How to help miserable daughter with awful uni housemates

[TooCoolForScool]

My DD is 18 and started uni last month. She unfortunately didn’t make it into halls due to over subscription so we had a mad scramble finding her a house and four fellow student housemates

This we did by attending one of the uni’s find a housemate open day and it basically works by just wandering around and getting yourself into a group of 4/5/6 and then finding a house to rent as loads of you will no doubt know

She got together with four others, two boys and two girls and they all seemed to bond at first and get on well. All very friendly and chummy and lots of time chatting on the phone and she thought they were all best buddies etc etc despite me warning caution. They moved into the house and of course predictably problems have started

None of them have been away from home before and they’re being quite unpleasant to my DD. The girls are leaving her out of plans, openly bitching about her etc etc. I have her on the phone to me in tears at least three times a week. The biggest issue though is that two of them stay up until 3am every single night. Up and down the stairs, in and out of each other’s rooms and playing loud music. So my DD is existing on 4 hours sleep a night, this is literally every night. She’s asked them nicely not to but they don’t care.

I’ve spoken to her about resilience. I’ve talked at length with her about ignoring/ ear plugs/ being pleasant but keeping a distance/ not getting involved .. you name it, we’ve discussed it. I’ve sympathised and we’ve discussed alternative accommodation for next year but this doesn’t solve the issue now. She cannot come out of this tenancy really as A very expensive to do so and B students all sorted in houses now anyway so it’s. case of sticking it out but she’s getting more me more miserable

She’s enjoying her course so that’s something and she’s making friends on her course which I’m greatly encouraging her to do so and to keep them separate from her housemates which she’s trying to do.

So any advice for me? I know she’s technically an adult and I’m not some over bearing mother who wants to stem in and solve this myself. But it’s quite hard to stand by and I keep thinking there must be something I can suggest.

Its bloody miserable to be kept up until the early hours every single night as we all know and to be left out of parties and plans unless it suits them to invite her ...

Plus it drives me mad to have to listen to it all constantly 

Gandalf - absolutely. You don't just hoof them out and merrily close the door and congratulate yourself on a job done. It's not like that. As a parent you have no choice but to sort issues out when they leave home for uni. Any decent parent does surely?

It's great that some posters have 18 year olds that they just leave them to their own devices and think it's character building to let them sort out shit they've never encountered before

I unfortunately don't have one of those kids. She was ready for halls but she wasn't ready for a whole house with strangers and a rental agreement. So it's been a shock for her

If I had to live with bullies as an adult who kept me awake all the time it would affect my mental health and I'm an adult.

Oh that’s awful and I had a similar situation with selfish, noisy flat mates who woke me up in the small hours and deprived me of sleep.

The main problem was that the flat was small, overcrowded and my flat mates thought that getting drunk several times a week was funny and all part of being a wacky student.

Things got better when we moved to a bigger flat and the worst offender moved away.

I really recommend she finds alternative arrangements as I know how insufferable and lonely a situation like this Izzo

Please let us know how you get on op. I was lucky to get halls (20 ahem..) Years ago and was so happy. It is such a pity to have this going on. She is lucky to have such a great mum

It might be worth a chat with the letting agents and asking asking what happens if she needs to leave and someone else move in.Don't ask if she can- ask about the process and how she gets the deposit back and the end of your acting as guarantor. If you are her guarantor you should have a copy of the contract and their details, so have a good look at it . It might be worth mentioning that there are issues but be prepared for them to be dis-interested.
If her room is clean and tidy- suggest they do an inspection....
I agree about disengaging from the mess-cook, eat, wash up and put her stuff away.

You sound like a lovely mum. I would definitely help her to explore all her moving options and get her moved asap. It's such a special time of life and you never get it back - she should be enjoying herself.

It happens every time, halls or not. It happened with every single person I know who’s gone to uni. ‘The friends you meet at first will be your nemesis by the end’ - sister told me this in freshers and god she was right.
I was accused of assaulting a girl in my 4th week ... it later came to light and everyone saw it was a nasty lie.

I would speak to the uni and say how badly it is affecting her mental health and academic work. They will try to help.

Also I’m not going to lie ... no matter where she goes the mess will always be there. First years are gross.

Oh and I was used to people being noisy sometimes until 6 am ... sadly that’s normal in any student house.
The nastiness is what would worry me as the noise/mess will remain.

TooCool
Too right! They are not fully formed at 18 or even 21.

Sorry your DD is so unhappy Op.
Having had 2 DDs go through the first year, unfortunately halls would probably be just as messy and as noisy. DD2 stopped using their communal area due to how bad it was - think blood on the floor, tobacco, and nitrous oxide canisters all over.... and this was in university run halls. Now in a shared house in year 2, things are much better.
Your DD needs to find friends and interests outside the house and not depend on her housemates for friendship. Buy her a TV for her room (lots on eBay). she needs to arrange to study in the library preferably with course mates. You can buy vibrating alarms clocks that go under the pillow so she could then wear earplugs.
Provide her with extra funds so she can come home for weekends whenever she can. Try and arrange some visits to her too.
The year will soon pass.

I know you said you aren't going to contact the tutor, but just so you know, the majority of university tutors and staff will not talk with you about your child. It's confidential and only your child can discuss their situation with the staff. (Perhaps there are some who do, but just going on my experience at my university). However your daughter is lucky to have a parent so invested in her, many don't.

I really do think it is cruel and unfair of the university to not deal with accom. issues and send first years into private housing. That first year is a huge learning curve and your daughter has been thrown in at the deep end.
It might also help your daughter to dispel some of the myths around first year - its said to be the best year of your life and you make the best friends, but this is largely untrue. I've never felt more alone and vulnerable than my first month at university and that's quite common, especially with the pressure for it to be perfect. But it will get better, for your daughter and you. It just takes time, and a lot of cups of tea

I wonder if she is living in the student house a few doors down. The fuckers were screaming and shouting on Monday at 2am. I lay in bed thinking about garotting the lot of them as another neighbor hammered on their door.

* Why would it be bad for op to phone the tutor?*

Because the tutor is not allowed to discuss students with their parents without the student’s permission.

Because university students are adults.

Because, as difficult as it is for young people, they need to take ownership of their own issues, with appropriate support from their families.

Universities generally have very very good support services, and they can and do support students in the PRS. But the student needs to ask for help.

My daughter is in halls, and has awful flat mates too, I feel for you. Noise all hours, no sleep as one has all his drug taking Friends in. He’s stolen food, keeps her awake all night, and from early morning. Awful. She won’t make an official complaint, but has complained to him.
It’s a nightmare for parents, I’m not surprised so many people drop out, and a friend of mine did in her first year for this very reason, then went to another university after a year working elsewhere, met lovely people and had a great time. I wish my daughter could have shared with nicer people. She’s planning to for next year, and I hope they stick to this plan.

Gosh that sounds absolutely awful. I would absolutely hate to be in her situation and I'm resilient.

Is there anything she could do to make her room quieter? Or could she move rooms, maybe bribe one of the others? What about seeing if any of the other flat mates know of any friends who would like her room? Then it wouldn't be so expensive to move out?
Do the uni have a January intake? If so maybe the room could be relet - (She might lose some money).

Can you afford to bail her out completely? Have you looked at what's available now? There might be cheaper accommodation available.

Hope it improves for her.

Get her out ASAP. Life is too short to be miserable especially at that age and just starting uni which are meant to be some of the best years.

3 girls don’t work. Girls are generally bitches. One always gets left out. It won’t improve I’m sorry to say.

I should say, I’ve been giving her lots of advice on how to cope with these people, but it’s difficult from a distance. Both my daughters have been in halls, and shared flats where all of their fellow flatmates take drugs, and they don’t. So they don’t socialise with them, but need to try and find nice people on their course if they possibly can. I just want to say that although I was never I n halls in uni, my children haven’t found them easy, as the same type of people turn up everywhere. I hadn’t realised you have to pay quite a lot of money to join sports clubs, I thought they were free, but that’s one way to find new friends hopefully, as well as on her course.

Thanks for all the comments and ideas, they're really useful

A few things .. she has plenty of money to live on and yes, if absolutely necessary, I can bail her out completely. Not easily but it's perfectly possible.

Her house is on a residential leafy road and has been converted into five rooms, three upstairs and two down. Lovely garden with a gardener etc. The house inside is alright, not homely as to make rooms downstairs, the living room had to go so there is no communal area at all bar the kitchen. This is what led to them in and out of each other's rooms with no boundaries properly in place.

I'm going to speak to student services and the letting agency myself I've decided. Not with a view to anything in particular but just so I have a clear understanding of what's what and what can and can't be done should it come to it. I won't be giving her name and I don't want personal info - although I know it all anyway! I just want to be clear for myself on what they do in situations like this should it become intolerable

The hope would be that it settled down and that these noisy gits buckle down and maybe do a spot of work and some sleeping at 2am goi forward. I understand that apparently the first year is for pissing around BUT it seems so stupid to me when it costs such a lot for them to be there

Three girls doesn't work, no. So for next year we look at a more even split. Two boys and two girls seems more like it to me.

Try getting help from student welfare ... as soon as I mentioned mental health they moved mountains to get him into the halls he wanted. No-one should have to live like this.

She could move out into halls. All This drama and she hasn't checked if there is room in halls. That would be my first port of call.

I have two DS at uni and both were very lucky in their halls. Mixed sexes in flats of six.
It's such a huge change for them going from home with all your support on hand to living independently. I'd have been hard pushed not to fetch DS home in the circumstances you describe but I also think you are dealing with it very well.
Good luck with the landlord. When I moved DS2 into his second year house I met the landlord who was lovely. He shares with two other boys and two girls. I actually think mixed is better than single sex houses.

Get herto go to the University Accommodations office and ask if there is a space in a Hall of Residence. Some students may well have dropped out by now so a place may be available. If you do not ask, you do not get. There is always someone in the wrong accommidation that doe snot suit their personality and the University should help if there is a place available. (I bet there will be in the next few weeks). Try for a university run hall, not a private one as they tend to be more expensive. It is your DD who should do this though because the contract is with her, not you. She needs to take responsiblity but with your backing and advice.

For the future- my boys have only had shared houses where there is at least one shared reception room, and they did/do socialise . DS2 did a recently flying vist home and took the scrabble set and a draughts/chess set for the odd downtime session. Not saying they are not wine or beer aided but they do seem to be able to relax together.
Bit suprised about the girl thing, in 2nd year, DS1 was in a house with 3 girls (and 4 boys) and they were lovely.