How to help miserable daughter with awful uni housemates

[TooCoolForScool]

My DD is 18 and started uni last month. She unfortunately didn’t make it into halls due to over subscription so we had a mad scramble finding her a house and four fellow student housemates

This we did by attending one of the uni’s find a housemate open day and it basically works by just wandering around and getting yourself into a group of 4/5/6 and then finding a house to rent as loads of you will no doubt know

She got together with four others, two boys and two girls and they all seemed to bond at first and get on well. All very friendly and chummy and lots of time chatting on the phone and she thought they were all best buddies etc etc despite me warning caution. They moved into the house and of course predictably problems have started

None of them have been away from home before and they’re being quite unpleasant to my DD. The girls are leaving her out of plans, openly bitching about her etc etc. I have her on the phone to me in tears at least three times a week. The biggest issue though is that two of them stay up until 3am every single night. Up and down the stairs, in and out of each other’s rooms and playing loud music. So my DD is existing on 4 hours sleep a night, this is literally every night. She’s asked them nicely not to but they don’t care.

I’ve spoken to her about resilience. I’ve talked at length with her about ignoring/ ear plugs/ being pleasant but keeping a distance/ not getting involved .. you name it, we’ve discussed it. I’ve sympathised and we’ve discussed alternative accommodation for next year but this doesn’t solve the issue now. She cannot come out of this tenancy really as A very expensive to do so and B students all sorted in houses now anyway so it’s. case of sticking it out but she’s getting more me more miserable

She’s enjoying her course so that’s something and she’s making friends on her course which I’m greatly encouraging her to do so and to keep them separate from her housemates which she’s trying to do.

So any advice for me? I know she’s technically an adult and I’m not some over bearing mother who wants to stem in and solve this myself. But it’s quite hard to stand by and I keep thinking there must be something I can suggest.

Its bloody miserable to be kept up until the early hours every single night as we all know and to be left out of parties and plans unless it suits them to invite her ...

Plus it drives me mad to have to listen to it all constantly 

[GetAHaircutCarl]

Also some rooms are much worse than others in halls.

If you find yourself next to communal doors or kitchens it will be far more noisy than a room at the end of say a corridor.

[BubblesBuddy]

As an example, if you choose the new hall of residence near the centre of Bristol, you have chosen it to be close to the clubs not the university. The Stoke Bishop ones are further out and tend to have different students in them who won’t be out every night of the week due to lack of transport back to the Hall. There are noisy and quiet students but they tend to swap halls/rooms if it gets too much.

From what I gather from DDs, examples of quieter places would be UEA, Lancaster, Bath, Aberystwyth, Warwick, Surrey, Cumbria and small town universities where not much happens. However it will not stop students partying in the rooms and houses, especially now they are free from rules and parents. They feel free to do what they want and being separated from the mass of students by being in a house with no hall activities or warden is exacerbating this.

Who you have to share with is down to luck but going somewhere green and quiet lessens the problem, I think, because students have chosen the location because it is green and quiet!

When you get into second year there are “party houses” where the LL keeps them minimally “maintained” and the students pay less and have parties. Wallpaper coming off, scruffy furniture etc. Obviously you know your tribe by then and avoid these students and the houses.

I would be surprised if this activity carried on for much longer. Being in a Hall has the advantage of numbers so she could get away from them. They may be too hung over to do any work so one assumes they must quieten down at some point.

In the meantime it’s either badger for a Hall place or sleep when she gets back from uni. I guess she’s not there all day and every day.

[Daisymay2]

@TooCoolForScool How's things ? Has the situation improved at all?

[ssd]

yes, I was wondering too.

[FANTINE2]

Hi OP,
I really do sympathise with your daughter's plight. I had a similar situation a few years ago. My D lived in a house with students who regularly took a range of drugs, from weed to cocaine.
Unfortunately one of them became very unpleasant, and had a real problem with my D using the central heating in the middle of winter.
I was out of my mind, but as others have said it is actually difficult for us as parents to help. The unis will not speak to us as parents.
I can only encourage her to try to find friends elsewhere. Is she sporty? This can sometimes help. Failing this get out of the house, although it is a real pain financially.
Please don't take any notice of some unpleasant people on here. I was rounded on when I talked about the drugs issue.
Your daughter deserves to live in a comfortable environment, and I don't blame you for trying to make that happen.

[FreedaDonkey]

Oh what a bunch of wankers. I agree with those saying move her if at all possible.

If she is looking for a room swap, by all means come over to our uni Facebook group. You never know there might be someone on there who wants a swap too.

https://m.facebook.com/groups/488235648182391

(What I wish I knew about uni) It’s for all uni questions, not just accommodation