Empty nest syndrome - it's real.

[monkeyonthetable]

Is anyone else feeling an intense, overwhelming empty-nest dread?

I know it's stupid but am shocked by how powerful it is. I feel sick and anxious, like there's a fist clenching my chest. Both my DC are leaving home at the same time. Of course I want them to start their adult lives but some part of me just wants to hug them and never stop.

I'm fretting that ASD DS2 will be overwhelmed and lonely and that real uni life won't live up to his very precise, planned, high expectations. I'm worried that DS1 will burn the candle at both ends and collapse (he's done this before - actually fainted from hard work and lack of sleep when leading an expedition in L6.)

And concerned that DH and I will slide into evening TV and silence. We had plans to do some long haul travel as soon as they left, to push ourselves out of the empty nest too but that's been shelved due to Covid.

Has anyone had it and got over it? Is anyone else surprised by how powerful and unexpected it is? Would love to chat to people who feel the same or had it and are through it.

@ErrrrIDontThinkSo Thanks...I am sitting on my hands and I know he won't mind my Mum phoning him, so if I don't hear in a couple of days I'll ask her to ring! I hope it goes well with your dc next week. I found the anticipation of him not being at home worse and found myself in tears the week before. Now I am tired.

MissingMyLovelyBoy I hope you have a nice relaxing Sunday; in a way I am wondering if my shy and anxiety prone ds will be OK as restricted socialising will mean a slower easing in with fewer people. How many others is your ds sharing with?

@ErrrrIDontThinkSo & @LightandAiry thank you both for your kind words. My DS is in a flat with 7 others although only a couple of others moved in yesterday. He had the option of choosing ‘quiet’ accommodation and so I have a vision of them all never coming out of their rooms! I watched some groups of happy, noisy, boisterous students whilst there and he is so far removed from them that he could be different species. I just hope he finds at least a few likeminded individuals and isn’t too lonely.

I am new to mumsnet and have really arrived here is desperation. After months of planning, last week I dropped my eldest son at University.

On arriving home I walked into his bedroom, semi empty and covered in dust and immediately collapsed into a state of deep sadness which I can't break.

A week ago the sun was shining and I was full of optimism. Now I cannot concentrate, I can't eat and I have a fear of the future.

I have been a single mother for 16 years and have close relationships with both my children. I have a long term boyfriend. We do not live together and this has prompted us to talk about our relationship and whether we finally decide to live together. He told me that he had been thinking about it for a long time but didn't want to risk upsetting the balance of a relationship with me and my kids which worked. There is potentially a lot to look forward to but the winter ahead looks long and difficult. I'm working from home and desperately want to be back in the office because I'm missing office life and I'm terrified that I won't be able to see my eldest son in late October due to impending lockdown.

I know parents across the land are experiencing the same feelings but how long is this likely to last and has anyone got any advice as to how to move things on so that I can function in a normal way and feel a sense of happiness again?

Thanks

I do so feel for you @Nell2007 as I am now without both my DS having dropped off the youngest yesterday. I held it together when we said goodbye as I really didn’t want him to see me upset: I could see he was a little emotional and I didn’t want him to have an upset Mum on his hands! I had just about got used to being without DS1 as he’s been at uni now for a couple of years but the same year he left I also lost my Mum quite suddenly and sometimes it all seems too much. Someone I know described the feeling when they go off to uni as a grief thing; I am very close to my two and we text very regularly so that helps enormously. I don’t think there is one right answer to your question but I find keeping busy is best.

I dropped my youngest off at Uni yesterday (eldest went four years ago and is now living away). It is a massive change especially after spending so much time together in lockdown. However your kids still need you - it's just a different relationship. I lost my mum when I was at University and know how much I missed not having that relationship as a young adult. So please don't feel like you're not needed anymore!

It’s really hard @Nell2007 isn’t it? My DS is an only and things with DH are ok but not wonderful. I’m trying not to think about it too much! We are moving house soon so at least have that to focus on. A move will be good for us all. It also means we will be half an hour from uni rather than 3.

As to when you’ll feel better I’m not sure. I suspect we all all gradually get used to them not being around and will have good days and bad. I’m not great in winter anyway but am going to make sure I get out for walks every day. I got a Lumie lamp too on advice from a counsellor as I know my mood dips without sunshine.

I think it’s a particularly hard year for us all anyway. And there is so much added worry with everything going on and a potential second lock down. I’m feeling guilty for half hoping there will be one and he will have to come home! I don’t really want that but it would be lovely to have him home again.

Hi
It's a relief to know that this is a common feeling. I few people I know who have been through this have said that you do re-adjust. At the moment it does feel all consuming and the current covid situation is making things so much more uncertain and disconnected.

If I could fast forward March 2021and the upward turn in the weather I would although that would mean missing Christmas with both my kids in the house and the outside possibility of seeing elder one around half term. I think that once I have seen him and he has also returned and gone back to uni again the new pattern will be set and I'll be able to accept the new normal family life.

@Peridot1 I could have written much of your post - so much of it hugely resonates with me. My big worry is that there will be a second lockdown and they won't be able to come home though - I'm torturing myself about it.

@Nell2007 I feel your pain, and I feel the same about a return visit hopefully helping to set a new "normal" in place for our family. It's so weird isn't it, I'm trying hard to make sense of a lot of these feelings but can't.

Can I join please? Not sure what's happening with me as I felt like you OP (as in all the similar physical and emotional symptoms) around April/May time and it has gradually eased over the Summer. I'm trying to hold it together now for DH as he's far worse than me and doesn't cope well with change anyway and she's our youngest (older DS still at home, studying uni).

My worry is it will hit me with a bang when she goes early this week! So expect I'll be back here for support. Of course, as we all know the virus, impending lockdown, online learning/limited socialising is not helping out sanity!

Thank you for starting the thread @monkeyonthetable roll on Christmas

..although re the limited socialising, this depends on how it pans out as she's a quiet girl anyway so might prefer small bubbles..we shall see..

@ErrrrIDontThinkSo - that is something I hadn’t considered. I assumed a lockdown would mean they would get sent home.

I messaged DS earlier to see how he was and got a reply saying “not bad but not great”. Spoke to him and he’s a bit down and fed up. Not much going on. He went to a bar on campus and it was a bit rubbish. Freshers stuff he wanted to do is sold out.

Hope this week will be better for him. It’s such a big adjustment and definitely not the uni experience they were expecting.

Hi everyone and welcome to all the new people. Good luck to all your lovely DC. I hope they are able to find some like minded, kind and fun friends and enjoy their courses despite lockdown.

DS was a bit happier today. Went out last night with a little crowd he's been hanging out with and a few other new people. (Not quite sure how the rule of six worked there, but they were sitting in a park, apparently.) And today had a very well organised socially distanced meet up with other people on his course, though he did only meet five of them because of the new rules, as they weren't allowed to mingle between groups and none were at his halls. But he then bumped into more people on his course on the way back to his halls. He even said he doesn't mind his flat being so quiet as it might be more relaxing not to have lots of noise and fights over washing up and who ate the last slice of bread. So right now he is in an upbeat mood, which makes life so much less stressful.

Thank you for this thread @monkeyonthetable I am comforted to know it’s not just me struggling with the feelings I have. As DS has had his issues with anxiety all I want is for him to be with a group of happy positive young people and to get the most from his course in these uncertain times. Such stressful times for parents in this situation!

Hello. Am thinking what to do as a positive. Before in the new year ie just before lockdown I was attempting to do more me stuff in anticipation of now. But obviously most of those options are gone. Also a single parent and have younger DS but he’s heading into puberty and monosyllable replies.
Exhausted after big round trip over the weekend and looking at my bedroom which until Saturday was where dd and I piled up all her uni stuff.
Need some projects and ideas to get me over this bit and face impending next lockdown

Ds has been gone a whole week now! Although I was very teary at times and my younger dc keep asking where he is, overall it's been better than I expected and he has kept in touch daily with short messages or snaps and seems ok if a bit bored.
I'm hoping the week carries on being positive.

Hi, my daughter went to Uni about 10 days ago, but not too far away. We were planning on seeing her this weekend, taking her for lunch or something. But if Boris announces tomorrow that we can't mix households, then we can't can we? She only turned 18 last month, and although is doing OK, says she misses us all and wants to see us. It kills me that my own daughter is now classed as being in another household. I know she will be really upset, as will I. She deliberately moved to that Uni to be close to us.

God I hate this.

@Silverstar2 I feel the same - DD leaves this week and has only just turned 18. I am worried that I'm going to fall apart if we are told tomorrow that we can't see her 😞

We dropped DD off yesterday, she seemed fine, met the people in her flat who seemed nice. But I feel completely bereft, I keep having waves of sadness and tears overwhelm me. I've got a meeting in a minute, just hope I can hold it together!!

Part of the problem is that teaching doesn't start for almost two weeks so she'll just be hanging around until then. And if we have a second lock-down, she'll be stuck with the people in her flat and not meeting anyone else.

@Silverstar2 - I am so confused - I can't keep up. Can't she see you as part of the Rule of Six? At very least, could you take her out for dinner somewhere without breaking any rules?

@lanadelgrey - I agree - it's so much harder to make plans for new things to focus on when Covid restrictions keep changing. After working form home for years, at the start of this year I decided I'd go out into the world and get a job in an office to socialise bit more. So that was a great plan!

Yes I think at the moment we can meet up - but it is my understanding that if they say households can't mix at all, then we can't.

But yes, so confusing and constantly changing.

I'm getting used to dd not being here now. I'm really lucky she's messaging lots. She's not very outgoing so isn't out much and hasn't clicked with her flatmates so it's been a rollercoaster for her and us. Lots of tears along the way.
At the end of her first week she was ready to give up but then met with some others on her subject and things improved. She really likes them but is so reluctant to instigate doing things with them so doesn't see them often. But I'm desperately hoping the friendships develop as they seem to be her type of people.
She's a huge introvert who loves her own company so is happy in her flat and room for a lot of the time. But I do worry she's not having enough social interaction. But I think that is bothering me and not her so much. She seems content and like she's starting to settle. And is now busy with work now online teaching has started.
Whilst messaging yesterday she mentioned that she would like to see me and dp. She doesn't want to come home for a visit as she thinks she won't want to go back but wants to see us. So we've said we will visit her next weekend. We knew she would get homesick so that is why she wanted to go to the uni she's at which isn't too far away.
Whilst I'm desperate to see her, I'm actually scared to go though. I worry it's going to make her want to come home and we'll both get upset. I don't think either of us will want to say goodbye again. I worry it's a bit soon yet but as she's asked I can't say no. I know it's going to be tough though.
I just hope it doesn't set her back. I want it to help reassure her we're not that far away from her.
This has all been so much harder than I expected it to be.

@Snozzlemaid - that sounds tough. But she also sounds brave, like she's doing her best to settle in and doing it her way. I think the quieter ones need some reassurance that they don't have to meet every single other fresher in the first week. Maybe just reassure her that you are proud of her being true to herself, allowing herself quiet time, and that you are confident she will make like-minded friends as the course goes on. Maybe asking about the coursework will help, just to gently focus on the long-term reason she is there.

I think the other thing that helps is to remind them there are loads of options and no one option is The Best. there's only what works best for them. They can stay and do their best to make friends despite covid restrictions. They can stay, work hard in their rooms and keep to themselves, if they like. They can go home and do the course online. Or they can leave and reapply when the crisis is over, they are older and maybe more confident. There's no single right way to become an adult.

As a PP has said, being able to overcome some adversity is an important stage of growing up, so I think they need to learn that a few tears and wobbles are completely normal and most people will have them at some stage. But if it's more than that, their ability to gauge what makes them feel happy and stable in life is pretty much the most important lesson we ever learn.

Thank you monkeyonthetable for your kind and wise words.
The silly thing is that I think dd knows herself well and knows what works for her but I'm the one thinking she should be socialising more. I guess I'm just hearing stories of freshers have a great time meeting lots of new people and this hasn't been the case for dd. But deep down I know she doesn't need a huge group of friends around her to thrive.
I need to trust she's doing what's best for her.
And look forward to seeing her next weekend.

@Snozzlemaid it sounds like your DD knows her own mind and what will help her - that's a great start. I hope she makes some lovely friends really soon.

Just dropped DD off and after 2 weeks of fighting back tears I was SO proud of myself - held it together with a big smile until I hugged her goodbye and even then was very controlled. Cried the whole way home but she didn't see that. The house feels empty without her and I'm preparing myself for a rough weekend. I can't imagine what it was like before texting and mobile phones - I would have been refusing to leave the house in case she called!

I hope everyone else is doing ok.