Empty nest syndrome - it's real.

[monkeyonthetable]

Is anyone else feeling an intense, overwhelming empty-nest dread?

I know it's stupid but am shocked by how powerful it is. I feel sick and anxious, like there's a fist clenching my chest. Both my DC are leaving home at the same time. Of course I want them to start their adult lives but some part of me just wants to hug them and never stop.

I'm fretting that ASD DS2 will be overwhelmed and lonely and that real uni life won't live up to his very precise, planned, high expectations. I'm worried that DS1 will burn the candle at both ends and collapse (he's done this before - actually fainted from hard work and lack of sleep when leading an expedition in L6.)

And concerned that DH and I will slide into evening TV and silence. We had plans to do some long haul travel as soon as they left, to push ourselves out of the empty nest too but that's been shelved due to Covid.

Has anyone had it and got over it? Is anyone else surprised by how powerful and unexpected it is? Would love to chat to people who feel the same or had it and are through it.

[surreygoldfish]

You’re not alone....Dropped DS at Exeter today. Beautiful in the sunshine, DS all settled in his halls. I’ve been overcompensating in the last couple of weeks buying him stuff to go with. I’ve still got two others at home but it just feels like a watershed moment and the start of a new chapter. Was always thus, but still hard!

[monkeyonthetable]

@surreygoldfish - hope it goes well for him. I've been buying everything I can think he will need. And then will do the same for DS1 who leave two weeks later.

[ErrrrIDontThinkSo]

Hi everyone

I'm so glad I found this thread. My lovely DD is off to uni next week and it hit me like a tidal wave this weekend. She's so happy and excited and I am genuinely thrilled for her that she's starting her life away from us but I just feel bereft that our time as a little family of 4 is over - I've enjoyed it so much and it went too fast. She was in the back of the car laughing with her sister yesterday and I could hardly keep it together.

I have got to pull myself together as I absolutely do NOT want to be upset in front of her but I'm finding that increasingly hard and dreading the drop off, though actually the time limit may work in my favour as there will be no drawn out goodbyes.

I'm torn between over booking my work schedule to keep me busy the week after she goes, or taking a couple of days out as I know I will be a distracted mess....

I really wasn't expecting it to be this hard....

[Shoegal0305]

@ErrrrIDontThinkSo sorry to hear you are feeling so bad. We all in our own circumstances feel similar. Wish I could take my own advice but I'm having counselling and she's advised me to let these feelings out. When I feel sad/despair/desperation/anger, whatever, let is wash over me knowing it will pass. Now I have these roller coaster emotions I try my hardest to allow myself to feel them. It won't take the pain away but it helps you get through it.

[monkeyonthetable]

I agree about holding it together in front of them but letting the emotion out when you are away from them. Not fair on them for us to offload our fears when they are excited about their new adult lives. We need to back up their sense of excitement and adventure. But it is so much harder than I imagined.

@ErrrrIDontThinkSo - hope it goes well on the day. We have two going - one tomorrow and one in October.

[anothernamereally]

Can I join?
I started to read the thread but it's just too painful to read that we're all going through the same thing.
Dropped ds yesterday and feel bereft today, trying to hold it together for other dc.
I'm excited and super proud of him but so sad too

[ErrrrIDontThinkSo]

@monkeyonthetable Good luck tomorrow - I hope you manage to reflect back their excitement and hold back the tears.

@Shoegal0305 I don't have much choice about letting the emotions out - that's happening whether I like it or not, it's ridiculous!

[ErrrrIDontThinkSo]

@anothernamereally I'm exactly the same. I've been looking up articles on how to deal with these feelings but reading everyone else's experience is just too raw at the moment.

[Shoegal0305]

@ErrrrIDontThinkSo what I mean is don't try to suppress what you're feeling. My counsellor time me to let the emotion wash over me and it does help because they do pass. By all means hide it from your DC but still let it out. ❤️

[Snozzlemaid]

I held it together until the final hug goodbye. Couldn't stop the tears then.
I'm feeling better today as I'm working so that's definitely helping to distract me.
Getting the odd message from her helps too.
It's hard not to message all the time. I want to know what's she's up to all the time and how she's coping but I know I have to let her get on with it.
We will FaceTime at some point and I'll bombard her with questions then, but I think it's too soon now.
It will make me cry and she has a tendency to get homesick so I don't think it would be a good idea for her just yet.
Messages will have to do for now.

[ErrrrIDontThinkSo]

@Snozzlemaid I will be very pleased with myself if I manage to stay tear-free until the last hug! I've been wondering the same re FaceTime - I'm worried that I will get upset which will upset her, and I'm also worried that her seeing the rest of the family at home as normal will make her homesick. Im going to have to follow her lead to start with I think.

[Snozzlemaid]

Yes. I'm doing that.
I don't want to make her homesick if she sees us here.
I'll wait until she's more settled and suggest it if she hasn't already by then.

[GrapeHyacinth]

Same as @HopeClearwater dh died 2 years ago. Youngest is 13 and when she goes it'll just be me. I'll have gone from 4 to 1 in the space of a few years

[Tomatoesneedtoripen]

my dd went back for year 2 but popped home briefly recently, it makes it hard.
my other dd has finished at uni but is home since covid and very lost and does not appreciate mothering

[AviceCaro]

I'm in the same boat - youngest DD starts uni in a couple of weeks. I'm excited for her, but I'm completely dreading it.

When my eldest left I was absolutely bereft, so I know what to expect, but that doesn't make it any easier.

We've spent so much time together over lockdown, I'm going to be so lonely.

My cat has recently had kittens, all planned to coordinate with her leaving, so at least I have them to nurture.

[BigSandyBalls2015]

“She was in the back of the car laughing with her sister yesterday and I could hardly keep it together”

ERR that’s exactly what tipped me over the edge last year when we dropped DD off

[monkeyonthetable]

@GrapeHyacinth and @HopeClearwater - so sorry about your DHs. That's such a traumatic change. Completely understandable that 'losing' your DC to uni will feel really hard. to you both.

[monkeyonthetable]

Hi @anothernamereally - you found us!

Welcome to all new people on this thread.

Good luck to your DC starting out their new adult lives in these crazy times. I hope they find their way happily and safely and that we come through it feeling happy for them and proud of them and glad of a bit of time to ourselves, in the end.

[Ragwort]

I feel a bit guilty as I didn't mind my 'empty nest' at all when DS (Only child) went to Uni last year , I felt proud that we'd raised a confident young man who was so happy to go off to uni and start the rest of his life. I think DH found it harder but our life was much more peaceful and quieter and no arguing over sharing the car.

Of course with Covid he was back home after six months anyway .... now getting ready to take him back next week.

I think the key for me was a job I love, lots of hobbies and interests to concentrate on.

[ErrrrIDontThinkSo]

@AviceCaro I have kittens here too - I'm hoping they will keep me busy :)

[cornflakehill]

Can I join in, please? I'm at work but am sitting here in tears thinking about DD leaving next week. The gorgeous photo on my desk of her and younger DD when they were small doesn't help. Plus I've managed to get that Abba 'Slipping through my Fingers' song stuck in my brain which sets me off anyway!

Like others, I had no idea this would hit me so hard. I know it's a great opportunity for her and I hope she'll have a whale of a time but I'm just going to miss her so much. Having younger DD still at home should help.

I've been instructed not to cry in front of anyone when we drop her off!

[Snozzlemaid]

I hope those still to say goodbye can take comfort from the fact that it's only been a few days since dd left but I'm already feeling much better about it.
She's keeping in touch which helps. I love getting messages from her even if it is how to work the oven or microwave!
She's enjoying it and is loving cooking for herself.
I packed her a sewing kit and she didn't understand why. But today she's sent a picture of a skirt she liked and bought but it was too long so she's shortened it herself!
She's doing great as a self sufficient adult which makes me beam with pride.
I was a weeping mess only a few days ago so please know you can get through it.

[ErrrrIDontThinkSo]

@Snozzlemaid That is so good to read, I'm glad she is happy and doing well.

[HappySonHappyMum]

I dropped my son at the station on Monday as he set of for his first week of his apprenticeship up north. He's gone from lazing around all summer to full on 8 hour days on his feet and I can tell he's exhausted when we shared a few texts this evening. I've told him he'll get used to it once he's got into a routine - it helps that the hotel he's being put up in is nice. It just feels so weird without him though. Like there's a space where he should be - a big whole. I haven't cried as much as I thought and it 's like he's having a weeks holiday every week and he'll be home on Friday which is soon enough. I just wish I wasn't still furloughed and I could throw myself into my work which would have helped me massively.

[Heffapotamus]

😁
My DS has been gone 10 days now. I was all right last week but not so much now. I'm climbing the walls - although that may just be the fact that I'm WFH and have only seen the cat today! I guess it's just a process of adjustment...