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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

Original poster

Is anyone else dreading their child going to university?

165 replies

MothOnMyComputer · 02/08/2019 23:57

I'm sobbing away in private, all the time, whilst pretending to be happy. How did that happen so quickly?

OP posts:
ifonly4 · 03/08/2019 09:37

My DD chose to go into boarding for Sixth Form. I was proud of her as she got a scholarship, but dreaded it at the same time, and felt I'd missed out on two years. My advice is to keep yourself busy for a few days after, go out with your OH, meet friends for coffee, have a potter around town, catch up on a few jobs - it really does help.

Stopyourhavering64 · 03/08/2019 11:40

Yes ,I was sad when eldest dd left for uni....but I was also excited for her too- I'd had a wonderful time at uni and was keen for her to experience life in a different part of the country and meet new people
Since she went to uni 350 miles away, ( and has now graduated and working abroad) our other 2 dcs have also left for uni ( and middle dd has also just graduated and is spending next year traveling/ working abroad)
The family dynamics have definitely changed...younger 2 dcs now get on much better than they have for years, we love visiting our dcs at their unis and taking them out for meals and hearing their news
However Uni years are short and we still had our dcs at home during holidays
I'm so proud of all their achievements and of the young adults they have become...I've also rediscovered myself and am enjoying time to do things I want to do .
I feel extremely grateful that the dcs I once thought I'd never have are making the most of any opportunity they get

Mentounasc · 03/08/2019 12:16

I think it's ok to feel sad to yourself, as long as you are projecting a positive vibe to your dc. As said above, no guilt tripping.

What helped me:

  • patting myself on the back for a job well done in getting DC to this stage.
-telling myself leaving home to study was a natural and important progression in her life, and it was my job as a parent to facilitate that.
  • finding a new hobby to plug the gap. I took up sewing (set up a sewing station in the corner of her room, which means I can only sew when she's away!). We also started mentoring two young refugees.
  • digital media means you can have more contact with your dc than if they were nominally living with you but ensconced in their room. We made sure to leave the pace of things up to her and not hassle her for too much info. She always welcomed a photo of our beloved cat, so that was usually the best way of starting a convo.

We were in a rather unusual position that DD chose to go to a Uni abroad for her whole degree, and started straight after turning 18. it meant she needed a lot of emotional support from a distance at the start, and we were really proud of how she developed her independence in a different culture and language. It meant she didn't come home for a whole semester - 4/5 months at a time, but as an upside, we went to visit her a number of times (gorgeous location, and we only went over eg bank holiday weekends or at the end of term to help pack things up). In her third year she went to a different continent with a very foreign culture, and we're so proud of how she coped and turned it into 'her' place. Now she's just gone off again, traveling this time, and I have the usual inner jolt of 'my baby's gone again' but she would never know from the way I behave - and I have my sewing room back again.

It's about creating a system of long-distance glue that binds you both, without it being a burden for them.

Shimy · 03/08/2019 12:27

No dreading here. Anxious about results but very excited and very much looking forward to this new phase in DS’s life.

LynetteScavo · 03/08/2019 14:53

DS has just finished his first year, and this time last year was tough....September and October were really hard. I think it even affected me at work.

I'm incredibly proud of him; I didn't think he'd make it through high school, he dropped out if school shortly after starting A'levels, so he's done incredibly well. I'm very, very proud of him, and happy he chose a uni far from home because it was the best fit for him. But I also miss his presence in the house. DD also misses him very much. He's just a wonderful person to have around, and as much as I support him going as far and as wide as he wants to, I do selfishly miss him.

I'm pretty sure he has no idea I miss him at all Grin

Sunndowne · 03/08/2019 14:57

I didn't feel sad but worried for different reasons when my DC left 3 years apart. I wanted them to cope independently which they did and as I'd been a very hands on mum thought they may struggle to start with. They were fine and came/come home for the breaks for longer than you realise.

It's a next step - all mums feel something: jubilation , fear (me) or sadness and many more. Be kind to yourself OP, it is a significant change but usually for the better.

TonTonMacoute · 03/08/2019 15:11

Yes and no. I wasn't dreading it, as my DS boarded for 6 years, so I thought I was used to it, but I was still surprised at how emotional I felt on the morning he left. But I was fine the next day.

Once they are there, are settled in and have made new friends, you will be fine, and will enjoy the smaller food bills!

Bronzegate · 03/08/2019 15:52

I felt happy and excited for DS1, and thought I'd be fine. I actually found it harder than I was expecting to; I felt quite bereft for the first few days, and it was a couple of weeks before I adjusted. After that it was fine.

We tried phoning him once a week, but he said it made him feel homesick so we stopped that. Instead I sent a positive/light-hearted message every few days, and he found that more helpful. He wasn't great at being in touch, but would respond if I messaged via Snapchat.

I think I will find it harder when DS2 goes. He is more of a homebody and spends more time with us as a family than DS1 did at the same age. He is terrible at responding to messages or returning calls, so I expect we will hear nothing at all from him.

Bronzegate · 03/08/2019 15:54

She always welcomed a photo of our beloved cat, so that was usually the best way of starting a convo.

Yes, photos and updates about pets are often welcome.

SouthWestmom · 03/08/2019 16:24

Ole I'm with the unsad people. All I wanted for my kids was for them to grow up and be healthy and have their own lives.

One of them hasn't managed it and it's dreadful. I don't know where they will end up and we've been separated through them being sectioned for example at a very young age. So it would be weird for me to be anything other than thrilled for the others.

TapasForTwo · 03/08/2019 16:41

That sounds so stressful for you Noeuf. I hope you and your troubled DC manage to find a way through this.

I agree with LoafofSellotape about feeling apprehensive. DD does have some health issues and will need support. Also, she is worried that she will have forgotten how to study after having a gap year.

I mean this kindly OP, but I think that spending the summer sobbing sounds like that there is something else going on. Can you talk to someone in RL about it?

I see posts from heartbroken mothers spending the summer before university crying all the time on the WIWIKAU Facebook page. It isn't healthy or helpful for either party.

SouthWestmom · 03/08/2019 17:13

Thanks Tapas. I know not everyone is in the same boat and maybe if you do a lot of 'friend' type stuff with your dc it's different.

I had to leave that page it was ridiculous. And some of the identifying overstating was awful.

I don't think op is alone. In RL I know lots of parents who miss their kids a lot.

TapasForTwo · 03/08/2019 19:38

Oh, I will definitely miss DD. There's no doubt about it, but I'm not prostrate with grief about her going away.

I do a lot of stuff with her just now because she has no-one else to do things with.

BackforGood · 03/08/2019 21:39

Bit rude MothonmyComputer

I lifted your thread off unanswered threads and let you know that - although I didn't feel the same as you, this is an annual thread, so clearly there are others who do. No mention of one person being better than another Hmm

Thank you CamdenLoaf and AlwaysCrashinginTheSameCar1 for your support.

As you see, OP, from so many of the following posts, I am not unusual in my thinking.
I will have dc 3 leaving next year, and that will be weird, yes. No more dc at home, but I still do not anticipate being distraught at the thought she has grown up to be a young woman I can be proud of, and that she is ready to step out of the nest - albeit supported by us at a distance - at the time that is right for her.

ShanghaiDiva · 04/08/2019 04:42

Ds started last year and I found the thought of him leaving more upsetting than the reality of him not being home - not sure that makes any sense really!

Myfoolishboatisleaning · 04/08/2019 05:19

Sobbing all the time? Oh come on, of course everyone is a little sad when their children leave, but crying all the time? You sound self-centered and a little bit pathetic.

Shimy · 04/08/2019 08:05

Why does oh why does communicating on the internet encourage such cruel remarks in a way one wouldn’t in rl? OP’s ‘sobbing’ and ‘feeling dread’, I agree was quite extreme BUT no one knows her personal circumstances and background anymore than they know the personal circumstances of those of us saying we’re excited, though will miss our dc still.

Why does @Myfoolishboatisleaning
think it’s okay to call OP “self centred” and “pathetic?” That was totally uncalled for and downright nasty. OP is clearly feeling upset that’s why she started the thread, wether you agree with her reasons r not calling her awful names is hardly going to make things better. At least everybody else said something constructive. Let’s not use our keyboards to spread hate.

roisinagusniamh · 04/08/2019 08:11

I will miss not having my youngest around and will have the so called 'Empty nest'.
But I am far from dreading it.
Why are you sobbing OP ?
Seriously, you need to get a life for yourself.
Living through your children is not emotionally healthy for you or them.

TapasForTwo · 04/08/2019 08:12

Well said Shimy

Shimy · 04/08/2019 08:27

Thanks Tapas.

NotWavingButMNing · 04/08/2019 12:03

Backforgood is right this does crop up every year and the responses are always equally divided.

Posters who sneer at normal emotional responses are not helpful. The OP wasn't asking for advice from those who feel different to her she wanted to hear from others who felt the same.
It's MN bingo. Reminds me of when I asked for advice on which car to buy. The very first reply was " why do you need a car, you should walk or use public transport" Hmm

I am now out the other side but five years ago when my eldest was about to go I felt just like you. Outwardly smiling and excited for him but inwardly dreading it and feeling sorry for myself. MN is a place where you can discuss these things without anyone at home knowing.

In the end it was not as bad as I feared.
The number one thing that made it better was that he loved it, he was happy and thriving.
Gradually we adjusted to being three of us at home and then DS2 went and it was harder in some ways.
They come back. There are weekend visits home and long holidays.

roisinagusniamh · 04/08/2019 13:11

Offer support and understanding by all means but people need to analyse why they are dreading it.
It's not healthy to be dreading it. It may be causing unnecessary stress and responsibility on your offspring.
Life needs to be fulfilling without your child living at home.

ZandathePanda · 04/08/2019 13:45

What Noeuf said.

bengalcat · 04/08/2019 16:50

Nope . Can’t say I’ve really thought that much about it . As far as I can tell DD looking forward to it too but guess she can’t wait for results day so she can firm up where she’s going and her accommodation and hook up online with others . Terms are short and holidays are long . I loved Uni so am sure she will too - studying , new friends , learning to budget and use the washing machine etc .

roisinagusniamh · 04/08/2019 19:53

My mother was most certainly not crying when I left for uni. She couldn't wait to give my room to my little sister . And it was first come , first served when we arrived home for holidays and Christmas.
I would have thought she was completely deranged if she was crying after I left.