How to help miserable daughter with awful uni housemates

[TooCoolForScool]

My DD is 18 and started uni last month. She unfortunately didn’t make it into halls due to over subscription so we had a mad scramble finding her a house and four fellow student housemates

This we did by attending one of the uni’s find a housemate open day and it basically works by just wandering around and getting yourself into a group of 4/5/6 and then finding a house to rent as loads of you will no doubt know

She got together with four others, two boys and two girls and they all seemed to bond at first and get on well. All very friendly and chummy and lots of time chatting on the phone and she thought they were all best buddies etc etc despite me warning caution. They moved into the house and of course predictably problems have started

None of them have been away from home before and they’re being quite unpleasant to my DD. The girls are leaving her out of plans, openly bitching about her etc etc. I have her on the phone to me in tears at least three times a week. The biggest issue though is that two of them stay up until 3am every single night. Up and down the stairs, in and out of each other’s rooms and playing loud music. So my DD is existing on 4 hours sleep a night, this is literally every night. She’s asked them nicely not to but they don’t care.

I’ve spoken to her about resilience. I’ve talked at length with her about ignoring/ ear plugs/ being pleasant but keeping a distance/ not getting involved .. you name it, we’ve discussed it. I’ve sympathised and we’ve discussed alternative accommodation for next year but this doesn’t solve the issue now. She cannot come out of this tenancy really as A very expensive to do so and B students all sorted in houses now anyway so it’s. case of sticking it out but she’s getting more me more miserable

She’s enjoying her course so that’s something and she’s making friends on her course which I’m greatly encouraging her to do so and to keep them separate from her housemates which she’s trying to do.

So any advice for me? I know she’s technically an adult and I’m not some over bearing mother who wants to stem in and solve this myself. But it’s quite hard to stand by and I keep thinking there must be something I can suggest.

Its bloody miserable to be kept up until the early hours every single night as we all know and to be left out of parties and plans unless it suits them to invite her ...

Plus it drives me mad to have to listen to it all constantly 

[bluerememberedhills0]

This is so awful, hugs for your daughter! I'm sorry she's going through this. Is she close enough to come home on the weekends?

I know this doesn't help now but could she look into signing on a house with her coursemates for next year? It's great that she's got some friends she can escape the house with for a while.

[TooCoolForScool]

She's too far to come home at weekends really but she can certainly come back a little more often as she doesn't have lectures on a Friday so would be able to make a long weekend of it. It's 3 3/4 on several trains for her. I will only do the journey by car when it's quite a big holiday coming up such as Christmas or summer. Otherwise she'd have me popping up and down to collect all the time and that's not happening

The answer probably doesn't lie in her coming home though. She DOES need to crack on a little bit as this is a learning curve for her and a life lesson but at the same time, she's not staying in an intolerable situation either so we will get armed with all the info on what can and can't happen, she is going to build more time in with her course mates with a view to speaking with them about a potential move for year 2, and we will see what the halls situation is right now.

Part of me thinks that it just isn't right for these kids to be living alone like this because it clearly is too much for some of them. I know they're adults but not many 18 and 19 year olds are adult enough to adapt to this change sensibly are they?

Put it like this, any noise made in my house after about 11pm gets extremely short shrift so I missed a trick there in preparing her for noise all night long

[ItMustBeBedtimeSurely]

Honestly, you sound massively over-involved.

18yos are annoying, they make stupid decisions and mistakes. It's part of growing up. I'm not saying abandon her entirely but it's not good or helpful that she's constantly ringing you. She needs to learn to deal with it. Late nights and noise are crappy but entirely normal.

I don't remember anyone at uni being in contact with their parents like this. Can't believe people are suggesting you talk to her tutor! Massively overstepping.

[user1471531877]

I think there are probably 2 separate issues - one is the friendship side - it sounds like she prefers her coursemates - You certainly don't have to be best friends with your flat mates
Is it possible they think she prefers other people - they maybe don't mention what they are doing if they think she is not interested? I'm trying to be generous here - are they going out as a foursome and leaving her out?
The second issue is the noise - I agree u will get mess and possibly noise in halls too
If they are being actively nasty she should move - but be prepared for noise everywhere
The best option may be to see if the situation mellows as friendships are often fluid and arrange to live with her likeminded friends next year.

[2014newme]

Solution obvious, get a place in hall. 6 pages on still not called accommodation office op obviously prefers the drama

[tobee]

Have you read the thread 2014?

[2014newme]

Yes all of it.

[Timetogetup0630]

My DD is same situation in privately run, very expensive city centre halls at an RG University. People up all night, until 5am on a Monday morning. Incessant music. Kitchen full of empty vodka bottles and decaying chicken bones, tobacco everywhere.
Members of the public who live in adjacent buildings have started to come round to complain.

She looks exhausted and is feeling ill. Has put in for a room in a different flat, but is learning to sleep through all the racket. She has joined several clubs and societies and has an active social life outside her block of flats. I did offer to pay for a night in a hotel for her, but she decided to tough it out in her own room.
Coming home for reading week next week.
Sigh.

[GetAHaircutCarl]

No one should put up with mean housemates.
OP, your DD should put in for a transfer asap.

However, your DD and you need to be realistic about halls too. They will still in all probablility be noisy and messy.

Communal living can be tough. Especially when everyone is in their late teens.

Hope she gets a new place soon.

[sinceyouask]

2014newme , try ^reading the thread.

She unfortunately didn’t make it into halls due to over subscription

Halls are full at the moment unfortunately with a waiting list.

I’ll certainly make use of student services. Or rather, encourage her to

[tobee]

ItMustBeBedtime was there social media when you were at university? Had Skype, FaceTime etc.** been invented? Or mobile phones? Have you got dc at university atm or recently?

[reetgood]

I think while it’s good for young adults to sort themselves out, there’s nothing wrong with supporting them to do that. What you’re doing op is really valuable in that you’re reinforcing that this isn’t normal or acceptable behaviour.

I was in self catering university accommodation in my first year. 2 other girls and 2 boys. The girls and I became good friends and shared a house in our second year. There was boozing and loudness and missing lectures, but when I occasionally asked someone to turn it down late at night, they apologised and turned it down. We were basically respectful of each other. It is possible!

I agree that the first team can see changes with people dropping out etc and you have some good advice on how you might be able to change the situation. Just by telling her it’s not ok you’re helping. Sometimes as a young adult I put up with things I didn’t need to because I had nothing to compare it to.

[TonicAndTonic]

She was ready for halls but she wasn't ready for a whole house with strangers and a rental agreement. So it's been a shock for her

OP this is really rubbish for your DD and really I hope some alternative accommodation comes up really soon. But as PP have said this isn't a halls vs house issue. Everything you have described happens amongst flat/block/corridor mates in halls. The level of support from the uni is unlikely to be much more for the students in halls than those in houses (and i'm speaking as a former halls warden here). There are very few sanctions a university can realistically put on halls students for bad behaviour, so ultimately they still have to work their own differences out or move accommodation.

[FrogsLegs31]

On a practical note, I have “NoiseX” wax earplugs.
I take the cotton wool off and mould them so they form a seal in the ear preventing nearly all sounds. I wear them every night and can easily hear my alarm through them so long as I turn the ringer up good and loud! Never missed my alarm using them.

[dorislessingscat]

Seriously folks, RTFT.

DD is in PRS, not halls. So can’t request a transfer.
Halls are fun with a waiting list.

The main issue seems to be the bullying and inconsiderate behaviour of the girls, which as other posters said could happen anywhere.

[dorislessingscat]

Fun = full

[tobee]

The op’s dd housemates sound like they might be nascent mn goady posters!

[2014newme]

@sinceyouask halls were full however around this time places become available as people drop out. It's surely worth a phone call to find out.
Op said she hadn't contacted the university accommodation office to check whether places had become available. This would seem a good starting point.


@SuburbanRhonda 🙄

[2014newme]

Not a wind up merchant, ffs!

[2014newme]

Is ring the uni accommodation office for the op to help get this resolved! That's what tutor will tell her to do

[2014newme]

@dorislessingcat halls may not still be full people start to drop out now

[raisinsarenottheonlyfruit]

2014newme in Brighton there are simply not nearly enough halls for students.

Brighton (in general, not just the uni) is one of those places where house prices / rent is so high yet the demand is ever growing, that accomodation is an issues for everyone new to town. It's a huge issue for students.

Trust me, the halls are still full.

Yes, the DD needs to get her name on a waiting list. But that's not going to solve the problem in the short term.

Your comments are not terribly useful.

Also, the tutor will do more than just send her to accomondation. The issues of bulling and how this situation is affecting her welbeing and her academic performance are also important and they can advuse her on that too.

[TooCoolForScool]

2014.. what drama? I'm not a drama type person really, more practical I'd say. And right now I'm feeling my way along, just trying to get this right and find the middle ground. To answer your question though, I have called and there is not a place for her in halls. The wait list is long. It is 'not really looking feasible I'm afraid' for a place is what I've been told. Which I was told in September when I queried why she hadn't got a place. They are massively oversubscribed

Your comments are just plain unhelpful really but there's always someone like you on a thread.

Luckily there's loads of helpful stuff from other posters and I hope this thread can be useful to others as this is clearly a common issue with no immediate clear cut solution

[TooCoolForScool]

And this is it isn't it? These problems of noise, being off with her and mean thoughtless behaviour could happen anywhere. And they seem to be judging from what I've read from others going through similar - or those who've been through it