How to help miserable daughter with awful uni housemates

[TooCoolForScool]

My DD is 18 and started uni last month. She unfortunately didn’t make it into halls due to over subscription so we had a mad scramble finding her a house and four fellow student housemates

This we did by attending one of the uni’s find a housemate open day and it basically works by just wandering around and getting yourself into a group of 4/5/6 and then finding a house to rent as loads of you will no doubt know

She got together with four others, two boys and two girls and they all seemed to bond at first and get on well. All very friendly and chummy and lots of time chatting on the phone and she thought they were all best buddies etc etc despite me warning caution. They moved into the house and of course predictably problems have started

None of them have been away from home before and they’re being quite unpleasant to my DD. The girls are leaving her out of plans, openly bitching about her etc etc. I have her on the phone to me in tears at least three times a week. The biggest issue though is that two of them stay up until 3am every single night. Up and down the stairs, in and out of each other’s rooms and playing loud music. So my DD is existing on 4 hours sleep a night, this is literally every night. She’s asked them nicely not to but they don’t care.

I’ve spoken to her about resilience. I’ve talked at length with her about ignoring/ ear plugs/ being pleasant but keeping a distance/ not getting involved .. you name it, we’ve discussed it. I’ve sympathised and we’ve discussed alternative accommodation for next year but this doesn’t solve the issue now. She cannot come out of this tenancy really as A very expensive to do so and B students all sorted in houses now anyway so it’s. case of sticking it out but she’s getting more me more miserable

She’s enjoying her course so that’s something and she’s making friends on her course which I’m greatly encouraging her to do so and to keep them separate from her housemates which she’s trying to do.

So any advice for me? I know she’s technically an adult and I’m not some over bearing mother who wants to stem in and solve this myself. But it’s quite hard to stand by and I keep thinking there must be something I can suggest.

Its bloody miserable to be kept up until the early hours every single night as we all know and to be left out of parties and plans unless it suits them to invite her ...

Plus it drives me mad to have to listen to it all constantly 

[Blogwoman]

Huge sympathies to your DD - mine is a fresher at Sussex & we heard about the mad scramble for accommodation over the road at Brighton. My DD also has a noisy neighbour & is the only one of the 6 who cleans up, education bothers her, but nothing near this horrible situation for your DD. I’d second trying to find an alternative & I see someone has mentioned private halls. Also, a friend’s DS has just started at BIMM in Brighton & they all have to sort private accommodation- he is renting a one room flat on his own & very happy with it. She might be much better off. But do keep talking to student services - the fact that she’s being bullied might encourage them to do something for her.

[Blogwoman]

Don’t know why that says ‘education bothers her’ - should say ‘which bothers her’!

[tallstork]

she’s at Brighton I thought it might be Brighton. Tremendous pressure on accommodation there.

Student Services are good there in general IME. I don't know what the accomodation people are like but she should explain that she's being bullied. The won't listen if she just doesn't like it but maybe something can be done if she's being bullied.

The best thing to do is to speak to her Student Support and Guidance Tutor. They can help her access support within the uni. She'll need to go to the right one for her school, I'll post a link in a minute

It might also be worth speaking to her academic tutor, although they will probably point her in the direction of student services, but if they're good at pastoral care stuff it might help to have a chat with them anyway.

[tallstork]

Here it is - click on her school and you'll find contact details for her Student Support and Guidance Tutor.

She should contact them ans explain it's more than just that she doesn't like it.

www.brighton.ac.uk/current-students/my-student-life/student-support-and-guidance-tutors/index.aspx

[tallstork]

No idea if they can help sort the accommodation but they might be able to help her manage it better.

[pericat]

I found myself in a similar situation when I was a student (many years ago!)

My parents helped me move out by contributing some money to the rent for the rest of the term to make the rent cheaper and more attractive. Someone else snapped it up while I moved into uni accommodation for the term and was much happier.

This solution did have a cost but it was a lot less less than keeping the room in the rented house empty for the term.

[tallstork]

I assume not people being noisy twats until 3 am most nights? They’re making smoothies at 1am in a loud blender, slamming the fire door to the kitchen at midnight, music, shouting up and down to each other.. mainly two of them

That's exactly what I was like at 18 tbh. Difference was, I was living with likeminded people so "only" annoying the neighbours. I was a twat back then tbh and dropped out of uni.

That's a point actually, there's a huge drop out rate in the first year. These two might not make it past the first semester if she's lucky!

[TooCoolForScool]

Loads of good ideas and I think I may copy this thread to her at some point maybe. Thank you

I think she's worried about repercussions. It's a weird vibe in this house.. individually, they're fine with her. Together it's a pack thing. One boy keeps well out of it I have to say. Keeps himself to himself

It's almost the wrong fit.. three girls and two boys. So the two girls have now palled up together and enjoy leaving my DD out. There's some party at the weekend and one of the boys is invited and was told he could have plus ones. So he's got plus ones for the whole house bar my daughter



It sounds so ludicrous written down and so petty. But I'm aware that these things can lead to depression and feeling miserable at a time when she should be relatively happy and enjoying life.

She even came back for the weekend just gone for some peace. And it's a 3.5 hour one way trip from here on the trains and buses

[tallstork]

I think she's worried about repercussions

Brighton is a big enough uni and they're not on her course. They'll likely not even have breaks at the same time at uni. Once she's out of there she'll be able to avoid them pretty easily I would imagine .

[ssd]

if this was my son I'd have moved him by know, christ knows how I'm on min wage but I'd take a loan and move him rather than him living there

[tallstork]

Also - has she joined any of the societies / clubs or suggested going out and about in town with her course mates?

It would help if she coudl get some friends independent of this lot so she doesn't care if they don't invite her to their crappy parties. (I appreciate it's early days, term has only just stared really)

[Callamia]

I hope she can find a way to move out, because it sounds horrible.

I guess she's contracted in though? So I see that it's probably expensive to leave.

I would advise her to talk to her personal tutor too. She may not need it, but it's good to have someone in her department who is aware that she's having a hard time - even if there's nothing direct that they can do.

I would also advise talking to the Student Union. Ours have been helpful to students of mine who are having a difficult time in their accommodation, and will have years of experience of these kind of troubles.

[TooCoolForScool]

Yes she's joined lots of clubs and is socialising with her course friends once or twice a week at least so that's something

SSD - money isn't a deal breaker although we are not rich! I can't mode her without her saying that yep, she's had enough. And she's not there yet. I have told her that it can be sorted, that there's always a choice (she told me earlier she had no choice but to live there) and that we see how it goes and she keeps me in the loop

I feel after a month it should be settling down now. One person is doing architecture and one law so I'd like to think these were degrees that involved some level of work? And that that work will put an end to early hours of the morning noise. The one doing law skives off lectures though so who knows

[Trippy4]

Really feel for your daughter . We have been through similar noise issues with our DC at Sussex and endured the housing scramble for a DC. at Brighton .Unfortunately private halls in Brighton are unlikely to be affordable for most at £260 a week . I would try the student services approach particularly with the bullying and stress it is causing . Some letting agencies keep lists of spaces in houses which may be worth a try if nothing comes up in halls .Is a room swap within the house possible so she is further away from these two ?

[TooCoolForScool]

Yes she's contracted in and it would be hugely expensive to break that

However if that's what needs to happen then it will happen

[Mumof56]

What's the crack with her sending you pictures of the mess in the house and you intervening by phone? And her crying 3 times a week on the phone to you about them...

The girls don't have to make plans with her, they're her housemates not her friends.

Has she got the earplugs so she can sleep?

[tallstork]

I would also advise talking to the Student Union

Hmmm. My experience at Brighton is Student Services tend to be a lot more helpful than the SU at this kind of thing. (But I'm talking a few years back so the SU may have improved).

The SU are good if you want a job / to go out / to get invovled with societies. I didn't find them at all good at the advocacy stuff or practical issues, but as I say that was a different bunch, maybe they're better now. Can't hurt to meet more people if you're feeling left out / isolated though I suppose.

[TooCoolForScool]

Private halls at £260 a week is expensive. She currently has to pay £150 a week including bills. However it's not an impossibility, but it'd be a last resort

And anyway it comes down to her and what she feels she can do. This is where our resilience chats have come in. She definitely needs to arm herself with facts like so many of you have posted

[tallstork]

Yes she's contracted in and it would be hugely expensive to break that

It depends what the agreement with the landlord is.

It may be that the LL will be happy for her to break the contract if she has another student lined up to take her place, some of them will do that.

Or, there may be a 6 month break clause. Has she looked at her lease?

[ssd]

toocool, I wouldnt be waiting till she told me she had had enough, this sounds bloody hellish, she might feel shes letting you down.

[Elend]

I had this too. Sadly my housemates were my previous best friends since year 8 at school. I ended up dropping out as it was so stressful. Haven't got any further advice to give that hasn't been given but really hope your daughter gets sorted asap

[ssd]

theres resilience chats and theres feeling desperate to move but dont want mum to think you're a quitter

[TooCoolForScool]

Mum56 - helpful contribution. Not sure what you mean? What's the crack? She's my daughter so probably something to do with that. I'm not one of those parents who just wash my hands of them when they turn 18. I'm here to guide and help and do what I can after writing everything up.

You probably don't identify with that

I've suggested ear plugs. She's worried she will sleep through her alarm and miss a lecture

[TooCoolForScool]

SSD - o trust me .. she doesn't hide much from me so she wouldn't have any qualms in telling me she wanted out. None at all

[tallstork]

One person is doing architecture and one law ha! Can I run a book on at leats one of them leaving before the end of the year?!

A lot of students go to uni because it's what's expected of them, not because they want to, and party all the first year. Some make it through last minute (you only have to pass the first year, the marks don't count to the final award) and then they pull their socks up in the second year. Lots flunk.