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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

Original poster

Is anyone else dreading their child going to university?

165 replies

MothOnMyComputer · 02/08/2019 23:57

I'm sobbing away in private, all the time, whilst pretending to be happy. How did that happen so quickly?

OP posts:
BackforGood · 03/08/2019 00:05

There is always at least one thread on this, every year.

Personally, I was proud of my dc, and really excited for them. I can't see anything sad about it, but, clearly you are not alone, from the fact it springs up every year.

WhenIsTheEasyBit · 03/08/2019 00:21

I was this time last year. Absolutely dreading it because my DS is such good company, really caring, and the house feels right with him in it.

He left late September and was so keen (anxious) to get in and make friends that the saying goodbye was very rushed and had none of the sense of occasion I'd anticipated.

Three weeks later my DM was diagnosed with terminal cancer. She lived another four weeks.

If you had told me I would have had to cope with those two losses within weeks of each other, I would have told you it would finish me. But it didn't.

You'll cope. The nature of your contact and relationship will change, but you're still Mum and home is still home.

I found it helps to know when the next visit/ homecoming is. I get school holidays off, so plan a half term trip to see him, which helps break things up. WhatsApp is good, and scheduling a time for FaceTime or a phone call, so you know you'll be able to catch up.

ladygracie · 03/08/2019 00:25

WhenIsTheEasyBit - that’s very hard. I am sorry for your loss.
I am not dreading it but know I will miss her very much.
Backforgood - you couldn’t see anything sad at all? I am so proud and excited for my child but can see that I will be sad when she goes. The two things aren’t incompatible.

BackforGood · 03/08/2019 00:49

No. I miss them being around, in odd ways, but, with all the social media / texts / WhatsApp / etc., you can chat to them whenever you like. I reckon I've been in closer contact with both of mine when they are away, than when they are living under the same roof.

waltzingparrot · 03/08/2019 01:02

Yes and no. I remember how I felt leaving for uni. It's such an exciting time for our DC and I'm excited for him and the new friends and life he will make. However, I am dreading it for a very specific reason. DS has allergies and he is now going to have to deal with this on his own. He has been a bit lapse recently, forgotten to take his epi-pen out with him, practically run out of inhaler etc. I've managed to keep him alive to adulthood, now I'm going to worry that left to his own devices, he might not take so much care.

Original poster
MothOnMyComputer · 03/08/2019 01:28

BackforGood Well done. Very well done. I'm not sure why you clicked on the thread title but not getting emotional about your children does not make you a better person

OP posts:
jaguar67 · 03/08/2019 07:22

Moth - I get you , I really do. When my elder DD went off last year I felt as though someone had punched me in the stomach. I was a blubbering wreck. Within a couple of weeks I'd pulled myself together (can't even remember how to be honest) and things got better v quickly. Then seeing her happy in her new surroundings, I couldn't have been happier or more proud of the independent young person I'd helped 'grow'.
One year on I'm facing the same thing all over again with younger! Knowing though that they're back more than they're away, really helps and I can honestly say that our relationship with elder has never been better - the going away has actually made us closer!
You allow yourself to feel sad if you want, but just know that it'll all be ok, it really will. Keep us posted. Hugs xx

CamdenLoaf · 03/08/2019 07:27

You asked a question, OP, and BackforGood answered according to her own experience. She in no way suggested she was a ‘better person’ because her children leaving for university had not crushed her, and in fact her post was reassuring in its reminder that there have never been so many ways of being in touch. Your response was uncalled for.

alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 03/08/2019 07:33

How rude Moth! Backforgood said absolutely nothing to deserve that! For what its worth my son will hopefully be starting uni in February so we have been going to lots of open days in the last few weeks. It does make me feel old as hell, but I am excited for him! I loved uni, and I hope he has as good a time as I did.

LoafofSellotape · 03/08/2019 07:33

I hear you OP, I am swinging between excited and sad.

AuntieMarys · 03/08/2019 07:38

I wasn't sad when mine went! I knew they would have the most amazing time as I did. It wasn't all plain sailing....they had problems along the way...But they matured enormously.
I may have had a little cry the day they left....

OhYouBadBadKitten · 03/08/2019 07:57

It's ok to be sad - it's a huge change in life and there is a sense of loss for many. (It's ok to not be sad too and people can sometimes struggle to see how this is a vastly different experience for different people)

I was in this position last year. Most of the time I was ok, but sometimes I'd have big puddles of sadness. By the time dd actually went to university there was also huge amounts of pride and excitement, along with worry, all mixed in. A lot of very difficult stuff happened in my life at that time. But I did get through it.

I was surprised at how quickly we adjusted to dd not being around. Life has a different rhythm. It's lovely to have her home when she is home. I feel sad for a few days when she goes back, but then we enjoy life again.

I think it's about accepting that whatever you feel, that's ok. It will get better.

TapasForTwo · 03/08/2019 08:06

Is anyone else dreading their child going to university?

No, not at all. I am looking forward to it. DD was unsuccessful with her medicine application, and didn’t like the sound of the course she was offered or the location of it so decided to take a gap year. She has worked and volunteered during this time. She has also spent a great deal of it feeling sad and lonely because all of her friends and boyfriend are at university having fun, making new friends and moving on. Two weeks after everyone went away she admitted that she wished she had gone to university.

In September she will go to what was originally her first choice, but to do a different, medically related, course, and is looking forward to going. She now admits that she wasn’t really ready to go last year, but is now. Her confidence in the last year has grown massively. She is a fantastic cook and finds it much easier to talk to strangers on the phone and in RL, so with hindsight, the gap year was probably a good idea, even if it didn’t quite go to plan.

I want her to go because she would be unhappy if she didn’t. Of course I will miss her as we do a lot together, but she has her own path to follow and her own life to lead.

Do you have other children? Can I gently suggest that you pat yourself on the back that you have done such a good job of raising a child to become independent, and please don’t guilt trip them about going away.

stucknoue · 03/08/2019 08:17

Her back up choice is 12 miles away (first choice is 120 miles away) a bit of me wants her close but I have to let her go ... oldest lives at home for university and it isn't the same experience (she has asd so it works for her)

OhYouBadBadKitten · 03/08/2019 08:18

I agree, no guilt tripping them!

velocitygirl7 · 03/08/2019 08:24

@WhenIsTheEasyBit for you Thanksthat must be so hard to deal with.
I feel for you all that are feeling emotional about your dc leaving for university, my eldest goes in September but she has chosen to go to uni where we live and although we have encouraged her to live away from home for the first year, we can practically see her accommodation from our attic Grin
I still feel very emotional about it, it's a big deal, she's my first to leave and I know the house will feel so different without her.

TapasForTwo · 03/08/2019 08:30

I must be heard hearted because I don't feel emotional or sad at all. However, DD needs to go. She needs to be with people her own age. She is also going to be in a city that is near where OH's side of the family live, so she will have her auntie and cousins nearby. She is familiar with and likes the city, so it won't feel like she is at the ends of the earth.

Of course I will worry about her. I worry too much about her, but the expression "You are only ever as happy as your unhappiest child." springs to mind.

missmouse101 · 03/08/2019 08:37

My daughter is 18 and would have been going off to university this September but is sadly having to repeat year 13 due to serious illness. She is very sad about this, we are sad for her and she feels all her friends are moving on without her. So, we are very sorry she has another year at home!

EleanorReally · 03/08/2019 08:47

I am worried, she is my youngest, she will be far away. I have faith she will be ok but am still worried

lljkk · 03/08/2019 08:50

I'll be chuffed to bits if all of mine go. Clearly another #heartlesscow

LoafofSellotape · 03/08/2019 08:51

However, DD needs to go

As does ds, doesn't mean I don't feel sad about this next chapter of life. I don't actually know anyone in my circle of friends who wasn't even slightly apprehensive about their kids going off to uni.

dementedma · 03/08/2019 08:55

I agree with backforgood. I was excited, proud and happy and genuinely not sad at all. People might not understand that but equally I dont understand the annual thread with people practically prostrate with grief. The dc is only at university, not dead.

MollyHuaCha · 03/08/2019 09:04

My third goes to university this autumn (already have two in university).

Your relationship with DC may change a little but for the better.

Be proud, supportive and embrace this new stage in your life.

marmiteloversunite · 03/08/2019 09:07

FaceTime is your saviour!! You can see their little faces and know that they are ok! My DD is about to go into second year. She is so happy at uni it makes me happy. Obviously I miss her like crazy but the terms are short and the summer is very long!
It will be ok.

Marmie4 · 03/08/2019 09:23

My DS went to uni last year, I get how you feel OP, they are with you for 18 years and then not, it's a strange feeling. He loves uni, loves the city, it's what he has always wanted and is thriving, how can I not be happy?

Of course I miss him, but you will adapt and they are back for a big chunk of the year, just makes you appreciate this time more.