How to help miserable daughter with awful uni housemates

[TooCoolForScool]

My DD is 18 and started uni last month. She unfortunately didn’t make it into halls due to over subscription so we had a mad scramble finding her a house and four fellow student housemates

This we did by attending one of the uni’s find a housemate open day and it basically works by just wandering around and getting yourself into a group of 4/5/6 and then finding a house to rent as loads of you will no doubt know

She got together with four others, two boys and two girls and they all seemed to bond at first and get on well. All very friendly and chummy and lots of time chatting on the phone and she thought they were all best buddies etc etc despite me warning caution. They moved into the house and of course predictably problems have started

None of them have been away from home before and they’re being quite unpleasant to my DD. The girls are leaving her out of plans, openly bitching about her etc etc. I have her on the phone to me in tears at least three times a week. The biggest issue though is that two of them stay up until 3am every single night. Up and down the stairs, in and out of each other’s rooms and playing loud music. So my DD is existing on 4 hours sleep a night, this is literally every night. She’s asked them nicely not to but they don’t care.

I’ve spoken to her about resilience. I’ve talked at length with her about ignoring/ ear plugs/ being pleasant but keeping a distance/ not getting involved .. you name it, we’ve discussed it. I’ve sympathised and we’ve discussed alternative accommodation for next year but this doesn’t solve the issue now. She cannot come out of this tenancy really as A very expensive to do so and B students all sorted in houses now anyway so it’s. case of sticking it out but she’s getting more me more miserable

She’s enjoying her course so that’s something and she’s making friends on her course which I’m greatly encouraging her to do so and to keep them separate from her housemates which she’s trying to do.

So any advice for me? I know she’s technically an adult and I’m not some over bearing mother who wants to stem in and solve this myself. But it’s quite hard to stand by and I keep thinking there must be something I can suggest.

Its bloody miserable to be kept up until the early hours every single night as we all know and to be left out of parties and plans unless it suits them to invite her ...

Plus it drives me mad to have to listen to it all constantly 

As someone who was a fresher rather recently, unfortunately the moment you complain about noise or go to bed early or start asking others to tidy up, you are branded as no fun and cut out. I was even asked by my housemates in the first month of first year if I wanted to do a house swap with a party girl they had befriended in a neighbouring house. That was rather upsetting.

What I am staying is that it is very common. From my experience your daughter has a choice - remain in the house, don't complain, go with the flow and invite herself to the parties before the house have a chance to go without her (what I did) or move, and live the year out how she likes.

I wish I had the confidence to move out of my flat. I tried to blend in and then realised the people I saw as my friends were actually horrible as they only wanted me to be like them. The people I met after that, who were respectful and kind, are still my closest friends.

And absolutely about the pack thing. That unfortunately continues through university though, regardless of how lovely the house is - when you get 5 or 6 young people in a house allegiances and rivalries definitely form.

She doesn't feel she's letting me down either. I don't care about that and she knows it. I'm trying to be guided by her at the moment because if I wade in and drive down there, that'll put the cat amongst the pigeons as I would be taking no shit from these kids

Gannic I think you are spot on

And I'd not prepared her for this really. Because I stupidly assumed she'd get halls

I hear you

its a hard one, but I feel you're taking the right approach

saying, not staying

Horrible isn't it ssd? Hard to know the right line to go down. I'm thinking about it more now as we are 6 weeks in and I feel things should be settling now. My instinct is to go down there and drag her out of course but she wouldn't thank me

OP do what you can to encourage her to seek help. Listen and sympathise. Count the weeks to holidays. Taxi money to study in the library so she's safe returning late at night. Totally ignore those unhelpful comments on here.

It sounds awful and I feel terrible for your poor DD but in the nicest way possible do you think at 18 she should be dealing with some of the issues herself and not calling her Mum in tears during an argument with her housemates and running out of libraries crying... It’s pretty standard for people that age to be up until the early hours getting drunk etc and maybe the other girls are sencing that your DD is being a bit of a baby/drama queen about things and thus using it as a reason to exclude her.

I would never ever condone bullying and it’s a nasty situation for your DD but at 18 she needs to put on her big girl pants and try to sort this out herself, in the world of Work she will have bosses she dislikes and colleagues that are bitches and you can’t just call up your Mum to get you a different job.

I really hope things work out for her though and that she’s ok and manages to enjoy herself!

Oh, this reminds me of my first year at university. I had university accommodation, but it was arranged as a self-catering shared flat.

My flatmates absolutely hated me from day 1. They didn't want to share with someone doing my course. They didn't like my accent. I was the only non-vegetarian and they tried to stop me cooking meat.

I ended up literally using my room as a sleeping pod only. Spent the rest of the time in the library or with the people from my course. Joined a program that involved evening volunteering. Got my friends round to cook late night meat stir fries

It was miserable and all it taught me was that some people are just twats.

It spoilt 1/3 of my university experience and almost destroyed my already low self-esteem. Because there was nothing I could have done. They disliked me for reasons outside my control (bar the vegetarianism, but even if I'd become vegan it wouldn't have made a difference).

If there is any possibility of getting out of there, your daughter should grab it with both hands. They aren't going to change, and she deserves a better experience.

Sounds pretty normal for a student house by my memory. Noise 24 hours a day and a constantly overflowing bin and filthy kitchen. No one would be asking everyone to have an early night- certainly that would be how to not make friends.

Why does she need to get up at 7am everyday?

What are their complaints about her? What are they bitching about?

There is normally a lot of switching in first term. She needs to find someone who will do a direct swap. She needs to find the party animal in the boring nerdy house so she can switch.

Sometimes big girl pants just aren’t enough! Three people stomping up and down outside my room at three in the morning shouting squash the fat slug ( their name for me!) was unbearable. I also found out after that they had been spitting on my toothbrush. The irony is that we were all teaching students on the same course and they are all teachers now!

Sorry - can't help, he is a long way away from Brighton. Pity, would have solved a problem
YY to letting Student Services know she is being bullied, and keep on about it.It might be worth keeping a diary. Hall might not be an option for Brighton as I have known other first years there who did not make it into halls. Also suggest she discusses with tutor. My son is a PG but he has already discussed a particular issue with his problem housemate with his tutor.
I have 2 student sons who have been in shared houses- neither experienced the sort of behaviour you mention.
Is this to be expected in a student house? -IME the student behaviour you describe is unusual as most are aware that Uni is costing them or parents a fortune and want to get the best they can from it. Yes there was an initial flurry of partying but it didn't last.( My son is social secretary for a society and nearly all their events are tee total. ) Mostly they went out on set nights out together or specific events- Haloween for eg- in the first year ( from halls or uni flats) but they did not have huge amounts of noise at night. They were all aware that they were at Uni to study and work at jobs if they had them.Again the houses were not filthy- although washing up could be a problem and they were untidy sometimes. So , yes the others are a problem, .If they are really noisy the neighbours may complain to the Uni as well and they might all get flamed.
All I can suggest, apart from Student services, is that she asks friends from her course to let her know if they get spaces in their houses and put her own house up on a notice board or ask the others if they have friends who they would prefer to share with. However please do not let her do it on an ad hoc basis- you need to get all the rental paperwork tied up.

well if my housemate was sending pictures of the house to her mother I probably wouldn't be friends with her either tbh.
I'm not one of those parents who just wash my hands of them when they turn 18. I'm here to guide and help and do what I can after writing everything up. You probably don't identify with that

Maybe I don't because taught my children to be able to stand on thier own two feet by the time they were 18. They were quite capable of handling situations themselves and did not have to be constantly crying to mammy on the phone.

if I wade in and drive down there, that'll put the cat amongst the pigeons as I would be taking no shit from these kids

I'm sure that'll help. The kids will really tow the line and start inviting your daughter to parties because her mammy came down and gave out to them

bugger off mumof56, you aren't contributing a thing to this thread.

Always one eh?

sure is

some folk never grow out of being an arse

Sounds like my experience of halls first time round at uni, right down to having a group of girls shouting at me that no one likes me and I should go home :( not good for my then recently recovered low mood. I ended up suicidal by my second year. But, largely because I had zero parental support and felt totally alone. So do keep caring and talking to your daughter.

Groups of young people in accommodation rarely goes smoothly ime and increasing her resilience is definitely a good idea. She'll be okay with a mum like you

Ignore Mumof56. This poster has form for making nasty comments in threads like this, uses the phrase “crying to mammy” as well.

Everyone else is sympathetic.

"I assume not people being noisy twats until 3 am most nights? They’re making smoothies at 1am in a loud blender, slamming the fire door to the kitchen at midnight, music, shouting up and down to each other.. mainly two of them*

Quite a few years ago now but that pretty much perfectly describes my first year in uni halls. I also worked as a halls warden for a couple of years, there were always several flats in halls that had all the issues you describe in your DDs house. People generally calmed down after Xmas as they were in the run up to their first exams (and were running out of money).
Not totally sure what to suggest OP, just that this issue is about freshers being away from home and learning communal living, not about being in a house vs halls. If you can finance a move, your DD needs to look for nice, like-minded housemates first and foremost, which may involve compromises on the accommodation type/quality/location.

She needs to try really hard to make her uni life outside her house, she sounds like she is doing well. She can then make her entire social and friends outside her house other than sleeping. Don't leave any equipment in shared spaces, cook then wash up and take her stuff back to her room.

She will then have a great time and just see the shared house as lodging quarters and won't care how twatty the others are x

Oops bold fail there...

Thats just terrible Jennie and that's pure nasty bullying. How awful

Yes I think groups of young people who've never lived away from home before is never going to run smoothly. It's a life lesson for her for sure.

However that life lesson won't result in her becoming depressed and low so I've got lots more tips for her from this thread which ill be passing on to her and we will see what happens.

She's not some studious bookworm or anything though. She loves a drink and a party but she also needs to sleep too

Someone asked why she was getting up at 7am every morning. Obviously because she has lectures that are first thing. Four times one week and three the next

Tobee - oh I know. I literally couldn't care less about what that weirdo has to say. I posted in here because I hoped I'd get responses from ex uni students or parents with kids who are at uni or have been. That's been the case which is brilliant

You have had some good advice, now it’s up to your DD to be proactive.

1. Student support/housing team. Tell them how bad it is and ask for help. There will be people dropping out of halls.

1. Advertise on local student Facebook pages for a replacement housemate.

1. Throw yourself on the mercy of the LL to break the contract.

Good luck, I hope you find a solution.

Hotel - that's the tack I've been taking with her. Expand stuff away from the housemates and build on that.

It doesn't help that they try and invite themselves along on her meals out with these girls from her course. One of the boys especially. Apparently he wants to meet her new girl pals as he's seen them on her snapchat and likes the look of them

I've told her very bluntly that this would be a mistake