Is anyone else dreading their child going to university?

[MothOnMyComputer]

I'm sobbing away in private, all the time, whilst pretending to be happy. How did that happen so quickly?

I realised how far we'd come when DS1 told me, 2-3 weeks into his 'end of Y1 uni' summer hols, that 'I wasn't to take this the wrong way' but he missed the fun and socialisation of uni.

My heart sang. It's fantastic to have him home, he's liking it (meals laid on, washing done, the odd lift) but the fact he'd rather be at uni makes me proud.

He went at 19 having fecked up Y12, restart, BTEC (which was the making of him); we overspent big time in a 'gold bracelet' for Freshers, Access All Areas- which he barely used, as he is not a social person, really. But he's got a nice, solid bunch of mates around him now, heading into a 4 person shared house, Y2.

However, I recognise that I am very fortunate in that I am well supported with a good, decent DH and DS2 (who is doing a Foundation Year in Art to get into the best design university in 2020). I am also not over-emotional, so could feel the 'pain' of DS1 going off to uni, but know he'd be home soon, and that I could do other stuff with my time. I didn't cry, THO I acknowledge DS1 is only 25 miles away- and silently cheered when DS2 rejected the 450 miles away uni for his course... he wants 80 miles away, London...

I do worry a bit for the 'my DD is my best friend' poster. Many years on here demonstrates how that can wreck DD marriages.

I understand you feeling sad. I know I will when my daughter goes. But on the other hand, I'll be so pleased that she is able to spread her wings and fly. My son has severe learning difficulties and will never have the chance of an indépendant life so that puts it into perspective I guess. Had I not had him I'd prob be a blubbering wreck too.

I hope all your sons/daughters got the results they wanted and will be off to their university of choice in September.
I am delighted for my child's relief.
Big changes ahead to be embraced and celebrated.

i am dreading mine going
but i was dreading the prospect of them not going too!
it is right and good and proper for them to go and have adventures and experience things and build a life but by god i am going to miss them.

I am going to miss the noise and the mess and the hugs and the laughter and the chats.
I think it's going to be really hard for his younger brother too as they are really close and have shared a room for years.

Mine won't open post from his uni or engage in conversation!

My biggest concern about him is the sheltered life he has led. All the online chat (even in a parents' forum!) is about Freshers' Week. Mine has never been out partying/ got drunk and goes to be at 10.30 every night. He's quite a shy type. This could go two ways : he could go wild with his newfound freedom, or he could lock himself away and be terribly unhappy. Any parent concerned about this type of thing is perfectly entitled to be.

Disclaimer : I realise there is a third way. It could be the making of him...

My son is off to NY for a year abroad (exchange programme) - I am still in avoidance mode. It will hit me when I say goodbye to him or when he starts packing. He leaves next Saturday. I am very proud of him and excited for him but I know I will be sobbing when he leaves.

I'm a single parent with on dd. When she went to uni I can honestly say it was one of the worst times of my life. I couldn't think about her without crying. It only lasted about three weeks.

It then turned into the best time of my life. I loved living on my own for the first time ever in my life.

After 4 years she's now back living with me for at least two years. She's cramping my style!

I'm another heartless parent who will be heaving a sigh of relief, for a good couple of years it looked like DS would never leave his bedroom. We were waiting for an A in French so he could attend his first choice Uni in Paris and his place was confirmed yesterday.
I will shed a wee tear on the plane home from dropping him off but am itching to get my hands on his room which will be clean for the first time since moving in and as a single parent looking forward to a bit more time to myself.

I’m excited for my DD as she got her first choice yesterday. It’s 4 hrs drive away but we both loved it on our visit and I can see her there. She’s ready to go and needs to go. I’m hoping she comes back able to tidy up after herself

Piggywaspushed -my DS is similar. I am hoping that univ will be the making of him though. I am sorry to say I won't miss him particularly. Gosh sounds awful but I think he needs to get away. He barely communicates at the moment and is still like ' Kevin the teenager '. He refused to let me be involved with any decisions, refused to let me come with him to any open days. I am allowed to drive him with his stuff to univ though, but i'm sure I will have to turn around and come straight back! I am hoping out will be like Kevin the teenager and he will go off to uni and come back as a charming, chatty, fully rounded young man. At least I can get in and fumigate his bedroom when he goes. He lived in a pigsty during his A-levels.

I feel much better about ds going as he also got his first choice. 5 hour drive but he loves the uni and I think he'll be happy there.

I will.also be decorating and decontaminating his bedroom once he's gone. Yuck

Are you all dropping your DCs and leaving or hanging around/staying nearby for the night. This will obv depend how far away they are I know.

We’ve taken the lead from DD, we’ve been given a two hour slot from the uni to drop her off and then there’s a bbq for students in the evening. DD said drop and go so she can settle in and meet people.

I was fine with this until a friend asked me yesterday how long I was staying there and seemed to think I was an uncaring bitch to drop and run even though DD wants us to, she said she’d insist on staying if it was her DS

Your friend is wrong. Take the child's lead not some 'know it all's'

Oh no drop and go. I’ve just provisionally booked a hotel the night before so we don’t have to do a 10 hr round trip . Will get her room sorted then leave I expect. A friend’s DD begged her parents to stay last year and missed the boat a bit with making friends. The others went off together while she was having tea with her mum and dad.

I was just really excited for her. Not full of self pity.

We will drop and go but need to stay over so will have to book overnight so might take him for lunch IF he wants to the next day.

"I am hoping out will be like Kevin the teenager and he will go off to uni and come back as a charming, chatty, fully rounded young man."

That would be ideal. Sadly, DD's boyfriend has changed from a nice polite young man into a cocky, arrogant, ill mannered, boorish young man who thinks it is "clever" to use bad language in polite society. If anything university has made him more immature. God, I sound like Hyacinth Bucket here.

BigSandyBalls2015 it is my intention to drop and run, but I asked DD if she wanted me to do that or stay for a couple of hours and help unpack. She said she wanted me to stay for a bit. I said I would just fit in with what she wanted, but if other parents didn't stay she wouldn't want me to be around.

In order to be good parents to our children, we have to prepare them for adulthood then let them go.
It’s not healthy to grieve for the dependent baby/child stage- we need to forge new bonds with them as adults and equals, and send them out into the world well equipped to cope.
There’s a lovely poem by Khalil Gibran, which I’ve quoted before on MN, but bears repetition:

“ Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself
They come through you but not from you
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love, but not your thoughts
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies, but not their souls
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow
Which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward, nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might, that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the Archer’s hand be for gladness
For even as He loves the arrow that flies
So He loves also the bow that is stable.”

By all means have a quiet cry when they go off to uni. But celebrate their coming of age, take pride in your job of parenting accomplished, and look forward to a whole new future satisfying relationship with the young adult you have produced.
You had a life before the DC, and you still do have. Live it and love it! God bless.

DD got her uni place confirmed yesterday and I feel mainly thrilled and excited for her, but there is a little bit of sadness mixed in. I'll miss her lovely company a lot. But I know she'll be having an amazing time and so I think I'll just enjoy knowing that. I understand your feelings though OP.

I'm lucky in that DDs uni isn't too far from me so I could go and meet her for lunch occasionally, if she wanted that, but I should think she'll be much too busy with her new friends - and that's fine.

Great post Babdoc

Babdoc I now have tears on my phone. Beautiful poem .

I am hormonal and tired

for Benjispruce

Bloody hormones