some long haul travel as soon as they left, to push ourselves out of the empty nest too but that's been shelved due to Covid.

Has anyone had it and got over it? Is anyone else surprised by how powerful and unexpected it is? Would love to chat to people who feel the same or had it and are through it.

[Shoegal0305]

My DS has decided he doesn't want to finish 6th form and has been working 2 hours from home all summer and wants to stay there! I'm a lone parent. I wasn't prepared for him to take the 'proper' route (6th form then uni) so this has completely taken the rug from under me!!!

His plans don't add up and he's reluctant to talk as he knows I'm talking sense but he's 18 in 6 weeks I can't force him to stay.

I'm signed off work I'm struggling so much.

[MiddleAgedLurker]

What helped me was a big project to focus on (in my case downsizing). And they come home in the holidays
@HopeClearwater similar boat for me, I'm sorry you are in it too. In a way, it almost made it easier, as odd as that might sound, because I was so pleased that they settled well despite their loss, which in our case was very recent. This does not help with day-to-day loneliness, but knowing that the kids were alright was a massive help in my own ability to cope

[HopeClearwater]

@MiddleAgedLurker my thoughts too - I’ll feel better and cope better if mine are settled happily. to you too.

[monkeyonthetable]

I really feel for those of you who have raised their DC as single parents. That is such a massive jump to make from noisy, messy household to too much peace and tidiness.
I'm even feeling nostalgic that there won't be toothpaste bubbles in the sink anymore or frying pans from cooked breakfasts that they 'forget' to wash up.

[monkeyonthetable]

I need to get a grip, obviously

[Theradioison]

I've got twins leaving for university a fortnight tomorrow, half of me is so excited for them but the other half is totally bereft, so much so that I'm somehow managing to blank it out completely....the idea of no children here after 18 years of having them full time is just too much but then I feel awful saying that as it's how it should be. Hugs to parents on their own xx

[InfiniteSheldon]

I was a single parent for 16 years and it was brutal I'd been a mum since I was 21. I kept thinking I'm only 43 what is the point of another 40 years. It's such an awful awful time but you will get through it. I have moved house, met an amazing man got married, got two dogs, changed jobs.

[Shoegal0305]

I'm not coping at all. My son won't communicate with me. Doesn't want to face up to reality. He's definitely quitting his A levels but made no plans to go into school to actually tell them! Announced yesterday he's returning to the town he stayed at all summer and returning to what was his summer job!

I've been signed off work it's making me so poorly.

[Shoegal0305]

If anyone can offer me some kind words it would be appreciated x

[ZaZathecat]

Shoegal it's difficult to see your son go another way, that looks like the 'wrong' way while you watch what looks like all the other 18 year olds trip off to university with amazing futures ahead of them
The truth is that many don't succeed or are unhappy at uni, and there is no guarantee of a dazzling career at the end.
Your ds will find his own way and you can be there if he needs you.
Don't forget there are thousands of apprenticeship schemes which can get him on the road to a career if he wants to, and many do not require A levels.

[Shoegal0305]

@ZaZathecat thank you. Thing is, he desperately wants to do this specific uni course! He's spent the summer living with a group who are a few years older and he wants to be at their stage..... now! My argument is if he speaks to school and tells them how unhappy he is I'm certain they can work
Something out? Then this time next year he can be on his uni course. If he takes a year out, which again I'm willing to support, he'll need to return home to do a two year BTec course to allow him to get to uni.

[monkeyonthetable]

@Shoegal0305 - I feel for you. That's so abrupt. But on the bright side: he has a job!!! So many teens have tried desperately to get employment and got nowhere, so he must be doing something right if they want to keep him on. That's something you can be so proud of. And he's confident enough to live alone in another city aged 17. Few children of his generation have that kind of independent spirit that we had at their age. Again, you can be so proud of him for that. It reflects really well on you that he is so mature at his age. He can always return to studying later in life if he wants to.

[monkeyonthetable]

@InfiniteSheldon - your post is inspiring. There is a point to the rest of our lives!

[Shoegal0305]

@monkeyonthetable thank you. Thing is the job he has is in a resort and it's seasonal. Come November it will close. By that time my thinking is he could be another few months thru his A levels.

I can't force anything upon him, only be there for him, and it's so hard. I selfishly don't want him to move 100 odd miles away, at least next year if he went down his original plan he would be going under the protection of uni with a grant etc. Or am I being selfish?

[Peridot1]

@Shoegal0305 - that sounds very stressful. And frustrating!

My DS is off in less than two weeks. He is an only child. I’m really excited for him obviously but will miss him so much. Even though he only appears for food and conversation is like pulling teeth unless he wants something!

He had a hard few years around GSCEs. Missed lots of school and did mocks and GCSEs at home. First year of sixth form was similar. Did A level mocks at home and we were worried he wouldn’t do a levels at all. But it gradually improved and he managed ok. Has had a gap year of just chilling at home which has done him the world of good. He’s grown up a bit. Has developed a nice friendship group. Enjoys socialising which he wasn’t interested in before really.

So it’s fantastic that he is going off to the next stage. But we will miss him so much.

We are moving house and area so are focussed on trying to sell this house. So that will keep us busy and I need to make a list of things to do to keep occupied.

[Shoegal0305]

@Peridot1 sounds like you've had a stressful time too! But sounds like he's come thru ok. You will of course miss him dreadfully, how far is he going?

[Peridot1]

@Shoegal0305 - he will be around 3 hours away initially. But much less when we move. Half an hour by car then.

[Sandbagger]

My daughter left for uni yesterday, it’s broke my heart. She’s not just my daughter but my best friend. I honestly don’t know what I’ll do without her. I just don’t think I can survive the next three years without her.
How are other parents coping, does it get easier? Any advice on how to cope with this would be appreciated 😞

[Shoegal0305]

@Sandbagger we are here. I've found venting on here helps. How far has your daughter gone?

[Sandbagger]

She hasn’t even gone that far, only about 45 minutes away, which I’m grateful for. But it doesn’t change the fact that the house feels completely empty without her.

[Shoegal0305]

@Sandbagger no it doesn't. I'm still
In limbo with mine. He's quit A levels, tho hasn't told school! He's home from his summer job, 2 hours away, but informs me he's returning this week, won't talk to me.

[Sandbagger]

That’s awful, why did he quit his A levels? It’s hard when they won’t open up to you.

[Shoegal0305]

He hated his A levels, fair enough. He worked 2 hours away all summer, in a job he wants to do eventually. He's had a taste of a great life, I likened it to a holiday romance! I hoped it would make him be more determined to come home and work really hard so that this time next year he can start his dream course at uni, attached to the industry he loves. It's the opposite! He just wants to be back there. I think he's slowly realising he does need to study and to be fair to him he has been looking at other courses to study here at home.

[HollysBush]

Shoegal he’ll work it out for himself eventually. Just be there for him when he needs you, you’ll wear yourself out if you try to control him. Hopefully he’ll surprise you and you’ll be proud x

[Shoegal0305]

@HollysBush thank you. Everyone says the same thing so I know you are right in what you say. I'm signed off work at the minute it's made me so poorly.