How to help miserable daughter with awful uni housemates

[TooCoolForScool]

My DD is 18 and started uni last month. She unfortunately didn’t make it into halls due to over subscription so we had a mad scramble finding her a house and four fellow student housemates

This we did by attending one of the uni’s find a housemate open day and it basically works by just wandering around and getting yourself into a group of 4/5/6 and then finding a house to rent as loads of you will no doubt know

She got together with four others, two boys and two girls and they all seemed to bond at first and get on well. All very friendly and chummy and lots of time chatting on the phone and she thought they were all best buddies etc etc despite me warning caution. They moved into the house and of course predictably problems have started

None of them have been away from home before and they’re being quite unpleasant to my DD. The girls are leaving her out of plans, openly bitching about her etc etc. I have her on the phone to me in tears at least three times a week. The biggest issue though is that two of them stay up until 3am every single night. Up and down the stairs, in and out of each other’s rooms and playing loud music. So my DD is existing on 4 hours sleep a night, this is literally every night. She’s asked them nicely not to but they don’t care.

I’ve spoken to her about resilience. I’ve talked at length with her about ignoring/ ear plugs/ being pleasant but keeping a distance/ not getting involved .. you name it, we’ve discussed it. I’ve sympathised and we’ve discussed alternative accommodation for next year but this doesn’t solve the issue now. She cannot come out of this tenancy really as A very expensive to do so and B students all sorted in houses now anyway so it’s. case of sticking it out but she’s getting more me more miserable

She’s enjoying her course so that’s something and she’s making friends on her course which I’m greatly encouraging her to do so and to keep them separate from her housemates which she’s trying to do.

So any advice for me? I know she’s technically an adult and I’m not some over bearing mother who wants to stem in and solve this myself. But it’s quite hard to stand by and I keep thinking there must be something I can suggest.

Its bloody miserable to be kept up until the early hours every single night as we all know and to be left out of parties and plans unless it suits them to invite her ...

Plus it drives me mad to have to listen to it all constantly 

[2014newme]

The good news is waiting lists will start to movelots 9f students don't make it past the first half term.
Hope she gets somewhere else soon poor girl, and that she has nicer flatmates

[Cloudyapples]

When the other two girls fall out they’ll soon be trying to be her friend again. For now joughbthings to look out for in tenancy agreement (may only happen in halls so not 100% this will be in a house agreement) things like curfews for noise, maintaining the property etc c

[CatAfterCat]

It's true she's not the only one to be unlucky with housemates, but she is unlucky. Lots of students don't have any problems with the random bunch they end up with though usually that's in halls. In a private house share it's harder, because in halls if you don't bond with your own flat there is always next door or above or below.
DS had one in his hall last year that was anti social (smoking, bringing friends back at all hours and stealing food). They complained to the accommodation people and he was eventually asked to leave.

I wonder whether she feels that by asking the uni or landlord for help she has somehow failed the test of independence? You seem to be saying all the right things though OP


Ignore the posters who are unhelpful. You posted in the right place to get first hand opinions from other parents of uni students. Sometimes these threads go into "active". The you get the comments from the crowd who think 18 year olds should be thrown out and left to their own devices. Often these are people who have younger children who think they can predict how their children will be as teens; or people who have not got children at all but feel they can contribute because they used to be a teen, or people whose own parents were not supportive and they resent others who apparently have more caring parents.

[slithytove]

Earplugs, vibrating alarm to wear on wrist, and get her out of there. At least give notice to landlord.
Shit like this had me dropping out for a year with anxiety and depression. It's unbearable.

[Needmoresleep]

OP I sympathise. DD is quite resilient but she did not find the first few weeks of University easy. Everything is new and there is so much to take in and get on top of. I think it would be unusual not to struggle a bit.

However DD took a gap year so we have been through this before. She worked as a chalet girl which was pretty tough, and she downloaded on us a lot initially. Then suddenly she announced she and her friends had decided they would get through the season by supporting each other, and the calls stopped.

We are glad though that she felt able to use us initially until she had built her own support network. She ended up having a ball.

We did not get any distressed calls when she was working at an American summer camp. She loved it from day one and made some very good friends. However we did get some when she started University.

Mainly about no sleep. She calculated she only got 12 hours sleep in her second or third week. I think most of us would struggle with that, a new place without established friends, being ill, and having a heavy lecture schedule with compulsory attendance. It is inhumane.

I have no idea why some kids are at University. It is very expensive if you don't plan to work towards a good degree.

DD was lucky in that she was a year older, had already coped living and working away from home, and so felt no need to try to make new friends immediately. She also met people through sport that she clicked with.

There were a couple of dodgy moments including a nasty text accusing DD of something she had not done, sent by someone sitting with the other flatmates and so, presumably, discussed with them. DD did not respond but sorted the problem. Interestingly DD now seems to be spending more time with her flatmates, and she seems happy. Hopefully others have realised that she is not easy to manipulate, with no great desire to join the in-crowd, but also can be trusted to be straighforward. I suspect some of the silly behaviour comes from insecurity.

Certainly some of the early cool crowd who have failed to make any impact in terms of attending lectures or trying other activities are beginning to look a bit shallow and sad. Clubbing is fine once in a while, but not great if that is all you do.

I would:

1. Continue to support your daughter but focus as much as you can on constructive action, rather than moaning.
   

1. Look at alternatives. Is there scope for a swap or transfer. Is the landlord or some form of student services ready to read them all the riot act. Etc. Remember universities will not want to lose good students.
   

1. Stay out of the social toxic soup as much as she can. Go in early, study in the library, see friends from her course or go to societies. Yes she should not be required to simply use her accommodation for sleeping, but if she does this for a couple of weeks, she may well find that without her being available to bully, the others will start upon each other.
   

1. Buy ear plugs and gain a level of acceptance. DD says most of her flat mates only have major nights out once a week. However they all pick different nights, and none are quiet when they return.

[TooCoolForScool]

Need - that’s really helpful thank you

[TooCoolForScool]

Cat - yes I posted here because I wanted specifically to hear from posters who had a vested interest in uni matters, whether that’s having gone themselves or having kids who are there now and I’m really grateful that people have given such great and informative advice

[MadisonMontgomery]

Just to say I am a really light sleeper so wear earplugs - I have the alarm on my phone on vibrate and put it on the bed so I feel it rather than just hearing it. Never slept through yet! I know the issues are much bigger than just lack of sleep, but she may feel better able to deal with it all if she isn’t tired and run down.

[LittleHo]

We had this situation with one dd and advertised her room on one of the online websites. We managed to get a new tenant to take over the lease.

Best thing we ever did as she moved in with a lovely group and is really happy.

[MissConductUS]

And I'd not prepared her for this really. Because I stupidly assumed she'd get halls

I'm glad I saw this. DS is currently applying to uni. Some of them guarantee housing to students and some don't, so we will certainly take that into consideration.

Do look at the contract. In the US tenancy law assumes the tenant is entitled to the "quiet enjoyment" of the premises. It might be worth a call to a local solicitor about the possibility of getting her out of the lease.

[ssd]

Put it like this, any noise made in my house after about 11pm gets extremely short shrift so I missed a trick there in preparing her for noise all night long

who the bloody hell could put up with this? at the very least it'll damage her self confidence at the worst she might drop out (I know I would)

whats your next step, op?

[Ceebs85]

I'm not sure if this has already been suggested or not but in uni towns its common for landlords to own lots of cheap properties...is it possible to see if they have an empty room in another house?

You sound like such a lovely mum and it must be so hard for you as well as her. I too would encourage her to report the bullying to uni x

[elisaveta]

OP I am a lecturer at a RG university, and I would want to know if one of my personal tutees was having difficulties like this. We meet our tutees in the first week of term, precisely to tell them that they should feel free to get in touch with us if there is anything going on that they are finding difficult to handle and/ or that might have an impact on their academic progress. I have also dealt very happily with parents - it's quite true that I have to have permission from the student beforehand to discuss their issues with their parent, but in some cases they need that and it can be much, much more effective to work with both student and parent together. If a student isn't happy about parental involvement then that's that, and we won't talk with the parents, but it sounds as if your daughter wouldn't have those difficulties. It is absolute nonsense to suggest that all 18 year olds should be able to cope with situations like this - some of them just can't. They are already away from home for the first time in many cases, and finding their feet in a new environment. To be bullied in their own rooms and home on top of that would be really hard. Her personal tutor may well not be able to solve the problem, but will have suggestions for where she should turn. Just talking might help, especially if your daughter explains that it is making it difficult for her to sleep and then to work as well. Poor girl - it sounds really rough. I hope you can get it sorted xx

[BubblesBuddy]

First of all, do keep talking to the accommodations office. You say you asked in September. It’s now the end of October. Keep hassling them if need be and get the personal tutor on side.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but this is Brighton!!! It’s party town/University on the South coast. My DD wanted it for that reason! She didn’t go but went to London instead. All you can do is hope they all settle down if she has to stay and keep
Asking for a place in a hall. Not that this will necessarily prevent anything. What is the situation if she gives up the flat? What does the lease say about leaving?

I really sympathise but you can do little about other people. They have to calm down themselves. They might get tired of partying all night and run out of money for vodka. Or leave!

[Needmoresleep]

Bubbles your daughter's may be different, but I think it is perfectly reasonable for students to want to go to University to study. There seems to an assumption by some MNetters that kids who are not wildly social are somehow sad or lacking. It is not true and Universities ought to support those who choose not to follow the herd.

[oklookingahead]

"Mainly about no sleep. She calculated she only got 12 hours sleep in her second or third week."

Is that because of other noisy residents in hall needmoresleep (a fitting name for this thread!)? If its univ accommodation do they have any notional 'rules' about noise on corridors, or is it all flats now, where the students are effectively all self-governing?

Many sympathies to you and your dd op. If it gets too bad, could she advertise for a place in a quieter house - sounds as if quite a few people drop out, so rooms may become available? I realise that may mean having to pay twice - unless someone is actively looking for noisier housemates and wants to move in.

I must say the thread is making me start to wonder about dc going to university (dc not the club/nightlife type)! £9k plus maintenance a year to be kept awake with no recourse to any way of getting the noise stopped, does not sound good value! Not totally serious obviously - but getting a bit alarmed.

[Mysharonawoana]

Sorry that I haven’t read everything but I felt I had to chip in as I am currently working at another institution in a student welfare role, have done for several years. I have experience of this myself and of helping students through it, it’s truly horrible but there are one or two positives she can take from the situation.

1.) make friends on her course and establish a group, agree to live together next year. Get that group established early then when it’s time then the House hunt for second year will be less fraught.

2.) seek help from the student services but also tell her to pop into the union, they are a great bunch in there and she can chat to more experienced students who have been there, and may have other practical suggestions.

3.) the closer she becomes to people outside of the house, the better she will find it, and she may be able to arrange some rest from it all by staying with other friends one night a week.

4.) joining clubs and socs, meeting as many different people as possible will lead to her going on nights out with people outside of the house, her existing housemates will probably become bored of bitching about her because they see her out having fun without them.

5.) she will grow significantly during this year and will feel much stronger going into second year. I honestly think that tense housing situations can resolve themselves when students become bored, and realise there is more stuff to be getting on with. First proper deadlines may also make them stop and think.

Good luck to your DD and you

[furcoatandnoknickers]

Ahh poor girl..and I feel for you too, its so tricky to find the line to tread.
Is she brave enough to speak to the other flatmates and say - this is clearly not working, I think we have a clash of personalities/want diff. things from Uni life etc. have you met anyone that you know, who you would prefer to share with, so they can take over my part of lease? Should we all start looking? (landlords wouldn't mind, although there would be a cost to re-issue new agreements). Then she is free to look else-where.
Jeff. tell Uni rental officer/ get on lists etc.
I am a landlord and one of my properties is a student rental, so I have experienced this from both sides (parent and LL) - have you looked at her shared tenancy agreement? The parents are usually guarantors and so you have their address, email and telephone numbers...(I know some people will be shouting NOOOOOO) but somehow, even just having this info feels like power to do something, WHICH I KNOW NO ONE WOULD but in extremis, you could call them up and tell them what little shits their kids are...I AM NOT SAYING DO THIS...JUST SAYING ITS A GOOD FEELING..

[FurryDogMother]

Might be worth having a look here - or here I see student accommodation from around £140 a week upwards. I'm in Brighton (well Hove actually) - am in my 50s, but have friends who are students at Brighton so I could ask if they have any ideas?

[Needmoresleep]

Oh looking, kids in University halls/flats can be fined though it seems as if Universities take a longer view and hope that it all dies down within a few weeks. Unfortunately three weeks is a long time if you are young, looking forward to independence and then are exhausted, lonely and possibly ill. This year part of the problem was warm dry weather which had people gathering outside. Poor Ops daughter is in private accommodation, so no controls.

I don't think it helps to suggest that some Universities are party universities and effectively is a kids fault if they don't fit in. It is not uncommon to see advice that kids should avoid, say, London because the social life is dire, yet our experience is that it can be perfect for those who are fully engaged in their subject and who have gone to University to study and meet like minded people.

My DD is fine. However I am glad that she was willing to share initial problems with me. Although I understand the frustration, I think the Op might take care not to label the other flatmates as awful. Some might be but others might be insecure, immature and trying over-hard to fit in. Sharona's advice is good. And who knows, if you manage to avoid direct conflict, they might end up friends.

But I still don't agree that University has to be about clubbing/parties, and feel it is unfair, especially for (high paying) overseas students who are continents away from their parents.

[Kez100]

Even halls flats can be noisy. My DDs was. She put up with it but the civilian neighbours didn't. Despite being told off by the Uni (Inc my daughter because shed not complained) they still did it just less often as they'd run out of money anyway. Eventually time just runs out and they all move..... Presumably for the poor local residents, the circle starts with a new lot.

Not saying they should put up with it but it seems to be pretty rife.

[BubblesBuddy]

I think most students work out that some universities are more party central than others. I am not saying that others are not there to study! I think it’s a bit rich saying mine didn’t want to study! Really?

However some students choose Brighton (and Newcastle) for the party/clubbing opportunities. Others choose Bangor and Falmouth for a quieter life.

When they get it out of their system they will probably study and calm down. The only obvious way out is to leave the flat and find somewhere else if things don’t improve. The idea that everywhere else will be quiet and studious is also wishful thinking. She may get lucky though.

[WazFlimFlam]

If there really is no other way out, could she defer her entry for a year. I know it sounds dramatic but my own similar experienced meant that uni was a bit ruined socially for me. It took until my final year to sort myself out and 'find my people'.

The sleep depravation drive me half mad and I think contributed to a minor breakdown in my first year as I just couldn't cope rationally with the situation as I was just too exhausted.

This led to rubbish social groups and more bullying in other years. I know it sounds harsh but I would just get out.

[oklookingahead]

Bubbles, in addition to Bangor and Falmouth which are the univs with a reputation for being less 'party central'? It's the kind of info some students don't pick up, and would be really useful - only as a starting point, obviously! Course etc also matters.
Of course I realise the 'partying' universities also have quieter students...

[oklookingahead]

I think if it's so bad that dd would consider deferring a year (and sleep deprivation sounds pretty bad to me!) it might almost be worth just paying the extra to move out. Anywhere! As dd will have to pay for the tenancy of this house anyway, unless she can get someone to take her place, she's financially no worse off doing that than deferring, is she?

Op, an off beam suggestion. Would your dd be happier living as a lodger with a family? Don't know if that sort of thing may be advertised in Brighton, but she could try going on gum tree etc to see if anyone's looking? Not the 'classic' student experience but if accommodation's in very short supply there it might be a quieter environment but still with some company. Or, just rent a room in a house but not necessarily with students - I'd imagine there are lots of young graduates renting there?